Trying to Find the Balance

"To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) There were some potent questions in my devotional this morning (which is written for women):

How can we be assertive without being considered pushy? How can we have healthy self-esteem without being self-absorbed or overly self-important? How can we be humble but not self-depreciating and overly-modest?

Its the great tension I've walked around with for a greater portion of my life.  I've never fully captured a balance. This probably has a lot to do with the idea that every individual we interact with may have a completely different set of values and freedoms and hang-ups, or different sets of talents and personality traits...  especially regarding a confident woman.

You know what my "curse" is? I read non-verbal language too well. My interpretations aren't always accurate, but I pick up on a lot that is said through body language and tensions in the air, etc. Its not always such a great thing. And I tend to want feedback from people on how I am doing with things. Honestly though, I need to take less account of what other people think. The whole "seeking for approval" issue has been an age-old battle for me. Some daze are better than others.

The past several weeks and especially this past weekend brought these issues up in my face a bit more. It usually happens when I am in a position where my talents are being used and I want to feel that people are pleased. AGH! Why can't I just be happy with getting the opportunity to "fly"?  Can't I just accept the notion that its enough that GOD LOVES ME unconditionally and enjoys seeing my talents in use?  Instead I feel like I'm out there in the middle, vulnerable, open for criticism and judgment, not sure if what I think is good is actually bad to those listening. What do they really think about me and my performance?

Teaching the middle school kids their music for the past 6 weeks and coaching them along... trying to be assertive with the director and choreographer but not pushy... I think I had the balance right. It wasn't my place to make decisions that affected the whole group without collaboration. Many times my recommendations were NOT adhered to. I was ok with that, although it made me feel that they just suspected that it was "I" who couldn't handle it. I felt judged and snobbed a little, whenere I suggested cutting something early on. Honestly, it was not ME who couldn't handle it, it was the 6th, 7th and 8th graders being handed a high school musical to try and pull off with their little adolescent abilities. It was also the individuals who were cast in the lead roles who couldn't handle it. It was the lack of experience middle schoolers have with performing on stage and knowing how to prepare themselves personally (i.e PRACTICING), not mine! So now that we are in the final hours before opening, its apparent that I was right. I'm not gloating, and it has been acknowledged that I said it early on, and wasn't listened to. I was actually scolded, playfully, that I should have been more assertive. Haahaahah--Well, that's not fair!! 

Other things have also been said as we've been getting ready to watch the performances this weekend, that have upset my balance a little. It is in fact coming together. The kids are getting more and more into the flow. I mean, you HAVE to say that. They need to feel proud of their accomplishments and go out their with confidence. But the problems I had with things from the beginning are, in the end, still problems. Unfixable problems. Yes, improvements have happened... but... it doesn't feel all that great to me, walking away from a job I felt I did as well as I could, knowing that my early assessment was right, but the results will still be a reflection on my teaching abilities, or lack thereof. BOOOOOO!!!!

And with that, I must be merciful and gracious and walk humbly with my God. I'd much rather feel justified and validated! HAH!!

Alas, I must battle that pride.

The Ever-Changing Stages of Life

HIGH SCHOOL
I was 16 years old when I turned my life completely over to Christ. It was a radical transformation, not because I was an atheist or grew up in some abusive home or on the streets, but because I was a lukewarm pseudo christian who was trying to ride the fence of two worlds for some time. And I found myself on the wrong side of the fence a lot more than the right side. I loved to party with friends but then come across like the good girl with parents and adults. But the day came when I encountered the glory of God in a personally profound way, and basically threw myself at the feet of Jesus. I was smitten! He loved me!! I knew it right then and there, and it went beyond any kind of attention, admiration or affection I was looking for from those around me. He filled me up completely with His being and his presence. Love beyond reason! Forgiveness. Complete cleansing. Who can understand that but someone who has experienced the washing and infilling for themselves?

