A Gazillion Thoughts

Ever have a gazillion thoughts flying around in your head for several daze on end... and the majority of them are generally... complaints? A few may be about some particularly troubling issues? And of course there are the things that need periodic adjustments for health and sanity's sake?

Maybe its because the year is coming to a close and its time to reevaluate. Maybe I'm just entering a season in life that scares me a little because I've been fairly comfortable for the past few years. Maybe its just the normal "ups and downs" of everyday life... or its because I'm feeling lonely and under appreciated (which happens on occasion--not necessarily for any logical reason).

Whatever the case may be, its uncomfortable for me to be in a negative space, and I don't like to be grumpy. I'm also not great at ignoring how I feel and pretending everything is fine. No. That may work for other people, but ignoring stuff that I need to process through, causes an even greater sense of despair. My gazillion thoughts can't be ignored. When I start feeling this way I know that I most likely need to talk through my stuff with someone... which may be why I feel a bit lonely. I've come to discover, after having a long talk with myself yesterday, that the less frequently I NEED a listening ear from another person, the less I find anyone paying attention when I do. That makes me sad. But I understand why it happens. I don't want to walk through life alone and maybe I have been creating the wrong atmosphere on the inside--the deeper part of me--where now have a locked door and high wall to keep myself from being so vulnerable, the way I used to.

There has always been a deep need in my being to have at least a few others who are tuned into the real me as I am tuned in to them. Over the last several years I've distanced myself from that need because it can be dangerous. It can be painful and disappointing. It HAS been painful and, quite frankly, devastating. Allowing people into the deeper thoughts and places of the heart can cause deep wounds and leave scars. I haven't been all that willing open up again.

Maybe I will resolve this coming year to allow deeper healing to come to those parts, and to allow the Lord to give me a new mission. Maybe. But seriously, why must I be a person who finds it necessary to be vulnerable? There are plenty of others who aren't vulnerable at all and yet live a fulfilling life (I'm guessing). I may have to figure this one out for myself once and for all.

Funny... I was going to post something about all my minor complaints. Get them off my chest. Make fun of a few people and get in trouble for offending someone I didn't expect to be reading my blog. HAH! I do tend to go with the flow.

Hope you are all well, at peace, and content (unlike me in this day).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Journey of the Giveaway Couch

My son, Nate, was leaving for his winter trip to South America in a few short daze when his buddy from two houses over told him he had gotten this GREAT couch off one of his jobs. It was very expensive but too big for their space at home and wondered if we wanted it for our house. Mario has a gift for being convincing. So, Nate took a look and thought it was nice. He got me to go take a look and really, the thing was completely wrapped up in moving blankets and shrink wrap. I wondered how in the world we would know if it was "GREAT" or not.

We opened the packaging up a little more and it seemed like it could be very nice. So we decided to take it to our house. That couch was FREAKING HEAVY!!!! Down filled cushions and about 10' long. We were breaking our backs carrying it across the neighbors front lawn. And I definitely hurt my wrist a little. I told Nate to go get the yard wagon. That was perfect in helping us transport the couch to the back of the house. We opened it up and saw that there was some sun-fading and water stains along the back, but maybe it could still work for where it was going. However, it wasn't going to be ME who moved it into the house!! I'm older now. Things hurt more than they used to. So we wrapped it back up as best we could (well, probably not as best we could. Very little effort was put into the rewrapping). The weather was decent for the following several days and the couch stayed where it was on the brick patio.

By the following weekend the wind picked up and even brought a few trees down in the surrounding areas. It also uncovered half of the couch without anyone paying much attention. After the wind storm, Terry had one of the neighbors do some yard work. He took the tarp that was partly covering the couch and used it to remove leaves. The tarp never returned to the couch and the rain came. AGH! Now we had a huge, heavy, faded, WET couch outside the back door.

Terry finally asked me "What the H - E - DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS was this couch doing in MY backyard?!!!" He asked so nicely.  >:-/  He was not happy about having a giveaway item in the yard that he didn't feel we needed. Meanwhile, the only one around on a regular basis during the day was Nate and me, and Nate had gone to Florida to visit his sister, had come back and then already left for Peru by the time Terry was noticing the couch. I had driven to the airport for him as well as Jennah (who was visiting ORU) 3 times in a 10 day period. And there was no one else around to help out with this huge couch. It was stuck in our backyard and BJ was annoyed. AGH.

We finally brought it into the family room to dry out with fans. I had taken all the cushions inside a long time before so that they didn't get any more rain soaked. In the meantime, we moved all the furniture out of 3 bedrooms for "new" giveaway luxury carpet to be laid. Once that happened, we decided to paint all three rooms as well. It was a good amount of work and I'm happy it got done, but there was still the issue of getting everything back in its proper place as well as dealing with the enormous giveaway couch. I was hoping to get it to the room upstairs and out of the family room before we left for vacation. There wasn't time.

We went away on vacation to Florida and the couch remained where it was. Once we returned, after several daze, Luke and Terry decided to tackle the couch and get it upstairs to the freshly painted room. HEAVY heavy heavy. Of course, no one bothered to measure first and be sure it would fit through the doorway. It wasn't until they got to the top part of the stairs and that we KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that the thing was not going through. NOPE! No Way! So the couch went back down the stairs, out the front door and was left on the brick walkway out front. There was much annoyance from the peanut gallery. No one (including me) bothered to cover it up.

And after one day, it proceeded to rain... for a few days.

Then it even snowed.

The cushions are all  still dry and laying on the floor in the room upstairs. They probably have dog hair all over them because I'm sure they make a nice doggie bed.

Needless to say, there is a couch in our front walkway if anyone wants it!!! :-) Its an AWESOME COUCH!!! Come take it away. Make sure you have a few people to lift it and a nice big truck. HOLY MOLEY! The cushions and cover can all be removed and dry cleaned. (Oh and it has one broken leg, which I'm sure can be easily fixed. Even duct tape may work).

ANYONE?? Seriously. It's FREE!!!

Maybe this is the Crash

I feel like I've hit that wall I had expected to hit last  Monday after the show was over. I never really hit it then, because I had too many things I needed to handle before crashing. Now that Nate has made it to Peru and feeling good about his adventures, I can relax. It no longer requires my full attention and mental energy. He'll be away for 3 months and I'm not a big time worrier. Now that Jennah has come to the end of her ADRENALINE week and had an amazing time away at the ORU college weekend, I can rest my mind about that... and of course, take ANOTHER trip to the airport to pick her up this evening. I just "love" giving up those 5 hours of my day over and over again. (Third time to the airport in the past 10 daze. Thankfully it wasn't fifth time in the past 2 weeks, which it easily could have been, but I'm not the only one who can drive and pick up from the airport).

So, my eyes hurt today. Its been difficult to sleep well. I have this dull headache almost every day. My neck hurts. My hand still hurts from moving that heavy couch last week. The hubby is snoring a lot. There is so much going on with the kiddos--good stuff mostly, but it keeps my brain on overload. As of this past week, I have a friend on my mind who is really hurting... well actually more than one hurting friend that has been on my mind, and yet, at this particular time I have such little energy to muster in order to offer any real support. One friend in particular is in a lot of trouble with depression and it worries me quite a bit. Plus its beyond me to even know how to best be a support for this kind of mental state. I cannot fix people's problems. I don't need take on this burden that says its up to me to make it all better. Karenkool to save the day. Dah da da daaaah. However, I can love them whether their situation gets better or not. Maybe that's whats needed. Someone who will love and care for them even if nothing changes in their mental state. Usually I get frustrated or annoyed when a person can't snap out of it or immediately and be encouraged by my efforts to lift them up. I want to be the one to make it all better so I can feel so very good about myself. Anyone? Can you relate?

Actually though, I get nervous at times like these, when I truly care about a persons wellbeing and yet I am so exhausted and spent, that if I reach out with what I do have in my reserves, I just know that more is going to be expected from me. It may very well be more than what I have to offer. Maybe I am the only one expecting it from myself... to be able to give more or do more. Its like a catch twenty-two...  I want to give, but I know what is needed is way beyond me. And what if what I offer is all wrong and only makes things worse?

Why did Caleigh wake me up from my nap to ask if she could have some friends over. I really needed it. I think I will go take some emergen-C just to be sure this isn't my body, in its spent condition, fighting some virus.

Adrenaline

Let's see. This is one BIG TIME week in Jennah's senior year of high school.

First, on Monday was her volleyball team's championship play-off game for Class D title.

Second, on Tuesday was her driver's test.

Third, on Wednesday, this entailed flying the friendly skies for the first time BY HERSELF to attend a college weekend 1500 miles away, which included a very quick layover/gate change in Chicago. Oh the nerves.

Fourth, which wasn't as stressful as the other things, was staying in a dorm room with people she's never met. No sweat.

Fifth, Thursday morning was having a live interview which included writing an essay on a surprise topic in order to compete for a very important scholarship.

