Rating My Musical Theater Experiences

ACTING On Stage

Naked Stage Marathon-- I was scared and rusty in my acting, but it was a great encouragement for me to keep going. I was not happy about the Violin Maker's Daughter (someone's original musical). The music was so abstract and I regret now that I didn't go with the character choice I really wanted to play. I was too shy about it. Totally insecure. If I ever did it again it would be a way different situation.

Anything Goes--I was excited and happy playing the purser. I found it a challenge in that I was a woman playing a role written for a man. And the fact that a purser wouldn't have been woman during the era the show was written for, just made it hard for me, but still it was a fun show with a great cast.

Ruthless--This show was a total thrill and hilarious, but some things happened... with reviews... which left me personally encouraged but super confused, that and the fact that a few of my friends actually didn't like the show.

Grease--These were fun times but I was "slightly" frustrated with the MD.  and the hubby's reviews weren't great. The biggest kicker was that I had to sing a duet with my scene partner who just couldn't sing it on pitch. SUPER frustrating.

Our Fabulous Variety Show--I was somewhat uncomfortable in my position, of crossing over to music directing, but happy to get paid for the first time.

Fifty Million Frenchmen--I was nervous with my directors, not feeling like I was doing anything well. I was not thrilled with my scene partner and just insecure, but the experience was so good for me. Some of my friends said they loved me in this role best.

Victor Victoria--This was one of my most challenging shows. I loved it. The ideas were brilliant. The dancing was sooo cool. I enjoyed helping with the music end in rehearsals, but we didn't pull off the show very well. Needed more time and a lot more money. I also had lyme's disease by showtime and was really suffering.

Joe Sent Me--This show was low key for me but I played an enjoyable character and found the book very interesting, my director friends' original. Another crossover for me into tastes of music directing.


HIRED as Musical Director

Working--I was asked in late to this one because of an MD dropping out, and took the position in my very "green and learning" state. It was not a bad first time thing, but I cringe a little when I think about it. The show had a lot of talent and was done very well.

Grease--I was still green and unassuming. I felt quite intimidated butI knew the show. I just had to figure out how to adjust a Broadway score for middle schoolers.

Best Little Whorehouse--I was gaining confidence but was slightly ashamed of the content of this show, but loved the pit band antics.

High School Musical--There were some difficult cast elements, more challenges with adjusting things for the younger voices, but the experience wasn't so bad overall... kind of.

Night on Broadway--This was an easy one because I basically accompanied rather than MD'd with a cast of only four (two of them my own daughters). Very proud of this one and the first full musical theater production for the school... at least in a very very long time.

13 the Musical--One of my top 5! It was a great show, great cast, and I felt appreciated! Somehow parents knew the role I played and I received many thanks and cheers.

Snoopy--This was a wonderful cast, but an exhausting experience with some personal disappointment at the end. Wish I could forget them HA!

Fame--I was unhappy, under appreciated, and not a show I would want to do again. And I could only see the dress rehearsal of this one, because I was playing another show. So its a hard one to judge fairly.

World Goes Round--One of my top 5! I loved doing this, enjoyed the cast, but felt very sad that my husband didn't have the appreciation for it. Had the best small pit band camaraderie!

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee--I loved this show, worked really hard, felted a little stressed out and had some personal disappointments. I wished I had known about gathering a few more for the pit band at that time.

Fantasticks--We had obstacles and challenges plaguing rehearsals for this show but it was still a good one. Interesting experience. I got to play with a harpist, but sure did miss my bass player and drummer.

Shrek--This show was so much fun, a lot of work, a lot of music, but it was a good one. Loved the kids.

Rent--One of my top 5!! I adored working with cast and director. Pit band antics were great too. This was a hard one to let go of. It was such a heartfelt heart warming experience for me. I was named Karen the Queen of 2016 LOL.

Best of Broadway 2016--Rehearsals were difficult and a little strained but loved this show.

Little Shop of Horrors--Oh I truly enjoyed teaching the music for this one, and especially loved seeing my girls shine. Added another favorite bass player to this pit band and it was a good time. Stressful though.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels--It was a fun show, good cast, lots of driving! A learning experience of conducting a bigger band from the keys. Successfully done though.

First Date--I have to say I was unhappy, under appreciated, super frustrated. There were reasons but I'll leave that unsaid. It was the pit band of despair. They weren't bad (could have been better) but such a major headache trying to put a pit together for this show. The cast basically ignored me until the opening of the show and then suddenly they appreciated me and would have conversations. It was the weirdest thing. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

Catch Me if You Can--One of my top 5!! Super show, super cast, super direction, amazing pit band experience. A big personal learning curve to have a band of 11 professional musicians and to conduct them from the piano. It was a very challenging score--scary but so fun.

Little Mermaid--This was a decent experience overall, but I became super disappointed at showtime and how things unrolled for me, although the performance was terrific. There were a lot of adjustments happening for a variety of reasons, but the underlying feelings that I experienced around showtime still make me feel a little sad.

In the Heights--One of my top 5!! The music was so much fun to play and really difficult to teach. The performances were amazing and high energy with super crowds. My learning curve was steep for the latin/hip hop score but I conquered it and LOVED IT!

Best of Broadway 2017--For the rehearsals the struggle was real not just for me, but for the team. The shows went well in the end, but it was a struggle to the bitter end and it took the fun out of it. Kids these daze... So much work for the production team and so little help, understanding or appreciation of that. We had our few cast members who did actually make it feel worth the journey--the ones who actually cared about the show and brought everything they had to the table.

