The Struggle is Real

There's a lot!!!

Today, I really felt like I was at the END of my game. I was very tempted to give up. Discouraged. Frustrated. Really, really mad and on the verge of angry tears at several points. Of course, I'm not going to give up--win or lose. I just don't renege on my commitments. I don't even want to renege, but there has been some real stress and discouragement.

There are a lot of things at play in my game. First off, which I probably shouldn't even mention, is that I'm turning 50 and hormones are whacky. Seriously though, everything has been at an even keel up until about last week. I mean, I've had a few rough times with my aging process over the last few years, but now... I think I may be in for some mirky waters ahead. And it pisses me off.  I don't want to have a year long battle, or even six months. I had six babies!! Give me a break, dear Jesus. I can deal with a few weeks or a month and be ok, but I'm just a little scared of what "crazy" I may have to endure. I'll be alright. Surely. People just need to be nice to me and try to be understanding... And give me hugs, because I probably need those more than I let on.

Since last week, apart from hormones, there have been hits to my heart.

• I've learned that one of my dear ones, who grew up with my kids, got into some trouble. Smashed up his car and all... and I don't know what to do or how to help. My heart hurts so much and I feel overwhelmed, because I just don't think I'm the one who can help. I have that tendency to always want to run to the aid of all those I care about, and yet, its not always me who can, or should. So, I really hurt when I feel helpless. I can pray. 
• There is also someone else who I had been reaching out to, who fell into some trouble and I also can't get in touch with. Oh my heart. The vice tightens.
• I had a personal issue come up that caused me to question a lot of things, mostly about myself. Then I questioned the person who caused the things to surface, and the thoughts went round and round in my head... over basically inconsequential things. It'll all work out in God's timing, so "Karen, just stop!"
• Also, there was someone very dear to me who found an opportunity, just the other day, to share a devastating story which took place in her younger years. The account struck me to the core. I'm so glad she was able to share it with me, but oh my heart!!!
• So, today my mom told me, that my dad, after having a biopsy on his elbow, had to have further biopsies done because the tests came back positive for melanoma. He will have surgery soon to remove everything they found, and now we are fervently praying and believing for complete health. This news probably hurts my heart the most. I may just have to take a trip to Florida once these two April shows are done.
• Lastly, the shows.... I guess I will mention my struggle with the two high school shows I'm doing. Basically, I feel like I am FAILING!!! I just can't seem to motivate the teens--and they are the ones I enjoy working with the most. So YEA! We had great success with the last show, but now, halfway into the next batch of rehearsals I feel like a total failure. Usually, at this point in the rehearsal routine, I am the optimistic one, giving positive vibes to the director and all those around. However, this is not how I feel today. Its me who needs a boost of confidence. I'm not sure if this lack of optimism is because of them or me, but something is off and I can't figure it out. I feel really down about it and at a complete loss. I need some encouragement!!!

I am going to press on and lighten up. Life happens. We go through joys and pains, highs and lows. We work really hard at things and we take time to rest (at least we should). Mostly, I want to enjoy the people I am with, but also those I love, who I can't be with regularly. 

But oh the emotional roller coaster and hormones makes me NOT want to be with people. Help Me!!

It's Just How I'm Wired

I know that people use that phrase as a "cop out" for their stupid behavior because they'd rather not better themselves but make excuses about being a poorly behaved human being. That isn't how or why I'm using the phrase. I do (almost) always want to better myself. I truly want to be a decent, kind, caring, godly person. There is a constant desire to repair my mistakes or at least find the root of a problem that causes me to fall and ask God to help me change. I know where my help comes from.

Let me say that this has been a weird and challenging stage in my life. I'm in a transition state--I'm between things which bring a lot of angst and joy and anxiety and excitement--so my focus on the spiritual things hasn't been completely fervent. But that's life. For me personally, things are always moving and shaking, which causes a lot of ideas and emotions to swing back and forth in the journey. I've learned to just keep walking through the stormy times and it will right itself. The path will be made clear once again. I just have to keep myself from giving up and laying down in a mud puddle of misery or frustration.