From that experience on, I became a follower of Jesus. I was full of passion and devotion. I was excited. I wanted to know Him more. I read my Bible everyday and was totally blown away by the things He was speaking right to the core of my soul. I journaled. I worshipped with music and song. I prayed all the time... which was more like an ongoing conversation with the Lord throughout the day. I talked about what was happening in my heart with those who would listen. I started a bible study at school. I wrote letters upon letters (because I had moved 2000 miles away from my closest friends) telling my old cronies the amazing changes that were taking place in my life. I was Radical! I've looked back at the things friends and teachers had written in my yearbooks from those two last years of high school, and apparently people were impacted by the things that God was doing in me. My joy and zest for life, my love and compassion for people, my fearless devotion to Jesus... people weren't offended, they were moved.

COLLEGE
I went to an awesome Christian University. Oral Roberts University. I LOVED IT!!! It was right where I needed to be and my faith continued to grow. I had soooo much fun at college and made amazing friends. I went on the mission field a few times and was changed dramatically by those experiences. I met the man who was to become my husband. That was a miraculously arranged marriage by the hand of God. Bringing a husband into my life, did in fact, bring a distraction into my life. My devotion was divided--not that it was wrong or that I should have remained single. God gave me the gift of an incredible husband, but there was definitely an adjustment for me and my time spent with the Lord. I can remember feeling the dilemma. I had sooo much love for my husband and sooo much love for Jesus, but the husband was a new thing for me and my attention was divided. Marriage was amazing!! It didn't take too long to work through the dilemma. God gave me Terry and I accepted. ;-)

PARENTHOOD--BABY STAGE
After a year of marriage, we were ready for babies. Our first born was well taken care of by everyone in the church and the youth in which we surrounded ourselves because of youth ministry. (Luke spit up on so many people!! haha). It was so much fun. Our second son came along and it was a little more challenging having two babies--a very strong-willed firstborn son and then a newborn. I began to feel the gaps in my time spent with the Lord. I was exhausted. I didn't have early morning devotions anymore, because I needed to sleep when I had a chance. I still had a lot of opportunities for ministry and bible study and worship, but it wasn't the same without my alone time, which was a big adjustment.

My third pregnancy came along and I felt as though my whole world was evolving into something I never expected. I was always a go-getter and a leader in my own right. I had a lot of passion and vision for God's kingdom. I was going to be a world changer for the Lord, but suddenly it all felt like a pipe dream. I was left at home with babies. I didn't have much time or energy for all these other things. My husband was moving more into full-time ministry and I was feeling resentful and resistant to the changes that were happening for my own life.

There was a specific moment I recall sitting on my deck, with a baby in my belly, watching the boys play, and resigning myself to whatever the Lord had for me, even though it was different than what I had thought. I had to let go of my own desires. I stopped resisting. And of course, I had three more babies (six total) and many many many more adjustments.

PARENTHOOD--TEEN STAGE
By the time the oldest ones were entering teenage hood, I no longer worried so much about how much time I was able to spend in quiet moments with the Lord. He loved me know matter what. I was still involved with worship in song and prayer and Bible reading. It was a natural outflow and I found outlets for ministry, but the time came when both Terry and I needed to take a sabbatical and remove our children from the "fishbowl" of the church, so to speak. Pastor's kids are expected to never make mistakes or get off track. There is a lot of judgment and we didn't want that for our kids or for us. It was a major change to step completely out of ministry after 15 years, but after a lot of very difficult situations personally and in the church, we were happy to take a break. And it's true, our kids began to sneak to the "other side of the fence" and get into teenage trouble. It was a very challenging time as parents, to say the least. The Lord got us through. Where would we even be without the Lord? The older kids grew out of their rebellious stage and onto adulthood.

