Still Feelin' Crappy

Life goes on. I try to fake it until I make it.

Lil said it's probably my need for some good ol' fashion sunshine... so I've just opened my shades and now I can't see the computer screen, and the bright sun is hurting my eyes... but I'm keeping them open. The sun feels good.

I went for a 1.5 hour walk yesterday which was great, but came down with sniffles and all kinds of sinus pressure and a headache. Blech! And tonight's a big night.

I haven't been able to tackle the clean-up of our "second dusting" of the house. The family can all hit that together over the weekend (pipe dream). I think Terry highered some peeps for construction clean up for Monday. We'll make sure to leave plenty for them to do.

[pausing]

Hmmmm... Aah-HAH!

I was just sitting here thinking... listening to the wind outside (because it's been windy a lot these daze)... I think I may have gotten caught in that shame spiral that used to be all too familiar with me. That's what has gotten me down! I've been writing and writing and thinking and praying... trying to understand what my deal is. Yup!

Something got triggered in me a few weeks ago and suddenly I've been walking around feeling ashamed about everything I do, as if its all wrong and I can do nothing right. As if I'm one big JOKE and nothing I do offers any value. It's been so long since I've had this struggle that I couldn't even recognize it for what it was.

I can say this, shame robs me of my confidence and my ability to move forward. It makes me overly self-aware and severely critical. Angry. Down-hearted. I can add into that some self-hatred and a hefty dose of approval-seeking. It's ugly and it feels terrible and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel ashamed. Shame is a heavy weight to bear/bare (?), and in my early years through adulthood I have easily allowed myself to be affected by it. It's personal. It's the part of my journey that has tripped me up many times along the way, but I've learned and grown and have been victorious in shedding myself from the bondage of shame--actually it's been God who has freed me!! But sometimes, I fall back and need a refresher course.

So, here you are, witnessing the lightbulb going on/off (?) in my head. I'm glad to have had this time. Thanks again for your help. It may take a little time to weed through my thoughts on this, and to reconstruct from the damage of the mental and emotional sabotage happening within. Time is not something I have a lot of today, but this is why blogging is so helpful for me. And maybe those of you who can relate to the shame spiral can gleen something helpful from reading this today.

If nothing else, ya gotta love the woopie cushion costume.

Who's Coming to the Barn Dance?

These kids and their teachers have been amazing, the way they have worked so hard to put this event together. I can hardly wait until Friday. The PTO has been amazing too. So many people have labored on different areas to make it all happen. So clean off yer spurs, spit-shine yer boots, dust off yer hat and come out to an old-fashioned Country Barn Dance. Heeee Hawwww!

There Has Been a Glitch

The Patchwork wallcover is gone. The room is painted a lovely shade of sage and looks great. The furniture and a majority of the items have been put back in place. The dust has been cleaned up (as much as possible)... BUT NO!!!!! NOOOOOO!!! Something happened with the tape on the ceiling. It bubbled and must now be retaped and spackled and sanded and spackled and sanded and repainted!!! NOOOOOO!!! As I type this, there are more huge clouds of spackle dust floating through all the hallways and on into the kitchen, and resting on every bit of everything in the house. Oops. I failed to take down the pictures that were returned to their rightful places. The computer didn't get tucked away behind a cabinet door. Not everything has been covered like the first go 'round. DANG!

STORY OF MY LIFE!!

How long have I been blogging on Kool Daze? Since June 2006. Before that I was blogging on Myspace for at least a year. But I found that the majority of myspacers didn't really like to read... that's why my newfound territory, where I could write my day-to-day stories with a network of other's who were also writing their stories, really satisfied something deeper within me. I've enjoyed my journey together with my blogger friends. I posted daily, faithfully for quite a while. I even went through some really difficult things while blogging, and put a lot of stuff out there for my readers, and you guys (if you're even still reading Kool Daze) helped me through some great challenges along the way. Thank you.

Being that this is a public space, there were many details I wouldn't share, but one thing I've usually been straight about is how I felt/feel about things and what my opinions were/are. It's been good for me and many of you have communicated how it's helped you too.