Sixth and Seventh, on Friday, is a piano & music theory placement exam and then auditions for the musical theatre department with a song from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Once all of that is behind her, she may be able to enjoy the rest of her college weekend... what's left of it.

This morning, I began to feel like I should have gone out there with her to help give her the support she probably needed. But nope! She has her big girl pants on this weekend. I don't know how many other girls her age could have done what she's in the middle of!! I'm a proud mama.  So what, the volleyball team lost the championship game. They came from the very bottom last year to obtain second place in Class D against a school who has won the division for the past 13 years straight. So what, she failed her first driver's test. So do about 40% of the people who have taken it on LI for the first time. She was a bundle of nerves before she even started and just not quite ready. Please note, unlike the picture above, she did NOT hit anything or cause any accidents. LOL 

Everything else after the driver's test has gone much better, so far. The interview went well. She can breathe easy the rest of today and get ready for #6 and #7 tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted.

Talk about Schooling Somebody

(If you don't understand the reference in the title go back one post and read that first--hah).

One of my daughters has been having a difficult year in school. I've heard the words, "I want to be home schooled"several times so far. And also "our school is too small. I want to go to Pierson." Or "I'm failing chemistry... I just don't get pre-cal... I hate school." But she keeps going and keeps trying to grasp what she can. My husband has told her to work hard while keeping the next exciting thing that's coming up as the goal  i.e. Thanksgiving cruise in 25 days.  That's what he does. Whenever that next vacation comes it is WELL DESERVED and MUCH NEEDED!!! Won't be long now.

As a parent, navigating our teenager's emotional roller coaster ride can be one of the greatest challenges. Sometimes, they have a passing meltdown that just needs to be listened to, or tolerated without getting annoyed, or maybe it should even be ignored because once its over its over. Other times there is a real attack going on against their emotional health and overall well being. They need help! During those delicate times is when negative beliefs can solidify in their hearts; wrong mindsets can be established; destructive vows sometimes are made which can stick with them for years to come. These are the times to step in with some necessary tools to help them gain a clearer understanding about what's happening. They can benefit from gentle leading and will absolutely benefit from tons of prayer. There is victory for them in getting to the other side of the dessert or the mountain or the valley of despair. Sometimes they do need an advocate to step in and help fight their battle. Sometimes they want nothing to do with us.

So how do we know which is which and when to do what?

Well, I've crafted some special dice to roll, different ones for each kid, which helps me decide. HAH! Nah. I try to listen closely and I've worked hard to sharpened my intuitional skills over the years. That coupled with prayer usually keeps me tuned in to what's really going on. Although... its still a bit of a crap shoot.

I hope I'm on the right track this time. As for the school issues, this mama bear is calling for some adjustments to be made for one of her cubs. (Ooooh but you should hear papa bear--haha). I've had quite the emotional ups and downs over at the school as a parent, and if you want to know the honest truth, its been nice to distance myself from the place these past 3 years. Sending six kids all through the same super small, k-12, public school can cause a parent to run out of steam and not be quite as engaged after 10 years  7 years. However, I still have 7 more years to go before they've all graduated!! I'm only a little more than halfway through. At least the last 4 years will be only one child in the school, rather than the time when I had all six in the same building AND I was PTO secretary/president plus volunteer PR person and lots more. Its was fun for a while, but then some things broke me and I had no desire to return.

Hoping this situation works out beautifully for my girl and that she might be able to start enjoying her educational process once again. God only knows what is yet ahead.

P.S. I was invited in a group email, to a friend's house for a medium reading (that's never happened before). Hey!!! Maybe the medium can consult the dead and those souls will know what's ahead for us. HAHA kidding kidding, I'm totally not into that scene. I was quite surprised about the invitation.

Ever Wanna Just School Somebody?

Sometimes I get the urge! I've learned to resist it, especially when it comes to people who aren't looking to be "told" if you get my meaning.

Side note: Its a completely different concept if we are talking about my own children and training them or advising them as they are growing up. Sometimes they get "told" whether they like it or not. heh heh heh

I use to think it was my duty as a church leader to "help people" gain the right perspective, as if I had a monopoly on the right perspective. Ah those were the daze. I definitely had some memorable run-ins with the feisty ones and basic turn-offs with the more passive ones, usually leaving me rather baffled.

Live and learn. I've done a little of both since those earlier daze and become a lot less judgmental about what is right for other people. More importantly, I've learned how to allow others their own path to discovery.  They really don't need me to lead them to any particular revelation about themselves. If they desire to discover truth, they will do it all on their own, just like I have. One of the most significant tools I've gained to date, is knowing that I can share my story with those who care to listen--maybe it will have an impact or maybe not--but my areas of growth are mine. My story is my story. My discoveries are specific to me! No one can take them away from me, and respectfully, I don't need to make them out to be something everyone else has to also learn.

Living my life this way has opened up a lot more doors than one would think. I guess my challenge now comes with those people who act like they know what everyone needs, or have their passive/aggressive judgmental comments peppered into conversations. I still want to school those people. But I will refrain. I used to BE them. Instead, I will continue on my journey of growth and discovery. I'm still not perfect--YET!!!!

P.S. If you want to know how to be Kool like me, let me know. I can help. ;-)

Not My Favorite Season

I've never much cared for Halloween! I do however like Snoopy. I had a stuffed Snoopy when I was young that I carried around with me everywhere, probably for several years straight. Before Snoopy, it was the blankey and finger sucking, but Snoopy must have helped me give those things up. Good Ole Snoopy!!And now I am hoping for Snoopy: the Musical to be chosen for the Bridgehampton school musical this year. It could happen. I would be excited.

As for the season of fall... I've never been a huge fan. It can be beautiful with the changing leaves, but its can also be a bit dreary and the colors can, on some years, be kind of brown. I guess it depends where you live and what kind of trees are local. The sugar maples are always AMAZING, but we don't have a ton of those growing here. The scrub oaks are what we have tons of, and they tend to turn brown if there is the least bit of rain during the changing of colors. BOOOO!! I want vibrant reds, oranges and yellows please. And I want them to stay for a while... long enough for me to get out there with my camera.

I did get out there this past weekend to get a few pics of Jennah. She's a beauty!

But back to the subject at hand, I don't really like the smell of the falling leaves, either. I've never appreciated that smell. I love the smell of springtime and SUMMER!!!!! Not so much fall and winter. And the leaves on the ground look so messy to me. Please don't make me go out and blow the leaves or rake them up. There will be a ton more to do again next week... and the next. I'd rather mow the grass twice a week, then rake leaves. The scent of fresh cut grass vs. decomposing leaves? There's a definite winner there.

And should I even mention Halloween? My dear friend, Sohailah and I, back in our college daze, always referred to it as Hell-o-ween, but that name is actually taken. (It's a German heavy metal band from the google search I just did). Anyway, I'm not a sour puss about Halloween, I just really don't care for it very much. I love a great scare, but I don't get what all the celebration is about. However, I would get a kick out of having an adult Halloween dress-up party with my friends. I can't do it this year because of the show performances, but maybe next year. HAH!

So there you have it. I just thought I'd share another very "informative" blog post with you fine readers.

P.S. As of this morning, Nate is back home from visiting his sister down in St. Augustine for a week. He'll be leaving the country for 3 months in another week from now. I'm gonna miss my boy. I already miss my Florida girl. I can hardly imagine how life will feel come next August, when another daughter will be college bound. :-|

My Girl

Of course, I have several girls, but today Jennah gets featured. I call her my girl because she has her mother's resemblance the most out of all of them. She's definitely taller than me and probably smarter... (I have the experience over her, but she enjoys studying and homework, which was never the case with me).

Here she is with her cousin's baby boy, Jonnie Trace, who looks very much like his dad who is latino.

So this has been a big week.

First point of news: Jennah's high school volleyball team has made it to playoffs which start next week. Today's game will determine who they will play first in the sudden death tournament (or however that works). I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed watching her develop her game over the years. She started in 7th grade and has stuck with it through all the ups and downs. Her hard work has paid off. She's consistent and their team just keeps getting better. Six seniors will be moving on after this season. I hope the remaining and upcoming players for next season find their rhythm quickly.

Second piece: Jennah was accepted to Oral Roberts University two daze ago. That's where she wants to attend. That's the only school she planned on applying to, in spite of all the dissenting voices around her. Its not that peers and guidance counselors think she shouldn't go there, they just thought she needed to broaden her options. But when you know, you know. Anyway, she's already been accepted and its only October. Think about what a stress reliever that is, not to have to go through all that rigamarole of applications and worry and having too many options and not knowing where or what or how. Now all we need to figure out is the HOW! Its not cheap, but we know that everything will be provided when its all said and done.