Bring it On--We are still in rehearsals. The struggle has been real here as well, but its fun music, I adore the cast (on most daze and when they show up) and we've gotten creative with how its going to be presented. I feel terrified! regarding all the logistics, but it always comes together, right?! Its another scary score, but mainly because of all the electronic hip hop samples and sound patches to use. Its another learning curve. I enjoy learning.

So why is it scary to learn?

The Struggle is Real

There's a lot!!!

Today, I really felt like I was at the END of my game. I was very tempted to give up. Discouraged. Frustrated. Really, really mad and on the verge of angry tears at several points. Of course, I'm not going to give up--win or lose. I just don't renege on my commitments. I don't even want to renege, but there has been some real stress and discouragement.

There are a lot of things at play in my game. First off, which I probably shouldn't even mention, is that I'm turning 50 and hormones are whacky. Seriously though, everything has been at an even keel up until about last week. I mean, I've had a few rough times with my aging process over the last few years, but now... I think I may be in for some mirky waters ahead. And it pisses me off.  I don't want to have a year long battle, or even six months. I had six babies!! Give me a break, dear Jesus. I can deal with a few weeks or a month and be ok, but I'm just a little scared of what "crazy" I may have to endure. I'll be alright. Surely. People just need to be nice to me and try to be understanding... And give me hugs, because I probably need those more than I let on.

Since last week, apart from hormones, there have been hits to my heart.

• I've learned that one of my dear ones, who grew up with my kids, got into some trouble. Smashed up his car and all... and I don't know what to do or how to help. My heart hurts so much and I feel overwhelmed, because I just don't think I'm the one who can help. I have that tendency to always want to run to the aid of all those I care about, and yet, its not always me who can, or should. So, I really hurt when I feel helpless. I can pray. 
• There is also someone else who I had been reaching out to, who fell into some trouble and I also can't get in touch with. Oh my heart. The vice tightens.
• I had a personal issue come up that caused me to question a lot of things, mostly about myself. Then I questioned the person who caused the things to surface, and the thoughts went round and round in my head... over basically inconsequential things. It'll all work out in God's timing, so "Karen, just stop!"
• Also, there was someone very dear to me who found an opportunity, just the other day, to share a devastating story which took place in her younger years. The account struck me to the core. I'm so glad she was able to share it with me, but oh my heart!!!
• So, today my mom told me, that my dad, after having a biopsy on his elbow, had to have further biopsies done because the tests came back positive for melanoma. He will have surgery soon to remove everything they found, and now we are fervently praying and believing for complete health. This news probably hurts my heart the most. I may just have to take a trip to Florida once these two April shows are done.
• Lastly, the shows.... I guess I will mention my struggle with the two high school shows I'm doing. Basically, I feel like I am FAILING!!! I just can't seem to motivate the teens--and they are the ones I enjoy working with the most. So YEA! We had great success with the last show, but now, halfway into the next batch of rehearsals I feel like a total failure. Usually, at this point in the rehearsal routine, I am the optimistic one, giving positive vibes to the director and all those around. However, this is not how I feel today. Its me who needs a boost of confidence. I'm not sure if this lack of optimism is because of them or me, but something is off and I can't figure it out. I feel really down about it and at a complete loss. I need some encouragement!!!

I am going to press on and lighten up. Life happens. We go through joys and pains, highs and lows. We work really hard at things and we take time to rest (at least we should). Mostly, I want to enjoy the people I am with, but also those I love, who I can't be with regularly. 

But oh the emotional roller coaster and hormones makes me NOT want to be with people. Help Me!!

What Motivates You?

I am feeling a bit unmotivated, since this past week or so. Ever have those times? You're cooking along and finding success and joy in the work and suddenly everything shifts. I've talked about how this happens for me in my line of theater work. I'm still busy with two new productions,  and usually when I'm moving at a fast pace I stay pretty motivated, but for some unknown (and other known) reasons, I'm struggling to turn it on full throttle. Actually, no. That's not completely true. I launched in full throttle to both productions. I've laboring to prepare and organize, excited to work on the next new thing.

So, why have I started to find my motivation being sucked out of me? Let's think about it. Maybe you can make your own list when you find yourself struggling.

What motivates me...

Working with and teaching people (of any age) who are genuinely eager to focus on a task together.

Being with people who take what I give and give something back in return. But equally in the reverse order: being with people who give me something, which I receive, and in return take what I give. The give-and-take relationship motivates me a lot. Its that mutual appreciation that human beings share which ranks high on my list of core values.

I love when I see people being awakened to the concept of sharing their energy. For example, while acting on stage together, and I put out my interpretation/expression of the thing I wish to communicate and then you say yes to it, giving me something back of equal value, equally energized. This happens with acting but also with music, dance, art, writing, humor, etc.

I'm also motivated by someone else's hard work and success. I get drawn in. I love to cheer people on; show my support; give my attention; acknowledge the "graduations" of life; celebrate the victories.

What robs my motivation...

Being around people who just don't care.

Being under-appreciated for my time and effort.

Being around people who act like what they are doing is a waste of time. (If its a waste of your time then don't do it, and especially don't join me in what I'm doing with that kind of attitude).

Being around people who only care about themselves, and indicate that only their own interests are important.

A lack of communication or simply being misunderstood, based on differing communication styles.

People who are super needy and allow their insecurities to come out sideways.


I'm not sure what's going on lately. I've been hit with sad news from a handful of different people in my life which weighs me down with waves of emotion. I want to help. I want to fix. I want to communicate. But I'm reduced to prayer--which is probably the best thing I could do anyway. I was recently struck by a certain "old annoyance" that sometimes rears its ugly head. That trigger-issue has to run its course, because its not something I can change. I have to deny myself the right to be angry or judgmental. If I truly want to walk in love, I have to be patient and trust God. The struggle is real.

