The Struggle is Real

There's a lot!!!

Today, I really felt like I was at the END of my game. I was very tempted to give up. Discouraged. Frustrated. Really, really mad and on the verge of angry tears at several points. Of course, I'm not going to give up--win or lose. I just don't renege on my commitments. I don't even want to renege, but there has been some real stress and discouragement.

There are a lot of things at play in my game. First off, which I probably shouldn't even mention, is that I'm turning 50 and hormones are whacky. Seriously though, everything has been at an even keel up until about last week. I mean, I've had a few rough times with my aging process over the last few years, but now... I think I may be in for some mirky waters ahead. And it pisses me off.  I don't want to have a year long battle, or even six months. I had six babies!! Give me a break, dear Jesus. I can deal with a few weeks or a month and be ok, but I'm just a little scared of what "crazy" I may have to endure. I'll be alright. Surely. People just need to be nice to me and try to be understanding... And give me hugs, because I probably need those more than I let on.

Since last week, apart from hormones, there have been hits to my heart.

• I've learned that one of my dear ones, who grew up with my kids, got into some trouble. Smashed up his car and all... and I don't know what to do or how to help. My heart hurts so much and I feel overwhelmed, because I just don't think I'm the one who can help. I have that tendency to always want to run to the aid of all those I care about, and yet, its not always me who can, or should. So, I really hurt when I feel helpless. I can pray. 
• There is also someone else who I had been reaching out to, who fell into some trouble and I also can't get in touch with. Oh my heart. The vice tightens.
• I had a personal issue come up that caused me to question a lot of things, mostly about myself. Then I questioned the person who caused the things to surface, and the thoughts went round and round in my head... over basically inconsequential things. It'll all work out in God's timing, so "Karen, just stop!"
• Also, there was someone very dear to me who found an opportunity, just the other day, to share a devastating story which took place in her younger years. The account struck me to the core. I'm so glad she was able to share it with me, but oh my heart!!!
• So, today my mom told me, that my dad, after having a biopsy on his elbow, had to have further biopsies done because the tests came back positive for melanoma. He will have surgery soon to remove everything they found, and now we are fervently praying and believing for complete health. This news probably hurts my heart the most. I may just have to take a trip to Florida once these two April shows are done.
• Lastly, the shows.... I guess I will mention my struggle with the two high school shows I'm doing. Basically, I feel like I am FAILING!!! I just can't seem to motivate the teens--and they are the ones I enjoy working with the most. So YEA! We had great success with the last show, but now, halfway into the next batch of rehearsals I feel like a total failure. Usually, at this point in the rehearsal routine, I am the optimistic one, giving positive vibes to the director and all those around. However, this is not how I feel today. Its me who needs a boost of confidence. I'm not sure if this lack of optimism is because of them or me, but something is off and I can't figure it out. I feel really down about it and at a complete loss. I need some encouragement!!!

I am going to press on and lighten up. Life happens. We go through joys and pains, highs and lows. We work really hard at things and we take time to rest (at least we should). Mostly, I want to enjoy the people I am with, but also those I love, who I can't be with regularly. 

But oh the emotional roller coaster and hormones makes me NOT want to be with people. Help Me!!

The Past Four Months in Photos

I take far fewer photos these days. And these are all iPhone pics. It makes me a little sad, but the reasons are because of technical and mechanical difficulties in which I have no time to deal with or fix. But since today is a snow day... I decided its also Photoblog day. If I have anyone left who still reads my posts, I'll catch you up.

October into the November

Our South America travel plans made into a large poster

Fun times rehearsing Catch Me You Can in an alternate rehearsal space

Dog bites and crazy times

Pit Band of Despair for First Date (we named ourselves)

AMAZING pit band for Catch Me if You Can

The rhythm section

Our South America Trip

Peru: Got through our first customs check point of the trip 

Peru

Peru: Machu Picchu

Peru: Top of the Climb

Chile: Whitewater rafting

Argentina: Iguazu Falls

Argentina: Iguazu Falls

Chile: the Banados' home town

Patagonia: Horseback Riding in the beauty

Patagonia: jaw dropping beauty

Patagonia: 9 hr hike up Torres del Paine

Patagonia: Glacier sighting as the storm began to clear

Patagonia: the view from our cabin

Chile: Valparaiso and its amazing graffiti artwork

Our airport goodbyes as we part ways with our OK contingency

Christmastime to Now

Fun with little hands

Jennah and I are Broadway buddies always

Some of my awesome high schoolers cast of In the Heights

Some kitchen crew for the Youth Group Steak Dinner Fundraiser

Some of the crazies who came to the dinner

My dear friend Lil brought me to see the second to last show on Broadway of The Color Purple--WOW!

some panoramic views from our trip

My girls and hubby in NYC, Time Square going to see a show

Loved this show

Celebrating the New Year with friends

Back to Time Square with the youth group

Taking Caleigh and her buddies to an Escape Room Game

Saying goodbye again to my surfer boy Nate who will be working on the slopes at Mammoth Mtn

Playing in the pit for the middle school cast of The Little Mermaid 

About an hour ago from when I created this post and we still have 12 hours of storm to go.