In November, when she heads to Oklahoma for a college weekend, she has an interview for the Whole Person Scholarship and will also audition for the musical theatre department. She'll be doing this all by herself. I remember auditioning for the music department when I was visiting for a college weekend, but my parents were there, too. We aren't going out there with her. So GO JENNAH!!! She's a brave soul. There isn't much that causes her to shrink away from doing something she wants to do.
(She does, however, shrink away from answering her phone and doing the household chores assigned. It may be the her only weakness). HAHAH

Thirdly: This is her senior year. Holy Moley. Some things in her line up, to make this year count for all its worth, she will audition for the neighboring school's musical, which is Chorus Line. Auditions are in November. Her own school also has a musical which will be auditioning in March. Its not determined which one they are doing yet, but she will definitely have some kind of featured part. I think she got the theater bug!!! She's pretty much a shoe in for Valedictorian of her class. Oh boy oh boy. My heart swells with pride over our children. Aren't we the lucky ones?

We are taking the girls on a cruise over Thanksgiving--a much desired adventure for Jennah. We will also visit my parents, my brother and Anika while we are there. It should be quite a whirlwind. What else can we squeeze into the picture.

I can't wait to see all that the future holds for Jennah this final year of high school... our middle child. So far its going pretty well!!! (Is there a middle when you have six)?

Four Shows Down Eight to Go

One of the cast mates took this iphone pic at our restaurant-outing after the Saturday show. This is the pit band-- minus my daughter Jennah who is in the middle. From left to right: Dave (drummer), me (pianist) Jennah (not in the band), Abby (violinist) and Kyle (awesome bass player). We are having a lot of fun. I'm friends with Dave who is also my kids' music teacher at the school. This is the first opportunity for me to play a show of any kind with him and he is steady eddy! Just an all-around good guy. 

Abby is young and full of life and she finds her way right into the middle of the "party". I can't understand people like that (just kidding). She's doing a great job. She's got a lot of energy, so I'm not sure why she drinks the red bull before the show. There have been interesting notes happening throughout, but to be fair, sometimes they aren't just coming from her. Like I said in my last post... I can practice and practice and still play things wrong. I think some people just have the ability to play things perfectly and others are missing a few elements in how the messages go to the brain and back, which allow for imperfections. For me, I'm even having eye sight issues, so the dark lighting and badly copied music gives me no leg up. 

Kyle is a total pleasure to work with. He's student teaching and at the cusp of his career. He's talking about a masters program and he's one of those top notch musicians who also shares his gift through teaching. He is very talented and plays just about every instrument, as well as being a singer. He also does vocal percussion, like you wouldn't believe. Nice guy.

All in all, our four shows so far have gone well. There are always bumps along the way. Can someone please explain to me who is running the thermostat? Sometimes the air is on super cold, which makes me feel badly for the audience because it freezes them out even though its very nice for the band and the actors back stage, all cramped behind one curtain for their dressing room. Other times, the air isn't on very much and we swelter. I was so hot on Saturday, I felt like a had a fever. My face was flush the entire show. And let me tell you, I had a difficult time with the music, playing the most random wrong notes. It was a quandary.  I'd start an intro to a song and my left hand would be on the starting notes and my right hand would somehow drift a half step to the wrong notes for the very first chord. CLANG! Just random mistakes I'd never made before. It happened similarly about 3 times during the night... at places in the music where it would have been obvious for anyone who has an ear for music. What the heck was wrong with me? Of course, I'd correct things immediately and keep everything going, but the faces of horror and apology and pleading I'd give to my fellow band mates gave them a chuckle. Ugh. It wasn't extremely terrible, just subtlety terrible. And I wasn't very happy about it.

Yesterday, I mentioned this to my fiddler before going out to play the matinee. I said how I hoped it wasn't going to be so hot, because it really effected me yesterday. She retorted, "I know. You were playing wrong notes all over the place!" OH!!! RUDE!!! I was mad already (which I let them know) because they got there about 45 minutes late, with no warning or phone call or even an apology, but that comment ticked me off. Not because it wasn't partly true, but because she tends to play wrong notes and poor tuning all over the place every time we play!! And furthermore, did she actually think I didn't know that I was having trouble? That's what I was admitting to in the first place. It was probably just her young age mixed with her personality and Turkish culture, to come out and be so blunt to the music director who got her the job. It's no big deal. But I can't say I didn't seethe a little about it throughout the entire show. Maybe it really helped me. I played a great show (except for one bad chord). She however, had what our cast calls "a shit show" and she admitted it at intermission. She shouldn't have been so ungracious in her judgment towards me. Maybe I would have been a little more gracious in this post. heh heh heh

Something Shifted

I've been playing the piano since I was three years old (so my mother tells everyone). I took lessons all my growing up years and studied classical music in college, receiving a bachelor's degree in music, piano performance. Its never only been classical music for me, though. I've also played all other kinds of music along the way (some more proficiently than others).

I practiced a lot as a youngster thanks to my mom for setting that timer when I really wanted to go outside and play, but heck. My one hour a day of practicing was no where near as much as other young musicians who went on to the big leagues of success. It was never really in my make-up to go in that direction anyway. I am a good musician... but I never imagine a lifetime of performing as a career. I am doing just fine with my music career... even with my rusty skills. After all, once I graduated from the university I got married and had SIX KIDS!! That stuff comes before music for me. And having six kids is certainly not the life of a concert pianist. Hah!

I have continued my music for all these years, but actually, my classical chops have long been tucked away and remain as a solid foundation for everything I do. Probably 90% of my "contemporary/local" friends have never even heard me play a single classical piece. I few piano bar tunes, pop songs, and worship music, but no Beethoven or Chopin. Anyway, I'm playing shows now (musicals). It seems to have become my new stage in life and I getting more and more work coming my way. I love it. Its a very nice challenge. Its also exhausting. I must be careful how much I take on.

I'm musical director for a show presently, not to be confused with being THE DIRECTOR. Musical director means that I teach and rehearse all the music with the cast and give direction to the music aspect of the show. I've already been doing this with middle school kids for the past 3 years, but what I'm doing now is different. I'm working with adults!! Its not my first time as musical director for adults, but this time it feels different. Things have shifted in my confidence. I like how it feels. The position is  challenging on a personal level, which is what I need. And I've been greatly appreciated (verbally) which also feels good.

I've struggled on and off in my life with confidence issues and perfectionism. I'm definitely NOT an obsessed perfectionist, or I would be practicing non stop for hours every day. No. I don't get obsessed with being perfect, because first of all, there is no joy in that, and I tend to be a joyful, fun-loving person. And secondly, I know that it is impossible to be perfect. I like to shoot for things that are attainable in reality. Truth be told, even if I practiced like a maniac, I'd probably still play it wrong sometimes. (I do practice--just not obsessively). I'm not happy about things not being right. I want harmonies to be right. I want rhythms and notes to be right. Lyrics. Tempos. Musicality. Timing. NOTES! PERFECTION!! But I'm ok when its not, because that's live performance. There is an art to convincing everyone that you are right even when it wasn't suppose to be done that way. So, using your skills to make mistakes look good can also play into the picture of a decent performance. But as long as we are still in rehearsal, I want everyone to work their hardest at getting it RIGHT. My standards are high. (I just wish everything I played was right!!!).

I've spent a lot of time working with the cast, rehearsing them, developing friendships, getting on their cases when they've forgotten something we've gone over a gazillion times already. But as of yesterday my attention has turned. Last night's rehearsal took things to a whole new level. We added the rest of the pit band. I was quite nervous all day about it. Its hard to direct a band while your hands are on the piano. But they are pretty good at picking up my head-nod cues and reading my lips. Haha. And then suddenly! dress rehearsal is tonight... which is rather quick after only one rehearsal together. Its time to perform.  I feel confident about my work. However....

I better go practice.

The Offspring

I have six.

You already know that.

How can some of them be so different in their personality make-up? The thought dawned on me this morning (again) when I dropped one of my daughters off to an empty parking lot. I asked her, "Are you sure anyone is coming?" I was ready to wait in the car with her until someone showed, but she said, "Its ok. They will be here soon. I'll just wait on the bench." (They were going to another school to watch a volleyball playoff game). I was thinking, had it been a particular other daughter of mine, she would have told me to wait there with her until someone, not just anyone, but someone with whom she felt comfortable talking to arrived. Or more likely, she would have made a friend ride there with her just to be sure she wouldn't be "alone". Of course, sometimes the differences have all to do with their stages in life and maturity levels. But its definitely ALSO personality differences. They both make my heart swell.

My boyz are so different, too. Even their particular jobs and what they do after work almost gives them a polar opposite appearance. One comes home from the marina looking like he just walked out of a GQ magazine with preppy clothes and money falling out of his pockets (haha) and then other one comes home looking like he was dragged behind the quad and the trail for two miles. When he puts his laundry through the cycles, there are usually a pocket full of wire connectors or screws clanging around in the dryer, and none of his work clothes ever come out looking clean. It makes you wonder how soon the boss is going to put in the next company tee-shirt order to get his boyz looking decent again. I enjoy both of them tremendously.

