His Newest Toy

This is my second son, Nate, sitting on his second motorcycle. Its a pretty sweet bike. He now owns two motorcycles, as well as a pick up truck, and a bicycle (which I call mine, because I like it). You'd think our house had a 3-or-4-car garage with all the vehicles that reside here, but nooooooooo! We have a very small, one-car garage that would never even be cleared out enough to fit one small car. I've never even seen a car in our garage.

I should post a picture of the garage... but that's just taking revenge-blogging a step too far to the dark side. I'll behave.

So, early on when Nate mentioned that he found a bike (i.e.motorcycle) he wanted to buy, I believe my words to him were--NOT UNTIL YOU SELL THE ONE YOU HAVE!!! Did I get any support for my notion? Did anyone even listen to me? Nope!!! I recall how I reasonably explained that we had NO space for a 3rd motorcycle (yes 3rd, because BJ still has his bike--no matter how unridden it may be).

Anyone?

Not a single indication that I'd been taken seriously. No real surprise there. I also emphatically stated that "You cannot just take the plate from the other bike and put it on the new one!!! You have to register it with DMV... insurance... Blah Blah Blah. Wa-wa-wah wah wah." I think its because I'm a woman that my voice becomes like the teachers and parents portrayed on the old Charlie Brown cartoons.  Well, someone had to learn the very, very hard and expensive way about the license plate. Need I say more?

Anyway, after my "blah blah blah" conversation, BJ had the idea of the 3 of them purchasing one of those outdoor tent-like structures that can be used to store the bikes and lawnmower, etc, through the winter. This was all the "permission" Nate needed to go ahead with his bike purchase. The tent was at least a decent compromise, not that I remember agreeing to anything. It must have been somewhere in the middle of the "blah blah blah."

Meanwhile, we presently have four automobiles in the driveway, two motorcycles in the garage so that you can barely open the freezer, and another motorcycle in the driveway. I don't know where that "structure" will go, without obstructing parking space for cars. I also wonder when that "purchase" may materialize.

HEY!!! I know. Why don't we get a boat too while we're at it!!!

Do I sound bitter? Nah. I have my leather pants all ready to go. I'm dressing as a biker for halloween and I think I may just use one of the motorcycles to add authenticity to my costume. Maybe I'll go to the bowling alley or something. TATTOO!!! I need a tattoo!!!

Fall Classes for Men

DISCLAIMER FOR TERRY because he read the post and said "ha ha very funny": He took all these classes a while ago and they really helped! (see hun. I got your back)
I'm passing this information along because I felt it was important and could be very helpful!

REGISTRATION WILL FILL UP FAST

Fall Classes for Men
at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, September 25th 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

You Are NOT Going to Believe This...

I took the big plunge!

I got my hair colored!!! YAH. Shocker, I know. I thought I had kind of vowed to myself that I wouldn't ever go there. I told myself, "It's too much maintenance. It's too expensive. I don't mind having the gray." And all that is very true.

Well, I got caught in a moment of spontaneity, because I had finally made an actual appointment to get my hair cut. It's been 8 months since my last one--literally! I mean really... who goes that long without even a trim? Definitely not someone who cares all that much. But all this rehearsing and preparing for the performances has made me more conscious of my appearance. And the few times I've donned make-up (for pictures and whatnot) I've been a little taken back by all the compliments--to the extent that it's made me think I must really look like a hag without it. HAHAHA!

Anyway, I gave Jessica fair warning (Jessica plays Reno in the show so I see her 3 times a week, and she also works in Jayne's Cuts where I used to go for my yearly hairdo). I told her weeks in advance that I was planning to come in, and I wanted her to cut my hair. I picked her because I figured she had already sized me up during rehearsals for a "look" that would suit me well. When I got there yesterday, I found that I had judged correctly. She simply suggested that we do a little coloring the next time I came in... I said, "Well, if it took me 8 months to get here this time, chances are, it won't be easy to get me back again. It's today or never... I'm game!"

OMG. We went for it!