And then, this all leaves me to wonder if the planets' alignment has been doing a number on all of us recently--haha. Maybe its just me.

Hoping for a better week and a productive month!!

Theater Tales | What I Did and Didn't Know When I Was Young

Music directing for stage productions is a very good fit for me. I did not see that coming!!!

Middle School

My first time participating in a full musical production was in my 7th grade at the middle school. At least, that's the first one I really remember. I was cast in the ensemble and soon after, was assigned a minor, minor role. It was my first time having a libretto, or getting real choreography and being costumed, or doing a show with a live orchestra pit. I got a kick out of the whole thing. The show was Bye Bye Birdie and I LOVED the experience. (I also remember getting a major crush on the pit drummer who was a sophomore in high school--I'm sure the crush continued on for 3 years).

My next experience came soon after--maybe the summer leading into 8th grade. This program was open to a broader age group and I am pretty sure it was directed, and choreographed by real theater professionals. The show was a Broadway revue and WOW I loved that whole experience, also. My favorites were songs from West Side Story, Godspell, Hair, and Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (favs because I was in them--haha). I had an ensemble role, but they liked having me on hand because I was very skilled in reading music and singing harmonies and filling in wherever needed. I just didn't have a strong solo voice, but I could dance, and I had "great" stage presence and could help anyone who struggled with singing parts because of my piano skills.

My third experience was also at the same theater doing a production of The Boyfriend. Another great great time where I actually had a slightly bigger role as Dulcie, and they allowed my character to speak with a lisp and a British accent. HAHA. Its funny how this show was not quite as memorable for me. Probably because I didn't have as much time to see everything else that was happening on stage. I had my own lines and songs and character role to worry about. Plus, 8th grade is a very hormonal stage in a girl's life. I do remember having a smoking-hot red asian-style dress (from pictures).

High School

Ninth grade was the high school production of Brigadoon. Ensemble again for me. Not very memorable.

Tenth grade. We did On the Town. Ensemble. Plus a small monologue. Memorable and fun, but still I had a small part so I didn't really grasp much and I mostly remember my crazy, rollercoaster, emotional life during that production. I was not exactly behaving at that point.

Tenth grade class play competitions--SOOO HILARIOUS! Very memorable.  Other things I was involved with--ShowChoir. Very memorable. I had small roles in everything I did, but I my parts were not unimportant. I'm not sure whether I realized any of that then--probably not. I do remember that my personality had a similar effect then as it has now, which tends to bring the happy, crazy, fun atmosphere most of the time, along with occasional bouts of "steam and frustration." (Those angry rants were WAY worse as a teenager, so be glad if you know me now instead of then).

Leading into my eleventh grade I moved from NY to TN and had a whole new experience with music. MARCHING BAND! My new school, Ripley High, was the marching band Mid-south champs for several years in a row and they/we were really good! Memorable. And chorus competitions!! I ended up being scouted to become the chorus accompanist which I LOVED! (This Yankee girl was a mystery to everyone). Becoming the accompanist was a great opportunity, and little did I know than, a needed piece for my future.  Show choir was awesome. We did this whole performance from Michael Jackson's Thriller album and I got to dance with boys. haha However, Ripley had nothing happening in the theater department my junior year.

In Twelfth grade, My two favorite teachers decided to produce a play and I was cast as the lead role. Wha?!! Up the Down Staircase. Ever hear of it? I got the LEAD!!! Honestly, I knew very little about acting, but I had some natural talent and decent stage presence. It was a memorable and scary experience. Sadly, I don't think anyone video taped it. I've only ever seen a few photos, to help maintain a vague picture of things in my mind's eye. I wish I could look back on some of these events. Cell phones and social media has turned our world upside down. It's weird to think of how it used to be.

College

At college, because I was very immersed in my classical music training (piano and voice) and my spiritual life... and my social life, I wasn't very aware of any theater program on campus until my second and third year! My voice teacher, along with her husband were the heads of the opera department, but I was in no way an opera singer. I left my vocal lessons crying and deflated just about every week.  I did not have the physicality or basics in my "tool belt" to sing the way she was trying to teach me which was very frustrating. I disliked my voice. It was weak and breathy and small. But somehow, I was always a section leader in my choirs because I was excellent at reading music and harmonizing and my tone and pitch were great for blending. I had strengths, but they weren't helping me be a great solo singer.

I auditioned for music ministries the end of my freshman year and didn't get into the summer program. I'm sure I cried about that. Lots of disappointments and reality checks. The second summer I bypassed music ministries and went straight to the missions program and ended up going to India for two months with a team of 12 students. Best experience of my life. We were a music/drama team and I can't even begin to tell you what an incredible adventure that was. POWERFUL!!

Near the end of my junior year, after my big junior piano recital, I auditioned for a student-directed show: Snoopy, the Musical. I was cast as Lucy. I had also auditioned for music ministries and suddenly was faced with making a decision between the two because, the rehearsals conflicted. Sometimes I regret not doing the musical, but I choose the spiritual thing(music ministries) and traveled much of the northwest US and Canada all summer in a van with a great group of students. But truly, I missed being in INDIA all summer long!! side note: my future husband was the one leading the India mission team that same summer (another big story to tell some other time). I missed my piano. I missed the whole summer of preparing for upcoming my senior recital. And I regretted the fact that I missed some opportunities which set me back in ways I didn't foresee, but nothing that upset the entire course of my future. That was still going to happen--in whatever way it would.

Life

All of my growing up, and my growing pains helped shape me into who I am today. Here I am, almost  50, and I'm doing something I would never have guessed in all of those younger years. Music directing for stage productions is a very good fit for me. I did not see that coming!!! I totally enjoy it and I'm pretty good at it. I like teaching music. I like shaping characters and being part of a production team. People are my absolute favorite thing on earth. And I kind of understand the psychology of theater, especially in school settings and the community theater settings. So, that makes the position fit me even better.

