It's Just How I'm Wired

I know that people use that phrase as a "cop out" for their stupid behavior because they'd rather not better themselves but make excuses about being a poorly behaved human being. That isn't how or why I'm using the phrase. I do (almost) always want to better myself. I truly want to be a decent, kind, caring, godly person. There is a constant desire to repair my mistakes or at least find the root of a problem that causes me to fall and ask God to help me change. I know where my help comes from.

Let me say that this has been a weird and challenging stage in my life. I'm in a transition state--I'm between things which bring a lot of angst and joy and anxiety and excitement--so my focus on the spiritual things hasn't been completely fervent. But that's life. For me personally, things are always moving and shaking, which causes a lot of ideas and emotions to swing back and forth in the journey. I've learned to just keep walking through the stormy times and it will right itself. The path will be made clear once again. I just have to keep myself from giving up and laying down in a mud puddle of misery or frustration.

Many events over the past several daze were stressing me out, not necessarily bad stress, just stress. But now that they have happened it feels good to have them out of the way.  Here are a photos from a few of the events.

BANQUET

Liz went to her boyfriend's senior banquet. We parents who were taking lots of pics all piled into the RV with them to drop them off at their destination (which was clever and hilarious and inexpensive). I enjoyed being a part of that and taking over 600 pictures--have mercy!

The parents--taking a cheesy prom pic. Sohailah stepped in for Terry who was unable to come along.

Here they are... The DREAM TEAM!! Too much fun.

GRADUATION

My FIFTH child of six graduated from high school. She was definitely the happiest graduate on stage and so excited to be done with the high school life.

This was her celebratory chicken dance to get her diploma. haha Love this girl.

We all made it to the graduation (including one set of grandparents and my college roommate). Not only is that a feat in itself with a family of 8 but the fact that graduation happens at the end of June when the Hamptons come alive, means its difficult for them to get a weekend day off from work. So cheers to everyone for making it out to celebrate with our Lizzy and Michael.

My boyz! Birthdays are big this year.  Terry just received his AARP card in the mail--50!!! and Luke should see a reduction in is car insurance rates starting today--25!!!! Woohoo discounts all around. Happy birthday!!

Our Michael also graduated and was the second happiest on stage immediately after Liz. haha. Michael lives with us as part of our family. We love him dearly.

His other family loves him dearly, too. We are all so proud of our graduates.

It was bedlam after the ceremony, trying to get all the pictures I wanted, but as usual, we were the last to leave the school grounds.

Next up, party at the Hochstedler's, only a few daze away. I have to keep taking deep breaths and not letting myself feel panicked about it. Really?! Who cares if things aren't perfect--its a freakin pool party that's going to have great food and good times together!!! The work overwhelms me a bit and we've been so busy all spring that its been difficult to have any time to get our back yard looking decent. I'm not even aiming for perfect... just decent.

PARTING THOUGHTS 
...on another note, cuz its still bothering me

I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt, hoping to receive the same in turn.  I teach my kids to try to do this also, but share with them that there may come a time in life when its wise to avoid pa person who is not safe to have in your life. I aim to be a safe person for other people to have in their life, but that can't always be the case, so c'est ce que c'est. There are seasons. When I need a break from a person (which doesn't happen often), I don't expect anyone else to jump on my bandwagon. I think that is just dumb. Its been the struggle for a few of my 6 kids who have all gone to this teeny tiny K-12 public school in Bridgehampton, but boy isn't that the worst part about high school drama? The person who feels they need to get everyone to jump on with their offense, so that the one person really feels punished. Talk about bullying. I'm not a fan.

My 4 older kids who have gone on into their adult lives encourage the younger two that college life and beyond is sooooo much better. And it really is. However, truth be told, that nonsense can still happen anywhere at any time. Adults can purposely or inadvertently ostracize a youth, a friend or co-worker, etc. I'm not even above it, regardless of how much I hate the scenario. Its something to watch for in myself for sure. Maybe we all should watch for it. This has come at me from so many directions lately but I think I just need better sleep.

THE END

Epilogue: Here's my bestie, Sohailah, roomie from college daze. I was so happy to have her around this whole past week. She knows me and gets it when I'm stressed. And sees when I'm pained about something and is a genuine support to me. I appreciate her immensely.

My College Girls

What will this summer behold? Last summer I had all six kids at home. We even had a few nights where all of us were sitting at the dinner table together. But since two of my girls have been away all school year, and the two boys are off doing there own grown-up things, its rare for us to have even four of us home for dinner. We've had to adjust the amount of food that is made. And its not the same without everyone.

Things change.

I'm proud of my girls!!

Anika is about to complete her junior year at Flagler college. Its been a journey for her, to figure out what degree she really wants to have when she graduates. It started out as psychology with a minor in art, but thanks to an awful psychology teacher during her second semester, she decided it was not for her. She became "undecided" for another year and a half, and then landed on international studies as her declared major (with a minor in art). Finally, at the end of her first semester of the junior year, it was decided. This was very exciting for her. She would need to complete a study abroad program in order to finish her degree plan, which didn't leave much time, as the school recommend not doing that during your final year of school. So it was going to have to take place this summer and January 30th was the deadline for applying for the study abroad program of choice. We found a program independently, and it was going to be an amazing (if not expensive) educational and spiritual adventure. We were all very excited... until the committee at her school turned it down. Sadness!! With that news, it was too late to find another study abroad option, so she decided to switch her degree plan to political science (with a minor in art). She would be able to finish on time by taking the additional summer term over the next six weeks. Its all very exciting!


Honestly, Anika probably should have gone with art as her major from the beginning. Her artwork is fantastic and she loves it. She's also great with languages and really has a passion to travel. Who knows what is in store for this girl?! There is so much potential.

Jennah is finishing her first year at Oral Roberts University. Its both Terry's and my alma mater. We loved it there. She loves it there. She's studying musical theatre and seems very content with her course study. Of course, I don't hear much from her ALL YEAR!!! ...a few texts... maybe 2-3 phone calls PER SEMESTER!!!! I miss her, and will be happy to have her home, but she is my super independent child. I have a few other kids like her. Actually, all my kids are all pretty independent. It kind of depends on their various stages in life. Some like to stay in touch more than others. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that they don't need me so much. Of course, that comes in stages, too. But I've definitely done my best together with Terry to teach them how to grow up and become independent.