PARENTHOOD--YOUNG ADULT STAGE
Now that we are here, I've hit that crisis point. I now have to watch my young adult children making decisions for themselves. Some times its very exciting and brings joy to my heart. But not always. And when I don't like some of the decisions, I tend to blame myself. Age-old-personal-shame-self-talk. I even had a post last week that showed how I was the one to blame because I haven't been as passionate about my love for Jesus in front of them. I could even say I have fallen out of love with Him for a season. But I am renewing my devotion. I'm rekindling my efforts of pursuit, and asking Him to rekindle the fire and passion in me. It's so easy to fall into complacency and so difficult to return to the disciplines. Anything can happen.

TRANSITIONS
I've always hated the adjustment times in life. TRANSITION! I know all about transition. That is a word you don't forget when you've had six babies and four of them being home births. In preparing for home births its only to your benefit to know everything you can about the stages of labor and what to expect. Transition is always the hardest and most confusing, panicky part. At least it was for me. It was the stage that became the most intense, and after all the work and pain I'd endured up to that point, I would think it would never ever end... and yet, transition was the shortest part of labor that always brought me to the pushing part rather quickly and to the rewards, 1) labor being finally over and 2) a baby being placed in my arms. (IN THAT ORDER--HAHAHA)

I may have transitioned into a new stage of life this past week. I don't know what to call it yet, but it'll be something to talk about in the future.

Taking a Long Hard Look

I'm reading three different devotionals each morning (or when I remember to do it anyway) and asking God to show me what I need to see and to help me reboot. So this morning, it was interesting to read in my youversion bible app, about a piece of junked furniture being restored... and how it was a very difficult process, but came out beautiful in the end. The piece of furniture was literally left for the garbage man to take away and the neighbors rescued it because they saw something of value there. They would go to work on it and make it beautiful again. Before it could be restored, it had to be stripped down to its bare wood. It also had to be stabilized because its strength had been undermined and it was wobbly. And it had to be sanded and smoothed and holes filled, because there were lots of dents, dings, chips and literal holes in the back. It took quite some time to strip the piece back to a place where it could begin to be rebuilt, and it was a very messy job.

I suppose this is what I need to happen in my inner life. Not looking forward to the process!

Next I read Oswald Chambers thoughts on Isaiah 6, "I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send?" There was a part in the devotional where Chambers talked about God working providentially to speak directly to our soul. And its not something that can be explained to another person with the same impact as what it has on oneself. Its very personal. Its God who knows the deep down longings and hurts and hang ups and needs deep on the inside, and He can speak to those areas in a very profound way, IF we have ears to hear. I left that devotional realizing that I need to be profoundly altered. I want to hear the call of God on my life. I used to be in that zone where I could hear, and I was willing and wanting to live completely in that zone and in obedience to His voice. Truly, in all truth to myself, I haven't been in that zone for a long time. What saddens me and stumps me, is that I know what it is to be in that zone, in a very real way. And I know that I am not there now... for many reasons.

I want to be loved back to that place!! I want to feel needed and valued.

Instead I feel guilty for being where I am in now... and I feel chastised and judged--not by the Lord, actually, but by my own self,  and by the enemy of my soul, and even by my old peers from back in the day (although they probably haven't thought twice about me). And I really don't feel valued or needed. There is always someone else who can do the things that I may be gifted to do.