Things turned out great! I strutted my stuff into rehearsal last night, with a new hairdo and a little make-up--and wowza! Hahaha. You'd think I was some hot chick walking across stage in a bikini or something. HAHAH. The cast is great. So supportive. They make me laugh. I told Terry that his response to my new look was way out done by my theater peeps. They're great actors--LOL! (It's not that remarkably different, btw. It's just a nice toning up of the rats nest). Terry's excuse was that I barely strutted my stuff for him before running out the door for practice... which is true... but, "Yea yea. You're gonna have to make it up to me!"

Sorry, there's no image available. I should have taken a picture yesterday--which will be the only day it will ever look nicely styled. DANG!

Need Insurance?

My Dad's a Champ!

I'm not kidding. He and my mom have been here for the summer, and the two of them just serve and serve and serve. In the little song we made up for their 50th anniversary party, we took the song from My Fair Lady called Loverly and changed the words to fit. One line said, "We love your visits, we think they're great! Pop fixes stuff that our husband's hate." <--meaning the stuff they hate to fix. haha. You get it right?

Anyway, my mom prompted my dad to build us an outdoor shower--and he went right to town with the whole project. HE ROCKS! As you already know, the young bucks dug the hole last week (cuz afterall, my 72 year old pops underwent surgery only a couple months back).

Today, he was installing the pipes for the shower and whatnot. I was his primary assistant... well... after Caleigh, I suppose. We were drilling holes and crimping valves when suddenly Pops came rushing out of that tiny furnace room excitedly calling for a large wrench because there was a gas leak. Yup! I could hear it hissing loudly and the smell was obvious. That crummy, cheapo flexible hose that was installed with the crummy, cheapo furnace--the one that has needed $400 repairs every year for it's entire 10 yrs of life--sprung a leak!!

Uh-oh.

And finding tools in our garage can be quite a task (thanks to teenage-boyz). But leave it to me and my pops! I found a wrench, handed it to him, he ran to the outside meter to turn off the gas valve. And no one blew UP! HOORAY!!! Although, my dad did gash his eyebrow in the process of scrambling around. Thank God he didn't get knocked out--cuz then what would we have done? Buh-BOOM!

All is well now... we have no gas until tomorrow. No cooking on the stove. No hot water. No Laundry. But we'll live and we're alive. I'm totally NOT put out!!! Pop seems to feel responsible--but I feel thankful that it happened while we were in the furnace room doing something, rather than when no one was around to notice that there was a leak. The hose was obviously damaged before we ever started banging around in there.

Yup. I learned a lot in a few short hours. I don't think I'll ever become a plumber, but if I needed to, I could probably figure out how to fix a few things. I now know how to shut off the valve to the gas meter outside. It's an important thing to learn.

Thanks Pop!

Words Women Use...

and their meanings.

I thought I would offer a post for the "Guys Stuff" Series--mostly for the guys who are either married or around a special someone a LOT! Sometimes we need to help each other out a little. So take heed men, when your woman uses any of these words below, beware that you listen closely for the tone of voice, and think hard about how you've been operating around the home. It will do you well, and could increase your life expectancy.

When you hear words like:

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission. Do not Do It! (Teenagers like to use this also, when they are mad about a punishment. It's meant to make the parent feel like they are getting nowhere and nowhere fast).

[Loud Sigh]
This is actually as good as the spoken word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to the list above for the meaning of nothing.)

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks"
When a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

"Whatever"
Is a women's way of saying $%#@ YOU!

"Don't worry about it, I got it"
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" and the woman will answer "Nothing!"

Hope this helped!

THE LADIES ROOM

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), you yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up, trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work, it hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet."Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get. "

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush some how sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED it? You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom, and he asks "Why your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

A UCLA Study on Women

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.




However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

Me and My Babe

Terry is the best man I could have ever ended up with. Why did I get all the goods? We've been married going on 18 years, have 6 incredibly behaved children (HAH)... no, they are! Kinda. We've had all kinds of experiences along the way, and although it's not been the easiest road at times, our love grows deeper with the passing of age.

