The Struggle is Real

There's a lot!!!

Today, I really felt like I was at the END of my game. I was very tempted to give up. Discouraged. Frustrated. Really, really mad and on the verge of angry tears at several points. Of course, I'm not going to give up--win or lose. I just don't renege on my commitments. I don't even want to renege, but there has been some real stress and discouragement.

There are a lot of things at play in my game. First off, which I probably shouldn't even mention, is that I'm turning 50 and hormones are whacky. Seriously though, everything has been at an even keel up until about last week. I mean, I've had a few rough times with my aging process over the last few years, but now... I think I may be in for some mirky waters ahead. And it pisses me off.  I don't want to have a year long battle, or even six months. I had six babies!! Give me a break, dear Jesus. I can deal with a few weeks or a month and be ok, but I'm just a little scared of what "crazy" I may have to endure. I'll be alright. Surely. People just need to be nice to me and try to be understanding... And give me hugs, because I probably need those more than I let on.

Since last week, apart from hormones, there have been hits to my heart.

• I've learned that one of my dear ones, who grew up with my kids, got into some trouble. Smashed up his car and all... and I don't know what to do or how to help. My heart hurts so much and I feel overwhelmed, because I just don't think I'm the one who can help. I have that tendency to always want to run to the aid of all those I care about, and yet, its not always me who can, or should. So, I really hurt when I feel helpless. I can pray. 
• There is also someone else who I had been reaching out to, who fell into some trouble and I also can't get in touch with. Oh my heart. The vice tightens.
• I had a personal issue come up that caused me to question a lot of things, mostly about myself. Then I questioned the person who caused the things to surface, and the thoughts went round and round in my head... over basically inconsequential things. It'll all work out in God's timing, so "Karen, just stop!"
• Also, there was someone very dear to me who found an opportunity, just the other day, to share a devastating story which took place in her younger years. The account struck me to the core. I'm so glad she was able to share it with me, but oh my heart!!!
• So, today my mom told me, that my dad, after having a biopsy on his elbow, had to have further biopsies done because the tests came back positive for melanoma. He will have surgery soon to remove everything they found, and now we are fervently praying and believing for complete health. This news probably hurts my heart the most. I may just have to take a trip to Florida once these two April shows are done.
• Lastly, the shows.... I guess I will mention my struggle with the two high school shows I'm doing. Basically, I feel like I am FAILING!!! I just can't seem to motivate the teens--and they are the ones I enjoy working with the most. So YEA! We had great success with the last show, but now, halfway into the next batch of rehearsals I feel like a total failure. Usually, at this point in the rehearsal routine, I am the optimistic one, giving positive vibes to the director and all those around. However, this is not how I feel today. Its me who needs a boost of confidence. I'm not sure if this lack of optimism is because of them or me, but something is off and I can't figure it out. I feel really down about it and at a complete loss. I need some encouragement!!!

I am going to press on and lighten up. Life happens. We go through joys and pains, highs and lows. We work really hard at things and we take time to rest (at least we should). Mostly, I want to enjoy the people I am with, but also those I love, who I can't be with regularly. 

But oh the emotional roller coaster and hormones makes me NOT want to be with people. Help Me!!

Kool Fireside Chat

Some people find a fireside to be a wonderful place to relax. We don't build too many fires in our fireplace through the winter, but we do in the summer at the outdoor firepit. Its not quite summertime yet, but the firepit has been used throughout the winter (not by me... not once).

Lizzy had some friends over a few weeks ago for s'mores around the fire and then a movie on the trampoline. Aaah good times in the cold night air. So they each had their own blanket, some from the attic and closets, and a few from the wicker basket. I had about 13 blankets to wash because they all smelled like a bon fire and were dragged through the dirt and woods. NICE!!

About a week later, the trampoline gave way to a huge rip right down the middle. Thankfully no one was hurt. The winter was brutal on that old thing. Now its been dismantled and on its way to the dump. (Did I mention that one set of legs completely broke off a few days after that?) DANGEROUS!

Now that the trampoline is gone we have a wonderful new area of the yard to use. So, Luke decided to move the brick firepit over to the nice, level, cleared spot... a place where there are less spiders and creepy crawlers to worry about because it gets more sunlight during the day. And the neighbor boys did a fine job of clearing all the leaves out. Next thing Luke decided was to purchase a yard wagon that could also be pulled behind his quad. His new toy. He's been gathering firewood from the woods, wouldn't you know. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...?

I'm really looking forward to this summer. There is still a lot of work to do around here in preparation, which I'm not necessarily looking forward to. This weekend we will be getting a load of mulch, and when I say "a load"... HOLY MACKEREL!!! Hopefully, the neighbor boyz will be by for some more money-making, back-breaking work. Last year its was just Terry, Caleigh, and me along with my parents (who are in the mid 70s but very strong and spry) spreading that stuff throughout. It was a HUGE amount of work!!!