Sometime last year, I began to shut down as a blogger and writer. Word got out around town about this space I use--here on Blogger--and suddenly, unsuspectedly a bullseye was placed on my back--and also my forehead. Locally, the political arena got stirred up and because I was running for the BOE I began to get a lot of local hits on Kool Daze and I figured I was headed for trouble. People tend to play dirty when it comes to politics.

One time I wrote about a really hilarious time I had with some friends at a party where we laughed until we cried--and then I got SLAMMED by an anonymous commenter who obviously knew me somewhat, and made some really low-down accusations about my kids and my parenting and social life... and after what I had just gone through with a personal situation at home, I felt sucker punched and kicked in the gut. It was obviously what the person meant to do. Then it happened again on my CoDA blog. More accusations and slams on my personhood. It had to have been the same anonymous person, based on what was said, but I couldn't quite figure out who that was. Then I had written a humorous and sarcastic piece about a gospel concert I was a part of, which was immediately emailed around (probably by this same vicious person) to several random, non-blog-readers in order to hurt my credibility with that particular church group. I took the post down immediately and apologized for being careless (even though it was one of the "funnier" writings I had produced). It was honest, but not sugar-coated and I was not out to be mean to anyone... just giving my own funny rendition of the event.

Since those episodes, I have made my blog more private (even going to the extent of making it invitation only--for about a day). I've posted less, lost readers who've grown bored, been more aware that there are locals who read my stuff and are looking for ammunition to use against me--and they do use it! Don't people have better things to do then try to take me out??? I'm not a bad person.

I understand about the internet. I know how DANGEROUS it can be. Things have come back to bite me in the rear from what I've "put out there". I get it! But this is who I am. I've always been a person who stirs the pot. It's just how I'm wired. I've also always been the type to lay my cards out on the table. I'm upfront and honest and I tell it like I see it--knowing! that there are many other ways to view things... but this is my view. I also remain fully open to the idea that I MAY EVEN CHANGE the way I view things as I continue to walk my journey. I like to share ideas even when they are differing positions. I don't, however, enjoy when people get their pants all up in a bunch and become defensive with me, as if I'm looking for a fight.

All that to say this... Kool Daze is my own personal territory. It is where I can share my thoughts and ideas and humorous ditties with people who care to read about them and comment (or not). Some people happen to think my honesty is refreshing... and challenging. But I'm still not sure if I want to put myself out there anymore. I need some prayers, because I do feel beaten down.

We shouldn't take ourselves so seriously! <--I wish I could just go on my happy-go-lucky way.

Some daze are easier than others.

Hola Senorita. me llamo Mike!

I figured it out

I know I look R E A L L Y G O O D here... but I figured out why I don't "really" look THAT great in a hat! It's because I have no visable eyebrows... and I'm too lazy to wear make-up. Well, I'm not exactly lazy... I just don't have time for that kind of stuff.

So, now that we've established that I have no eyebrows to speak of... what's with the mustache?

Below is a video... it's mainly of Anika in the beginning. She's in the red, gray and white coat. But if you look closely, you can also see me in the distance heading toward a jump. I had no speed and was planning to just make it to the top of the pitch and glide over... but I didn't make it and ended up going backwards back down the slope into a heap. It was all in good fun (although my cell phone put a mongo bruise on my hip). Next you'll see Nico in the tan coat and then Nate sitting there with the astronaut googles. Next is Luke in the blue checkered pants and then you'll see a bunch of snow (you may get motion sick from watching) and finally, you'll kind of see a few of them taking the jumps. Terry was filming. The clip is nothing great. Just a glimpse of our good times.

I have bragging rights--although no one got it on film.

BJ and I took advantage of the race course for much of the second day. There was an announcer at the top at the starting gate, which triggered the timer for each racer, and there was a camera finish at the end to give proper run times. Well! T and I raced 5 times against each other and I beat him 4 out of 5. YESSSSS!! He even waxed his skis. He then went down alone and beat all of our times... so he has bragging rights for that. And I also raced Mike twice. He beat me fair and square the first time, and the second time by a mere .02 of a second, but was disqualified for going through my finish flags. HAHHAA. SO I WON!! I think he was trying to take me out at the finish! But I'm too swift.

As you can tell... we're not very competitive.

When I got home from the retreat, Nicki brought over an amazing cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory!!! YUM! and today one of the youth members, Samantha, brought over dinner. You GUYS ROCK!!!

