My Former Driven Life

Have you ever discovered an unhealthy behavior about yourself, decided to get the help and endure the  pain to become a healthier person, only to work doubly hard not to judge someone else close to you, who seems to display that former habit you overcame? Its impossible for me to get "close" to another person who displays certain characteristics that I walked away from, because it triggers me. I become very bothered by what I think they are "stuck in" and I WANT TO FIX THEM! haha

I spent a good couple of years working explicitly on changing my co-dependent behaviors which I knew nothing about until my life wound up in a heap of unmanageable chaos. My personal tendencies included things like:

• having no real boundaries in relationships, 
• taking care of everyone else's needs to the point of my needs not being important (to me or anyone else), 
• having an inability to say no because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, 
• being a total people-pleaser, 
• not valuing my own opinion enough to feel ok if someone disagreed or challenged me, 
• spiraling into self-hatred if I made a mistake no matter how minor,
• needing everyone to feel good and happy

I put a lot of pressure on myself to help everyone I possibly could. It was a formula for continual disappointment. People like to complain about their problems, and they want others to listen, but that doesn't mean they want me or anyone else to fix them. And 9 times out of 10, if someone tells them what they "need to do" they won't do it, just because. People want to found their own answers, which is why I've learned to listen and let people feel whatever they are feeling without correcting them. Its been much more effective when I share my own stories in life, without having those underlying motives, to somehow help others finding their way. Its not up to me to do it for them.

So, I bite my tongue. When my friend tells me her string of events for the day, seemingly proud of how much she did and how crazy her schedule is and the amount of things she does for everyone... all the accomplishments... sure its amazing. But is it healthy? I am doing my best not to transfer my experiences and shortcomings to anyone else and their life experiences. I can say that just listening to it, though, triggers a sense of resentment towards that life. It was my former life... in the ministry. "Pastor's wife" was my title (how thrilling)... with lots of young kids to mother, and they didn't always behave perfectly in the fishbowl. I remember feeling acceptable mostly based on all of the things I was able to accomplish and do for others. The things I did, the energy I expended for others made me feel valued, but if I were criticized by someone, suddenly my house of cards crumbled. I believed at that point I must not be good enough. I wasn't doing things right. Somethings wrong with me because not everyone liked me. Not everyone was happy with my work. Horrors.

I'm glad to be free of that. crap!!! Yes, I am busy. You can't have six kids, all still living at home, and not be busy. But I'm not driven anymore. I don't care if I please everyone. HAH! Lots of times I know I don't please everyone. Sure it can still be a battle, but I've learned to resist the urges to make everything perfect in order to be acceptable to everyone. < - - how stupid to think that's even possible

So, we had youth group at our house last night for the summer kick off and I wasn't home all day to clean, cook, bake or even tidy up the kitchen counter or the pool area. The kids were home making messed with their friends and doing NOTHING. I was out taking pictures of Jennah for Prom Night when everyone arrived. My house was a disaster!!! ...but guess what. I DON'T CARE!! And neither do the kids. Admittedly, I was a little annoyed when I came home, because I kicked into hospitality mode only to find that we had no paper cups, no plastic forks, were low on drinks, etc. Unprepared! Earlier in the week I made it very clear to the youth leader (my husband) that I wasn't able to help prepare this week. See, I can say "no" fairly easily now. And when I say no, I'm learning to be ok if things aren't done perfectly by someone else. The kids don't care. Trust me, they don't even notice.

Winter Youth Retreat 2013 & Relationships

I've been going on the youth ski trips ever since Terry started planning them with the CBC youth group in 2006. I really enjoy skiing and I can safely say that I enjoy hanging with teenagers... as long as they don't treat me like I am intruding on all their fun. Our youth group thinks I'm pretty cool and fun (which I am) so I enjoy being with them... for a limited amount of time anyway. haha.

Each year, starting with the first trip, I've gone with a "little" bit of kicking and screaming (on the inside) because it was usually a painful breaking down of some level of depression, I suppose. But every time I would come home feeling as though I truly enjoyed the time spent away with the kids. But I won't lie, its also always been tough for me to get into the idea of going. This year I was ready--mentally. I think my little break-through made all the difference. There was no real kicking and screaming on the inside. I was just basically content and fine with the whole thing. I sure wish I knew what that was all about and how to turn the switch on and off myself. We had a good time. I drove the car separate from the bus... no one rode with me, because they all wanted to be together on the bus. I didn't mind being alone. I had some great jams playing all the way up and back. It was a good thing for me.

So what's with me?

Well, last night we had some close friends over for our first marriage enrichment series. We watched a Gary Smalley video and had some interesting dialogue. That's when it clicked for me. I am not satisfied in my everyday life unless I'm relating on a deeper level in my relationships. I can only stay on that safe, surface-y level for so long before I want to have more meaningful heart-to-hearts. Those are risks I am almost always willing to take. Some people are not like that. Some people are the opposite and feel very uncomfortable going to a deeper level. Its not safe! There are things behind those closed doors that we don't always want to allow anyone else to see. But I've always wanted to be known on a deeper level. Its freedom for me. I'm that "open book" type as you've seen on my blog.