I have a daughter living on her own while attending college. She tells everyone one of us we need to come visit her. Actually we are going south to visit her around Thanksgiving, but her brother decided to find some flights and spend a week with her this month before he leaves on his winter adventures to South and Central America. As a mama it makes me so happy to see that my kids love each other and want to spend time together.

The youngest makes sure that she is included in her siblings adventures at least some of the time. She's going to end up having the best of both worlds; being loved by her siblings and yet being spoiled the most, being the last one remaining before heading off to independence.

I have to admit that I enjoy the process of watching them live their lives and dream their dreams. I'm not always happy about everything they do or feel. Seeing them grapple and struggle with life's circumstances is challenging to watch. Sometimes I try to speak into a situation or give them guidance or advice and other times I have to zip my lip and allow them to find the answers on their own. I do enjoying watching them learn and grow and discover who they are. More than anything, I want them to discover who they are meant to be; who they've been created to be. But then I remember that I'm still trying to figure that out myself, at 46 years old. I suppose its a life long process. For me anyway. I like arriving at those peaks and mountain tops in my life, but I never find satisfaction in staying there for very long. I see the next one and I want to go to it, so the journey continues...

My Daughter Has a Problem

 

Have any of you every tried this dressing? My daughter, Lizzy, tried it when she was at a friend's house and came home raving about it. She's a real salad lover but this dressing puts her over the top. She loves her vinegar, for sure, so when she discovered this combination, it was all over.

Problem was, she couldn't remember the brand name. Her dad ordered what he thought was the right dressing when ordering groceries (Peapod). Nope! That's not it. She asked to go to the store several times to look for it over the following weeks, because she was craving it, but it was nowhere to be found. I even ventured to the grocery store myself on a whim to see if I could find what she meant. I brought home two types. NOPE! They were not the right ones.

Lizzy finally asked her friend WHERE in the world they bought the dressing. The IGA in Sag Harbor. So, Lizzy went with her own money and purchased a few bottles of the dressing. They are pricey at around $4.50 a bottle. Big Spender. But worth every penny in her opinion.

A few weeks back, I was in the garage grabbing something from the extra frig when I noticed a bottle of this dressing tucked away. I laughed to myself, thinking of Lizzy being a salad dressing hoarder. A few days later I spotted another bottle of dressing in a kitchen cabinet, which is only opened on occasion. It gave me another chuckle. Lizzy Lizzy Lizzy.

When we were both sitting in the kitchen, I opened the cabinet with the dressing tucked away, and I asked her about her new "hoarding habit". After a few laughs, she claimed that because she bought the dressing herself, she didn't want everyone else to use it up on her. I reminded her that she's probably the only one who even wants to use that kind of dressing. I'm a caesar dressing kind of gal. Caleigh likes Italian. Jennah doesn't even like salad, nor do the boyz. However, BJ probably does want to use the dressing sometimes, but she should probably share it with him since he buys ALL of her salad fixings to begin with. HAHAHA

Gotta love the salad dressing hoarders of the world!!

She's also been known to hoard her special shampoo and conditioner so that no one else uses it up on her. This must be a byproduct of having a mom who truly avoids having to run to the store for things when they run out.

P.S. This is written in good fun. I don't actually think Lizzy has a hoarding problem or a food problem... its really more about the fact that there are a lot of people living in our house and certain food items and other products can go rather fast. So please don't lecture me about how I am destroying my children's esteem by writing about them in this way.

P.S.S. I probably didn't even need to write the P.S. seeing as I think I only have about 2 or 3 readers here anymore. Three cheers for my faithful blogger friends. Holla!!

My Once-a-Month Blog Post

To think that only a few years ago I posted something on Kool Daze practically every day...

Well, it's September!!! Labor Day has finally come and gone. Where I live in the Hamptons, Labor Day is a marker for us. Its the big send off! Unlike Memorial Day, which marks the big parade of summer traffic coming into the Hamptons, which remains for a few months and swells significantly on the weekends, Labor Day marks the mass exodus. (Some do stay longer). During the summer months, if you choose to go out in public, you will notice a vast difference in the attitudes of people you pass by on the road, at the beach and in other public places. Plenty of the peeps are upbeat and relaxed and having fun, but there are enough of those who have this air of entitlement, who drive like maniacs and take advantage of every person they possibly can, to cause great annoyance. They are nasty and extremely full of themselves. They really believe that everyone must cater to their every whim and if you don't, you must be stupid. These people are rats. They truly make a relatively mild-mannered person want to throw up or punch someone in the throat.

My five older kids (and my husband) all work with these kinds of people, and the stories can be quite entertaining. Just a few days ago, Nate drew this chalk line for a person who thought it was ok to park like this in the village. hahah. Lizzy was telling us about a woman in her store who was trying on all kinds of clothes and coming out of the dressing room naked to find something else to try on. (In the woman's defense, she was European--haha). Terry had a client call him to DO SOMETHING about the MOTHS that had come into the house. Terry is a construction manager for a company that builds multimillion dollar homes, not a housekeeper. Those same people also wanted him to do something about the ticks. Haha, if only!! Jennah had a man strongly reprimand her for not responding properly when he said hello. He must have been the keeper of "proper store etiquette" and he was out to change the world, and get everyone back in line. Jennah, one of the most steady, reliable, hardworking teens you could meet, just smiled and said ok. Her coworkers couldn't believe she was so gracious about the whole thing. On the streets, I've seen drivers practically run down pedestrians because they are in such a hurry to get somewhere. It's CRAY CRAY!! In the drivers' defense, pedestrians can be awfully stupid in their attempts to cross the street, but I don't trust anyone when I'm crossing the street on foot.

I tell my kids that we live in an environment that is different than most other places in the country.  I want them to know that its unusual for a small community to be in this ultimate mode  of a competitive/survival mentality for 3 months out of the year. But that's what happens when you live in a small, country-like resort area that overpopulated with fast-paced, NYC and Jersey dwellers looking for parties and relaxation. They don't free themselves from the competition, and certainly not the entitlement. They probably become more entitled while being in the Hamptons because its VACATION for them, whereas its a regular work day for the rest of us. 

True confession: I don't mind it so much. Makes life exciting. Sometimes I get mad at a driver who may be behind me at a stop sign, honking at me because I've decided to wait a little longer in order not to run a pedestrian over getting to the next spot on a bumper to bumper road. I'm so glad I'm not an angry person (anymore).

Anyway, buh-bye crowds and bad drivers. TIME TO GO HOME!

Couldn't we at least have a really beautiful and quiet week to spend at the beach before school starts back? Right now its 70 degrees and flash flood warnings out there. POURING!! Booooo!

I Don't Feel Inspired

This summer has been going well. It started off with Lyme's Disease (pooh), but we took care of that right away and I think I've recovered fairly well.

Jolene has been here for the summer, visiting from Germany. She's having the time of her life taking trips to the city, and touring around the area with her friends and even doing some side jobs to gain some extra money for college when she goes back home in September.

Anika was home from college since April. She wasted a good month not getting a job, because she had secured a job early on with a woman. babysitting everyday for the summer months, however, the job didn't start until June. I finally convinced her to go back to her old job at least until this one started and wouldn't you know, after the woman assured her it was happening, she canceled about a week before it was supposed to start. Grrrr. So Anika played amazing catch up with two and three jobs for the rest of the summer. Now she's back in Florida in her new digs right next to the beach (doh). She has her first car and took her first solo road trip... well it was solo for the last 10 hours but she shared the drive with her friend for the first 17 hours from NY to Nashville. She also has her first apartment and is going into her second year of college. She is thrilled about her life and all the new things she is learning about living on your own, and I hope she will be super responsible. Please God! Give her loads of wisdom.

I've taught two one-week-long theater camps this summer, which went well. My 15 year old, Lizzy was my assistant for one of the weeks. That was really fun to do the camp with her. She's definitely growing into her own, I've noticed. She and Jennah and Caleigh went to Word of Life camp for a week along with 4 other kids from our circle of friends and they LOVED it! They all want to go back again, and Jennah is even talking about going to Bible college for a year, but she has also revisited the idea of going to ORU which gets my vote. This is the big year for her to start figuring out what she wants to do after graduation this coming June. Can you believe I have another senior?? Holy Moley. Jennah also had a boyfriend. He is a really good guy, a ginger who stands about 10 ft tall. He just got back from a mission trip to El Salvador, building 2 houses for some needy families.

My parents were here visiting from Florida with their dog, Grace. We had a great time with them. We took a 5-day cruise together to Nova Scotia and New Brunswick and that was a lot of fun. They stayed for another week, we had a family party at the house and now they are in NC with my sister, to celebrate her birthday. She's getting REALLY old!! hahaa Also, she had a new grand baby boy as of last night. Woot woot. Welcome, Zachariah Wayne. Zachariah's daddy, Kris, was so excited for a boy this time, to go along with his one year old daughter. And he gave him his brother's namesake which is very special, too, after losing Zach at such a young age.