Can I Blog Now?

I've been away with the youth group on a ski retreat. It was amazing!! We had a fantastic time. The kids were great fun. They were receptive and adventurous and nice to one another (which is always a plus when dealing with teens). Terry did an amazing job of putting the whole trip together. AMAZING!! I can say that most of the kids walked away with some new depth to their spiritual walks and some important things to think about.

The food was good, and the big boyz made sure to pay lots of attention to the younger boyz.

Mike not only provided an incredible gourmet meal for the fundraiser a few weeks back, but he did a fine job driving our bus, and he also shared his testimony--one that was very emotionally stirring and hugely impacting. It was about his early teen years living as a runaway on the streets and how God grabbed a hold of him. He has a book coming out in a month. I'll be sure to promote it here once it's ready to go.

While Terry and I were away, (voluntarily i.e. without pay) doing all this "youth stuff" which for me included driving the suburban behind the bus, doing two daze of hardcore skiing, teaching others how to ski, providing food, shelter, activities, advisement, and spiritual food for 30+ people for 3.5 days, etc, we had guys back at our house painting the family room (remember that patchwork wall covering??). We chose the sage color by the way and it looks fantastic! The painters also painted the bookshelf, the new slider door, the ceiling down the hall and on into the kitchen, as well as up the stairway and to the landing. Needless to say, there will be spackle dust in every nook and cranny until kingdom come. It was a BIG MESS to come home to. BLAH.

Yeah... about coming home... it just so happens that we have several youth group members who are also on the basketball team and cheerleading squad. A few months go, it didn't look like the basketball team was definitely going to make the playoffs. But as the season progressed, they started pulling out the "W" and ended up as co-champions along with Greenport. Greenport is second in state. They are pretty together as a team and have been for the past few years, whereas our team has been in the process of rebuilding. (But watch out next year)!

Anyway, playoffs just so happened to be during the vacation week, when we had our youth retreat scheduled. This meant that the four basketball players and three cheerleaders going on the retreat would need to return early for Friday's game or not go on the retreat at all. Since the retreat ended on Friday, and the drive was about 6 hours, and the kids decided to stick with the trip, this meant I was going to pile at least six of the seven into the suburban at 4:30 am to get them to the school on time where the game was being held. It was a drive from hell.

We packed the car the night before. Everyone jumped in at 4:30 am and fell right back to sleep while I drove through one of the sloppiest snow storms ever. First of all, (Nicki--don't even read this) there were no visable lines on the road for the first hour. Cars were every where in every lane, and one truck even spun off the road and into the woods only two cars ahead of me. My eyes were bugging for the whole drive. Not only did I have severe weather to contend with, I had no navigator to help with directions, I was exhausted from two days of skiing, and the kicker... I had five highway changes in a matter of 4 hours time. I-93 to I-495 to I-90 to I whatever to whatever whatever!!! It couldn't be easy could it? But after an hour the weather cleared. The highways cleared. Things looked like they were imporving, only to give way to the sunrise--which blinded me from the side!!! Not to mention work traffic. And when we got on the ferry to cross the L.I. Sound, there were 40 mph winds causing everyone to feel seasick for the next hour. Just when I remember to lay down and rest my aching eyes, we were coming into port. Oh well.

So, we made it safely to the game and plenty of time. YAY! I felt like I really sacrificed a lot just to make sure the boys and girls made it. And there were no broken bones or accidents and they had their uniforms coming with the bus. We did it! It was a good thing, too, because I had two of the starting players (one being the teams MVP). Someone A MOB would have strung me up if I didn't get them there safely. But was that good enough??? NO!!! Of course it wasn't!!! Some people felt that the kids should have been more committed to the game... and skipped the retreat. Yea... seriously!!! Why should kids need to get away for some spiritual maintenance and encouragement?? That's just stupid!! They SHOULD BE MORE COMMITTED TO THE GAME!!! It shouldn't matter that they probably couldn't have won against Greenport even if they played their best game of the year. I'm just sayin'.