So... I've been shut down for a while. Maybe I've offered an occasional open book glance, but mostly I've been shut down and locked up regarding those the deeper parts of myself, even to myself. I guess it was easier to cope. (I can tell you that I've really only been on lockdown when struggling with a distain or dislike of who I am, but that's for another post). My shut-down was most likely based on a particular deeper need or set of needs that went unmet or unnoticed and un-communicated for a while. Or maybe I was hurt by someone who is important to me and its taken a while to recover. Maybe all of the above. One time I became close to a friend who, after some time getting to know one another, wanted to stay deep in the relationship all the time. It was suffocating. I almost died. That's where co-dependence will lead. But God rescued me from those depths and helped me recover who I truly was. Honestly, that recovery took years, and since then I've become super cautious about going deeper in relationships. But who am I... really? I'm a person who NEEDS to relate to others both on a surface level and also on a deeper level. Not having the depth aspect with others for so long has left an unmet need in me which has brought sadness and resentment and anger. Although I definitely enjoy hanging around on the surface level with my friends, having fun and being playful--goofing around is my specialty--I don't like to stay on the surface all the time, either. If I can't share deeper levels with those closest to me, I feel all out of sorts and stifled because I'm not being my true self. I need both.

I have an amazing group of friends that bring such laughter and good times... but only a few of those friends want the relationships to go to a deeper level of sharing. There have been lots of needs, lots of challenging times in each one of our lives. We've all needed one another for support and care. We've all watched each other, from a distance, struggle through majorly challenging things. It kills me to do that. My heart screams out. I want to be there, up close and personal. But there's no opening. So I pray. When it comes to having heart-to-hearts, most opt to retreat into themselves and into their own private world during difficult times. I understand that about others, but I tend to do the opposite. I look for people to be in my life during crisis. I need people in my life who care to know about the more important things about me, who are curious about the deeper things of my heart, who are willing to love me even when they find out things about me which aren't so wonderful. Even more importantly, I need people in my life who want to trust me with their deeper thoughts and their inner life. I long for those friends who won't disappear every time they have a crisis, but will at some point begin to share it, because they value the friendship and believe that I honor and care for them. Thank God for the ones he has put in my life who are like me in this way.

The close friends I've had in my life for years, who only want to be around when things are going fine for them, and then disappear when they are struggling... they hurt my heart. I guess I don't have the emotional stamina to go in and out of the those relationships and realizing the damage its done to me, I've backed away. It hurts to back away. It hurts to be pushed away. But steering clear seems to be the only way I can maintain my own sanity.

I'm a risk-taker! But I'm not so carefree when it comes to people. I care deeply and maybe a little too much. I think its a tumultuous combination. Oh my soul. haha

Should I Post Something When I've Got Nothing?

Nothing much to say, that is. But it will come...

The kids had this past week off from school. President's Week. I don't think we thought much about the presidents, quite honestly. But we did have a nice win for the Killer Bees Basketball team. Class D Champs. Its was a great game, too. (Not a great picture)

So next week they go on to play Upstate NY to win Title VII or something like that. I don't really follow how it goes.

After the game, Caleigh and I raced back to try and make our first tap class. We are taking it together. Isn't that cute? Here's the kicker: our class is held in the basement of the old Polish Hall which is now... A BAR. HAHA. Its actually a pretty cool place, but is it ironic that I'm bringing my 10 yr old to a bar for tap class? Furthermore, the bar is actually open for business during class and the bartender seems to get a kick out of watching us struggle to learn the steps. Ah good times. I may try to convince the Clique to meet there one night for Karaoke. It would be a rip!

The Presidents Week break from school also means its the Youth Group Winter Retreat. Terry found this little mountain in PA... Shawnee. He then proceeded to find a youth hostile (which really means an old church fellowship hall that is also the pastor's office, sunday school rooms, rummage sale storage, and basement space for dinners and whatnot. It was... interesting. And old. And full of character, of course.

The boys got to sleep on the old gymnastics mats in the basement. They were also used for jumping on and doing various tricks and wheelchair stunts and playing hide and go seek and for stacking up to a tall tower for reclining during free time.

Lizzy and Anika got into the storage of 1980s clothes which were in the closet of their room. There were also some walkers and wheelchairs for us to use at our own discretion. heh heh

Of course Raul came along. He knows how much fun we are and would never want to miss out. (Gotta love Anika's jacket).

These outfits were AMAZING!! And the room these two slept in was painted the very same color purple as that outfit. I'm not even exaggerating. Plus its florescent lighting added to the effect.

Pictured below was one of the rooms the girls and I slept in. That little couch was a pullout bed. Three of the girls slept there and I slept on the floor. We also met here for our meetings and to watch movies. We had the kids watch the Left Behind Series and talked about end times. I so wanted to play a joke on the kids by waiting for a few of them to come out of the bathroom to find everyone else having "disappeared" (we'd be hiding, of course) and we would have left piles of the clothes we were wearing in various places all over the hostel for them to think they were left behind. hee hee. (If you saw the movie with Kirk Cameron you'd know what I mean). But alas, I was not feeling well on this trip and couldn't pull myself together to create certain games and tricks for laughs. Booo.