Musical theater can be tough. Sometimes its brutal on the self-confidence. But the lessons we learn can be our best friend. Getting cast or not getting cast; having a lead role or winding up in the chorus--once again; It can feel very personal.

But here's a tip or two: Get to know yourself. Get to know your skill level. Make improvements by taking lessons or classes or (hello) by practicing! Get to know the types of roles you could actually pull off in a believable way. Study the field by attending other shows and watching things on youtube. Video tape yourself, so you can see/hear what the audience sees/hears. Put together an audition book with songs and monologues that are good for you, so you'll be ready when an audition pops up. Get to know the important things about casting, and a director's point of view... it makes all the difference.

Growth can't rushed either. So embrace life as it comes. Do your best always, but don't sweat the disappointments for long. There will always be a future with fulfilling and satisfying experiences, but only if you embrace life honestly. Search for the truth in everything.

God knows your future and what you were created for. Ask Him about it. #lovinglife

The Glamour of Musical Theater

Sometimes, I wonder if I should even be in this field of musical theater. I've been music directing shows for local schools and community theaters since 2011. I have about 18 shows under my belt as MD. It has not been a long career or a TON of experience, yet, but I learn quickly. And before I was doing this stuff I was doing other things like raising six kids. But now, with only one chickie left in the nest I have taken on six shows for this year. It's a lot of music to learn. Its a lot of music to teach. Its a lot of different people to work with and very different experiences from one program to the next. Each director is different. Each show is different. Sometimes, I work with adults; sometimes its middle school or high school. There is a range of juggling acts I have to perform, and its certainly interesting.

I enjoy what I do A LOT... well, usually... on most/some daze. And then there are those times when I feel very small. Under appreciated. Unimportant. Invisible. It SuckS! I HATE THIS!!! YOU PEOPLE CAN JUST [blah blah blah]!!!

I'm not a diva, but I do need to be appreciated and supported in the role I play on the team. When I am ignored or taken for granted or constantly finding that my input is overlooked, I tend to get angry and shut down. Its a very simple thing for a director to include me in the plans, to simply talk with me every once-in-a-while, or to appreciate my work verbally on occasion. And God forbid the director say something appreciative or acknowledging about music director TO THE CAST so that they see the support. I have seen with my own eyes the difference that makes! My contribution IS valuable. ANY music director's contribution to the production is of great value!! DUH. The director will find him or herself hard-pressed to make a musical happen without someone teaching the music and providing all that the MD provides throughout the rehearsal experience, all the way to and thru the run of the show. Its just common sense, but you'd be surprised...

My personality is easygoing and fairly calm. I make my work seem easier than it is. I work hard at home to prepare. I get along with people and make it a habit to try to understand where individuals are coming from; what makes them tick so I can help them as best I can. It really brings me joy when I work with a group who embraces me wholeheartedly, and gets all they can out of the theater experience, including grabbing ahold of the fun part of who I am, and the friendship I offer. I'm social so... I want the genuine connection. I guess that's why I enjoy working with schools and community theater.

There are, of course, the varying styles of leadership in a director. I work with all different types. Some have had years and years of experience. Others are new at it, with lots to learn, and sometimes even if they are new at directing they've had a ton of theater experience and are naturally brilliant. But the best lesson a director can learn, or should I so my best experiences have been with a director who appreciates and acknowledges his/her team--especially to the players. It creates a positive environment for the cast and for everyone. They should do it early on in the process, and continue to do it periodically, so that when they need to make "withdrawals" i.e. asking for extra work, making music changes, communicating something long after they should have, etc. there is something already deposited in the account from which to draw. Appreciation is so important. Even a simple "thank you" can make a BIG difference... as can the LACK of verbal appreciation. HINT:

DON'T BE A STUPID IDIOT BY FORGETTING 

TO GENUINELY THANK YOUR TEAM!!! 

I'm sorry. Does that sound bitter? You may be on to something.

In all honesty, I don't need to be devalued at this point in my life. I can do other things with my time. Its hard enough that in only a few short months, I am facing an "emptier" nest than I've ever had. I have enough reasons in this stage of my life to cause me to struggle with being sad; happy, but sad. If this theater cycle is going to compound the sadness, I'm not sure I should stay in it. Hmmmm.

Perhaps I just need to press through! Maybe I'll find this as an important season of growth in my life, one that won't necessarily keep cycling back around as a "thorn" the way I fear its going to. The rollercoaster ride of emotions is super difficult for me. How much can I endure? I'm not all that tough. When it comes down to the facts, I'm a people person much more than a career-oriented person. However, if my career can also double as a passion, that is a great thing. If it also lends to fulfilling my mission of loving and caring for people, even better.

I think I'm going to take this year of productions to see if that's the case--that this is a season of beneficial growth, because I do love what I'm doing (when its a good working environment). I think I will also be more careful about who I choose to work with. However, that is easier said than done. Choices are limited.

Life as I Know It

I certainly don't write enough for my own good. Its been therapy and a creative outlet for me since I was a teen. But, Lord knows how many times I've gotten myself into trouble by writing what I thought needed to be read--you know, expressing my thoughts; trying to passionately prove some kind of point; wanting to encourage someone or give advice; venting frustration through humor and sarcasm (this one gets me into trouble the most). Today it just feels confusing. I have way to many thoughts and concerns flooding my mind.