People were actually mad at me (after all I did to get them there) and at "us" for taking the kids away during a vacation week... because we kept them from their "focus on the game". S-O-R-R-Y!!!! But I tend to believe that these kids have spiritual needs too, and when sports or jobs are in the picture there is never a good time for spiritual renewal or spiritual beginnings. If they get the opportunity, they should take it. But it felt like because the Killer Bees got beat by 50 points (which was how Greenport beat them in the other two games of regular season) it somehow got to be our fault for taking them away from their final two practices before the game. Yahh!

Whatever! I seem to find my way onto people's sh*t lists quite a lot these daze!

I'm just a little pissed, because... the PROFOUND disappointment that the boyz got to feel, hear and see from those they aimed to please during this playoff game, has pretty much robbed them of the joys they had gained from going on the youth trip. Why are people sometimes so narrow in their thinking about young people? Everyone thinks they should write the kids' story for them, rather than allow them to discover their journey as it unfolds. These kids are a new generation and no one is going to live vicariously through them... not their youth leaders, not their parents, not their coaches or teachers or sweethearts... not happily anyway. We should always look to encourage them to DO BIG THINGS!

(we took away all the remotes from the hotel rooms--haha)

These Lights...

I can feel them sucking the juice right out of my eyeballs!!!!

It's not my favorite movie... but definitely my favorite scene from the movie!


And this is my second favorite!

IF I WERE TO EVER QUIT A JOB (like Joe's job) THIS would be how I'd want to go out!!! hahaha

Life

Can I just say that I am sooooo TIRED of taking pictures of students and school events and things indoors. I have lost any photography skills I may have gained from sheer practice. I'm disappointed with all my photos and utterly void of any creativity.

I took 55 pictures at the game, and the only ones I even remotely liked were these three. But still... BLAH! The lighting in the gym is not conducive to great shots with my camera--I love my camera, but there are limits.

I am looking forward to heading to the hills for a youth retreat this next week. We will be on the mountain. Maybe something will inspire me when we're there.

But enough of that.

Drama has come once again to the PTO. We are such a fine group that has a lot of fun, provides wonderful events for the kids all year long, laughs together and works well together. But there happens to be an individual who can't stand that... and can't stand us--or ME rather! And when she shows up to our meetings... "interesting" things happen. I guess some things have to get worse before they will ever get better. And this is possibly one of those scenarios. I think, at this point things have escalated to the point of "all the way worse", so maybe we will experience a swing back to recovery now... but one never knows! These things can't be predicted. Where is rock bottom?

Don't misunderstand... I'm not at rockbottom nor is the PTO. We are doing great!! It's really about this other person's rock bottom. I've been personally attacked AGAIN by her, and it's not the first time. She has personally attacked me earlier this year, maybe even more than I realize i.e. anonymous poster on my Coda blog. Anyway, I hope the attacker finds her own personal rock bottom so that there can be a change in her direction. For now... I need to find a way to let it go and move on with acceptance and forgiveness and assurance. These things take time.

And in the meantime, I can post whatever I feel like posting on my blog to help me move along.

Luke played his last regular season game. The mothers of the seniors all received a rose. Congratulations Luke. I am so glad you chose to play this year.

Drop it! DROOOOOP IT!!!

I seem to think that I want a puppy.

I must be crazy. BJ thinks I'm crazy.

My family always had dogs. As long as I was alive it was a lab and a poodle. ONe outdoor dog and one indoor. In all my growing up years, I can't remember any of the dogs ever successfully playing fetch. They would all go after a ball or toy or sock that was thrown, but they'd never want to bring it back and DROP IT! They'd want me to play chase and tug-o-war. Noah even does this. Well, tug-o-war's fun too. I guess...

I had my first real "test" since my post yesterday. No wait. It was actually... the second real test. I'm pretty sure I failed them both!! The test had something to do with allowing myself to be tender and full of God's love for others who may not be... easy to love... The first test was... ok. Maybe I didn't actually FAIL it. But the second one??? COME ON!!!! THAT WAS NOT A FAIR TEST!!!!! I was NOT prepared. Not softened enough!! And all I want to do right now is take a bat to someone's mailbox! (kidding).

Truth is, it's gonna take some time to soften up this heart of mine. And certain people require a huge amount of grace. In fact, I may need to go live in a monastary for a while before my capacity is expanded enough for the amount of grace this challenging individual requires.