Caleigh and I hit the beach three times this week. It was almost the only times I've been all summer. How sad not to be at the beach all summer. People pay lots of money to come here and do just that. Oh well, It is what it is. I plan to go back for several more days before school starts again. Its pouring rain today, so I will get work done. I have homework to put together for Caleigh's teacher (who happens to be a good friend of mine). She wants a letter written by a parent about the child. Well, you can be sure she is going to get a LETTER!! Its going to be a book. I'm going to start at Caleigh's birth, include pictures and anecdotes. Hah! She'll be reading it for weeks. Maybe that will encourage her not to give the kids way too much homework this year... or it could cause the exact opposite. Oh boy. I must play this game wisely.

Well, there is the update. Lots of excitement happening, but no real motivation to blog regularly. I'm just living life.

I'm taking the youth group to Great Adventure next week. That should be a hoot. Oh and I am music directing a show which will perform in Oct. I didn't pick the show, nor did I know what it was going to be when I accepted the position. Ends up we are doing Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Ahhh gotta love a decent whorehouse. "Cuz there ain't nothin' dirty goin' on". It's certainly going to be a ride.

So What is it About July 20th?

JULY 20th
Someone (of the Buddhist persuasion) told me if I could just hold on until July 20th then everything will right itself again. It had something to do with Mercury. I think she was joking... possibly, because she is hilarious, but I tell you what!!! I cannot wait until things right themselves again. And if its July 20th then I will be a happy camper.

I FEEL LIKE JOB
My life is fine. Nothing has been life threatening or devastating, however, I do feel like I've continually received a beating from the devil's minions, day after day. Kind of like Job. I may complain about my woes, but I will still praise Him.

IS THIS A PLAGUE
So a little over a month ago I ended up with Lyme from a tick bite... again. Thirty daze of doxycyclin is never fun, but I made it through. I had a few minor issues along the way, but I kept going. I also had about 3 more tick bites while I was on the antibiotics. Pestilence.

THE HAMPTON BUILDING CODES--RUTHLESS
Our outdoor storage tent--the one we call the golden globe, which is used to store mostly my son's toys and tools--brought the code enforcement officer to our house a few times. BJ was sure that we had an open building permit which allowed for the tent. Ends up that our building permit was about 8 months expired and now I have to appear in court on Friday to see if we will receive fines up to $1500. I got the extension for the building permits a few days after I received the appearance ticket... but it may not be good enough. Praying for favor. Not happy about having to go to court.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
My 3 year old iMac crashed about two weeks ago. The hard drive went bad. It was a very challenging week for me. I was able to use my husband's laptop for the meantime but then that crashed. WHAT?! Yup. So weird. I was not feeling very good about things at that point. Thankfully the iMac was repaired with a new hard drive and it was under an extended warranty. Thank you, Jesus. I lost about 4 months of pictures and other files, but everything else was safe.

MORE FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
We had a few parties not long ago, like July 4th for instance. It was quite hot that day and the freezer was being opened a LOT for ice. Within a week the freezer had totally frosted up and the ice maker wasn't working very well (or maybe it just wasn't keeping up) but that was just another thing going wrong. I think we fixed it, but its still struggling with this hot hot weather.

LOVING LIFE IN THE HAMPTONS
When I was at the Town Hall getting the permit renewed, I had to renew the pool permit and the electrical. $cha ching$ So I went ahead and scheduled the inspections. The inspectors came this past week and both of them failed us for a few things we still need to take care of. No big deal, because they aren't difficult things to bring into compliance, but Terry just finished building the enclosure for the outdoor shower and the inspector informs me that we need a building permit for that. AGH!!!! So I went up to get that permit as well, which means a plumbing permit as well. $cha ching$ $cha ching$ Each permit is just another way for the Town to tax us more for our property. Its so exasperating. And costly. So it just feels like the house of cards is crumbling... but we are doing what we need to do to make things comply to the building codes. Some of the codes are a bit excessive, but it's the Hamptons.

TUNING A UKELELE
There has been a lot of ukelele playing around here. Do you know how to tune a ukelele? Its tuned to a little ditty that goes like this:  "My Dog Has Fleas". Yea. Well, a few weeks ago it seemed apparent that mine actually did... have fleas. So the battle with fleas began, first with the dog, and then with the house and then!!!! my dryer stopped drying properly. Our house of 9 people, including a pool that hosts youth group each week and towels galore, needing to be washes. But besides that, if any of you know about fleas, its important to have a hot dryer to kill anything that may be hanging on past the spray and the vacuuming and the advantix and the flea baths. Its not a severe problem with bites all over everyone, but I'm trying to keep it from becoming one.

THE CLOTHES LINE
The dryer has been a whole other dilemma with an absolutely bogus repairman who has major anger issues. I won't even go into that detail. You can read about it on facebook. But I have hung more clothes lines so that I can hang the laundry along with the pool towels. Its something I remember my step grandmother doing. I kind of like it. It's a lot more work and the clothes are having trouble drying in such a humid climate, so I have to run the clothes in the dryer for about 50 minutes before I can hang them to dry. Isn't that ridiculous?? Just trying to get everything ready for company which is coming tomorrow.

THE PRESSURE IS ON
Once my friend, Leigh Anne and her daughters head to the city on Sunday, I have to finish preparing to teach a week of theater camp with my daughter, Lizzy. I'm a bit nervous (as usual) but once we get going it will be fine. I had lined up my older daughter to do the camp with me and she ended up getting another job. I was scrambling, but Lizzy is getting excited so I think it will be awesome.

Well that's my update... and my woes... and my hope for a better day... in about 3 daze. HAH. I still haven't had that meltdown, but today I came very close.

My Former Driven Life

Have you ever discovered an unhealthy behavior about yourself, decided to get the help and endure the  pain to become a healthier person, only to work doubly hard not to judge someone else close to you, who seems to display that former habit you overcame? Its impossible for me to get "close" to another person who displays certain characteristics that I walked away from, because it triggers me. I become very bothered by what I think they are "stuck in" and I WANT TO FIX THEM! haha

I spent a good couple of years working explicitly on changing my co-dependent behaviors which I knew nothing about until my life wound up in a heap of unmanageable chaos. My personal tendencies included things like:

• having no real boundaries in relationships, 
• taking care of everyone else's needs to the point of my needs not being important (to me or anyone else), 
• having an inability to say no because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, 
• being a total people-pleaser, 
• not valuing my own opinion enough to feel ok if someone disagreed or challenged me, 
• spiraling into self-hatred if I made a mistake no matter how minor,
• needing everyone to feel good and happy

I put a lot of pressure on myself to help everyone I possibly could. It was a formula for continual disappointment. People like to complain about their problems, and they want others to listen, but that doesn't mean they want me or anyone else to fix them. And 9 times out of 10, if someone tells them what they "need to do" they won't do it, just because. People want to found their own answers, which is why I've learned to listen and let people feel whatever they are feeling without correcting them. Its been much more effective when I share my own stories in life, without having those underlying motives, to somehow help others finding their way. Its not up to me to do it for them.

So, I bite my tongue. When my friend tells me her string of events for the day, seemingly proud of how much she did and how crazy her schedule is and the amount of things she does for everyone... all the accomplishments... sure its amazing. But is it healthy? I am doing my best not to transfer my experiences and shortcomings to anyone else and their life experiences. I can say that just listening to it, though, triggers a sense of resentment towards that life. It was my former life... in the ministry. "Pastor's wife" was my title (how thrilling)... with lots of young kids to mother, and they didn't always behave perfectly in the fishbowl. I remember feeling acceptable mostly based on all of the things I was able to accomplish and do for others. The things I did, the energy I expended for others made me feel valued, but if I were criticized by someone, suddenly my house of cards crumbled. I believed at that point I must not be good enough. I wasn't doing things right. Somethings wrong with me because not everyone liked me. Not everyone was happy with my work. Horrors.

I'm glad to be free of that. crap!!! Yes, I am busy. You can't have six kids, all still living at home, and not be busy. But I'm not driven anymore. I don't care if I please everyone. HAH! Lots of times I know I don't please everyone. Sure it can still be a battle, but I've learned to resist the urges to make everything perfect in order to be acceptable to everyone. < - - how stupid to think that's even possible

So, we had youth group at our house last night for the summer kick off and I wasn't home all day to clean, cook, bake or even tidy up the kitchen counter or the pool area. The kids were home making messed with their friends and doing NOTHING. I was out taking pictures of Jennah for Prom Night when everyone arrived. My house was a disaster!!! ...but guess what. I DON'T CARE!! And neither do the kids. Admittedly, I was a little annoyed when I came home, because I kicked into hospitality mode only to find that we had no paper cups, no plastic forks, were low on drinks, etc. Unprepared! Earlier in the week I made it very clear to the youth leader (my husband) that I wasn't able to help prepare this week. See, I can say "no" fairly easily now. And when I say no, I'm learning to be ok if things aren't done perfectly by someone else. The kids don't care. Trust me, they don't even notice.

