Life as I Know It

I certainly don't write enough for my own good. Its been therapy and a creative outlet for me since I was a teen. But, Lord knows how many times I've gotten myself into trouble by writing what I thought needed to be read--you know, expressing my thoughts; trying to passionately prove some kind of point; wanting to encourage someone or give advice; venting frustration through humor and sarcasm (this one gets me into trouble the most). Today it just feels confusing. I have way to many thoughts and concerns flooding my mind.

My rehearsal season is going full throttle and I'm only feeling loosely connected to the people who know me best. Its been busy busy busy so I'm not getting a full "download" from my friends, nor are they getting mine. I think about all the kids I know who've gone off to college for their first year and are feeling a similar loss of connection. Everything is new and different and they are now in a position where its time to develop some new relationships. And that just doesn't happen overnight so there's a gap. And it doesn't feel completely comfortable and connected yet. Of course, once I get comfortable with my new "circle" the production suddenly comes to an end and the rug is pulled out from under all my newly developed friendships, which leaves me to try reconnecting with my tried and true friends for a brief moment, only to start all over with a new cast and new set of rehearsals. VICIOUS CYCLE!!

Anyway, my youngest of six (Caleigh) is in 9th grade now!!!!! She's not the only one left at home presently, but come winter, my two oldest boyz (Luke and Nate) will be off on their adventures, Not sure what adventure Anika will decide upon, Jennah and Liz are off at college... so it may just be Caleigh and the dogs left at home for Terry and I. WEIRD! I'm sure its good that my schedule is filled for the year.

I'm finally leaving the organist/pianist/vocalist position at the Methodist church. Its been nine years and 5 pastors. The memberships remains a solid 20 people and I'm ready to return to more of the style of worship I enjoy. One of the pastors a few years back, wanted to bring the more modern approach of music and teaching to the Methodist congregation, however, it really didn't go over very well. It was unlike anything they knew and he was rather abrupt about it. Some of the younger crowd actually loved having a modern style of music and a modern day message which challenged their walk of faith, but those other ones who have been around for years and years held on tight to certain traditions and passionately resisted the change, or at least they didn't understand it and made noise about it, so the underlining battle ensued. It wasn't pretty in the end. Ugh! So, pastor #5 has been plugging away these past 2 years, trying to help the church to grow, but I'm done! A few more Sundays to go and I will officially be out. Truth be told, its never easy for me, at any church. I've been around the block. I've seen and experienced a lot--both amazing and awful and everywhere in between. I'm not sure what I want to do next or what God wants me to do at this point. But I know that I am spiritually dry and want to return to a place of richness that I've known in my personal walk of faith. Worship through music has been a big part of my connection to God. Not sure how to get back... or discover the newness of it. But I will say this as a side note: trying to present a style of modern worship music to a group of people who are completely unaccustomed to anything besides hymns may just end up feeling like a "funeral dirge" to them. Yah, that's what someone said yesterday about their experience with it 3 years ago. I kind of felt spanked! I'm sure I'll understand it all better when I'm 80. Hopefully I will also remember how I feel about it now, at (almost) 49.

I have many other things to write about, but this is enough. I have to go practice more on the two musical scores I'm rehearsing for this fall season. First Date runs Oct 13-30 and Catch Me if You Can runs Nov 4-13. I will have six straight weeks without a SINGLE night off. I'm scared.

P.S. This is one of the views we saw back in August when we dropped Liz off to college in San Diego--Point Loma Nazarene University. This is her campus. AMAZING!

Not the Most Ideal Morning

We have a large, loud fan in the bedroom to cover up snoring and other noises from the kitchen, etc. Its used all winter long. I have slept a lot better with it for some time. But after a while it no longer helped me stay asleep. Now, in addition to the fan, I wear ear plugs as a sleep aid. I think I started wearing them sometime in the winter. Maybe it started even before that. Maybe its been a year already. Probably.... They work fairly well to cover the snoring produced by my favorite person and the love of my life. I don't love the snoring! But the earplugs may have helped to save a marriage (haha).

This morning... well, every morning, one of the girls will come in around 7:30 to tap me awake because they didn't catch the bus and need a ride to school. This morning there were two girls tapping me. Weird. Wait a second. Why is it already 7:55? (School starts at 7:50). They are late before they've even come in to wake me up. Lizzy's ready. I'm told Jennah doesn't feel well and wants to go to school late (which means later than the "late" they are) and Caleigh is sitting at the kitchen counter still doing the homework she failed to finish last night.