Its a weird point in life for me. I still have two younger ones in middle and high school.  Those two don't need a huge amount of constant attention. But they are growing up so fast. Liz will be a senior this next year and Caleigh will be in 8th grade. Even though all of my kids are still somewhat financially dependent, its getting very close for a few of them to be completely on their own (being on your own in the Hamptons in nearly impossible! for all of us). I don't want an empty nest (especially if that means I am the one responsible to clean the whole house). AGHHHHHH!!! I don't mind a few of them living with us indefinitely--they can pay rent and even get married  and have some grand babies. Wouldn't it be fun? Hahah

So Jennah comes home this weekend. YAY! And at the end of June I fly down to Anika in FL, to drive back with her. We are going to IN to visit family and then the summer will really be kicking in. We expect some visit from family over the summer. Fun times. Hope the septic tank holds after 15 years. LOL.

Adrenaline

Let's see. This is one BIG TIME week in Jennah's senior year of high school.

First, on Monday was her volleyball team's championship play-off game for Class D title.

Second, on Tuesday was her driver's test.

Third, on Wednesday, this entailed flying the friendly skies for the first time BY HERSELF to attend a college weekend 1500 miles away, which included a very quick layover/gate change in Chicago. Oh the nerves.

Fourth, which wasn't as stressful as the other things, was staying in a dorm room with people she's never met. No sweat.

Fifth, Thursday morning was having a live interview which included writing an essay on a surprise topic in order to compete for a very important scholarship.

Sixth and Seventh, on Friday, is a piano & music theory placement exam and then auditions for the musical theatre department with a song from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Once all of that is behind her, she may be able to enjoy the rest of her college weekend... what's left of it.

This morning, I began to feel like I should have gone out there with her to help give her the support she probably needed. But nope! She has her big girl pants on this weekend. I don't know how many other girls her age could have done what she's in the middle of!! I'm a proud mama.  So what, the volleyball team lost the championship game. They came from the very bottom last year to obtain second place in Class D against a school who has won the division for the past 13 years straight. So what, she failed her first driver's test. So do about 40% of the people who have taken it on LI for the first time. She was a bundle of nerves before she even started and just not quite ready. Please note, unlike the picture above, she did NOT hit anything or cause any accidents. LOL 

Everything else after the driver's test has gone much better, so far. The interview went well. She can breathe easy the rest of today and get ready for #6 and #7 tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted.

Talk about Schooling Somebody

(If you don't understand the reference in the title go back one post and read that first--hah).

One of my daughters has been having a difficult year in school. I've heard the words, "I want to be home schooled"several times so far. And also "our school is too small. I want to go to Pierson." Or "I'm failing chemistry... I just don't get pre-cal... I hate school." But she keeps going and keeps trying to grasp what she can. My husband has told her to work hard while keeping the next exciting thing that's coming up as the goal  i.e. Thanksgiving cruise in 25 days.  That's what he does. Whenever that next vacation comes it is WELL DESERVED and MUCH NEEDED!!! Won't be long now.

As a parent, navigating our teenager's emotional roller coaster ride can be one of the greatest challenges. Sometimes, they have a passing meltdown that just needs to be listened to, or tolerated without getting annoyed, or maybe it should even be ignored because once its over its over. Other times there is a real attack going on against their emotional health and overall well being. They need help! During those delicate times is when negative beliefs can solidify in their hearts; wrong mindsets can be established; destructive vows sometimes are made which can stick with them for years to come. These are the times to step in with some necessary tools to help them gain a clearer understanding about what's happening. They can benefit from gentle leading and will absolutely benefit from tons of prayer. There is victory for them in getting to the other side of the dessert or the mountain or the valley of despair. Sometimes they do need an advocate to step in and help fight their battle. Sometimes they want nothing to do with us.

So how do we know which is which and when to do what?

Well, I've crafted some special dice to roll, different ones for each kid, which helps me decide. HAH! Nah. I try to listen closely and I've worked hard to sharpened my intuitional skills over the years. That coupled with prayer usually keeps me tuned in to what's really going on. Although... its still a bit of a crap shoot.

I hope I'm on the right track this time. As for the school issues, this mama bear is calling for some adjustments to be made for one of her cubs. (Ooooh but you should hear papa bear--haha). I've had quite the emotional ups and downs over at the school as a parent, and if you want to know the honest truth, its been nice to distance myself from the place these past 3 years. Sending six kids all through the same super small, k-12, public school can cause a parent to run out of steam and not be quite as engaged after 10 years  7 years. However, I still have 7 more years to go before they've all graduated!! I'm only a little more than halfway through. At least the last 4 years will be only one child in the school, rather than the time when I had all six in the same building AND I was PTO secretary/president plus volunteer PR person and lots more. Its was fun for a while, but then some things broke me and I had no desire to return.

Hoping this situation works out beautifully for my girl and that she might be able to start enjoying her educational process once again. God only knows what is yet ahead.

P.S. I was invited in a group email, to a friend's house for a medium reading (that's never happened before). Hey!!! Maybe the medium can consult the dead and those souls will know what's ahead for us. HAHA kidding kidding, I'm totally not into that scene. I was quite surprised about the invitation.

Not My Favorite Season

I've never much cared for Halloween! I do however like Snoopy. I had a stuffed Snoopy when I was young that I carried around with me everywhere, probably for several years straight. Before Snoopy, it was the blankey and finger sucking, but Snoopy must have helped me give those things up. Good Ole Snoopy!!And now I am hoping for Snoopy: the Musical to be chosen for the Bridgehampton school musical this year. It could happen. I would be excited.

As for the season of fall... I've never been a huge fan. It can be beautiful with the changing leaves, but its can also be a bit dreary and the colors can, on some years, be kind of brown. I guess it depends where you live and what kind of trees are local. The sugar maples are always AMAZING, but we don't have a ton of those growing here. The scrub oaks are what we have tons of, and they tend to turn brown if there is the least bit of rain during the changing of colors. BOOOO!! I want vibrant reds, oranges and yellows please. And I want them to stay for a while... long enough for me to get out there with my camera.

I did get out there this past weekend to get a few pics of Jennah. She's a beauty!

But back to the subject at hand, I don't really like the smell of the falling leaves, either. I've never appreciated that smell. I love the smell of springtime and SUMMER!!!!! Not so much fall and winter. And the leaves on the ground look so messy to me. Please don't make me go out and blow the leaves or rake them up. There will be a ton more to do again next week... and the next. I'd rather mow the grass twice a week, then rake leaves. The scent of fresh cut grass vs. decomposing leaves? There's a definite winner there.