Not the Most Ideal Morning

We have a large, loud fan in the bedroom to cover up snoring and other noises from the kitchen, etc. Its used all winter long. I have slept a lot better with it for some time. But after a while it no longer helped me stay asleep. Now, in addition to the fan, I wear ear plugs as a sleep aid. I think I started wearing them sometime in the winter. Maybe it started even before that. Maybe its been a year already. Probably.... They work fairly well to cover the snoring produced by my favorite person and the love of my life. I don't love the snoring! But the earplugs may have helped to save a marriage (haha).

This morning... well, every morning, one of the girls will come in around 7:30 to tap me awake because they didn't catch the bus and need a ride to school. This morning there were two girls tapping me. Weird. Wait a second. Why is it already 7:55? (School starts at 7:50). They are late before they've even come in to wake me up. Lizzy's ready. I'm told Jennah doesn't feel well and wants to go to school late (which means later than the "late" they are) and Caleigh is sitting at the kitchen counter still doing the homework she failed to finish last night.

AGHHH THIS HOMEWORK IS KILLING ME!!!! Yes ME! Somehow, my 5th grader just cannot do her homework on her own and she's very slow about getting it completed and she needs help on every freaking question and she needs someone by her side keeping her focused. It becomes a mama-yelling scenario almost every other night, but that doesn't seem to help anything change. I have reached the limit. She has reached the limit. She's burnt out on school. WHY ISN'T IT SUMMER YET????

I digress.

So, Lizzy goes to the car, but I can't find one of my flip flops. PEPPERMINT!!! She likes to take shoes outside. She's been fairly good about only carrying them and not chewing on them (um... unless they have heels). But I still cannot find my other flip flop. Grrrrrrr So Lizzy is waiting in the car and meanwhile, Caleigh is still sitting at the counter trying to finish her last 3 pages of reading. "Get in the car and read in there," I say in my scolding tone. "But I feel sick when I read in the car," she claims. "Too bad!" is my unsympathetic retort. When we get to school, a mere 4 minutes away, she doesn't get out but keeps reading. So I kick her out and tell her that from now until the end of school, no TV or breaks just to veg out until homework is complete.

Honestly though, I struggle with concept of young kids being in school all day long and coming home with homework which takes them all night to complete. Where is the imagination in that? Caleigh thrives in the creative things like art (which she doesn't have this year) and music and dance. She needs time also to practice and go to lessons. And then there's still homework. With all the ridiculous about of state testing and the pressure that comes with it, she thinks that she's not good at math. She thinks she's not good at science.  And she thinks she's not good at social studies. Her grades are decent. So why are there meltdowns before every single test?? This bring me distress. I'm reevaluating (again) the education she is getting and the patterns she has been developing--the distaste towards learning new things. To me it seems like it crushes her spirit and because of the whining she gives me, I'm probably adding to it. So yeah. This is what I come home feeling like, after dropping them off.

Ten minutes later, Jennah is dressed and ready. "Mom, can you take me to school.?" OH COME ON!!! 

After dropping her off, I get home and procrastinate for another hour. As I was cleaning up the dishes from last night AFTER THE KITCHEN WAS CLEANED UP, I inadvertently poured some frying oil down the kitchen sink, thinking it was water. AGH! Annoyed, I grab a cup of coffee and check FB for a while, trying to snap out of my bad attitude from the morning so far.  I finally decide that I must make my way over to the Episcopal Church where I will be playing the organ this coming Sunday. I've not yet played at this church so I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure it will be fine, but I've yet to play the organ. That's why I planned to head over there, to practice. I was warned however that I should come early so that I didn't interfere with any meetings. Well, apparently I missed the window. I can't practice then. Meanwhile, the week is zooming by and I still haven't touched the organ yet. To be fair, the organist led me through the entire service and all the ins and outs of the organ. At least I have that to go on. One time I played for a Methodist service cold turkey having never played on that organ before. That was a bit of a scramble. Actually, I've had several occasions of cold turkey organ playing. I'm not even an organist!!! And the Catholic Mass gave me great anxiety. Why do I get so distraught about these things?!

I guess Caleigh gets her propensity for meltdowns from her mama.

I'm noticing a lot more gray in my hair. Summer can't come quick enough. I need the sun to add some natural highlights to cover.

My Pet Peeves in the Kitchen

Periodically, I decide that its a good idea to have a passive/aggressive rant on my blog... just to get it off my chest and add a little humor to my daily annoyances. It doesn't make much of a difference because I don't think anyone in the household reads my blog. (I'm not sure I want them to, either. LOL). But it does give me more articulate thought regarding changes that could be made.

I am very relaxed about the housekeeping during this stage of my life. I have to be. There is soooo much traffic constantly going through my home. We have an open door policy and there door is walked through probably 500 times a day. Maybe the fact that I am relaxed and inviting, creates more traffic. All the traffic can become a bit taxing at times. I have a great husband who helps with everything, and the six kids, ages ranging from 21-11 years old, are all presently at home. A good handful of them work full 8-10 hours a days, and the rest are still in school and very active. We have extras in our house every single day of the week just to hang out with one of the kool kids. There are plenty of nights where we have extras for dinner. I have to count on 8 or more every night... never quite knowing who will be home and who won't and how many extras will show their sad eyes, acting like they won't have any dinner to eat at home. I don't want to be controlling about the open home, because its who we are as a family. I've only shut it down when it was completely necessary.

It doesn't mean I like EVERYTHING about the open door thing, though. It can be REALLY frustrating, at times. I should paint a permanent a sign to post at the entrance of the house. When you enter our home you walk right into the kitchen, soooo....

Top 10 Pet Peeves in the Kitchen

Why are you wiping your muddy shoes off on the entryway mat?! HELLO!!!
TIP: Try stomping your shoes and wiping them on the outside mat, before you step in.

Who thought it was a good idea to fill up the sink, both sides, with dirty dishes just because the dishwasher is full of clean dishes? OH, ALL OF YOU????
TIP #1: I'd rather you rinse your item and neatly stack a pile on the counter, rather than dropping everything in the sink.
TIP #2: You'd get MEGA extra points for putting the clean dishes away and loading the dirty ones into the dishwasher (at least ONE point each anyway).
TIP #3: When putting cups away, please stack the cups with matching cups only. Its not an OCD thing of mine. Its the fact that when someone grabs a bigger cup only to have the surprise of a smaller drop out of the larger one, it can cause an entire cacophony of events, including clean, breakable items on the drying towel below being knocked to the floor.

Who the HECK is putting their dirty dishes in the sink when the dishwasher has already been emptied?!! Let me guess. You didn't even bother to check.
TIP: IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE LIVING (HERE) DON'T EVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!!

Seriously? Who filled up the dishwasher to full capacity and never turned it on??!!!
TIP: Do you really need a tip for this point?

(Upon finishing the task of putting away the items from the dishwasher... ) WHOOOOOO failed to taking the wrapping off the dishwasher tablet before closing it in the dispenser and running the whole cycle???!!!
TIP: At one point or another, you've probably eaten off dishes that were only cleaned with hot water and no detergent. I hope you're happy. My apologies to the extras!

OK, you wise guys!! When you've spilled something on the floor and automatically assumed that you didn't actually spill anything, saying to yourself, "It was an 'almost-spill' but nothing really hit the floor. I swear." I have news: It was actually a true spill! The dirt your dragged in only emphasized it.
TIP: Its going to be a long time before that floor gets mopped so you really ought to grab a paper towel with a little water and wipe up the spot where your freaking ice cream dropped. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S JUST A LITTLE DRIBBLE!!!!

Holy Cow! Don't tell me you're  disappearing from the dinner table after a nice meal and forgetting to bring your plate and cup over?? No no no nono.  And don't forget that it goes in the dishwasher!!
TIP:  Rude!

Maybe you think I don't notice because there are so many people at dinner each night, but assuming that its NOT YOUR NIGHT for dishes, every single night is getting old.
TIP: If you keep this up, every night is going to be your night, and that goes for ALL OF YOU!!

Just because the kitchen table is the first clear space you see when you come through the front door does not mean that you should put all of your stuff right there!!!
TIP: We do sit down for dinner every night and those things are in the way, in case you've never thought about that before. Bring them to your room first thing (after, of course, you've wiped your shoes OUTside the door and put your dirty coffee mugs or lunch box containers IN the dishwasher). I know. I know. Now its getting complicated.

No, I do not wish for you to go to the next open space to put all your stuff down from the day. And furthermore, the counter is not suppose to be the catch-all for every ones miscellaneous items.
TIP: If you want to make me crazy, go ahead and leave your junk on the counter for a whole week and a half. YOU WILL SOON EXPERIENCE MY CRAZY!!

