I spent a good couple of years working explicitly on changing my co-dependent behaviors which I knew nothing about until my life wound up in a heap of unmanageable chaos. My personal tendencies included things like:
- having no real boundaries in relationships,
- taking care of everyone else's needs to the point of my needs not being important (to me or anyone else),
- having an inability to say no because I didn't want to disappoint anyone,
- being a total people-pleaser,
- not valuing my own opinion enough to feel ok if someone disagreed or challenged me,
- spiraling into self-hatred if I made a mistake no matter how minor,
- needing everyone to feel good and happy
I put a lot of pressure on myself to help everyone I possibly could. It was a formula for continual disappointment. People like to complain about their problems, and they want others to listen, but that doesn't mean they want me or anyone else to fix them. And 9 times out of 10, if someone tells them what they "need to do" they won't do it, just because. People want to found their own answers, which is why I've learned to listen and let people feel whatever they are feeling without correcting them. Its been much more effective when I share my own stories in life, without having those underlying motives, to somehow help others finding their way. Its not up to me to do it for them.
So, I bite my tongue. When my friend tells me her string of events for the day, seemingly proud of how much she did and how crazy her schedule is and the amount of things she does for everyone... all the accomplishments... sure its amazing. But is it healthy? I am doing my best not to transfer my experiences and shortcomings to anyone else and their life experiences. I can say that just listening to it, though, triggers a sense of resentment towards that life. It was my former life... in the ministry. "Pastor's wife" was my title (how thrilling)... with lots of young kids to mother, and they didn't always behave perfectly in the fishbowl. I remember feeling acceptable mostly based on all of the things I was able to accomplish and do for others. The things I did, the energy I expended for others made me feel valued, but if I were criticized by someone, suddenly my house of cards crumbled. I believed at that point I must not be good enough. I wasn't doing things right. Somethings wrong with me because not everyone liked me. Not everyone was happy with my work. Horrors.
I'm glad to be free of that. crap!!! Yes, I am busy. You can't have six kids, all still living at home, and not be busy. But I'm not driven anymore. I don't care if I please everyone. HAH! Lots of times I know I don't please everyone. Sure it can still be a battle, but I've learned to resist the urges to make everything perfect in order to be acceptable to everyone. < - - how stupid to think that's even possible
So, we had youth group at our house last night for the summer kick off and I wasn't home all day to clean, cook, bake or even tidy up the kitchen counter or the pool area. The kids were home making messed with their friends and doing NOTHING. I was out taking pictures of Jennah for Prom Night when everyone arrived. My house was a disaster!!! ...but guess what. I DON'T CARE!! And neither do the kids. Admittedly, I was a little annoyed when I came home, because I kicked into hospitality mode only to find that we had no paper cups, no plastic forks, were low on drinks, etc. Unprepared! Earlier in the week I made it very clear to the youth leader (my husband) that I wasn't able to help prepare this week. See, I can say "no" fairly easily now. And when I say no, I'm learning to be ok if things aren't done perfectly by someone else. The kids don't care. Trust me, they don't even notice.