Life's been busy these days. I've got all my mumbo-jumbo (which I'm sure you get tired of hearing about). He's got a ton a huge jobs he's managing in the building industry. But, when Terry comes home, he doesn't find himself entitled to plop down in front of the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and a beer in hand, yelling about the TV remote and demanding me to bring him his dinner. (I'd kick his a** if he did). No, he comes home with fresh produce in hand, finds out if I've started dinner, gets something cooking if I haven't yet, helps me fold laundry, and best of all... he talks to me! He tells me about his day and asks about mine. The kids like LOVE to interrupt, which we have to remind them that it's our turn first. He tracks down the boys when they're supposed to be grounded from the night before, but somehow got permission from their mother to go off with their friends (oops).

Terry doesn't mind that I blog a lot. He will read with the kids or play pictionary charades or the "tickle me" game with Caleigh, and give me my computer admin time (is that what it's called, Michelle?). It means a lot to me that he reads my blogs. (I've yet to figure out why he will not comment). I love when he writes me little notes at home. It shows me that he's aware of my need for some extra attention--that the things I am going through matter to him. I get foot massages when I'm stressed out, and the "yes, absolutely" nod when I need a trip away with friends. He listens when I say things like, "We need a pool and it should not be kidney shaped" or "that attic room needs to get finished ASAP before the boys kill each other" or "its time for the boflex to find somewhere besides our bedroom to lay its pretty self." He listens to me. He respects me. And I deeply respect him.

Terry is one incredibly smart, easy-going, fun-loving, handsome, strong, wise and talented man. I love him with all my heart--and I'm led to believe that he utterly adores me! Aren't I the lucky one?

Thoughts of a Red-neck Old Man

It's off color... but I just felt like it today! ;-D Anyway, it's good for the "Guy's Stuff Series" heh heh.

Men strike back!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at th e back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told

Q: I married a Miss Right.
A: I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A: It's called a Wedding Cake.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.



AND MAXINE SAYS.....

The Pampered Queen

And I don't mean diaper Queen either!!! I got my hair cut today. First time in 12 months! SERIOUSLY!! I hate the whole ordeal of making an appointment and trying to decide what I want the hairdresser to do with my mop, yada yada, but not this time. No! This time *Terry had given me a chunk of change for Valentine's Day to get a nice spa treatment. A massage would have been great and all, but today I woke up and made a decision that MY HAIR severely needed some maintenance. I traded out the idea of the massage, manicure and pedicure package for a haircut and pedicure, which costed about the same btw--the feakin Hamptons' prices!! (I won't post a picture of my toes--for Heidi's benefit, but they do look nice).

*A subtle hint written for the Guy Stuff Series--did you guys get it?

COMING SOON... A Photo Contest!!! Taking place right here on my blog!!! So get your cameras ready, I'll explain the rules tomorrow.

Real Men Knit

The Sixth Sense

Many of us are gifted with a sixth sense. The range of gifts are as vast as the oceans are wide, although... I've done absolutely no research on this. Actually, I'm making this up as I type. (I love making up theories the fit my insane personal experiences. It normalizes my life). So, my sixth sense is the ability to know... the estimated time of Aunt Flo's arrival (that's menstruation for those who don't get the Aunt Flo reference). Don't worry, I'm not going into any great detail!

I'm sure this is no special gift, because everyone around me can probably tell when I'm PMSy too! But I just wanted to put out one more tip for the men HAHAHA! (Nothing prompted this i.e. Terry having a slip-up. This merely has to do with needing a post for today).

If you happen to be watching this season's 24, think about the scene where Jack Bauer is giving his evil brother the famous "Jack Bauer torture". He's injecting 7 cc's of epnosine (I made that word up) right into his blood stream, trying to get the real information extracted from the lying basta... nevermind. It's been really intense!!

So what I'm saying is, the next time you see a woman flip a wig, consider this... approaching "that time of the month" is a very similar experience to undergoing the Jack Bauer torture! Some months can be as bad as being injected with 7 cc's of epnosine!!! A woman can be completely fine one moment and in the next moment she's being strapped into a chair and ejected with a torture treatment by her own body. In fractions of a second the blood stream carries the "epnosine" to the brain which sends messages to her entire body, telling it to quickly find the nearest machine gun and start shooting.