And should I even mention Halloween? My dear friend, Sohailah and I, back in our college daze, always referred to it as Hell-o-ween, but that name is actually taken. (It's a German heavy metal band from the google search I just did). Anyway, I'm not a sour puss about Halloween, I just really don't care for it very much. I love a great scare, but I don't get what all the celebration is about. However, I would get a kick out of having an adult Halloween dress-up party with my friends. I can't do it this year because of the show performances, but maybe next year. HAH!

So there you have it. I just thought I'd share another very "informative" blog post with you fine readers.

P.S. As of this morning, Nate is back home from visiting his sister down in St. Augustine for a week. He'll be leaving the country for 3 months in another week from now. I'm gonna miss my boy. I already miss my Florida girl. I can hardly imagine how life will feel come next August, when another daughter will be college bound. :-|

My Girl

Of course, I have several girls, but today Jennah gets featured. I call her my girl because she has her mother's resemblance the most out of all of them. She's definitely taller than me and probably smarter... (I have the experience over her, but she enjoys studying and homework, which was never the case with me).

Here she is with her cousin's baby boy, Jonnie Trace, who looks very much like his dad who is latino.

So this has been a big week.

First point of news: Jennah's high school volleyball team has made it to playoffs which start next week. Today's game will determine who they will play first in the sudden death tournament (or however that works). I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed watching her develop her game over the years. She started in 7th grade and has stuck with it through all the ups and downs. Her hard work has paid off. She's consistent and their team just keeps getting better. Six seniors will be moving on after this season. I hope the remaining and upcoming players for next season find their rhythm quickly.

Second piece: Jennah was accepted to Oral Roberts University two daze ago. That's where she wants to attend. That's the only school she planned on applying to, in spite of all the dissenting voices around her. Its not that peers and guidance counselors think she shouldn't go there, they just thought she needed to broaden her options. But when you know, you know. Anyway, she's already been accepted and its only October. Think about what a stress reliever that is, not to have to go through all that rigamarole of applications and worry and having too many options and not knowing where or what or how. Now all we need to figure out is the HOW! Its not cheap, but we know that everything will be provided when its all said and done.

In November, when she heads to Oklahoma for a college weekend, she has an interview for the Whole Person Scholarship and will also audition for the musical theatre department. She'll be doing this all by herself. I remember auditioning for the music department when I was visiting for a college weekend, but my parents were there, too. We aren't going out there with her. So GO JENNAH!!! She's a brave soul. There isn't much that causes her to shrink away from doing something she wants to do.
(She does, however, shrink away from answering her phone and doing the household chores assigned. It may be the her only weakness). HAHAH

Thirdly: This is her senior year. Holy Moley. Some things in her line up, to make this year count for all its worth, she will audition for the neighboring school's musical, which is Chorus Line. Auditions are in November. Her own school also has a musical which will be auditioning in March. Its not determined which one they are doing yet, but she will definitely have some kind of featured part. I think she got the theater bug!!! She's pretty much a shoe in for Valedictorian of her class. Oh boy oh boy. My heart swells with pride over our children. Aren't we the lucky ones?

We are taking the girls on a cruise over Thanksgiving--a much desired adventure for Jennah. We will also visit my parents, my brother and Anika while we are there. It should be quite a whirlwind. What else can we squeeze into the picture.

I can't wait to see all that the future holds for Jennah this final year of high school... our middle child. So far its going pretty well!!! (Is there a middle when you have six)?

The Offspring

I have six.

You already know that.

How can some of them be so different in their personality make-up? The thought dawned on me this morning (again) when I dropped one of my daughters off to an empty parking lot. I asked her, "Are you sure anyone is coming?" I was ready to wait in the car with her until someone showed, but she said, "Its ok. They will be here soon. I'll just wait on the bench." (They were going to another school to watch a volleyball playoff game). I was thinking, had it been a particular other daughter of mine, she would have told me to wait there with her until someone, not just anyone, but someone with whom she felt comfortable talking to arrived. Or more likely, she would have made a friend ride there with her just to be sure she wouldn't be "alone". Of course, sometimes the differences have all to do with their stages in life and maturity levels. But its definitely ALSO personality differences. They both make my heart swell.

My boyz are so different, too. Even their particular jobs and what they do after work almost gives them a polar opposite appearance. One comes home from the marina looking like he just walked out of a GQ magazine with preppy clothes and money falling out of his pockets (haha) and then other one comes home looking like he was dragged behind the quad and the trail for two miles. When he puts his laundry through the cycles, there are usually a pocket full of wire connectors or screws clanging around in the dryer, and none of his work clothes ever come out looking clean. It makes you wonder how soon the boss is going to put in the next company tee-shirt order to get his boyz looking decent again. I enjoy both of them tremendously.

I have a daughter living on her own while attending college. She tells everyone one of us we need to come visit her. Actually we are going south to visit her around Thanksgiving, but her brother decided to find some flights and spend a week with her this month before he leaves on his winter adventures to South and Central America. As a mama it makes me so happy to see that my kids love each other and want to spend time together.

The youngest makes sure that she is included in her siblings adventures at least some of the time. She's going to end up having the best of both worlds; being loved by her siblings and yet being spoiled the most, being the last one remaining before heading off to independence.

I have to admit that I enjoy the process of watching them live their lives and dream their dreams. I'm not always happy about everything they do or feel. Seeing them grapple and struggle with life's circumstances is challenging to watch. Sometimes I try to speak into a situation or give them guidance or advice and other times I have to zip my lip and allow them to find the answers on their own. I do enjoying watching them learn and grow and discover who they are. More than anything, I want them to discover who they are meant to be; who they've been created to be. But then I remember that I'm still trying to figure that out myself, at 46 years old. I suppose its a life long process. For me anyway. I like arriving at those peaks and mountain tops in my life, but I never find satisfaction in staying there for very long. I see the next one and I want to go to it, so the journey continues...

I Don't Feel Inspired

This summer has been going well. It started off with Lyme's Disease (pooh), but we took care of that right away and I think I've recovered fairly well.

Jolene has been here for the summer, visiting from Germany. She's having the time of her life taking trips to the city, and touring around the area with her friends and even doing some side jobs to gain some extra money for college when she goes back home in September.