My Juggling Act

Today
I'm a mom getting kids ready for school and dog walker from 6:15-7:45.

I'm a substitute teacher from 7:45-2:45.

I'm a mom and dog walker again and hopefully a napper from 2:45-4:45. (Oh and brownie maker because I promised the American Pop class that if they learned a few "Cakewalk" dance moves from the internet they could win a piece of cake--but in this case a brownie).

I'm a music director and performer for The Fantasticks from 5:00-9:45. I would be a party-time karaoke singer after the showfrom 10:00-12:00 if I didn't have to be a sub again in the morning. Wah wah. (I was looking forward to karaoke again this week but I should restrain myself).

Dog walker. Napper.

Tomorrow is the same.

Saturday
add housework and much needed yard work. Kids. Dogs. Maybe some sleep. Then music director/performer from 5:30-10:30.

Dogs.

Sunday
I'm church musician and church treasurer (bookkeeping) from 9-11:30 and then music director/performer for the final run from 12-5. And a cast party afterwards.

Dogs.

Monday
Dogs. Kids.
Then sales clerk/barrista & bookkeeper at Sylvester & Co from 8:30-3:00.
Dogs. Kids. Community House office stuff.

Tuesday
Bookkeeping and Community house office work. Dogs. Nap. Food. Then CRASH!

Looking very forward to the upcoming vacation!!!!!!!!!

The Crash

Its no mystery that I'm a people person. Its also no secret that I thrive on a busy schedule (as long as my busyness involves having connection with people). My life has been full of people and busyness over the past many months. 

In June, our fourth child graduated from high school Valedictorian. 

In August, we had an amazing adventure to Alaska together with two other couples and a few kids. 

A week after that trip we sent said daughter off to her first year in college 2500 miles away. 

Also we had a family wedding to attend in North Carolina and another daughter to kiss goodbye for her third year 2000 miles away at college. 

September meant school began again with only two kids left to graduate. 

Columbus weekend was another family wedding in Maine. 

September also gave me some decisions to make. I was asked to music direct three musicals. I was already locked into one, when the next one I normally have done, was switched from the spring to the fall. I thought it would be crazy to take on two shows at the same time, but then the third show I've been doing for four consecutive years, also was suddenly switched from the spring to the fall. Now I was left to see if there was any possibility to swing three. Finances were a motivating factor with two in college. So, after much prayer, deliberation and calendar crunching, I decided to go for it. Its not a decision I regret. I didn't regret it once.

Here are a few pics...

Super fun pit band for "The World Goes Round" and the Director

Fabulous Cast whom I miss dearly

Great show with the school kids

Cast, Crew, Director, and me

Joy of my heart to see them grow so much

Performances for The World Goes Round ran for three weekends (12 shows). That was an all-music show, which got amazing reviews. I was so proud of the work!!! Loved the cast and it was an all-around great experience. I suffered great disappointment that so few of my friends and family came out. People who aren't performers don't seem to understand...

Fame was my show with the Sag Harbor middle school (sorry no pics) which was challenging to pull together but it went great, and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, the Bridgehampton high school show also was fabulous. These two shows both performed on the same weekend, which was the following weekend after closing World. I played the piano for the high school show and someone else played for the middle school show. Basically, my life revolved around practicing music for 3-4 hours in the morning while accomplishing my other office work, trying to get some kind of food in the crockpot, walking the dog, then running to rehearsals for one show and on the rehearsals for one of the other shows and getting home around 10pm, every week day for 10 weeks. We also had a fall youth retreat on one of the weekends in October where I was one of the speakers. It was busy. Exhausting. Exhilarating!!!

I knew the end was coming. I knew it was going to be quite an abrupt halt. I even warned the people around me that I was worried about it, because it's all very emotional; the highs from the successful performances. to the let down of it being over, to the pile-up of uninspiring work on the home front that needs to be tackled, to the utter boredom and sense of uselessness because the thrill and hard work and inspiration is gone. Oh, and did I mention the disappointments that start plaguing the mind, about people who didn't care enough to come out for the shows, or other various things that spring up to have to battle?

For me, more than anything, its the sudden lack of connection with the many people I've bonded with and taught music to for several weeks; its the lack of motivation to practice, because there's nothing challenging on the horizon to work towards; its the end of three major projects with very little to fill the void.

The depression and blues try to take over. Those closest, don't understand. And I mean CLUELESS!! I fade away into the background, because I suddenly can't connect to people easily with all the roller-coaster of emotion I'm working through. Its literally a grieving process. Seems silly, but it can't be helped. And then, there's the people who say, "I bet its a relief that its all over!" NO!!! Its not. I feel lost.