AGHHH THIS HOMEWORK IS KILLING ME!!!! Yes ME! Somehow, my 5th grader just cannot do her homework on her own and she's very slow about getting it completed and she needs help on every freaking question and she needs someone by her side keeping her focused. It becomes a mama-yelling scenario almost every other night, but that doesn't seem to help anything change. I have reached the limit. She has reached the limit. She's burnt out on school. WHY ISN'T IT SUMMER YET????

I digress.

So, Lizzy goes to the car, but I can't find one of my flip flops. PEPPERMINT!!! She likes to take shoes outside. She's been fairly good about only carrying them and not chewing on them (um... unless they have heels). But I still cannot find my other flip flop. Grrrrrrr So Lizzy is waiting in the car and meanwhile, Caleigh is still sitting at the counter trying to finish her last 3 pages of reading. "Get in the car and read in there," I say in my scolding tone. "But I feel sick when I read in the car," she claims. "Too bad!" is my unsympathetic retort. When we get to school, a mere 4 minutes away, she doesn't get out but keeps reading. So I kick her out and tell her that from now until the end of school, no TV or breaks just to veg out until homework is complete.

Honestly though, I struggle with concept of young kids being in school all day long and coming home with homework which takes them all night to complete. Where is the imagination in that? Caleigh thrives in the creative things like art (which she doesn't have this year) and music and dance. She needs time also to practice and go to lessons. And then there's still homework. With all the ridiculous about of state testing and the pressure that comes with it, she thinks that she's not good at math. She thinks she's not good at science.  And she thinks she's not good at social studies. Her grades are decent. So why are there meltdowns before every single test?? This bring me distress. I'm reevaluating (again) the education she is getting and the patterns she has been developing--the distaste towards learning new things. To me it seems like it crushes her spirit and because of the whining she gives me, I'm probably adding to it. So yeah. This is what I come home feeling like, after dropping them off.

Ten minutes later, Jennah is dressed and ready. "Mom, can you take me to school.?" OH COME ON!!! 

After dropping her off, I get home and procrastinate for another hour. As I was cleaning up the dishes from last night AFTER THE KITCHEN WAS CLEANED UP, I inadvertently poured some frying oil down the kitchen sink, thinking it was water. AGH! Annoyed, I grab a cup of coffee and check FB for a while, trying to snap out of my bad attitude from the morning so far.  I finally decide that I must make my way over to the Episcopal Church where I will be playing the organ this coming Sunday. I've not yet played at this church so I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure it will be fine, but I've yet to play the organ. That's why I planned to head over there, to practice. I was warned however that I should come early so that I didn't interfere with any meetings. Well, apparently I missed the window. I can't practice then. Meanwhile, the week is zooming by and I still haven't touched the organ yet. To be fair, the organist led me through the entire service and all the ins and outs of the organ. At least I have that to go on. One time I played for a Methodist service cold turkey having never played on that organ before. That was a bit of a scramble. Actually, I've had several occasions of cold turkey organ playing. I'm not even an organist!!! And the Catholic Mass gave me great anxiety. Why do I get so distraught about these things?!

I guess Caleigh gets her propensity for meltdowns from her mama.

I'm noticing a lot more gray in my hair. Summer can't come quick enough. I need the sun to add some natural highlights to cover.

More Miscellany

If you could put off your work until later, you'd probably do it too. Maybe.

#1) I want to mention is how funny it is that two of my GFs are bickering and complaining about the other one not knowing the best way to recover properly from surgery [shakes head while snickering]The two of them are besties with each other, and both had major surgery within the same week of each other--hysterectomies, believe it or not. (I know. It was unbelievable to us as well). They are both complete opposites minus both being workaholics. They are both recovering in a completely opposite ways, but its working for each of them. So yah. I just have to shake my head, because of how they think the other one is doing it the wrong way. Baaahahaha! I'm proud of both of you!!!

#2) I'm so excited about this weekend. The bathroom is getting ripped out so it can be remodeled. WOOT WOOT!!! Hip Hip Hooray!!!! Thank you Jesus!! (and husband especially). Presently, I have pink paisley duct tape holding the caved in shower tiles together. They've been this way since May, but it just couldn't have been done while we had so many more people at home. I'm not necessarily excited to have 7 people for the one and only remaining bathroom. But its way better than having eleven to one. We will be away visiting my parents and Anika next week for part of the reno work. So, Luke should be fine to use the one and only bathroom in the house while we are away. I wouldn't advise him to throw any parties during the construction, that's for sure.