The pool won't be open until mid-June most likely. It doesn't get warm enough here to swim until about then. However, Peppermint begs to differ. She is already taking full baths in the water, She runs out on the cover and as it dips down into the water the rolls around like a bird. The she runs to the perennials and rolls in the grass and dirt to dry off. DOGGIE DOOR FLAP IN PLACE!

Anika is finishing up her first year of college this week and coming home on Tuesday. Let the fighting over the king-size bed begin. She and Lizzy adore each other, but not when it comes to the bed territory. If it weren't for "Messy Jess" aka LIZZY, covering the bed with every piece of electronics and clothing and bags and shoes from her closet, it would be big enough to sleep all four of the girls, so I don't know what they are arguing about. But they will have to fight it out. Anika has landed a great nanny job for the summer which may even bring her to Canada and other places of travel. Woohoo. Also, Jolene is coming in July, so we have some rearranging of bedrooms to do before then.

Finally, the artwork has been hung!! HOORAY!!! Its a major accomplishment. We purchased several pieces at the auction on our cruise to Bermuda last year, but it took forever to get them up on the wall. I was able to get one up in the bathroom once that reno was done.  (Its actually my favorite one). But then we had to paint the family room with an accent wall before hanging the others. I like the one orange wall against the paintings. Its pretty cool. We just need to get the other three walls in the room changed from the light green to a cream-white. That wasn't all though. There were three more paintings that needed to be hung.  We put them up in the kitchen, in place of our wonderful, but 5 years outdated, family pictures. I will say, the kitchen walls REALLY need painting. Once all of that happens I will be happy. Nah. I'm happy anyway. But you know what I mean.

P.S. Lots of prayers are being made for baby Beckham who has had his second successful open heart surgery since his early birth in December. He has a journey ahead of him yet, but its been a beautiful story so far. I'm also praying for a friend who has had a recent and unexpected loss which is very sad, but I believe God will bring joy in the morning. And in addition, another dear friend, Melanie, would love prayer for her father, John, who was just diagnosed this week with stage 4 liver cancer. We believe it can be beat. Nothing is impossible with God!! For all you prayer warriors, please lift these requests to the Lord.

Seriously??!!

I've contemplated a variety of ways to deal with a situation that has come up during and because of our family crisis. In the midst of feeling overwhelmed in a wonderful way by all the love and support coming our way, there is one recent situation that has seriously gotten my goat. It happened at school. At first I thought of just calling the person, but then I thought a letter would be better, because I could take my time figuring out how to word my thoughts, that I might communicate honestly but non-offensively. HAH! In reality though, for the duration of my life and many letters written by my hand, I realize that I will still most likely be offensive. On the other hand, this person is also VERY DIRECT, so I could be straight to the point and it be fine. Not everyone has that style of communication, but this person does, apparently.

So help me get started on this letter... Here are some ways to start it:

1. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIKKIN MIND!!!!????!!!! 

2. WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO OFFER THAT LINE OF QUESTIONING TO MY DAUGHTER AT THIS TIME??? Never mind, I already know the answer to that. 

3. DEAR TEACHER, DO YOU EVEN LIKE YOUR JOB? 

4. You might not believe there is a God, but you should be very happy right now that I do, and that He has commanded me to love you. I can't speak for anyone else, though.

You can cast your vote in the comment box. LOL. Ok. Ok. Let me explain...

If you've read Kool Daze for a while now, you know that I have forever loved the school my kids go to. I've devoted soooo much of my time and energy and gifts there, but last year I needed to put a little distance between myself and the operations within the building. I had gotten burned over a few things that were very important to me and I needed some time to lick my wounds do other exciting things, rather than remain a target for people who don't like me or appreciate my style. I was disappointed in my heart for most of last year and part of this year, because my time spent at the school was very meaningful to mean. I missed it. And I missed that amazingly supportive atmosphere, that seemed to have waned for one reason or another. I love everyone there, but I needed to let it go and allow time to heal misunderstandings that were lingering in my own mind as well as in others.

As this ordeal with Lizzy came up, I am telling you! if there were any misunderstandings or dislikes or issues with "my style" it all fell to the wayside and I was super surprised by the incredible support from the school. Many people, ones who haven't prayed in a very long time or drifted away from the Lord told me that they have been praying again because Lizzy is in need and the news has been a hard pill to swallow. Other friends of ours who don't pray, have been so supportive as well, sending every positive thought and well wish that they can muster. I believe God loves all of it and hears all if it. And I also believe there is something very special that has happened in many hearts, especially my own and my children's.