Many events over the past several daze were stressing me out, not necessarily bad stress, just stress. But now that they have happened it feels good to have them out of the way.  Here are a photos from a few of the events.

BANQUET

Liz went to her boyfriend's senior banquet. We parents who were taking lots of pics all piled into the RV with them to drop them off at their destination (which was clever and hilarious and inexpensive). I enjoyed being a part of that and taking over 600 pictures--have mercy!

The parents--taking a cheesy prom pic. Sohailah stepped in for Terry who was unable to come along.

Here they are... The DREAM TEAM!! Too much fun.

GRADUATION

My FIFTH child of six graduated from high school. She was definitely the happiest graduate on stage and so excited to be done with the high school life.

This was her celebratory chicken dance to get her diploma. haha Love this girl.

We all made it to the graduation (including one set of grandparents and my college roommate). Not only is that a feat in itself with a family of 8 but the fact that graduation happens at the end of June when the Hamptons come alive, means its difficult for them to get a weekend day off from work. So cheers to everyone for making it out to celebrate with our Lizzy and Michael.

My boyz! Birthdays are big this year.  Terry just received his AARP card in the mail--50!!! and Luke should see a reduction in is car insurance rates starting today--25!!!! Woohoo discounts all around. Happy birthday!!

Our Michael also graduated and was the second happiest on stage immediately after Liz. haha. Michael lives with us as part of our family. We love him dearly.

His other family loves him dearly, too. We are all so proud of our graduates.

It was bedlam after the ceremony, trying to get all the pictures I wanted, but as usual, we were the last to leave the school grounds.

Next up, party at the Hochstedler's, only a few daze away. I have to keep taking deep breaths and not letting myself feel panicked about it. Really?! Who cares if things aren't perfect--its a freakin pool party that's going to have great food and good times together!!! The work overwhelms me a bit and we've been so busy all spring that its been difficult to have any time to get our back yard looking decent. I'm not even aiming for perfect... just decent.

PARTING THOUGHTS 
...on another note, cuz its still bothering me

I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt, hoping to receive the same in turn.  I teach my kids to try to do this also, but share with them that there may come a time in life when its wise to avoid pa person who is not safe to have in your life. I aim to be a safe person for other people to have in their life, but that can't always be the case, so c'est ce que c'est. There are seasons. When I need a break from a person (which doesn't happen often), I don't expect anyone else to jump on my bandwagon. I think that is just dumb. Its been the struggle for a few of my 6 kids who have all gone to this teeny tiny K-12 public school in Bridgehampton, but boy isn't that the worst part about high school drama? The person who feels they need to get everyone to jump on with their offense, so that the one person really feels punished. Talk about bullying. I'm not a fan.

My 4 older kids who have gone on into their adult lives encourage the younger two that college life and beyond is sooooo much better. And it really is. However, truth be told, that nonsense can still happen anywhere at any time. Adults can purposely or inadvertently ostracize a youth, a friend or co-worker, etc. I'm not even above it, regardless of how much I hate the scenario. Its something to watch for in myself for sure. Maybe we all should watch for it. This has come at me from so many directions lately but I think I just need better sleep.

THE END

Epilogue: Here's my bestie, Sohailah, roomie from college daze. I was so happy to have her around this whole past week. She knows me and gets it when I'm stressed. And sees when I'm pained about something and is a genuine support to me. I appreciate her immensely.

Crazy Daze Approaching

This girl is graduating Valedictorian! Graduation is not until June 29th. The day going to take forever to get here. Jennah has already taken all her AP exams of which comprised the majority of her classes this year. The concerts are done, and there's very little reason left to go to school. To watch movies all day. AGH. Except for gym. You can't miss gym class or you'll fail. Can you imagine?

So there are upcoming luncheons for Valedictorian and also for scholarship awards. There is a senior cruise coming up to the Bahamas. The Teeny Awards is also coming. Jennah was nominated for best actress in a musical. Also, the Snoopy cast was nominated for outstanding ensemble. So that's exciting. We have a graduation party to plan. Two birthdays coming up, a trip to Alaska, two summer weddings and one in the fall, a send off 1500 miles away for this girls first year in college.