#3) Nate is leaving for Costa Rica again. He loved it so much last year he decided to return. He has an undying love for boarding, whether it be snow, surf or skate. One of these daze I'll post a video from Luke and Nate's xtreme sports GoPro adventures. They are crazy!!

#4) Guess what I'm getting pulled back into... those Methodists! They just can't get enough of me. LOL. They are still looking for that permanent organist, which is so hard to find these daze. So after subbing for them on a few Sundays this year, as they had no one else to cover, they've now asked if I would at least commit to one or two Sundays a month. So, I'm going to do it.

They prefer me because I sing too. ;-) And because I'm so cute. hahaha

#5) Politics and its election campaigns are becoming soooo ridiculous. I just laugh and laugh, if I'm not getting worked up anyway. This one came my way this morning, and I simply couldn't resist creating a photo retort.
Here's the political ad. If its not working, click on the link.

Here's my retort:

Hilarious, I know!! I've been chuckling all day.

My Life is Good...

so why would I ever be grumpy?

Like right now, for instance? Reason #1: Well I'm tired!! and... Reason #2: my back is still achy from yesterday's 4 hours of house cleaning (not my house) and 4.5 hours of office work (the paying kind, not just clowning around on FB). Today was a few more hours of work and errands and then other work and more errands, and not tackling my personal house work which is desperately needed.

Ok. That brings us to reason #3. My house is still a disaster from being away all weekend and then coming home with a ton of stuff that needs to be put away. Um, not getting much help there. Luke obviously had a little party while we were gone, and the kitchen floor is disgusting. We had sleeping gear for 7 persons on the retreat, which I brought down from the attic and closets in preparation for the weekend. So now that everything has been washed, it all has to be put away. I did a 1,000 loads of laundry and have been to the attic several times, putting things away, but there is yet more STUFF remaining in the kitchen... just waiting. Yea. It gets under my skin.

Blah blah blah...

The retreat was AMAZING! But I can still be grumpy after the amazing things God did this past weekend with the kids? Well, its kind of like "a crash after the sugar high" or something. I was so excited about things, but then I felt totally burdened, and then worried about what's next. Ugh. I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

Something I was realizing more clearly about myself after this weekend, is that I still love to be involved in ministry, especially with youth, but once I begin to invest in people, and my heart gets squeezed out with the compassion I feel, I have a hard time knowing where the line is between what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to leave to God. I don't want to be that driven person I used to be, who ended up becoming THE FIXER of all things... or at least the one who tried to! In the past, I so wanted to help fix everyone's hurts and all their life's problems. I was in a position where that was expected even. But I became unhealthy, with a need to fix and a need to please and a need to always be doing something with a measurable result. I just think things got out of whack. Well they definitely did, but I was PASSIONATE!! I really had a good heart. I truly cared!! I still have a good heart. I still really care... but I try not to think about making everything "right" for everyone.

Now, whenever I begin to head in that direction, I try to disconnect myself. I remind myself to objectify. I kind of remove the passion and emotions and try not FEEL the too much of the burden. But that doesn't feel right either. Problem is, I don't know how to feel another person's burden without my mind jumping over to the "fix the problem" mode.  Yes, I pray. And I have been a SERIOUS prayer warrior in my lifetime, but that never feels quite like its enough. And my prayer life was all a part of the drivenness. You see, I want to DO something to make it all better. I want to act in obedience to whatever the Lord wants me to do, but its not the "doing" I struggle with, its the "not doing". Does that make sense?

So, I didn't go to youth group tonight, even though I'd love to join back in, especially after the retreat. Also, I didn't "take the bait" when the pastor from the Methodist church called yesterday and told me they still don't have a permanent organist after 3 months of searching. I haven't rejoined the music team at my home church, even though no one has been playing the piano since I've been back. Honestly, I just can't figure out what's the right thing for me and what isn't. I actually feel kind of LAMEO with the ministry and music scene. That can't be good.

Anyway, Fall Retreat on Shelter Island was awesome.

We watched this video: woah! There is a remastered version of it on youtube too, but I like hearing the crowd noise. Its devastating. Go ahead and watch it.