For the last reading, I moved onto the "Simple Compassion" devotional and she was speaking about Priscilla in Acts, and how she was a courageous woman who ministered together with her husband and had a great impact. And even in that day when woman were not regarded highly, she was. Then the questions were asked about the ways women are still not regarded highly in many conservative church communities. And Oh do I know it! For many of my years growing up, I was the Priscilla, moving in the grace of God in spite of the resistance, being who I was called to be. And I saw many amazing breakthroughs in the mindsets of men. It was a beautiful thing, but a difficult thing. There were a few times where I was in settings that I found no resistance to women. Everyone was looked upon equally and gifts were embraced and drawn out, and it was really nice. But after some train wrecks, which did a complete number on me, we found ourselves back in a community where women and men are not looked upon equally. Here we go again. They aren't even regarded enough to take the offering or serve communion, and definitely not asked to preach or thought of as wise enough to bring counsel or even asked to lay hands on people for prayer. But Terry is an elder in this particular community, so I have relinquished myself to basically doing... nothing. I could help in children's ministry or youth or worship. And I have, actually. The six months time I spent leading worship there was a battle for me. I put everything I had into the ministry the way I usually do. And had tons of resistance, but I pressed on. I thought I was finding my place again. I was always received and appreciated by the congregation, but when a man came along who could do what I was doing and asked to lead the ministry, I was approached about it. Yes. I was literally asked if I wanted to let him take over the ministry. Just by being asked, it felt like that was what the church leaders really wanted. A man to lead. How many times had I heard that in my life?  I was tired of bucking the "faulty" system. I was tired of creating challenges to the church leadership regarding women. I didn't care to be in the middle of that again, not after what I'd suffered and where I had fallen away. The passion for ministry wasn't burning in me like it had in the past. I didn't hear God calling me to that place (or any place really). I relinquished the ministry I was moving in to allow someone else to shine, because he wanted it so bad (which actually ended up being a disaster in the end) and I went back to my corner! and no one cared.

Sad story.

So basically, all three devotionals this morning have spoken to my heart, but I am not walking away encouraged and excited. I am scared and angry and disappointed and finding out the reality of where I am and not knowing if I will ever be restored. Will I be rescued from the garbage heap and seen as valuable enough to strip down and bring back to beauty and usefulness? I can't imagine who would bring that kind of compassion to me, besides the Lord alone. Sometimes, it really helps to feel God's acceptance and love through a human being.

I still am not hearing God's calling, but I am now more in a position of willingness than I was last week. Progress.

Blaaahhh!!! (Confessions)

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I'm struggling to find my grounding. I don't know if this is a life cycle, a hormonal cycle, a New Year's evaluation or something else entirely. Maybe its just disappointment.

I'm disappointed with myself.

I've let things go AGAIN. My spiritual walk... my physical fitness... the housecleaning... on-target parenting. Procrastination is rampant in my life. I'm overwhelmed at the challenges that loom ahead which would get back on target. I don't even feel like taking the first step. Not even the first one. I have taken some first steps already, but nothing that has inspired me to keep going.

I'm disappointed with the choices I've seen some of my offspring taking. Sure they all make mistakes, but the consistent choices in their early adult lives are not very satisfying to my soul. Some things are impressive, but certain others things put a complete damper on my joy. I don't know what to do at this point. I tend to blame myself. I know I can't make decisions for them at this point, but maybe I haven't been the best example for them. Maybe if they saw a consistent, strong devotion in their mother's life, they would follow the lead. Honestly, I don't know what they see or don't see in me.

But what can I do? I'm struggling for myself. I can't get everything back on track for someone else's sake. I have to get it right for my own sake. And it feels like my failings are all tied together. I wish I had a group I could connect with on the level of faith pursuits, where I could be myself and also be honest and genuine about my personal life. Apparently that's a tall order, at least here in my area. If only our church met that need for me, but alas, NO!

As I was journaling this morning (even though this also seems like a journal entry, this is added thoughts) I was realizing the many things I have been passionate about over my life span. But in just about every area, as life continued on the passions changed and faded away for the next thing. Hardly any passion has remained the same. Is that OK? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe this is just how I'm wired, or maybe passions have been dampened and stomped out, and have left me wounded in areas deep down. Its not something I am aware of in most cases, but in some areas of passion it has been an obvious crash-and-burn situation. There are some places within that I just can't find the desire to ever return to. Some of those places were sources of spiritual outlets and spiritual passion, so it makes sense why I would feel so dry and empty. And it also feels like no one who has known me as that passionate person, really cares that I've gone away... or believes that I could find inspiration again. There is certainly judgment (because a few have offered their opinions and disappointments in me) but where's the love and compassion? The hope?

Maybe I just reject it completely before it even come close... scars. Old wounds. Sometimes I think I need to be rescued.