This next girl doesn't know how she's going to survive the remaining two years of her high school career without her sister. Lizzy's going to find herself maturing quite a bit this coming year. So will Caleigh, I'm sure.

She's been an expert learning driver. She claims its from all the practice she got driving the DeGroot's golf cart for the last several years. She may be right. That still doesn't make me feel totally carefree about driving in the Hamptons as our big summer season approaches.  

From Memorial Day to Labor Day it becomes CRAY CRAY around here. We have NYC drivers flooding out to their vacation homes, making all kinds of demands on the locals who work for them on their estates. It has to be PERFECT!!! And the driving becomes mad! Its as if these summer folks are still on the city streets. Or maybe its more about them finally getting a chance to drive their fancy cars and zoom around on these small backroads. "Oh! Is that a 4-way stop? I will just go ahead with this car in front of me to save some time, rather than make another complete stop." And the locals go a bit bazurk because of the complete idiot driving that takes place... which in turn makes a lot of the locals the idiots as well.

And then we have the gazillion workers who are undocumented and non-licensed, who are driving around, not necessarily cognizant of the rules of the road...

Well, things like this happen!

Nate is bummed about his new car!! One of those kind of workers I talked about, blew the stop sign and took a left turn into traffic coming from both directions. Nate tried to stop and veer to the right but the other truck couldn't avoid hitting the idiot driver right and pushed it right into Nate's car. Thankfully he is ok. The car is a goner.

So, prayers are needed for the two girls with their learner's permits in this kind of traffic chaos... and prayers for my new Cady, too. LOL.

Anika's on her drive home from FL. The house will be full again by Saturday. There is some shifting around in our house that needs to take place in order to make room. Its a treat to have my kids still all so close to home for the summer. The house is a wreck and needs a super cleaning. (Whatever). They are all working which makes it tough to get them to remember to pick up their own belongings from the common spaces. But I'll take that annoyance, if it means getting to have this valuable time with them. I hope during this season in their impressionable adult lives that Terry and I can continue to impress God's love on them and His ways. The strong worldly current of our society has a strong pull. We are counting on the kids' roots to have grown deep.

Besides that...

The Spring Concert was fabulous. The music program and drama program in Bridgehampton are really beginning to take off. Its been very satisfying to be a part of it and to see my children lead the way in part, with their love for the arts and amazing talents. May it continue for many years. The school's music program is going to miss the six graduating seniors.

P.S. Yes, there are only SIX seniors in Jennah's class!

It Was All So Very Exciting

So only 3 weeks after Christmas my 5th child (Lizzy) has a birthday. Two weeks later, my 6th child (Caleigh) has a birthday. And then, two weeks after that my 2nd child (Nate) has one also. So, where most people get a lull in their schedules over the winter months, ours is full... and somewhat stressful.

Lizzy turned 16 this past week. She's a child who doesn't ever demand anything, really, but... ASKS for everything. I told her she has a gift! Its become apparent that people WANT to give her the things she asks for. I don't know why. The night before she turned 16, her two besties "surprise decorated" her bedroom while her sister took her out shopping as a distraction.

Then they gave her a Michael Kor watch $$$ and brought her over to a friends to make sure they all celebrated her birth, once it was midnight.

The next day she had her besties hanging with her all day long and later, got to have her birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant together with them (and me).

This was a good plan, because while we were eating out, her other friends were gathering at our house to surprise her when we got home. Poor Terry was sicker than a dog, so he stayed in the bedroom mostly.

She was very surprised and delighted to be loved and cheered. The friends stuck around for a while, had ice cream cake, gave her the big time spanking machine and then went home because it was a school night.