Anika was home from college since April. She wasted a good month not getting a job, because she had secured a job early on with a woman. babysitting everyday for the summer months, however, the job didn't start until June. I finally convinced her to go back to her old job at least until this one started and wouldn't you know, after the woman assured her it was happening, she canceled about a week before it was supposed to start. Grrrr. So Anika played amazing catch up with two and three jobs for the rest of the summer. Now she's back in Florida in her new digs right next to the beach (doh). She has her first car and took her first solo road trip... well it was solo for the last 10 hours but she shared the drive with her friend for the first 17 hours from NY to Nashville. She also has her first apartment and is going into her second year of college. She is thrilled about her life and all the new things she is learning about living on your own, and I hope she will be super responsible. Please God! Give her loads of wisdom.

I've taught two one-week-long theater camps this summer, which went well. My 15 year old, Lizzy was my assistant for one of the weeks. That was really fun to do the camp with her. She's definitely growing into her own, I've noticed. She and Jennah and Caleigh went to Word of Life camp for a week along with 4 other kids from our circle of friends and they LOVED it! They all want to go back again, and Jennah is even talking about going to Bible college for a year, but she has also revisited the idea of going to ORU which gets my vote. This is the big year for her to start figuring out what she wants to do after graduation this coming June. Can you believe I have another senior?? Holy Moley. Jennah also had a boyfriend. He is a really good guy, a ginger who stands about 10 ft tall. He just got back from a mission trip to El Salvador, building 2 houses for some needy families.

My parents were here visiting from Florida with their dog, Grace. We had a great time with them. We took a 5-day cruise together to Nova Scotia and New Brunswick and that was a lot of fun. They stayed for another week, we had a family party at the house and now they are in NC with my sister, to celebrate her birthday. She's getting REALLY old!! hahaa Also, she had a new grand baby boy as of last night. Woot woot. Welcome, Zachariah Wayne. Zachariah's daddy, Kris, was so excited for a boy this time, to go along with his one year old daughter. And he gave him his brother's namesake which is very special, too, after losing Zach at such a young age.

Caleigh and I hit the beach three times this week. It was almost the only times I've been all summer. How sad not to be at the beach all summer. People pay lots of money to come here and do just that. Oh well, It is what it is. I plan to go back for several more days before school starts again. Its pouring rain today, so I will get work done. I have homework to put together for Caleigh's teacher (who happens to be a good friend of mine). She wants a letter written by a parent about the child. Well, you can be sure she is going to get a LETTER!! Its going to be a book. I'm going to start at Caleigh's birth, include pictures and anecdotes. Hah! She'll be reading it for weeks. Maybe that will encourage her not to give the kids way too much homework this year... or it could cause the exact opposite. Oh boy. I must play this game wisely.

Well, there is the update. Lots of excitement happening, but no real motivation to blog regularly. I'm just living life.

I'm taking the youth group to Great Adventure next week. That should be a hoot. Oh and I am music directing a show which will perform in Oct. I didn't pick the show, nor did I know what it was going to be when I accepted the position. Ends up we are doing Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Ahhh gotta love a decent whorehouse. "Cuz there ain't nothin' dirty goin' on". It's certainly going to be a ride.

Not the Most Ideal Morning

We have a large, loud fan in the bedroom to cover up snoring and other noises from the kitchen, etc. Its used all winter long. I have slept a lot better with it for some time. But after a while it no longer helped me stay asleep. Now, in addition to the fan, I wear ear plugs as a sleep aid. I think I started wearing them sometime in the winter. Maybe it started even before that. Maybe its been a year already. Probably.... They work fairly well to cover the snoring produced by my favorite person and the love of my life. I don't love the snoring! But the earplugs may have helped to save a marriage (haha).

This morning... well, every morning, one of the girls will come in around 7:30 to tap me awake because they didn't catch the bus and need a ride to school. This morning there were two girls tapping me. Weird. Wait a second. Why is it already 7:55? (School starts at 7:50). They are late before they've even come in to wake me up. Lizzy's ready. I'm told Jennah doesn't feel well and wants to go to school late (which means later than the "late" they are) and Caleigh is sitting at the kitchen counter still doing the homework she failed to finish last night.

AGHHH THIS HOMEWORK IS KILLING ME!!!! Yes ME! Somehow, my 5th grader just cannot do her homework on her own and she's very slow about getting it completed and she needs help on every freaking question and she needs someone by her side keeping her focused. It becomes a mama-yelling scenario almost every other night, but that doesn't seem to help anything change. I have reached the limit. She has reached the limit. She's burnt out on school. WHY ISN'T IT SUMMER YET????

I digress.

So, Lizzy goes to the car, but I can't find one of my flip flops. PEPPERMINT!!! She likes to take shoes outside. She's been fairly good about only carrying them and not chewing on them (um... unless they have heels). But I still cannot find my other flip flop. Grrrrrrr So Lizzy is waiting in the car and meanwhile, Caleigh is still sitting at the counter trying to finish her last 3 pages of reading. "Get in the car and read in there," I say in my scolding tone. "But I feel sick when I read in the car," she claims. "Too bad!" is my unsympathetic retort. When we get to school, a mere 4 minutes away, she doesn't get out but keeps reading. So I kick her out and tell her that from now until the end of school, no TV or breaks just to veg out until homework is complete.

Honestly though, I struggle with concept of young kids being in school all day long and coming home with homework which takes them all night to complete. Where is the imagination in that? Caleigh thrives in the creative things like art (which she doesn't have this year) and music and dance. She needs time also to practice and go to lessons. And then there's still homework. With all the ridiculous about of state testing and the pressure that comes with it, she thinks that she's not good at math. She thinks she's not good at science.  And she thinks she's not good at social studies. Her grades are decent. So why are there meltdowns before every single test?? This bring me distress. I'm reevaluating (again) the education she is getting and the patterns she has been developing--the distaste towards learning new things. To me it seems like it crushes her spirit and because of the whining she gives me, I'm probably adding to it. So yeah. This is what I come home feeling like, after dropping them off.

Ten minutes later, Jennah is dressed and ready. "Mom, can you take me to school.?" OH COME ON!!! 