My rehearsal season is going full throttle and I'm only feeling loosely connected to the people who know me best. Its been busy busy busy so I'm not getting a full "download" from my friends, nor are they getting mine. I think about all the kids I know who've gone off to college for their first year and are feeling a similar loss of connection. Everything is new and different and they are now in a position where its time to develop some new relationships. And that just doesn't happen overnight so there's a gap. And it doesn't feel completely comfortable and connected yet. Of course, once I get comfortable with my new "circle" the production suddenly comes to an end and the rug is pulled out from under all my newly developed friendships, which leaves me to try reconnecting with my tried and true friends for a brief moment, only to start all over with a new cast and new set of rehearsals. VICIOUS CYCLE!!

Anyway, my youngest of six (Caleigh) is in 9th grade now!!!!! She's not the only one left at home presently, but come winter, my two oldest boyz (Luke and Nate) will be off on their adventures, Not sure what adventure Anika will decide upon, Jennah and Liz are off at college... so it may just be Caleigh and the dogs left at home for Terry and I. WEIRD! I'm sure its good that my schedule is filled for the year.

I'm finally leaving the organist/pianist/vocalist position at the Methodist church. Its been nine years and 5 pastors. The memberships remains a solid 20 people and I'm ready to return to more of the style of worship I enjoy. One of the pastors a few years back, wanted to bring the more modern approach of music and teaching to the Methodist congregation, however, it really didn't go over very well. It was unlike anything they knew and he was rather abrupt about it. Some of the younger crowd actually loved having a modern style of music and a modern day message which challenged their walk of faith, but those other ones who have been around for years and years held on tight to certain traditions and passionately resisted the change, or at least they didn't understand it and made noise about it, so the underlining battle ensued. It wasn't pretty in the end. Ugh! So, pastor #5 has been plugging away these past 2 years, trying to help the church to grow, but I'm done! A few more Sundays to go and I will officially be out. Truth be told, its never easy for me, at any church. I've been around the block. I've seen and experienced a lot--both amazing and awful and everywhere in between. I'm not sure what I want to do next or what God wants me to do at this point. But I know that I am spiritually dry and want to return to a place of richness that I've known in my personal walk of faith. Worship through music has been a big part of my connection to God. Not sure how to get back... or discover the newness of it. But I will say this as a side note: trying to present a style of modern worship music to a group of people who are completely unaccustomed to anything besides hymns may just end up feeling like a "funeral dirge" to them. Yah, that's what someone said yesterday about their experience with it 3 years ago. I kind of felt spanked! I'm sure I'll understand it all better when I'm 80. Hopefully I will also remember how I feel about it now, at (almost) 49.

I have many other things to write about, but this is enough. I have to go practice more on the two musical scores I'm rehearsing for this fall season. First Date runs Oct 13-30 and Catch Me if You Can runs Nov 4-13. I will have six straight weeks without a SINGLE night off. I'm scared.

P.S. This is one of the views we saw back in August when we dropped Liz off to college in San Diego--Point Loma Nazarene University. This is her campus. AMAZING!

Lonely vs. Alone Time

One of these are welcomed, but not so much the other.

Having a very busy schedule for the past several months has definitely kept me from feeling lonely. I was told on several different occasions that the cast and production team likes how I work, that I make the work fun and enjoyable, that the cast really likes me (with the added indication that its not always that way with music directors). My response was usually something to the tune of, "Well, maybe its because I truly like people." Not to mention that I enjoy teaching harmonies and working hard with the peeps until they get it. Its never a waste of my time, but apparently not every music director feels that way.

My musicals are finished for the season. My upcoming musicals have an audition at the end of June for a Nov show and an audition at the beginning of Aug for an Oct show. Its something to prepare for, but at the moment I'm taking a breather--forced, though it may be. I have done well to fill my time with end-of-the-year events at school [note picture above which was spontaneous yesterday]. Being that I'm on child number 5 and 6 still remaining in school, the events are... maybe a bit predictable! and the pictures mostly the same as the former years, just with different kids. I celebrate with them, but its not very fresh for me. However the dunk tank was new!!!! HAHAH

I really love having my older kids all home for the summer. They are so much fun and quite beautiful to look at if I don't say so myself. Still waiting for Jennah to return home from Zambia in a week from now. That's when the house will really be jammed packed. Then we are on to graduation for Elizabeth (June 24th) and SUMMER!! Yayyyy... I say yay, but truth be told, the kids all work like crazy, so we don't really have dinners together, and Terry and I have been too busy for hosting parties. Which means, I really miss my dear friends whom I've rarely seen all winter. I miss my kids as I mainly see them ducking in and ducking out. I miss my husband cuz we are like two ships passing in the night. I miss my work and the people I've made friends with in the various casts--in which we have had many laughs together. The only consistent companions I've had for months now are my dogs and they are very one-track minded. "Take me to the beach and throw me a stick." So, I'm scared about summer. Who am I really connected with anymore? How hard is it going to be to get back to the "real" stuff. Have my cronies decided they can't take the long absence of time and moved on. I know I've felt that way about friends I've been close to who would drop off the face of the earth for a while and then reappear. It was difficult for me to hold on very tightly to those people... and now maybe I'm that person... (except I share a lot of what I'm actually doing on social media. I've definitely NOT disappeared).

Some daze, like today, I wonder why my life is always in a state of change. And on these lonely daze I wonder if its really worth it. Truth be told, I would be bored senseless to have the repeated pattern day after day, month after month, year after year. I'm inspired by the ongoing challenges, the learning and growing, the newly opened doors and especially the new friendships. But once the shows close, those new friendships lose touch. Always! What I don't like is the grieving period and the anxiety of feeling lonely. There is no one to grieve with me. The connections with friends are all scrambled and choppy and awkward. I have to work through it on my own. I'm too tired and down to fight through and re-establish things when I'm have this kind of day--weeks really.