The next day I was picking Lizzy and Caleigh up early from school to go into the city to see Wicked for their birthdays... only... a BIG snowstorm was forecast (8-12" with blizzard conditions). I went through all the scenarios for several hours throughout the morning as the snow began to fall about 2 hours earlier than predicted. Ayi yi yi. Here's how it went on FB. (Idea stolen from Just Mom's blog).

January 20 Karen Taking the birthday girls to see Wicked tomorrow. Hoping the "impending doom" won't ruin our plans. 

January 21 Karen First I will take emergenC to to boost the immune system. Then some quiet time and reading. Next a shower and off to work before lunch. (And snow). Then it's kids pickup and heading to NYC to see Wicked. Maybe we will make it home tonight or maybe not.   

January 21 Karen So far I've already vered greatly from the said plan.

January 21 at 2:41pm Karen It went more like this... drank cup of water, took down bday decorations downstairs, took down decorations upstairs, switched over laundry, gather 4 more loads of laundry from Lizzy's room, vacuumed all the confetti from the entire house (confetti is of the devil!!), had a cup of emergenC, bowl of cereal, cup of coffee, quiet time and reading, more laundry, walked the dogs, did a little office work (very little), post office, school pick up, and then decided to take the train and get a hotel. Will we arrive to the Gershwin theater in time??? Ayi yi yi.

January 21 Karen It's snowing.

                 

January 21 at 1:58pm Karen I think we've added another person to our count. She wants the adventure.
January 21 at 2:21pm · Karen Jennah is coming too. woohoo
January 21 Karen New plan. We're taking the train and staying overnight in a hotel. Say a prayer. This had better be the best performance evah!             

January 21 at 2:33pm Joan Great idea, I was thinking about you driving to NYC today on my treacherous drive to Springs.January 21 at 2:36pm Karen I hope we make it in time. 

January 21 Karen We are on the train. 

January 21 Karen The conductor just announced a delay due to equipment trouble. Agh

January 21 Karen Oh Jesus please. We don't have time for delays. 

Karen Moving again. This is stressful. 
Paula You have 3hours ...right? Curtain at8.
January 21 at 5:01pm · Like
Karen  Curtain at 7 waaaahhhh
January 21 at 5:02pm · Like
Karen This happened to us before when going to see Miranda. Her show was only an hour and we missed the first 20 minutes because of train delaysJanuary 21 at 5:03pm · Like
Paula You are still in okay shape....it will be great...and you'll have a fun story!
January 21 at 5:04pm · Unlike · 1
Paula I wrote that before I knew you missed 20min...
January 21 at 5:04pm · Like
Karen At least wicked is 2hr20m!!
January 21 at 5:09pm · Like · 1
Melanie  Hopefully they still show it.
January 21 at 5:15pm · Like
Karen  The show must go on but I wouldn't mind if they held the curtain for us.
January 21 at 5:22pm · Like 

Paula Are uou there yet???
January 21 at 6:46pm · Like
Todd There will be singing, dancing, jazz hands...you'll catch up. Have fun!
January 21 at 6:47pm · Unlike · 2

Karen  We are late. Only at Jamaica
January 21 at 7:01pm · Like
Sohailah Oh Karen. Blech.
January 21 at 7:05pm · Like
Paula  Oh dear...

January 21 at 7:10pm · Like 

Karen  Not even at penn station yet
January 21 at 7:02pm · Like
PatriciaOh man!
January 21 at 7:39pm · Like  

January 22  Karen So we had a lovely 4 hour train ride to the city. Many mechanical problems took place to get us to Penn station an hour late. Missed the show but our tix will be honored for another date. We ate dinner at Rice and Beans on 9th Ave and 51st. It was amazing!!! Staying the night in a pricey hotel.

January 22 Karen So this is what ended up doing. Cake Boss!

January 22 Karen This about sums it up. We are catching the train home. Watch video

January 22 Karen These two beauties and Mr Buttcrack photo bombing in the background.

So Lizzy enjoyed the whole thing. SHE LOVES NYC and wants to live there. Caleigh is only happy to hear that we can see Wicked only a few short daze after her Super Bowl birthday. So there you go. The Karenkool adventures.