After dropping her off, I get home and procrastinate for another hour. As I was cleaning up the dishes from last night AFTER THE KITCHEN WAS CLEANED UP, I inadvertently poured some frying oil down the kitchen sink, thinking it was water. AGH! Annoyed, I grab a cup of coffee and check FB for a while, trying to snap out of my bad attitude from the morning so far.  I finally decide that I must make my way over to the Episcopal Church where I will be playing the organ this coming Sunday. I've not yet played at this church so I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure it will be fine, but I've yet to play the organ. That's why I planned to head over there, to practice. I was warned however that I should come early so that I didn't interfere with any meetings. Well, apparently I missed the window. I can't practice then. Meanwhile, the week is zooming by and I still haven't touched the organ yet. To be fair, the organist led me through the entire service and all the ins and outs of the organ. At least I have that to go on. One time I played for a Methodist service cold turkey having never played on that organ before. That was a bit of a scramble. Actually, I've had several occasions of cold turkey organ playing. I'm not even an organist!!! And the Catholic Mass gave me great anxiety. Why do I get so distraught about these things?!

I guess Caleigh gets her propensity for meltdowns from her mama.

I'm noticing a lot more gray in my hair. Summer can't come quick enough. I need the sun to add some natural highlights to cover.

The Ever-Changing Stages of Life

HIGH SCHOOL
I was 16 years old when I turned my life completely over to Christ. It was a radical transformation, not because I was an atheist or grew up in some abusive home or on the streets, but because I was a lukewarm pseudo christian who was trying to ride the fence of two worlds for some time. And I found myself on the wrong side of the fence a lot more than the right side. I loved to party with friends but then come across like the good girl with parents and adults. But the day came when I encountered the glory of God in a personally profound way, and basically threw myself at the feet of Jesus. I was smitten! He loved me!! I knew it right then and there, and it went beyond any kind of attention, admiration or affection I was looking for from those around me. He filled me up completely with His being and his presence. Love beyond reason! Forgiveness. Complete cleansing. Who can understand that but someone who has experienced the washing and infilling for themselves?

From that experience on, I became a follower of Jesus. I was full of passion and devotion. I was excited. I wanted to know Him more. I read my Bible everyday and was totally blown away by the things He was speaking right to the core of my soul. I journaled. I worshipped with music and song. I prayed all the time... which was more like an ongoing conversation with the Lord throughout the day. I talked about what was happening in my heart with those who would listen. I started a bible study at school. I wrote letters upon letters (because I had moved 2000 miles away from my closest friends) telling my old cronies the amazing changes that were taking place in my life. I was Radical! I've looked back at the things friends and teachers had written in my yearbooks from those two last years of high school, and apparently people were impacted by the things that God was doing in me. My joy and zest for life, my love and compassion for people, my fearless devotion to Jesus... people weren't offended, they were moved.

COLLEGE
I went to an awesome Christian University. Oral Roberts University. I LOVED IT!!! It was right where I needed to be and my faith continued to grow. I had soooo much fun at college and made amazing friends. I went on the mission field a few times and was changed dramatically by those experiences. I met the man who was to become my husband. That was a miraculously arranged marriage by the hand of God. Bringing a husband into my life, did in fact, bring a distraction into my life. My devotion was divided--not that it was wrong or that I should have remained single. God gave me the gift of an incredible husband, but there was definitely an adjustment for me and my time spent with the Lord. I can remember feeling the dilemma. I had sooo much love for my husband and sooo much love for Jesus, but the husband was a new thing for me and my attention was divided. Marriage was amazing!! It didn't take too long to work through the dilemma. God gave me Terry and I accepted. ;-)

PARENTHOOD--BABY STAGE
After a year of marriage, we were ready for babies. Our first born was well taken care of by everyone in the church and the youth in which we surrounded ourselves because of youth ministry. (Luke spit up on so many people!! haha). It was so much fun. Our second son came along and it was a little more challenging having two babies--a very strong-willed firstborn son and then a newborn. I began to feel the gaps in my time spent with the Lord. I was exhausted. I didn't have early morning devotions anymore, because I needed to sleep when I had a chance. I still had a lot of opportunities for ministry and bible study and worship, but it wasn't the same without my alone time, which was a big adjustment.

My third pregnancy came along and I felt as though my whole world was evolving into something I never expected. I was always a go-getter and a leader in my own right. I had a lot of passion and vision for God's kingdom. I was going to be a world changer for the Lord, but suddenly it all felt like a pipe dream. I was left at home with babies. I didn't have much time or energy for all these other things. My husband was moving more into full-time ministry and I was feeling resentful and resistant to the changes that were happening for my own life.

There was a specific moment I recall sitting on my deck, with a baby in my belly, watching the boys play, and resigning myself to whatever the Lord had for me, even though it was different than what I had thought. I had to let go of my own desires. I stopped resisting. And of course, I had three more babies (six total) and many many many more adjustments.

PARENTHOOD--TEEN STAGE
By the time the oldest ones were entering teenage hood, I no longer worried so much about how much time I was able to spend in quiet moments with the Lord. He loved me know matter what. I was still involved with worship in song and prayer and Bible reading. It was a natural outflow and I found outlets for ministry, but the time came when both Terry and I needed to take a sabbatical and remove our children from the "fishbowl" of the church, so to speak. Pastor's kids are expected to never make mistakes or get off track. There is a lot of judgment and we didn't want that for our kids or for us. It was a major change to step completely out of ministry after 15 years, but after a lot of very difficult situations personally and in the church, we were happy to take a break. And it's true, our kids began to sneak to the "other side of the fence" and get into teenage trouble. It was a very challenging time as parents, to say the least. The Lord got us through. Where would we even be without the Lord? The older kids grew out of their rebellious stage and onto adulthood.

PARENTHOOD--YOUNG ADULT STAGE
Now that we are here, I've hit that crisis point. I now have to watch my young adult children making decisions for themselves. Some times its very exciting and brings joy to my heart. But not always. And when I don't like some of the decisions, I tend to blame myself. Age-old-personal-shame-self-talk. I even had a post last week that showed how I was the one to blame because I haven't been as passionate about my love for Jesus in front of them. I could even say I have fallen out of love with Him for a season. But I am renewing my devotion. I'm rekindling my efforts of pursuit, and asking Him to rekindle the fire and passion in me. It's so easy to fall into complacency and so difficult to return to the disciplines. Anything can happen.

TRANSITIONS
I've always hated the adjustment times in life. TRANSITION! I know all about transition. That is a word you don't forget when you've had six babies and four of them being home births. In preparing for home births its only to your benefit to know everything you can about the stages of labor and what to expect. Transition is always the hardest and most confusing, panicky part. At least it was for me. It was the stage that became the most intense, and after all the work and pain I'd endured up to that point, I would think it would never ever end... and yet, transition was the shortest part of labor that always brought me to the pushing part rather quickly and to the rewards, 1) labor being finally over and 2) a baby being placed in my arms. (IN THAT ORDER--HAHAHA)

I may have transitioned into a new stage of life this past week. I don't know what to call it yet, but it'll be something to talk about in the future.