So, I've picked back up with my classical music. Getting reacquainted with Mozart, Beethoven, Schumann, Debussy, Chopin, Ravel, Brahms and others, has been a great activity to keep me feeling grounded when I'm sad. And as much as I stumble through this music, which literally got put on the shelf for 25 years, I do wish I could share it with someone.  The family hears me practicing. I don't even know what they think. Am I annoying them greatly or do they appreciate me getting back in the saddle? (One of my kids actually did mention in a mother's day card, his great appreciation of what I gave up for all the years to take care of them and how inspirational its been to see me take off in a career now. My late-in-life career. That acknowledgement touched me deeply.)

I need the give-and-take with humans. All my work is about give-and-take. All my ridiculous amounts of social media and trying to stay connected with people is about give-and-take: a mutual exchange. That's how I'm wired. That's what I need. Its times like these where I would love to have someone draw me out, someone who gets me and understands what goes on inside of my head at this point--especially in this seasonal transition from "way busy" to "nothing." But you know what... everyone has their own lives. And most people are a lot less public then I am. They figure I've put all my information out there for everyone to see and yet they don't know that there are still things about me that I'm not sharing. I know. I know. I don't leave much of a mystery... but don't judge me! You be you and I'll be me.

I could shut it all down and pull out of everything. I could stop all my sharing. See if anyone notices... Try to regroup. Yea right!!! LOL. I hate when other people do that. Its like, not letting anyone know its your birthday coming and expecting everyone to magically remember, once it arrives. (That rarely works). I'm a lot more direct. I love to know things about people. I ask questions. I study people. I'm curious about what makes a person tick and also about what makes me tick. And basically, I tell people the things I want them to know about me. None of this "sideways "stuff.

So, if you have some encouragement or want to share something with me, that would be great. If not, that's fine too. I'm gonna go take some alone time now. FORCED ALONE TIME. wah waaaah.

#KarenTheQueenof2K16

#karenthequeenof2k16

That hashtag is a title the East Hampton high school cast gave me this year.  LOL! It was my first time with them music directing for their production. No wonder I love them all dearly. I'm pretty sure they love me too. HAHA.  I have thoroughly enjoyed working with them and now that the back-to-back productions at EHHS have come to an end, I'm blocking out that dreaded feeling where the blackhole sucks me into the abyss.

OK. That is overly dramatic. And, anyway I get to have a few of my top notch favorites for another week, over at the Bridgehampton School, as they are performing along with another cast in our BHS production of Little Shop of Horror's. Opens this weekend.  (Eeeeek)

I've been super busy with my late-in-life youngish career as a music director. I seem to bounce from production to production these daze. I love it. I'm also exhausted, but that's a price I'm willing to pay.  Surely, the open door has been given to me now, after raising a gazillion kids, to help me cross into this new phase of life where my kids are growing up into adulthood. My oldest is turning TWENTY FIVE in June!!! WHAT???!!!! I cherish these high school kids in my heart. However, my time is not only spent with high school student, but middle school, as well as adults. This coming year I have an opportunity to work with 4th graders on a show. I haven't yet accepted that offer as I write, and I wonder if that will not be quite as fun... I've worked with the younger age groups in week-long camps. I think that's more exhausting that what I'm doing now.

Every cast is different from the next. Every ending of a show has a different impact on me. Most times, I am halfway (or further) into the next show as one finishes up, so its a bit of a relief to be done with one to free up more time for the next. But as I sit here pondering about last year, when I juggled three shows which were all very dear to my heart, it was tough to come to the end of the 3rd one and have nothing to fill my schedule but catch-up work. Who wants to clean a house after coming to the end of a long run of shows. Uhh...  NO THANK YOU!!!

You wanna know the hardest part for me? Its becoming friends and forming bonds with the cast and the directors and then having our forced meeting times end suddenly! All at once, the friends I've been spending 4-5 days a week for 2 months straight, have returned to their "normal" lives and the adjustment is tough. Or maybe just weird. (or sometimes the end of a torturous experience). Sure, we  may try to reconnect. We may attempt to meet up for a get-together after a month, but it doesn't usually work out, or its not the same combination of people.  We move on--and learn to live with the fact that the only time we may see each other again is at some other show where mutual friends  performing.

I will miss this gang of kiddos and especially the 20+ graduating seniors!!!

And so,...

My loyal, royal subjects of EHHS, I bid thee farewell! Meet me on the other side. Don't throw away your shot! History has its eyes on you. Its quiet uptown.

Your Obedient Servant,

K (dot) Hoch

The Crash

Its no mystery that I'm a people person. Its also no secret that I thrive on a busy schedule (as long as my busyness involves having connection with people). My life has been full of people and busyness over the past many months. 

In June, our fourth child graduated from high school Valedictorian. 

In August, we had an amazing adventure to Alaska together with two other couples and a few kids. 

A week after that trip we sent said daughter off to her first year in college 2500 miles away. 

Also we had a family wedding to attend in North Carolina and another daughter to kiss goodbye for her third year 2000 miles away at college. 

September meant school began again with only two kids left to graduate. 

Columbus weekend was another family wedding in Maine. 

September also gave me some decisions to make. I was asked to music direct three musicals. I was already locked into one, when the next one I normally have done, was switched from the spring to the fall. I thought it would be crazy to take on two shows at the same time, but then the third show I've been doing for four consecutive years, also was suddenly switched from the spring to the fall. Now I was left to see if there was any possibility to swing three. Finances were a motivating factor with two in college. So, after much prayer, deliberation and calendar crunching, I decided to go for it. Its not a decision I regret. I didn't regret it once.

Here are a few pics...