Regarding this one teacher, I know that she is enduring some tough personal struggles, and I even believe something is stirring in her heart, because of Lizzy. But it is beyond me how she could question Lizzy's sister about her faith in God and faith that prayer has been moving mountains. She literally has been arguing against my daughter's hope in God. I honestly don't care if she has chosen to believe there is no God, but does she really feel that its appropriate to try and persuade my daughter that her beliefs are unfounded or ridiculous? The teacher even asked her why God would heal Lizzy of cancer and not heal Katie? SERIOUSLY???!!! That was extremely inappropriate. This is all being asked in school to a daughter of mine who has been very emotional about everything we've been going through. But my girls have been strong. And more sure of their faith now than ever. This whole thing has totally strengthened their trust in and commitment to the Lord. But it just ticks me off that the teacher is so "pragmatic" about things that she doesn't realize how cold-hearted her line of questioning is. Can we say: heart of stone? I'm sad for her, really.

The test is on us though. The test is on me. Can I see that God truly loves this woman and that she is missing out on His love completely by being so profoundly opposed to His existence? Can my daughter find the resolve within, not to completely disrespect this teacher for arguing with her during such a stressful time. That will be a tough one. Seriously! She's the adult. She could save those thoughts for another time and place. I wouldn't have a problem with the conversation taking place. This teacher could feel free to call me or Terry anytime, and we'd be happy to explain why we believe what we believe! But to talk to a student who is facing such difficult things; the prospects of a younger sister going through chemo treatments for 10 months; the prospects of her family life being turned upside-down; prospects of the looming battle ahead--that's just wrong! And to argue with my daughter because she is openly rejoicing in God for a positive report and that there may be no chemo in the future.. why would should do that???

I know its not very nice to use my blog in some passive-aggressive way, even though I've done it many times before. Usually it about less important, more humorous topics,  but most of my readers don't know who I'm talking about and if it gets around the school, those people will only be able to guess who it is. Maybe just this once, the indirect approach is acceptable, considering the roller coaster ride our emotions have been on over the past two weeks. I'm too tired to deal directly with the issue. And actually I'm too tired to force my mind ignore the whole thing and flat out forgive without processing it.

I will love and I will forgive. I will trust God and hope that He has something profoundly wonderful in mind for this teacher, as, apparently our faith in His love for us is seriously challenging her atheism.

Now back to how to begin that letter...

Updates on Lizzy Found at CaringBridge

We have a CaringBridge site now to keep everyone informed and give you a place to drop a line or two for her. There is also a free phone app which is pretty good. It'll bring you straight to the CB sites you want to read regularly. Lizzy hasn't seen hers yet. She's been at school. But she'll see it later today. There's already been over 140 visits. The support from everyone is amazing.

Side note: the donations made there go to CaringBridge, which is an awesome tool for so many people. They don't go to any fund for Elizabeth. I was asked this question by a few people so I thought I would clarify.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elizabethhochstedler

More and other prayers are needed for Nate. He's going to a general surgeon tomorrow about a hernia that needs repair. Don't know when that will be scheduled, but it feels like spring around here... or more like monsoon. Its not raining, its pouring. I need a nap.

She's Ready!

I guess I left off from the last post with the info that Lizzy has a tumor. Its in the bone of her ilium and has expanded to her sacrum. And its cancer. I know. Sucks the breath right out of ya! The name is osteosarcoma. That's the bad news. The good news is: The doctor said that at this stage it is fully curable. The better news is we serve an AWESOME GOD!!!! Soooo...

At this point we are settled, but we have had some real challenges over the past two days to get her approved for treatment at Sloan Kettering, which is where we received the diagnosis. However, during these two days of waiting, our support has grown exponentially. Its powerful. There must be 1500 people praying for Lizzy all over the country. Friends have been contacting friends and people they know, who can help with Sloan. We had 3 hospitals on the phone, with excellent treatment and cancer care for children, all trying to get us in. But in the end, the head administrator from Sloan called and said we were all cleared to get started. She worked EVERYTHING out for us, so we could move on with getting Lizzy's Cure.

Lots of questions have been shot our way, but for now I'm really exhausted. I'm just going to take a nap. I'll continue to update. My wonderful niece has a caringbridge site started, but I haven't had a chance to go over there yet to begin posting info. When I do, I'll give the link here.

Please keep praying. Our battle has just begun. Thank you for all your support. We are blown away.

BTW... Lizzy is doing amazingly well. She is upbeat and strong and ready to take on the world. I'll share more about that later. She knows that there is something very special about this journey and she "will have something to tell the world." Her words.  My beautiful Lizzy.