The Kid's Advocate

I try to let my kids work out their own struggles with their friends or with a teacher or coach. But when something is really bothering them, I'll usually do my best to get all the info I can out of them, help them sort through their perspective to see things in a reasonable way and then encourage them to do the right thing.

My hope, as the years go on, is that I will have successfully instilled in them the beauty and value of communication and conflict resolution, but also objectivity and understanding for others and for the way people tick. Everyone sees things from their own viewpoint and it can be a wonderful tool to be able to assess another's view and learn to communicate in a way that they can understand.

Sometimes, as I push my kids in a particular direction, hoping they will take my advice, I hold my breath practically all day, wondering if it was the right thing or not... wondering if they really "got it" and if they will handle their situation well. I hate this feeling and I have it today. I need to BREATHE!!!

I tried to help Caleigh with a situation she would be dealing with in the audience of THE PRINCIPAL!!! Ruh roh. (It's not a big deal, what happened, but even the smallest of problems at school are being made into ordeals these daze with the bullying and all). Anyway, its the second time I assisted her in writing a letter about a friendship dispute... or rather, about the boundaries she felt were reasonable to have for the friendship to work. My kids do not like when other kids try to manipulate them and try to control them. (Huh. I wonder how they got such strong feelings about THAT). Its amazing how there are kids who are so masterful at such a young age in manipulating those around them and it goes completely under the radar. I have an eagle eye for it after facing it in my adult years, so I try to help my kids see the signs and understand how to navigate through the difficult waters. But here I am feeling all wound up, wondering. She's probably worked it all out by now and on to regular school stuff. But its still early in the morning and I need to figure out what else I'm going to do today besides worry about all the things flying around in the atmosphere of my mind.

I don't think I'm going to help my kids anymore. HAHHAH. Its way too stressful.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.        ~Philippians 4:4-7

Its Monday

How was your weekend?

I have trouble remembering things from day to day lately. Haha. Its just a constant juggle.

Lots of people ask how Lizzy is doing. She's great! She's back to playing tennis again this year which was where things all began with the pain in her back last year. Her only pain is in her lungs when she has to run. I think that's just being out of shape aerobically.

Because of a change in her insurance we won't be going to the city anymore for her follow-up visits. I can tell you that this piece of news does not disappoint me whatsoever!! She saw a new pediatrician on Friday. I made her ride the dinosaur while we were waiting.

                                        

The basement was cleaned out, thanks to my boyz. We filled a 10 yard dumpster twice. Still working on that. Bathroom renos are next (fingers crossed).

I went to a homecoming game at my old alma mater Saturday night. Terry didn't come with me. He was tired from all the work he did that day. He also mentioned that going there with me is like going to one of my old class reunions. Haha. Its true. I find it quite entertaining, but he doesn't. Anyway, East Hampton won their trophy back from the rival team, Southampton. Age old competition.

Sunday we took a ride in the Memorial Sloan-Kettering to see our Nicki. We brought her some entertainment. She was doing well, but there's still a ways to go. Praying for the infection to be overcome completely and quickly and for the rest of her post-surgery recovery to be a cake walk.

Raul was an extra careful and extra slow wheelchair driver. So we were trying to speed him up!! Nicki smiles for every picture no matter how she's feeling. Silly girl.

I had two other girls of mine go to two separate concerts over the weekend. Crazy.

Jennah's was Ed Sheeran. Great entertainer and musician. General admission is the crazy part. Aaaaagh!! I would have not liked that very well at all.

Anika went to a Dayglow concert. Thats the one that shoots the toxic glowing paint into the audience all night long while the DJs or musicians or whatever, do their thing. Yikes. This is college for ya.

So its Monday. Now what? I changed over my summer and winter clothes today. I had to reserve out some items for our trip to Florida in 2 1/2 weeks. I did some stuff for my regular job. Practice my lines for a 1850s wedding reenactment I'm doing this weekend for the Southampton Historical Society. Pulled out some meat from the freezer for dinner. (I'm avoiding the cleaning thing...). Um... ok. That's about all the stalling I guess I can do. Guess I'll go vacuum.

Thankful... or I'm Trying Anyway

My girl is off to college. Flagler College in St. Augustine, FL. Its been a whirlwind. She didn't even know she was going until the second week of August. Take about fast action.

 This place is gorgeous. What a beautiful campus and city and this is Anika's dorm.

 The beach is only about 3-5 miles away. Anika bought a bike so she can get around... but will she use it, I wonder. She made me ride it back to campus from Walmart because she was out of practice and nervous to ride it on the highway (there was a bike path).

I received a few rainbows, one while I was there in Florida and one on my way home from the airport in NY. I'm taking them as a sign from the Lord that she is in the right place and its going to be a very good experience.

I am very thankful that she is there. (We have had a few run-ins since I've been home, but I am going to call them the adjustment period and try not to let it annoy me too much! ...ungrateful).

Meanwhile, that little episode with my car and the deer... well I finally arranged to bring the car in for an estimate and the insurance will cover all but $500 of it. So I'm grateful... FIVE FREAKIN HUNDRED MORE DOLLARS????? But I was given a pretty darn good rental to drive around for the next week and a half. Woot woot. I've been digging the rental cars lately. In Florida it was a dodge Avenger--sweet ride. And now its a Lincoln something or another. Very nice AND WITH SATELLITE RADIO!!!!! Very thankful!!

Also, we were given a refrigerator about a year ago that we choose to make our primary frig in the kitchen because it has an ice and water dispenser on the front. So our wonderful Maytag went into the garage and is still very very much in use. But now, this kenmoor or whatever it is, is not keeping cold in the frig side and everything is slowly going bad. I am so thankful that we have the other frig in the garage to rescue our perishables. A repairman is coming tomorrow to see what the problem is. Its not my favorite frig I must admit and I would LOVE to get the dream frig (such materialistic problems) but really... I'm thankful. Appliances just don't last forever.

Anyway, I barely have a chance to blog anymore. Caleigh is constantly at my side trying to get me to do something to entertain her. I am certainly looking forward to next Wednesday when they start school again. I'm not sure I can last another week.

It's been a Challenging Weekend

Adding to all the busyness and work that's been going on for the past two weeks, we finally were able to find out which company around here delivers mulch. (Bistrian's in case anyone else is wondering). We had 10 yards delivered and it was almost enough. Holy crap. I mean Holy Cow. Yea. It stinks.