Having Thanksgiving holiday right now does not help. Having three of my six children somewhere else in the world and not home, does not help. Having none of my extended family to spend the meal together with, adds fuel to the sadness. I CAN find things to be thankful for, of course, but sadness is what I'm really feeling.

I'm making plans to start teaching privately again. I wish I felt more excited about it. I guess I like project-oriented stuff. There are plenty of things in my life that I do, regularly, for work. Some weeks I like what I'm doing just fine or at least I don't mine it. Other weeks it is painful and a drudgery, but I keep going. I keep moving forward. ITS NOT INSPIRATIONAL! Not everything has to be, however, I'm an artist. I am motivated by doing things that require my creative abilities--and when they are running full throttle, it motivates me to get all the less inspiring things accomplished, as well. It keeps me in a good place mentally. My soul is fed. This is how I am wired.

So, for now I'm a bit lost. It won't last forever. Its just something I must work through. I was just about to start rehearsals this coming week for an original play to be performed in January, but wouldn't you know, there was a scheduling conflict that caused me to decline the role. Its hitting me kind of hard and I'm a little angry. There are reasons for that, but it was my own choice to forego the play. I could have chosen to do it and skip out on one of the conflicts. Instead, I am "dying to self" on this one... and I don't like "dying to self." If I felt I was making the choice because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe I'd be ok about it. Instead, I just feel like my needs aren't always that important... or maybe they just aren't understood. But then again, maybe I don't need what I think I need to be a person who makes a difference in this world.

I'll need to keep taking trips to the beach so at least Peppermint will be happy. Pepper's needs are important, too.

Life Has Been Challenging

Our Sad News

Noah got sick two weeks ago and died quite suddenly, devastating our hearts. He blessed our lives immensely and we all rued the day when he would no longer be with us. It was a topic that came up at dinner many times over the past year. I guess it was because he turned 12 in January and maybe we sensed that he wouldn't be around for much longer. He was gentle and easy-going without ever making any demands. He did whine for us to take him for a walk, because going for a walk was his greatest pleasure in life, a walk... and sleeping. And an occasional london broil off the counter. And the neighbors garbage.

Of course we have Peppermint. She hasn't written anything on her blog for a while. She's run out of things to say, and now she feels a little lonely. But I think she also thinks she is the queen of the house. She doesn't eat her food all that much lately. She doesn't have to protect her portion from Noah anymore. So Caleigh thinks its necessary to feed her one morsel at a time.

So dogs are on my mind a lot. The Bridgehampton High School is putting on its first full scale musical production this year. They put on Night on Broadway: A Musical Revue last year which was fantastic. Lizzy and Jennah were two of the four cast members and I just thought it was excellent. This year they are doing Snoopy: The Musical. Its such a fun show. I remember my roommate at college (Sohailah) music directing the show at Oral Roberts University. I auditioned and was cast as Lucy but I declined the role because I had to choose between doing the show or participating in Summer Music Ministries. That is a decision I still question to this day, but it doesn't matter anymore. I will be music directing this show and Jennah is Snoopy.

My life is suddenly busy with two musicals happening at the same time. I'm doing the show "13" with the Sag Harbor Middle School. Its another fun show as well. I love doing it. However, I tend to have my ups and downs in the process. I was hoping to overcome the self-doubt this time around. People obviously believe in me. They keep having me back and I get more jobs as I start becoming known in the field, but I have times where I assume they aren't happy with me and I'm not doing my job well enough. Sheesh. Why do I do this to myself? Its just part of how I'm wired.

I had a bit of a meltdown this past week with my other line of work which involves managing a facility that people rent for events, both private and public. Usually its not a very stressful job and I can set my own hours and set up meetings at my own convenience. But every once-in-a-while I have tenants who are much more demanding and have expectations that one might have when renting a big-time facility. They ask for meeting upon meeting and they want this and that and ask for things that can't happen at our facility. And have tantrums when they can't get their way. Some people want it all for nothing, and disrespect the time frame they've been given to be packed up and cleaned up. And they on't get their payments or contracts in on time but argue with me when I say I'm canceling their dates based on their not showing that they really want the space and someone else does.

One of my greatest interpersonal struggles is with a person who is so ambitious that they manipulate and connive and lie in order to get what they want. Passive/Aggression!! It pushes all my buttons and when I run across this type in my job, I can't just run away. I've learned how to operate fairly well in this situation, but people do sometimes take my kindness or laid back approach as weakness and will try to take advantage. Fact is, I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of and there is ALWAYS a violent reaction to my clear boundaries when they discover I'm not all the easy. If I am caught in the middle of a situation--I had two instances these past two weeks, where I was in the middle and couldn't really make decisions or direct the people--I can become a little frustrated... or not. I was successful in letting things ride out in one of the situations, but in the other, I ended up attempting to intervene and it was a bad idea... I guess. Actually it brought everything to the forefront which isn't bad in my opinion, but it was NOT pleasant. It ended up being very ugly.