Well, I don't think anyone would read this sign at the entry way, but at least it's been written!!!

In the Midst of My Kool Daze

I realized something about myself not so long ago. I do not enjoy doing things that I don't become good at quickly. I don't mind working on something so that I can master it. I do practice and work toward goals. But I've noticed that some people don't mind working on something and being really REALLY bad. haha. It doesn't always bother other people as much as it does me. I'm not great at tap dancing, and I haven't been working on it for long. But maybe there is potential there for me. I've been in classes with others who literally had two left feet and no rhythm. It didn't seem to bother them much and they would try and try and try. (It would get annoying to me if I were paying for the class and they held all of us back... but that's not what I'm getting at here). I can keep at it with tap, or leave it.

I perform a lot with music and acting. More recently I've been hired for playing the piano for shows and the job of vocal coach. I am not immediately brilliant. It takes a lot of work for me to feel satisfied with my personal performance. I never get it perfect and wouldn't ever call myself a perfectionist, but I want to be very good. I want to be impressive, or at the very least, not a distraction to the whole performance. Its been going pretty well and other jobs are coming my way. Today, I will get the DVDs  for last weeks show that the girls performed, A Night on Broadway. I did that one voluntarily. I guess I had a vested interest. Haha. So, I'm so excited and a little scared, because its when viewing the real deal, I can see if it was as good as I felt it was when they took the final bow. I don't want to be disappointed in the end.

Something else I didn't mention, was my need for reassurance and encouragement. I've always wanted constructive feedback, especially about the tasks that I would do on a regular basis; the ones where I  have the opportunity to improve. For the one-time things, or one-weekend-only events, its usually better to only give the positive feedback. In most cases I already know full well about what hasn't gone well. I'm a bit of a critic when it comes to my own stuff. Sometimes, when I see someone performing who isn't really so good, and yet they are oblivious, I wonder if that's what I'm like when I perform: oblivious to how bad it is, thinking I am rather good. That's when I turn to my husband to find out. I know that's kind of asking if "these jeans make me look fat," but he's usually willing to give to the risk and give me a fair assessment. Almost always he laughs (like NO WAY) when I ask if I sound like "that person" when I'm performing. So I am a harsh critic like that new Dove experiment that's been going around the internet.

Let me discuss gardening! Here is something I don't enjoy because I can't seem to figure out how to do it well. We have a beautiful perennial garden and lovely plantings, but as much as I try, things just keep making the garden be less and less lovely every year. Last year it was voles eating the roots. The year before it was an invasion of violets. The year before it was allowing ragweed to grow, thinking it was one of my plants. I've tried diving up some of the plants that are getting too big, but I don't know that I did a very good job. Now I have a puppy who is digging and playing and rolling in the gardens, plus what I think is a new invasive weed. Ayi yi yi. I will keep trying, but I don't enjoy it, mainly because I'm bad at it.

So that's all I wanted to say.

What kind of person are you? Someone who's good at everything you do (because you avoid the things you aren't good at)? Do you like trying new things and struggling through them, even if you never master the skills? Are you the person who is willing to work even for years on something, just because you don't like to give up? Or someone who likes to hide away, apart from the public eye, taking care of your own home and not taking risks? Its all good. We are who He's created us to be.

Kool Fireside Chat

Some people find a fireside to be a wonderful place to relax. We don't build too many fires in our fireplace through the winter, but we do in the summer at the outdoor firepit. Its not quite summertime yet, but the firepit has been used throughout the winter (not by me... not once).

Lizzy had some friends over a few weeks ago for s'mores around the fire and then a movie on the trampoline. Aaah good times in the cold night air. So they each had their own blanket, some from the attic and closets, and a few from the wicker basket. I had about 13 blankets to wash because they all smelled like a bon fire and were dragged through the dirt and woods. NICE!!

About a week later, the trampoline gave way to a huge rip right down the middle. Thankfully no one was hurt. The winter was brutal on that old thing. Now its been dismantled and on its way to the dump. (Did I mention that one set of legs completely broke off a few days after that?) DANGEROUS!

Now that the trampoline is gone we have a wonderful new area of the yard to use. So, Luke decided to move the brick firepit over to the nice, level, cleared spot... a place where there are less spiders and creepy crawlers to worry about because it gets more sunlight during the day. And the neighbor boys did a fine job of clearing all the leaves out. Next thing Luke decided was to purchase a yard wagon that could also be pulled behind his quad. His new toy. He's been gathering firewood from the woods, wouldn't you know. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...?

I'm really looking forward to this summer. There is still a lot of work to do around here in preparation, which I'm not necessarily looking forward to. This weekend we will be getting a load of mulch, and when I say "a load"... HOLY MACKEREL!!! Hopefully, the neighbor boyz will be by for some more money-making, back-breaking work. Last year its was just Terry, Caleigh, and me along with my parents (who are in the mid 70s but very strong and spry) spreading that stuff throughout. It was a HUGE amount of work!!!

The pool won't be open until mid-June most likely. It doesn't get warm enough here to swim until about then. However, Peppermint begs to differ. She is already taking full baths in the water, She runs out on the cover and as it dips down into the water the rolls around like a bird. The she runs to the perennials and rolls in the grass and dirt to dry off. DOGGIE DOOR FLAP IN PLACE!

Anika is finishing up her first year of college this week and coming home on Tuesday. Let the fighting over the king-size bed begin. She and Lizzy adore each other, but not when it comes to the bed territory. If it weren't for "Messy Jess" aka LIZZY, covering the bed with every piece of electronics and clothing and bags and shoes from her closet, it would be big enough to sleep all four of the girls, so I don't know what they are arguing about. But they will have to fight it out. Anika has landed a great nanny job for the summer which may even bring her to Canada and other places of travel. Woohoo. Also, Jolene is coming in July, so we have some rearranging of bedrooms to do before then.

Finally, the artwork has been hung!! HOORAY!!! Its a major accomplishment. We purchased several pieces at the auction on our cruise to Bermuda last year, but it took forever to get them up on the wall. I was able to get one up in the bathroom once that reno was done.  (Its actually my favorite one). But then we had to paint the family room with an accent wall before hanging the others. I like the one orange wall against the paintings. Its pretty cool. We just need to get the other three walls in the room changed from the light green to a cream-white. That wasn't all though. There were three more paintings that needed to be hung.  We put them up in the kitchen, in place of our wonderful, but 5 years outdated, family pictures. I will say, the kitchen walls REALLY need painting. Once all of that happens I will be happy. Nah. I'm happy anyway. But you know what I mean.

P.S. Lots of prayers are being made for baby Beckham who has had his second successful open heart surgery since his early birth in December. He has a journey ahead of him yet, but its been a beautiful story so far. I'm also praying for a friend who has had a recent and unexpected loss which is very sad, but I believe God will bring joy in the morning. And in addition, another dear friend, Melanie, would love prayer for her father, John, who was just diagnosed this week with stage 4 liver cancer. We believe it can be beat. Nothing is impossible with God!! For all you prayer warriors, please lift these requests to the Lord.

Ahhh Theatre! AGHHHH!

Why do I love it?

Why do I hate it?

Am I going through the post-show blues? I wasn't even the one on stage this time. What is wrong with me?

So this past Thursday and Friday my girls, Jennah and Lizzy, were in a show with two other girls, India and Jennah. The entire cast was made up of just the four of them. It was called A Night on Broadway: a musical review (which I know should be "REVUE" but the director made the posters and the program, etc. so I went with her spelling). It was our high school's first musical production, at least as far back as we know of. The school is 100 years old, so it could have had a musical production at some point along the way--dear God, I hope so. But anyway, my girls were a part of the ground breaking event which brought a musical production to the stage (which in fact, doubles as a work-out space) in this present decade. Even Caleigh was a vital part of the show. She was the lighting tech. Yup! As a fifth grader, she ran the light board for all three performances, And I was a big part of it as well as the accompanist for rehearsals and for the show.

Paula and I had been planning to get something kicked off at Bridgehampton for the last couple of years. She had been trying for even longer. We had talked about it many times. Paula is the one who directs the middle and high school shows for the school in the next town over. She is the pushy one. ;-) I didn't feel completely sure about how much energy I could exert for the project, but I was willing to follow her lead. The chorus teacher was especially key in having everything go forward.  We all did our part to make it happen. And guess what! The production got off the ground, and it actually happened. It REALLY happened!! YAAAAAY! A dream come true. And IT WAS VERY GOOD!!!