More weeding was necessary to make this a successful project, but how much can one's fingers and back take? Ouch!

My parents were amazing. My mom is a trooper with her "limpy hip". She doesn't want to be left out, if there is something that needs to be done. My children, however... tend to disappear. "That stuff stinks! I can't stand it!!" "I have to work in a little bit." "I don't feel good!" "I already made plans to go to the beach!!"

Caleigh is the GOLDEN CHILD!!!! She stuck with it the ENTIRE DAY!

I can't complain about Luke either. He worked hard on the exterior lighting. Looks great, but if they would only take the huge ladders down so I could get a decent picture, and also I could feel more able to finish arranging the backyard for the party.

Here is a sample, but things aren't completely done yet... and that pic's taken with my iPhone.

The dogs are getting along. Grace is a smart smart smart dog. And she has a nose like you wouldn't believe. She may enter the work force with her high IQ and mad skillz.

So besides the work and the achey back and muscles, now I have this blasted sore throat that Terry and Lizzy had a few days ago. I don't feel well and Anika's party is on Friday as well as so many other major events this week. Its going to be a great week but I sure could use a boost of strength and encouragement.

I created a photo book for Anika which took a lot of time perusing photos to make it something she would enjoy. I thought people who come to her party could look at it and sign it. I showed her the book on Friday and her first comment was, "These pictures are all gross!" WTH??? I said, "Well, one thing I noticed as I went through all of my pictures searching for good ones, was that you were always MIA for all the events, so it was very difficult to find good pictures of you. That's all your own fault!!!" Brat! I think she realized that her comment came out wrong. She then got to the latter part of the book and said she really liked those pics. They were from when she was younger (and around more).

These kids have been brutal to my self esteem lately, and I've been a bit sensitive to their uncaring. Of course, whenever I have a meltdown with Anika she cries, too. She really is a sensitive soul most of the time. I do see that she's been trying to make adjustments.

Lizzy said this morning that I didn't do anything for her when she had her sore throat! I was like, "What do you mean???!!! I checked your throat. It appeared to be viral and not something worse, but I was watching for symptoms." I encouraged her to try gargling with salt water and to take some vitamin C. I asked Terry to take her with him if he felt he should go to the doctor. But they both seemed to recover in another day from the throat thing. So I assume I was right regarding the viral thing. Meanwhile, now I get to go down in Lizzy's books for "not doing anything for her when she was sick." Agghhh. I can't win. Somehow, whatever I do isn't enough these daze. And I'm doing A LOT!!!

I'm stressed. I'm adjusting to the change over from school to summer (even though half of the kids aren't done with school completely yet). And I'm getting ready for this big party and graduation, and I'm feeling like there are things I wish I could do but just can't afford to do or don't have the energy. I resolve to the fact that everything will be fine and I will give what I can. It will be enough and after that I'll just enjoy it. But in the back of my mind, I feel like my kids aren't going to appreciate it and they will be disappointed. Have I taught them to be this way somehow? Have I instilled too much of a relaxed attitude and not enough gratitude? Heavy sigh... never quite enough.

Who wants to put a lot of work into something and it fail to be a memorable or lovely event for the person of honor? I've done that before, and I was very hurt by the person's ingratitude. I put together a big birthday party for a very close friend about 7 or 8 years ago, and somehow nothing I did was right. That was a messed up friendship, so I won't go into details about that whole scenario, but it was ridiculous and needless to say, the friendship ended. I know this party won't be unappreciated and it isn't the case with my own daughter to be judgmental or have unrealistic expectations of me, but I guess I have flashbacks of that abuse from the past and it makes me very sensitive to criticism, even when it isn't intentionally being given.

My parents are great!!! My mom with all her high energy just wants to know what the next thing is to do and sadly, I feel overwhelmed by being asked. Um let's see... um... what can be done to get ready now? Um... I DON'T KNOW!!! HELP!!! You see, I have a more moderate tempo then she. I tend to pace myself out more. I don't want to rush rush rush and be done with everything way ahead of time. I want to time the preparation so that it is all ready at the right time. I can't change my mom's tempo, but she can't change mine either. An example of our different pace: She likes to have everything packed for her summer travels about a month in advance, I wait until a day or two to pack before I'm going somewhere. I like to relax in between bursts of work. It helps me think through what else needs to be done.

Anyway, its about time for a Hochstedler family pow wow to re-adjust a few things! These kids need a little reminder of their need to think outside of their own little worlds into the lives of their family members. The regular adjustments and maintenance check up to keep the family dynamics in a healthy and workable environment!

In your situations, do you ever run into the need to regroup?

I'm not sharing this to expose my kids and to criticize them publicly. I'm just sharing from the heart of my own struggles (as I always have... but just in case "that person" has discovered my blog and is disgusted by what I've written here, I wanted to make this disclaimer).  >:-P

May Mommy Madness

For me it happens in May, not in March. Er... well maybe the madness can be attributed to both months. The calendar goes from 0 - 60 in about 5 seconds. And if you want to change something on me, there is a good chance that I will change it on my computer calendar and never get to sync with my phone until I've missed the change completely. (I know all about iCloud but I'm sharing my itunes account with 5 others in the house, so no thank you).

This weekend was great. I went to a woman's conference called Among Friends, hosted by Kathy Trocolli, a native Long Islander. She, along with Ellie Lafero and Donna VanLiere, were THE hilarious and ever so entertaining trio. And I do believe they felt quite comfortable to be back in NY, where they could use their wit and quips readily and have the audience right there with them erupting in laughter, applause and tears. KT's piano player was phenomenal, also.

I may or may not have been elbowed in the gut a few too many times by one of the three others who attended with me... always 10 seconds late on the jokes and 50 times too loud with the response. And... loved to tell the rest of us something that was said during one of the sessions, as if we weren't even there. Gaaahhh!

We also went out to the Blacksmith Tavern after the Friday night session to hear a live band playing 70s and 80s music. They were awesome. Ahh good times.

Mother's Day was great... although I ended up cleaning up the kitchen after the lovely breakfast made for me, running around like crazy in the morning to get kids where they needed to be for work, appropriate homes and then on to church, coming home to vacuum the enormous amount of dirt tracked in by the boyz working out in the yard for me, unloading and loading the dishwasher twice in one day and vacuuming an enormous amount of dirt tacked in again when I got home from a lovely time out for dinner. Sheesh! I had mixed emotions about whether I was really pampered or not.