These people are definitely on my doo-doo list, however, I still have to deal with them. They are spiteful and will continue to bad mouth for as long as they feel is necessary to pay back for not getting what they want. So, they have poured out their shame and lies, and I have worked really hard not to come under that, which is difficult for me. Its especially difficult because in my "intervening" I lost a little of the respect of people close to me. NOT REALLY lost respect, but kind of.  I HATE that. I'm a people pleaser and I hate when I do something that disappoints. So, in all reality, that's been my struggle these past few weeks. Feeling like I've disappointed people close to me... even about Noah, if truth be told.

Maybe I could have stayed home from the youth retreat to make sure he was ok. The boys didn't really know that he was in distress. Noah didn't complain much. Maybe I should have taken him to a different vet because I truly felt they weren't taking that great of concern about him. Its been very sad dealing with these feelings, that I could have done something differently. I guess that's normal.

And the youth retreat was some what of a disappointment too, but I had very little to do with that. We couldn't control the weather or who the kids got as their counselors. It just felt like a bunch of disappointments have all jumbled together. Disappointment about the retreat, and then coming home to Noah struggling for his last breath, and then the politics surrounding the musicals, as well as dealing with the clients at work, and Lil's work computer crashing on me, and feeling like it was my fault (even though I know that it wasn't).

These past two weeks have not been so good to me.

Many Tales of Wonder and Woe

Tale of Wonder:

I hadn't been walking or exercising in probably a gazillion daze until finally...

My bud, Lillian, who is a total inspiration--always--about walking and taking time everyday for your health and wellbeing, got me an amazing Christmas gift/package. She got me a jawbone wristband to track my steps and sleep, as well as some cardio kick boxing classes!!! And somehow I even ended up taking that 5.5 mile walk to the beach IN THE SNOW! I'm eager to go again and the kickboxing is the total bomb. Love it. Sore.

Tale of Woe:

This little girl, who tries ever so hard to do everything right and be pleasing and acceptable in the sight of everyone (we are working on that whole people-pleaser thing)... was handed a couple of manilla folders from a classmate the last day of school before break. She was also given a large box of items people had purchased from her for a fundraiser and she would need to deliver. It was a Christmas Luncheon the last part of the day and of course everyone was eager to get out of there. Not a lot of focused thoughts.

So she made it home with items she could have quickly handed out to teachers and been done with it. But those things had to be given to them upon their return from the holidays two weeks later. The packets that a fellow student handed to her ended up in the garbage because they didn't need to complete them after all... however, one of the folders was NOT a homework packet. It was her flute music for the upcoming Hampton's Music Educators Association Festival. She unknowingly threw it away. [GASP] She didn't even know she was selected for HMEA because the student just handed it to her and didn't say who it was from (I guess). She needed to be practicing the music all during the break because its very difficult and stretches her playing abilities greatly (which I love)! But talk about a girl in panic mode all week. She felt so embarrassed about the music that her band teacher needed to replace and get her started on. She was terrorized with great anxiety that she will have to play before a judge to determine what chair she will get for the concert, because she only has 4 daze to learn the four pieces. There is wonder in this tale as well. We have practiced and practiced and she has learned this music very quickly and been expanding her abilities greatly, only in a matter of one week's time. She sure is a go getter!!

Tale of Wonder:

We got this room painted in two daze time.

Changed the green (which I did love but not together with the accent wall) to a soft cream.

It wasn't an easy job.

But we had about 10 college kids all coming to stay at our house for a few days so we had to kick it into high gear. Voila.

Caleigh really wanted to help paint but we left her to making the signs because this needed to be done fast and top notch.

Tale of Woe:

Nope. Actually my sweater WON the ugly sweater contest. hehe $8 but 3 of those dollars were what I put in. baaahaha

Tale of Wonder:

My girls have grown way taller than their mama.

Tale of Woe:

Nope. Only a Wonder of how great my friends are..

Tale of Wonder:

Milena is going to have a baby in July!! Yippee!!!!

Tale of Woe:

Nope. They are crazy but in a wondrous way. :-D

Tales (tails) of Wonder:

All the snow came and went and the temperatures have gone up. Noah is feeling better after being on Doxy for the past 2 weeks... 2 weeks more to go (blasted tick-borne illnesses).

Peppermint can fly!

Tale of Woe:

Its tricky out there and you never know which surface is just wet with the rain and which is actually a sheet of ice. I slippity-slippy-slid right onto my backside today. But I'm ok. I'm fine.

Happy 2014!!