OK. Let me give you the run down of what they sang:

Untitled Opening Number... [Title of Show] -- Company
There's No Business Like Show Business... Annie Get Your Gun -- India Hemby
Sing!... A Chorus Line -- Laura Uribe and Lizzy Hochstedler
At the Ballet... A Chorus Line -- Company
Popular... Wicked -- Jennah Hochstedler
What is this Feeling... Wicked--Jennah Hochstedler and India Hemby
Anything You Can Do... Annie Get Your Gun -- Lizzy and Jennah Hochstedler
Memory... Cats -- India Hemby
Till There Was You... The Music Man -- Lizzy Hochstedler
Matchmaker... Fiddler on the Roof -- India, Jennah and Lizzy
Seasons of Love... Rent -- Company
Finale... [Title of Show] -- Company 

There was singing and also dancing. Lovely dancing. Ballet dancing, even. And great acting. The script was original, written by Paula, which connected the songs in a cohesive story line, about the 4 girls trying to put on a show for the first time at their school. Clever right?!

Anyway, it went very well. It was really really good and I'm not just saying that. I'm actually a rather critical judge of performances, especially my own. But this was one to make me proud. And everyone who saw it LOVED IT! Such rave responses.

So. what's the matter with me? Well, I'll tell you. I was the one who went to town promoting the show, trying to get people to come out, before I really knew if it would be good or not. (That's showbiz). And  it was a decent turn out for sure--for Bridgehampton. And it only cost $5, so anyone could come. Even those who didn't have money, because they weren't turned away at the door. But there were several people who just didn't make the effort to come. The ones who could have, but they just didn't. I had quite a few come up to me today at church and apologize that they didn't make it, but they just didn't...  come. One actually said that she didn't have any money, along with several more excuses that made it all seem a bit like excuses. These were people who said they were going to "try" to come. I had another dear friend tell me she didn't come because the event on facebook I had posted said that the beginning time was 7 and end time was 10. She thought it was going to be 3 hours long and she wasn't about to sit through three hours. AGH! I asked why she didn't call me to find out if that was a mistake, because 3 hours would not have been reasonable. (It was ONE HOUR LONG--only one). None of the extended family bothered to come. Several of the friends from other schools said they were coming and didn't. Many of the Bridgehampton teachers, which I would have expected to make a special effort, didn't. And only one of the youth group kids came. I mean... come on!!!! These are your good friends, your favorite and top students, your family. What the heck?

I have been trying and trying not to let it bother me. But I am bothered. Mostly, because those who didn't come, really really missed it. This one was one to be seen, and they missed it, and they won't get another chance to see it. And these girls are young and they were AWESOME. And now those individuals won't get the chance to show their support, because it just wasn't important enough to them.

Now I've said it. Now its done. And now (hopefully) I can move on. I will try to always be mindful to be that supportive person--to my family and friends as much as I can, because I know how meaningful it is. And I hate when I just don't follow through with my good intentions, based on being unmotivated at the moment. Today, I followed through and saw my friends in their performance of Peter Pan. And I was glad I did. I didn't feel like going on a Sunday afternoon. But I just got out the door and made the effort anyway.  I spent the $25. And they were great.

Enough said. Enough said. I'll try to be forgiving and full of grace and not be annoyed about the particular people who I thought should have wanted to be there, but decided it wasn't important enough to support the girls in their big debut. (I'm not talking about those who COULDN'T be there in case you are reading this). I'm trying not to be judgmental. Its none of my business what other people have to do and not do.

Yes. I must let it go.

I can't wait to get the DVD next week. I didn't get to ever really watch them perform their songs, because I was playing the piano.

Honey Do List: only its for me more than Honey

I'd rather give myself a lobotomy than to do some of these things.

I'm still going through pictures stored on my computer, putting the "keepers" on discs so I can remove them from the mac, and trashing the extras. I've taken so many, many pics of other people's children!!! Their parents have received them, they've gone in the yearbooks, some have gone in the newspaper, etc., so why do I still have these images from 3 and 4 (and 5) years ago. Bye bye.

Oh, and also... last year I got about halfway through my 2007 blog posts--making a keepsake book out of them--and "kind of" gave up. I stopped working on it right at the part when our pool was being built in the backyard. It was such an exciting time. I do plan to go back and finish the book at some point. I am also determined to delete all those posts from 2006 and 2007. That way I can start posting with pictures again. Who knew that deleting those earlier posts would take a bit of letting go? My keepsake books do not come complete with every post, or every picture, or any of the comments from my readers. [GASP] LOBOTOMY!!

I miss blogging with images. I miss taking pictures. But I suppose I'm holding off on the picture-taking at least until I finish these organizational projects. I'm making room for the new. LOBOTOMY?

There is a huge pile of household items sitting in my family/living room in which a moving company will be coming to pack up and move (for a client). Once that happens, I'm hoping to have the other three walls in the room painted a nice, soft, light color to offset the bold orange accent wall that we had painted a few weeks ago. Once that happens, we will finally hang the artwork that has been waiting to go on the walls. And once I've taken care of my computer filing projects, I will take some photos and post them. See how everything that needs to be done relies on the other things being done first? Vicious cycle.  LOBOTOMY!!

More like... random.

Oh, did I mention that I REALLY need to organize my music--Seriously!! MAJOR NEED FOR LOBOTOMY!!!!

The Adventures of Karenkool

I have not had much time to blog this month. Did you miss me? Yea, I thought so. Hahaha.

So many opportunities have come along for me lately, which have been really inspiring for my creative side. I'm sure I've mentioned before, how I've grown up with this attitude of downplaying my accomplishments; acting like my performances and what not are just a normal everyday thing and no big deal. There are many reasons for that, but it probably all goes back to my former "people pleaser" tendencies. I would downplay things I really needed to be cheered for because I didn't want people not to like me for shining too brightly. But really, I have a personality the needs to be applauded and encouraged and told when I've done something good or pleasing. Its just how I was wired.

You can definitely say I've never really been a prima dona--a diva. Divas wouldn't care less who likes them or not. They are all about being the "biggest thing going" for miles around. But I'm the opposite. I'm usually concerned that everyone around me feels special and comfortable and paid attention, too. However, I do also like to be in the center of the action helping to create the fun. I do like getting the credit for something I've done. Its really hard for me when someone else gets praised for something I was responsible for, but I wouldn't usually say anything. Its a fine balancing act.

Anyway... are you wondering what I've been doing? Over the past couple months, in addition to my regular work from the home, I was accompanying for an 8-week vocal class for young teens. It really wasn't a big deal. I wasn't leading the class and didn't have much opportunity for input, because the teacher was in charge and knew what she wanted. I don't think she noticed whether I had any real talent, until the performance. She was rather impressed with my musicality and skill at the piano (and I know this because she told me--about the musicality part, not that she didn't notice anything before). Anyway, she asked if I would be able to teach a musical theater class over the spring break because she couldn't do it this year. And yes, I would be able and that's what I did all this last week.

The class was for 8-12 yr olds and I co-taught it with a personal friend, who had already taught the camp several times. I followed her lead and added my expertise to the picture as I saw where I had things to contribute. We had great fun together. She lead most of the theater games. I had a few games that went over ok, but not really. They were meant for developing skills more, but I guess would have worked for the older age group. We mostly had the younger end. Anyway, we had a nice balance going between us. I was "music" and "keeping order", she was "dance" and "hug magnet". We shared the other stuff. And I was really excited about writing the script. On the first day, we took down stories from the kids about friendship and also found out what talents they may want to share and I went home and incorporated all of it into a show. Bethany helped edit lines and other details. I was feeling pretty good about what I was able to develop in one night. It left us only 4 days to teach the kids. The performance was also on the 4th day. And you know what? They did it. They pulled it off and it was awesome. We had a company number at the beginning, a company dance at the end and several scenes that all connected with poetry, and musical or dance talents... and voila. I also made programs for the show and awards for us to give to each of the kids. My co-teacher had karaoke songs for the pop stuff, taught the dancing and staged the company numbers while I accompanied on the piano. She picked up cupcakes and well... we rocked it!! The parents LOVED it. The kids LOVED it. The person who hired me for the camp (who also had a child in the camp) LOVED it. So, I'm sharing with you my sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Thank you. Thank you very much. :-)

I have felt really good lately about some other things, too. I've done a few deep cleaning projects in the house where no one else has really noticed, but its made me happy. My cooking has been really good since my husband realized that I needed to also be recognized as a cook in the home, not just him. And my kids have been so complimentary, which is nice. I had two short days to prepare a very difficult song from Handel's Messiah for the Easter service. I had never sung the solo before so it was a risk, but they loved it. Next time I would definitely want to work for a few weeks on it to feel completely satisfied. But I was happy that I leaped over the edge on that one, rather than staying in my comfy place.

I was a little grumpy yesterday, which may have had a little to do with finding the puppy laying on the kitchen table when I got home from church and seeing my house in a disastrous mess when we had people coming over for Easter dinner. (That's what a week away from the home will do). But mostly I have been happy and feeling good. I've come out of the slump--weeks of depression--which was no fun at all. And I thank you, Jesus, for rescuing me and using others to throw me a lifeline. I need people, and I need to feel the love of God through those around me, too. How about you?