Can you read what's written in the sand?

Life is good, just a little crazy, trying to squeeze everything in and be successful and responsible with the commitments.

I'm Tired

Today was much more than I thought it would be. Funnily enough the school nurse called to ask about Lizzy... as in,

Nurse: Lizzy's not in school today.
Me: (Duh). She's here.
Nurse: I know she's home from the hospital now.
Me: (Yeah... and?). Um-hm. (Its pretty common knowledge)
Nurse: Do you have any idea when she'll be returning because she needs to have a doctor's note.
Me: I don't have a doctor's note.
Nurse: Because I'm going to need it for her files and to excuse these absences.
Me: (HAH--seriously?). Well, she has an appointment on Monday. I can get one then.
Nurse: I'll also need a note for any medications.
Me: Oh I know, but she's not taking anything, only tylenol occasionally.
Nurse: Well, I will need a doctor's note for that, too.
Me: Why? You've only ever needed my parental consent in the past??? (My voice raising, getting more annoyed at the stupidity). Never mind, she can just take it before school or after. Its not necessary to get another note from the doctor about tylenol (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!).

OK. This is the nurse from the same school that hosted an entire 7-12th grade assembly just to talk about Lizzy's diagnosis and to give her a special handmade crown, scepter, and throne. And then, a few weeks later, ordered two huge sheet cakes just to send her off wishing her good luck with the surgery. YAH!! So, this request from the nurse just hit me all sideways, plus an earlier conversation with her that also hit me all sideways, a few weeks back, when she brushed off Lizzy's tumor as if it was no longer a big issue now that it wasn't cancerous. She has a true gift for saying the most needling things and doesn't even realize it. So, her phone call today was annoying for me, that, and the fact that I haven't slept well in weeks and this morning got up a 5:30 to take care of an unexpected job-related issue that wasn't even an issue when I arrived at the building. Grrrrrrr!! But anyway, I'll get a doctor's note for the school nurse on Monday, when we go back for Lizzy's follow-up. Should I have the doctor list all the absences, too, so they can all be accounted for?

Wouldn't you feel ridiculous asking the doctor for a note, immediately following a surgery where he scraped about a liter of tumor out of her bones!!! It was one of the last things on my priority list (even though I actually did think about it when we were discharged from the hospital).

Don't get me wrong. The school has been incredible. The teachers have been great, but we have a few by-the-book legalists at the school who have a hard time making a common sense judgments on things--things that you would think would be so easy to balance out. For instance, if you think about a 14 year old girl, who never had a clue about why her back hurt, only to find out it was a tumor, then be told she would need chemo for a year as well as surgery to get rid of this bone cancer, then go in for a biopsy and have her very first overnight in the hospital to find out it the glorious news that it wasn't cancer, but then to have two surgeries scheduled only 2 weeks later to remove the tumor... this is a girl who has never had any kind of medical emergency in her life... well she's probably not going to be able to produce 4 essays for gym credit during those few weeks, she's probably not going to be able to concentrate on any kind of homework to speak of for a few weeks... but the least of her concerns being gym class. SERIOUSLY???

Regardless of these petty complaints I'm sounding off, we had a victory today. Lizzy darkened the doors of the school. We spoke with the principal to set her up for the next few weeks, easing into her classes again and getting caught up. She's going to try things for a few hours tomorrow thru Friday and then we can reevaluate for the next week.

In the meantime, Anika asked to come home early after experiencing a panic attack about her senior class trip. Egah. And Caleigh came home off the bus bawling her eyes out in total fear about the State Math Tests which begins tomorrow. Her teacher literally deflated any confidence she had today, after they did the practice test. Caleigh made a few silly errors and didn't score so well for the practice exam. When Caleigh asked the teacher if she could stay after school for extra help, her teacher said no because she was going to spend some time outside after school. These blasted state tests make the teachers and the atmosphere of the school so anxiety ridden. And that gets passed on to the more susceptible kids, like mine for instance. Sheeeesh!!

Deep cleansing breaths for me. Deep cleansing breaths.

I Don't Want to Go Down

We go some weeding a mulching in before the rains came. My feet had never been so dirty. I don't enjoy weeding, but at least I got some vitamin D. I didn't get much of that last week.

We've been needing the rain desperately here on Long Island. There were some pretty alarming brush fires a couple weeks ago, that couldn't be brought down easily. A few daze were super windy and about 1000 acres burned. You must note that we live on an island, so its no small matter when a big fire like that rages. Where would we go? Into the ocean on 3 sides?

This was what we saw on our way home from the hospital on Tuesday. It was the second flair up and the wind wasn't so bad. They were able to conquer this one without nearly as much trouble as the fire the week earlier.

So... how's Lizzy doing? She's been great. Her recovery has been phenomenal, really. She walks around the house with only one crutch and sometimes without a crutch at all. No need for pain meds, except for an occasional tylenol. A few friends have visited. She has even gone over to a friend's house to watch a movie. I had to push her to do it though. But when I bring up the idea of tackling some homework, she becomes very sullen (which is her language for anxiety).

This was her on the day she was leaving the hospital. Couldn't get a smile out of her. She internalizes stress and just gets quiet and sad. It was very stressful for her to consider the unknowns of coming back home. Now its the stresses of returning to school, trying to catch back up in classes, wondering which teachers were not going to demonstrate sympathetic thoughts when she just doesn't understand how to do the work. So, I get to be the bad mom who is trying to coax her along into the next step of her progression. I can tell, for the most part, when she needs to get moving. And the time is now, but she is resisting and she's not happy with me for pushing.

Anyway...

Just got the very first "payment due" for Anika's senior trip which is leaving THIS WEEK on Thursday... $373!!!! Dang! I was under a very different impression about what we owed, and I'm a little upset that this has been sprung on me last minute. A little payment plan would have been nice!!

I brought my car (not the car pictured here) to be washed for one of their final fundraisers on Friday, but dang!! Had I known we owed so much I would have held onto that donation and put it directly in Anika's account. They didn't even have that many cars come for the fundraiser. I'm not sure if Anika even got a full $20 from that effort. >:-/

Oh well. I just need to brace myself for what's coming just in regular life, and I don't want to experience a real low this week. People tell me that it all catches up to you, once your little patient recovers from the more intense stuff... I don't want to crash. So, I'm not planning to, however I do sense a slight bit of that "pressure cooker" feeling.

I'll just keep drawing!