Super fun pit band for "The World Goes Round" and the Director

Fabulous Cast whom I miss dearly

Great show with the school kids

Cast, Crew, Director, and me

Joy of my heart to see them grow so much

Performances for The World Goes Round ran for three weekends (12 shows). That was an all-music show, which got amazing reviews. I was so proud of the work!!! Loved the cast and it was an all-around great experience. I suffered great disappointment that so few of my friends and family came out. People who aren't performers don't seem to understand...

Fame was my show with the Sag Harbor middle school (sorry no pics) which was challenging to pull together but it went great, and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, the Bridgehampton high school show also was fabulous. These two shows both performed on the same weekend, which was the following weekend after closing World. I played the piano for the high school show and someone else played for the middle school show. Basically, my life revolved around practicing music for 3-4 hours in the morning while accomplishing my other office work, trying to get some kind of food in the crockpot, walking the dog, then running to rehearsals for one show and on the rehearsals for one of the other shows and getting home around 10pm, every week day for 10 weeks. We also had a fall youth retreat on one of the weekends in October where I was one of the speakers. It was busy. Exhausting. Exhilarating!!!

I knew the end was coming. I knew it was going to be quite an abrupt halt. I even warned the people around me that I was worried about it, because it's all very emotional; the highs from the successful performances. to the let down of it being over, to the pile-up of uninspiring work on the home front that needs to be tackled, to the utter boredom and sense of uselessness because the thrill and hard work and inspiration is gone. Oh, and did I mention the disappointments that start plaguing the mind, about people who didn't care enough to come out for the shows, or other various things that spring up to have to battle?

For me, more than anything, its the sudden lack of connection with the many people I've bonded with and taught music to for several weeks; its the lack of motivation to practice, because there's nothing challenging on the horizon to work towards; its the end of three major projects with very little to fill the void.

The depression and blues try to take over. Those closest, don't understand. And I mean CLUELESS!! I fade away into the background, because I suddenly can't connect to people easily with all the roller-coaster of emotion I'm working through. Its literally a grieving process. Seems silly, but it can't be helped. And then, there's the people who say, "I bet its a relief that its all over!" NO!!! Its not. I feel lost.

Having Thanksgiving holiday right now does not help. Having three of my six children somewhere else in the world and not home, does not help. Having none of my extended family to spend the meal together with, adds fuel to the sadness. I CAN find things to be thankful for, of course, but sadness is what I'm really feeling.

I'm making plans to start teaching privately again. I wish I felt more excited about it. I guess I like project-oriented stuff. There are plenty of things in my life that I do, regularly, for work. Some weeks I like what I'm doing just fine or at least I don't mine it. Other weeks it is painful and a drudgery, but I keep going. I keep moving forward. ITS NOT INSPIRATIONAL! Not everything has to be, however, I'm an artist. I am motivated by doing things that require my creative abilities--and when they are running full throttle, it motivates me to get all the less inspiring things accomplished, as well. It keeps me in a good place mentally. My soul is fed. This is how I am wired.

So, for now I'm a bit lost. It won't last forever. Its just something I must work through. I was just about to start rehearsals this coming week for an original play to be performed in January, but wouldn't you know, there was a scheduling conflict that caused me to decline the role. Its hitting me kind of hard and I'm a little angry. There are reasons for that, but it was my own choice to forego the play. I could have chosen to do it and skip out on one of the conflicts. Instead, I am "dying to self" on this one... and I don't like "dying to self." If I felt I was making the choice because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe I'd be ok about it. Instead, I just feel like my needs aren't always that important... or maybe they just aren't understood. But then again, maybe I don't need what I think I need to be a person who makes a difference in this world.

I'll need to keep taking trips to the beach so at least Peppermint will be happy. Pepper's needs are important, too.

Drama! Drama! Drama!

Here's the cast singing their final song of the show "If Just One Person Believes in You"

Opening song "The World According to Snoopy" with Jennah playing Snoopy

That's me (Schroeder), playing the Overture

Here they are singing one of my favorites "Edgar Allen Poe." Lizzy is in the middle playing Charlie Brown.

"The Vigil" being sung by Linus with Snoopy and Woodstock staying with him in the patch until the Great Pumpkin arrives.

The peanuts gang see all kinds of shapes in the clouds for the song "Clouds" and poor Chuck gets sung over every time he tries to say what he sees. Cute number.

What a fabulous time we had preparing for the show and performing it.  Its become super clear to me that kids have (we all have) plenty of drama in our lives, but it makes such a difference to have the opportunity to express it on stage. Its a lot more positive to be dramatic and express emotions and thoughts in a show, than to create ridiculous drama in real life with senseless scenarios, potentially bringing others down for no good reason. There are lots of people who absolutely NEED drama in their lives. They are addicted to it even. Its dysfunction at its finest. I say, "Do yourself a favor and get involved with theater!!" It takes a lot more commitment and character to apply yourself in theater, than to stir up trouble among your community. However, self created drama is easier and more natural. It doesn't require character development, so the people who truly need to find a better outlet for their drama, usually won't find the theater. Its sad but true. Sometimes, some of the most emotional and dramatic kids really only need an outlet to perform, where they can receive attention in a positive way. Other kids won't take that step, and they will ultimately grow up demonstrating dysfunction in all of their relationships. They will teach it to their children as well.

Don't get me wrong, there is a ton of dysfunction among performers as well, but just think of what those crazy theater people would be like if they didn't even have the stage as an outlet. HOLY COW THAT WOULD BE BAD!!! hahaha All I'm saying is that there are a lot of kids who need the opportunity to perform in the dramatic arts. And its wonderful that the Bridgehampton School is providing that opportunity for its students now. Hooray!