Screaming Good Time in NYC

I know that its been 7 days since my last post, but my most faithful reader (or the one who faithfully comments anyway) was here visiting. So I'm not sure that I was missed very much here in bloggerville. If you missed me, HOLLA!

We did the quick tour up 5th Ave and to Rockefeller Center and to many other places all before meeting some friends for cocktails at the Campbell Apartment and dinner at The Place in the meat packing district.
Sohailah picked up this lost, hungry, homeless COWBOY along the way, so we let him experience all the joys of NYC with our crazy selves.

We visited the New York Public Library. It is beautiful and amazing. Terry commented about the painting on the ceiling... just that it was odd that there were no women and it just looked a little odd. He referenced the movie, Death at a Funeral. HAHA (had to be there).

Saturday was what is called Drunk Santa Day in NYC. We saw Santa and his elves every where all day long. I loved the squirrel... or as we learned from Jolene: Eichhörnchen.

We found this lovely display in one of the parks we were passing. It was so colorful we decided to take the photo opportunity. Homeless Cowboy stayed with us the next day for continued touring.
We had to chastise Sohailah for trying to smuggle the plants home in her decorative CAbi coat.

We walked the Brooklyn Bridge until Sohailah began to misbehave.
That's when the marine officer ushered us back to safety.
We gave Homeless Cowboy a cup of coffee and tried to convince him that the camera does not actually steal your soul. "You can keep your eyes open when the shutter releases. It will do you no harm."
This picture may have been only a few moments before my head got caught in the subway door. Now there's a story for ya... It's when I found out who my real friends are!!!
We went a LOT of places.

On Sunday we were back home. Because I haven't gotten a pair of these yet, Sohailah graciously offered her foot pedaling services by joining me for the church service. It was an organ duet. I think I should have paid her.
She did a fantastic job and even sang the verses as she played the low notes.
HEE!

The Climax

Remember how I mentioned that January was jam packed and I was feeling really concerned? Well, this weekend was definitely the climax of all the anticipated action... and everything turned out quite well.

Jan 4th was a women's tea and candle exchange where I was asked to lead in some worship music time. I hadn't been with the ladies from my church for quite some time (since I've been playing the organ at the methodist church for a year now). Anyway, I was please with how that went, especially since Tina had an interpretive signing ready for a song I wanted to sing. It was beautiful. Ladies were crying and all that! So we know that means that it was incredibly annointed (right Sohailah).

As the week went on it was PTO mtg, volleyball game, Basketball game, work, and then HMEA
rehearsal. HMEA is the Hamptons Music Educators Association music festival. Students from schools in the Hamptons are hand picked for band, chorus, orchestra and world drumming. Anyway, I was asked to accompany the chorus. YAY!

The following week meant 3 basketball games, a volleyball game, taking school yearbook pictures for basketball team, two more HMEA rehearsals, work, hosting a youth group fundraiser dinner (organizing the feeding 215 people... a delicious steak dinner), providing entertaiment at the dinner (which no one took a picture or video of--sad to say), and then the HMEA performance. I loved it all. This morning I was exhausted. I really didn't want to go play the organ... but I did.

Oh... Amos had another one of his classic, back-handed comments. A woman was giving me a lovely compliment about the music this morning and the pastor and Amos were standing there listening. Amos said to the woman, "Oh, she's improving every week." THANKS AMOS, FOR YOUR EXPERT MUSICAL OPINION!!! Pastor Juhye covered over his comment saying, "Karen is such a gift to us. A wonderful gift." Thank you, my dear Juhye.

I lovingly [smirk] received a speeding ticket on the way to church this morning. I was soooooooo angry. I couldn't drum up those tears until the officer left in his car. BLAGH!!!

After church, we had a nice family pot roast dinner and than I drove Luke almost to the city to catch his ride back to college. It's been a long break for him (5 weeks). He's finally going back! to hit the books and the autobody work. I decided I could better handle driving him in and having a wonderful ride back in peace and quiet, and I would let Terry take 10 girls to the movies for Elizabeth's birthday party. They are all here now and plan to sleep over tonight. [heavy sigh] Happy 12th birthday, Elizabeth (on Wednesday). I have nothing left to give to this party, so Jennah is running it. Terry and I have retreated into our bedroom to relax.

This coming week is another busy one, but I think I'll survive. I HOPE!