Here's the tip: You can stay ahead of the game with a calendar--BUT (very important)--if you are keeping track of a particular loved one's cycle--NEVER, I repeat, NEVER REFER HER TO IT, AS IF YOU KNOW HER CYCLE!!! This will infuriate, and you will surely die! Just keep track quietly and be extra sensitive for the entire week before Aunt Flo arrives! You don't want your kindness to appear suspicious! Gift giving is a lovely idea i.e. gifts of perfume, chocolate, flowers, gift certificates, a night out to dinner, etc. this is like the kindness Jack Bauer compassionately displayed; holding his brother during the pain surge of the 7 cc's!! (This isn't considered a "spoiler" is it?)

Ok. Does this help? And men, if your lady is pregnant or has a brand new baby--good luck with all THAT!!! It's a mine field.

Manly stuff and more...

OK! Who watched the superbowl last night starting from the National Anthem??? Did anyone happen to see... THE PERFORMER??? Woohoo!!! GO Terry!!! Billy has Terry do a lot of stand-in work for him. Some of our own kids were really wondering--cuz he told them he took a flight down and back the night before to "prerecord" so that he could be home to watch the game with us. The biggest question was, "Dad, does your voice really sound like that? Sing something." (It was a lip-sync, of course).

Anyway--about the game... It was a little horrifying when the Bears scored a TD on the first kickoff OF THE GAME!!! The whole first quarter was scary! And the pouring rain for the entire night... but then, by the 2nd quarter Peyton Manning got his team into a rhythm and systematically outbeat those Bears yard after yard after yard. It was one of the most nicely executed games I've seen in a long time. Woohoo!!

The food was good. We made 5 feet of Italian heros just for our family (and one extra--a teenager who can put it away) and finished them off after an hour, minus 3 small pieces. Luke ate hot jalapenas all night long--guess who's complaining this morning? Actually, I think everyone had their fair share of indigestion. The room was filled with "poisonous fumes" last night. You could even see a cloud! I don't think I'll share details--I'll just clarify that it wasn't anything you'd want to inhale!!!

On another note... Jen and Dave gave birth to a superbowl baby last night. TOUCHDOWN! Hooray for Jen and welcome to Haven--the little colt. He's cute and that's all I know.

(HELP FOR MEN) Don't End Up in the Doghouse

A request has been made for more inspiring and life-changing "kool daze" insights and truths, which I offer together with the help of my husband aka Billy Joel and Uncle Mitch aka The Heretic (jk jk). This goes out to the multitude of male readers that visit my blog on a regular basis *smirk*. These truths will surely and effectively help you to remain far, far away from the cold, dank, cob-webbed doghouse where a family of chipmunks have now taken up residence.

*Sidenote: Terry never ever says any of the things I'm about to list, AND we never fight! And... he does read this blog, regardless of the fact that you will never see a comment typed by his own pretty fingers--forget about a "guest" post! This is as close as we're gonna get people!!

Things you should never say about her body appearance and/or apparel:

"Honey, have you been gaining weight?"
"Are you sure you want another helping?"
"Hey, that treadmill sure is lonely these days"
"Um, your wearing THAT?!!"
"You're hair could use a little maintenance," and if you are ever stupid enough to say this last line, DO NOT use the little finger-thingy quotes for the word 'maintenance.'

Things you should never say while arguing:

"You sound just like your mother!"
"Where'd you get that idea, from the Great Oprah?!"
"Hey wait... are you possibly pms-ing?"
"Can we pick this up later? The game is on now!"
[with a chuckle] "Sorry, I was just picturing you naked."

Things you should never say about housework:

"Soooo... what have YOU done all day?"
"When's the last time those stairs have been vacuumed, cuz the dust bunnies have come to visit?"
"Hey, that treadmill sure is collecting dust these days"
Yelling to her from the kitchen, "Honey, the dishwasher's done."

Things teenagers should never say to their mother:

"...well, you can't stop me anyway!"

And finally... don't ever say:

"Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."