I don't blame my dogs for they way they like to play. God knows I don't always feel like "dropping it"... just so that I can have another one thrown over my head to chase and bring back. I think I like to keep things close to home and playful and manageable--a little chase and a little tug-o-war and then a truce... that's how I like it. But some people don't want to play the game my way. And I really don't believe they want to play at all! They would like to throw that ball into oncoming traffic and hope for a fatal accident to happen. I'M NOT JOKING!

Well... homie don't play dat! So I'll just take my ball and go home now!

The Struggle

I've been on the surface for a while. I'm a social person and enjoy people of all types, but the peeps I tend to hang with the most are funny, witty people, rather than some of the other personality types. Truth be told, I have a tendency to make fun of those individuals who are just wound too tight. It's not something I'm proud of, but I just feel badly for those who take themselves too seriously. No, I like to have fun and create fun and laugh. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

I do, however, have another side. One that has depth; one that sometimes needs to dig beyond the surface of things... digging deep into those nagging thoughts and feelings I try to ignore. When I ignore things for too long, I become depressed. Yes, the time has come for me to sort through issues that have been bothering me. I need to figure out what God is trying to tell me. It's usually something about me... and about who He really is in my life. It's usually about heart changes.

There has been a struggle going on inside of me. I've not visited those deeper places for a while. I have created roadblocks of resistence to God. He's been asking to venture together into those places. And I've found distractions that would excuse myself from His request; in order to keep Him from working in me. I'm just being honest. Of course, He knows me so well, that he woos me and convinces me that I can trust Him. He assures me that He will bring me to a better place. I will become more of who I've been created to be.

So... this vulnerable post is what I chose to write rather than telling all about last night's game, and how exciting the game was... and how we won in a great competiton with a Rival team on the rival court...

...but how disappointed I was with what felt to me like utterly poor sportsmanship (not on the part of the bball team either) ...or how my ears literally hurt from the cheerleaders, who were as rude and loud as possible, cheering at full volume for the entire game, not because they were excited, NOT because they were enthusiastic about winning. Nope. It was all because they were "put-out" and offended by the opposing cheerleaders when asked to try not to do sideline cheers at the same time... saying it wasn't proper cheerleading etiquette. I basically said that I agreed that it was better not to do the cheers at the same times, when you can help it. Yea...I chose NOT to write about how terribly distracting it was to me as a fan... and how I wished that someone would've explained to our cheerleaders, that it's not about them! That they, as cheerleaders, are there for the players... and for the fans. They are there to encouraging the team as they play, not to pull attention away from the game. But that's a whole different topic... see how easily distracted I get?

Seriously though, I think my feelings about the game last night all tie in to my ongoing struggle... and it comes down to my philosophy about people, which I tend to get away from when I don't stay tender. As I walk with Christ and allow God full access to work in me, I suddenly have a greater love for people--one that does not come from me, it comes from above, and it overrides my own inability to love. It causes me to believe in people... well, I believe in the potential that lies within. I believe that God can break through into a person's heart. I'm not a hater, but sometimes being in the midst of those who think differently about these issues, rubs off and I get caught up, which actually feels really YUCKY on the inside!! It's just not who I am. And even when it comes to things like sports and kids... I just can't handle beating down other people whether they be opposing teammembers, fans, referees, or our own boyz (Yea, people are ruthless). I've never found it natural to assume the worst about anyone else. And I definitely don't believe that it's ok to disparage someone in order to get ahead.

But this is a difficult stand to uphold these daze--especially in the political arena!! OH LORD JESUS HELP ME!

So, I need God to take me on a journey and change my heart... and to give me direction for my future. I have to live the life I believe is true, no matter what other surrounding philosophies may be.

Some Things Never Change...

Things like...

my dresser always having piles of stuff on it...

my life always being busy as a volunteer...

the way I grow unsatified with my creative abilities once I sense that those dearest to me don't appreciate my talent... (what talent?)

the fact that everything always changes in my life...

growing a day older happens each and every day...

how I vacillate between having a healthy amount of self-confidence, knowing that I have a lot to offer, to having NO confidence, feeling as though I have nothing to offer...

the way I often put tons of time and energy into something, only in the end to feel underappreciated... or worse yet, JUDGED!

how a sense of panic hits me when a certain child of mine finds himself back in a funk...

there is a great need for patience--and a lot of it--when working with kids... especially when they are my own... or... when they are NOT my own (I'm not sure which requires more)...

my desire to "bail" whenever I get close to the day of a big event, one in which I'm helping to organize... but I never bail!

my need for encouragement, periodically... not for what I do, but just for who I am!