Anyway, "coming down" from this show is going to be tough, even personally for me. I've spent countless hours working on the music and a bunch of other aspects for this program. Its been a great time for me!!! Its what I enjoy doing. Terry asked me what the next big thing was that we should be getting ready for. All I could come up with was Jennah's graduation, which isn't until the end of June. There must be something ELSE happening in between!!!  Not just the mundane regular stuff... (Oh wait. I just thought of something).

It Was All So Very Exciting

So only 3 weeks after Christmas my 5th child (Lizzy) has a birthday. Two weeks later, my 6th child (Caleigh) has a birthday. And then, two weeks after that my 2nd child (Nate) has one also. So, where most people get a lull in their schedules over the winter months, ours is full... and somewhat stressful.

Lizzy turned 16 this past week. She's a child who doesn't ever demand anything, really, but... ASKS for everything. I told her she has a gift! Its become apparent that people WANT to give her the things she asks for. I don't know why. The night before she turned 16, her two besties "surprise decorated" her bedroom while her sister took her out shopping as a distraction.

Then they gave her a Michael Kor watch $$$ and brought her over to a friends to make sure they all celebrated her birth, once it was midnight.

The next day she had her besties hanging with her all day long and later, got to have her birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant together with them (and me).

This was a good plan, because while we were eating out, her other friends were gathering at our house to surprise her when we got home. Poor Terry was sicker than a dog, so he stayed in the bedroom mostly.

She was very surprised and delighted to be loved and cheered. The friends stuck around for a while, had ice cream cake, gave her the big time spanking machine and then went home because it was a school night.

The next day I was picking Lizzy and Caleigh up early from school to go into the city to see Wicked for their birthdays... only... a BIG snowstorm was forecast (8-12" with blizzard conditions). I went through all the scenarios for several hours throughout the morning as the snow began to fall about 2 hours earlier than predicted. Ayi yi yi. Here's how it went on FB. (Idea stolen from Just Mom's blog).

January 20 Karen Taking the birthday girls to see Wicked tomorrow. Hoping the "impending doom" won't ruin our plans. 

January 21 Karen First I will take emergenC to to boost the immune system. Then some quiet time and reading. Next a shower and off to work before lunch. (And snow). Then it's kids pickup and heading to NYC to see Wicked. Maybe we will make it home tonight or maybe not.   

January 21 Karen So far I've already vered greatly from the said plan.

January 21 at 2:41pm Karen It went more like this... drank cup of water, took down bday decorations downstairs, took down decorations upstairs, switched over laundry, gather 4 more loads of laundry from Lizzy's room, vacuumed all the confetti from the entire house (confetti is of the devil!!), had a cup of emergenC, bowl of cereal, cup of coffee, quiet time and reading, more laundry, walked the dogs, did a little office work (very little), post office, school pick up, and then decided to take the train and get a hotel. Will we arrive to the Gershwin theater in time??? Ayi yi yi.

January 21 Karen It's snowing.

                 

January 21 at 1:58pm Karen I think we've added another person to our count. She wants the adventure.
January 21 at 2:21pm · Karen Jennah is coming too. woohoo
January 21 Karen New plan. We're taking the train and staying overnight in a hotel. Say a prayer. This had better be the best performance evah!             

January 21 at 2:33pm Joan Great idea, I was thinking about you driving to NYC today on my treacherous drive to Springs.January 21 at 2:36pm Karen I hope we make it in time. 

January 21 Karen We are on the train. 

January 21 Karen The conductor just announced a delay due to equipment trouble. Agh

January 21 Karen Oh Jesus please. We don't have time for delays. 

Karen Moving again. This is stressful. 
Paula You have 3hours ...right? Curtain at8.
January 21 at 5:01pm · Like
Karen  Curtain at 7 waaaahhhh
January 21 at 5:02pm · Like
Karen This happened to us before when going to see Miranda. Her show was only an hour and we missed the first 20 minutes because of train delaysJanuary 21 at 5:03pm · Like
Paula You are still in okay shape....it will be great...and you'll have a fun story!
January 21 at 5:04pm · Unlike · 1
Paula I wrote that before I knew you missed 20min...
January 21 at 5:04pm · Like
Karen At least wicked is 2hr20m!!
January 21 at 5:09pm · Like · 1
Melanie  Hopefully they still show it.
January 21 at 5:15pm · Like
Karen  The show must go on but I wouldn't mind if they held the curtain for us.
January 21 at 5:22pm · Like 

Paula Are uou there yet???
January 21 at 6:46pm · Like
Todd There will be singing, dancing, jazz hands...you'll catch up. Have fun!
January 21 at 6:47pm · Unlike · 2

Karen  We are late. Only at Jamaica
January 21 at 7:01pm · Like
Sohailah Oh Karen. Blech.
January 21 at 7:05pm · Like
Paula  Oh dear...

January 21 at 7:10pm · Like 

Karen  Not even at penn station yet
January 21 at 7:02pm · Like
PatriciaOh man!
January 21 at 7:39pm · Like  

January 22  Karen So we had a lovely 4 hour train ride to the city. Many mechanical problems took place to get us to Penn station an hour late. Missed the show but our tix will be honored for another date. We ate dinner at Rice and Beans on 9th Ave and 51st. It was amazing!!! Staying the night in a pricey hotel.

January 22 Karen So this is what ended up doing. Cake Boss!

January 22 Karen This about sums it up. We are catching the train home. Watch video

January 22 Karen These two beauties and Mr Buttcrack photo bombing in the background.

So Lizzy enjoyed the whole thing. SHE LOVES NYC and wants to live there. Caleigh is only happy to hear that we can see Wicked only a few short daze after her Super Bowl birthday. So there you go. The Karenkool adventures.