Christmas Comments from the Peanut Gallery

Caleigh: Mom, Jennah won't let me sleep in the family room tonight. She doesn't want me to see her presents because they're not wrapped.

Me: Jennah, do you want me to wrap them?

Jennah: Nope!

****

Me: Caleigh, Santa won't come until you are fast asleep in your bed.

Caleigh: I don't believe in Santa, anyway.

Me to Terry: When did that happen?

Caleigh: You just write, "Blah blah blah, From Santa" on the presents yourself. I already know that.

****

Anika: Hey Mom, how come you never made a big deal about Santa when we were growing up?

Me: Um... ??? ... I guess we just didn't want Christmas to be all about Santa, so we didn't talk about him much. Are you upset about that?

Anika: YAH!

Me: Awwwwwwwww Anikaaaaaaaa [hugs hugs hugs] You poor deprived child!!!

Anika: Did your parents leave Santa out when you were growing up?

Me: No. But when you are the 5th child of 6, there isn't much time left to believe in Santa. The older brothers kind of ruin it by showing you were all the presents are hidden.

****
After tonight's Christmas Eve Service, where I was completely frazzled and doing the very best I could, considering my day...


Caleigh: Mom, you did good tonight! But some of the singers were way off. They weren't singing with you at all (of course I am way up in the balcony with no microphone).

Amos, the lay leader at the FEHUMC where I play the organ: Hey Karen, you seemed a little off tonight (said in front of all my kids, my husband and the pastor).

Me: ... [smirk] Yeaaaa... um...

Pastor Juhye: You were the busiest person here tonight, Karen. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy the gift I gave you, Merry Christmas.

Marilyn: Karen, thank you for your wonderful talents. Here is a little gift ($50) from the ladies of FEHUMC.

Me(later at home): *#%$&@#* (cussing Amos out several times in my mind... and finally giving way to a good cry for about 20 minutes... what a jerk).

****

Me: I'm now happily listening to The Christmas Story on TV. I think I'll go watch.

Merry Christmas!!!

I Think They're Starting to Like Me

I play the organ every Sunday in the First United Methodist church next town over. My organ looks exactly like the one pictured above (hahah--ya right!!). Nah. My organ is very, very simple... no pipes... two keyboards... seldomly used foot pedals.

Anyway, the congregation just received a newly appointed minister a few weeks ago. She's a lovely young woman, originally from South Korea and has two young children. He husband is also a methodist minister. I only mention her because she is so meek and gentle and kind. And in a matter of a few short weeks, something has begun to shift in the personality of this small church community. It's quite uncanny to witness.

Last week I left immediately after the service and no one said anything to me which is common enough, but I even felt rushed out of the sanctuary like people had important things to do already! I didn't see the minister before I left, but the usher lady informed me, "Those doors are already locked so use this one and I'll lock it behind you." I thought it was a tad bit rude, but that's just her personality. So guess who gave me a phone call a little later in the day? The minister. She wanted to tell me that she missed seeing me after the service and just wanted to tell me that I have a lovely voice and play beautifully. She wanted to encourage me to feel free to sing more at the prelude time of the service, especially if there was a hymn listed in the service that was unfamiliar to the congregation. Well, I've never been a huge HYMN person and I still don't really know how to play the organ, but that was encouraging to hear.

Today, I was spontaneous. I actually sang two songs (choruses rather than hymns) during the prelude time--totally unplanned. I wasn't sure how it went over, because I am up in the balcony alone, and can't see anyone below. Well, I discovered how it "went over" when the secretary came running up the stairs at the end of the service to tell me how wonderful it was to hear me sing. Awwwww. And there were about five others waiting at the bottom of the stairs also encouraging me. One of the ladies told me how happy they all are that I am with them, and it's been so wonderful. She mentioned that the music used to be so bad... like a funeral service every week. (I wondered if she unknowingly was talking about when I first started--hahah).

I'll have to hold on to those compliments I received today, because they aren't given very frequently. But who knows that this isn't something new; a new spirit of love and encouragement that Rev. Juhye has invaded the place with. One can only hope. New Yorkers can be so crass and... cold (until you get to know 'em, of course).

Yeeaahhh... Did You Happen to See that Memo...

My husband--he makes me laugh--offered this video clip as great comic banter regarding an email I received from the secretary of the church where I play the organ. CLASSIC HUMOR!!! CLASSIC CLIP!!!