I'm Aspiring...

Tilly & the Wall on SESAME STREET from Team Love on Vimeo.

Beware When Testing Water Beds

Especially in Germany!

Caleigh's Camp Rock Party

First it's the homemade ice cream cake. Way to go BJ.
Whenever you find yourself at a loss for a great party game, rummage your way through the kitchen and bathroom cabinets and see what you can find. We played a rousing game of blow-the-Q-tip-through-the-straw-into-the-basket.

Being that Camp Rock was the theme of the party (because it was a clearance item listed with Oriental Trading Co. and Caleigh is all too familiar with Demi Levato and Joe Jonas based on having older sisters)...

We had to Rock Out with a little freeze dance...

FREEZE!
And I also had to teach them the theme song from the movie... This is Me
And then make them perform it! (hee)
Yea... they were totally into it.

Rule of thumb... always serve cake and candy just before the party ends!

My baby is a BIG GIRL now! Seven going on 15.

She just asked me today, "Mom, what age do you have to be to start wearing a training bra? You can start wearing them at 7 right?"

yeeeaaaa... NO!

BJ's Puzzle Rules

OK. So, Caleigh had her 7th birthday yesterday (Feb 2nd) and we had a little kid party on Sunday. What's today? Monday, no... wait, it's Wednesday--NO... um, it's definitely not Saturday or Friday! I think today is Tuesday. Right? Yah! That's about how it is for me right now. I've gone from taking cheerleading pictures (still need to get a few more of those taken)... to attending tap lessons... to the all-so-wonderful 5:00 AM departure for our annual PTO ski trip... to running a birthday party... to making and bringing cupcakes at school... to squeezing in the part-time job stuff... to doing more event planning... to making a birthday dinner... to doing picture editing... to going to play rehearsal... to... to... um... BLOGGING! But let's not forget BJ's favorite birthday gift he got for CALEIGH!!! It's a cheap ole 1000-piece puzzle (I say cheap because the freakin' pieces don't stay connected very well).

So, BJ opened up the puzzle on Sunday, after the party, and before the superbowl. He got Caleigh started on it. We've all been working on it a little here and a little there--although, I'm finding out that SOME OF US who are fully aware of their slight addiction to these things have been given certain RULES they are "required" to follow.
RULE #1
NO puzzle solving while others are at work or school

RULE #2
NO puzzle solving alone--IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR!

RULE #3
NO working on "the area(s)" that BJ has been working on (Wha??)

RULE #4
A certain member of the family must take care of everyone else's demands needs (yea right) before she takes a break to work on the puzzle

RULE #5
No matter how much a certain family member may have done during the day to take care of all the things needing attention, if she works on the puzzle at all, she is breaking rule #4

RULE #6
When previously said family member has not only made a special birthday dinner, but had to run off with the oldest daughter for play practice, ended up leading the music rehearsal unexpectedly, returned home around 9 pm hoping to relax after a brutal day, it doesn't mean that she gets to sit down and join BJ and Jennah on the puzzle, because someone needs to: get the younger kids to bed--some of whom have fallen asleep on the couch as the puzzlers work, pick up all their shoes and socks now that they've fallen asleep... as well as put their homework away in their backpacks, lest they forget it in the morning, clear off their bed which is covered with junk from the day (which means organize their closet because no spaces or hangers are anywhere to be found, hang jackets, put away birthday gifts and toys... etc. etc.) a mother's job is never done and pretty much thankless And then... maybe...

RULE #7
Once all of rule #6 is taken care of... a certain person can work on the puzzle--but only when it's dark and ones eyes hurt from the bad lighting and one is tired and cranky

RULE #8
The puzzling solving ends when BJ says it ends... when he's ready to go to bed

RULE #9
No bumping the table (because the pieces come apart when you do)

RULE #10
Oh yea... NO FARTING by the puzzle table


Gotta love the puzzle rules! I think someone is really jealous of my puzzle solving skills.