We did go on a small hike, just Terry, Raul and I while the kids rehearsed their skit.

These two youngin's were privileged to come on the retreat because their daddies are two of the group leaders. They think they are so kool.

The youth performed the Lifehouse Skit at the East Stoudsburg University's Christian fellowship group. That's where Artur attended college and became a Christian. It was really awesome to be so close to his campus for our retreat and to be invited to perform the skit.

The kids made a huge impact, too. One young guy decided, after watching the skit, to give his life to God and start serving him. He'd been attending the fellowship for over a year but not ready to surrender his life to God until that night. It was a special thing to hear. Jesus continues to set us free from the entrapments of this world.

So... this winter retreat was also a ski trip, but there wasn't any snow, besides what they made on the mountain. I wished I had taken pictures of that. We went snow-tubing one of the daze and that was hilarious. Sooo much fun actually. It was about 50 degrees out, so the runs were quite slow and the guys who were working had to work extra hard to get the tubers down the run to the bottom. They would spin us around like crazy or ride on the back of the tube 1/3 of the way and then jump straight up so they could come down on the back of the tube and send us flying down faster. They were in tee shirts and sweating like crazy.

By the end of our tubing session they asked everyone if we wanted to beat their yesterday's "train record". They had 75 people attached to each other to go down the run. Of course we wanted to beat it. We connected 98 people together. It took about 20 minutes and everyone went down in a train. It was crazy!! One guy, who was helping to get the whole group moving by pulling the pushing the tubes along, actually fell down at the halfway point and got run over by several inner-tubers. I have to say, even though I was scared for him, it was one of the funniest things I'd seen in a while. It should go on funniest home video, but I wasn't video taping. He survived.

Anyway, our last day was planned for skiing/boarding. That's the day it was pouring rain. >:-/  Anika and I drove up separately from the bus, to have an extra car for errands. So, at that point we decided, because we were both sick, we would not stay to ski in the rain. Everyone else wanted to go for it. We said our goodbyes and left while they stayed to sky and had a blast. The rain actually stopped for most of the day (so they claim). I just wonder why their stuff was so entirely soaked when they got home. Good times.

Now that school's back on, Lizzy is sick. Different sickness though, the stomach flu. Eww.

Q: Do you have your kids trained to make sure they hit the toilet when they throw up?

Is it uncompassionate for me to mention this? My kids rarely throw up, so maybe I never had the opportunity to teach them properly NOT TO MISS!!!! I gave Lizzy an empty garbage can. She looked at me with horror in her eyes. I told her to do her best to either get it in the can or the toilet. She never once during the night used the garbage can. And she missed the toilet on that first attempt, but at least she made it to the bathroom. But for the rest of the night, she just laid on the couch and aimed for the outdoors whenever necessary (which was a lot, mind you). She usually made it pretty close to the outside, but dang, if she fell asleep at all, it would just creep up on her suddenly. Poor girl. She's better now and we are all hoping and praying no one else gets a turn. I must have gotten up every single hour last night to help her in her misery.

So... now that I've grossed you all out, what have you been up too lately?

Hello January! What say you?

I can hardly believe we're almost at the halfway mark of January. It's flying by but not without a gazillion things on the schedule. I've remained in tact (mentally) for most of it up until now. I AM tired, but its not an "unbearable" kind of tired. I will survive.

The rehearsals for the Grease continue. We are getting down to the wire. Straight run-throughs are about to begin... which means, the kids better know their stuff by heart in less than three daze. I have been enjoying working with the Sag Harbor middle school kids which is a different school than the one my kids attend. Lizzy (who turns 14 next week--gasp) knows most of the people I'm working with through sports. Its a good connection for me. I want to know my kids' friends... or at least have an idea of who they are. Anyway, I hope I can do more of these shows. I really like it... even though it wears me out completely.

Youth group (which is still something Terry does without me for the most part) has been growing. More and more kids want to come on a regular basis. I think that's pretty cool. I didn't even feel stressed last night when we had about 15 at the house (for dinner) before leaving for the church. I got home from rehearsal at 5 and had no idea what I was going to make for dinner. Then I had to run and pick up Jennah from cheerleading practice. I brought an extra kid home, who'd be attending youth group... (a vegetarian) so that would alter my meal plan somewhat, not that I had one yet. Then, more and more kids showed up at the house to catch a ride to youth group. Suddenly, potato soup entered my mind. It was supernatural, I tell you! I do make a very delicious potato soup, if I don't say so myself. It was one of my better batches last night, too. Of course, the amish friendship bread I made earlier in the day was rushed and not completely cooked when I took it out of the oven. GAH! but I stuck it in the microwave for about 7 minutes and it worked.  Not bad.

Hey, that reminds me, ANYONE WANT SOME AMISH FRIENDSHIP BREAD BATTER??? I have some to share!! I can mail it. Sohailah mailed it to me over Christmas. HAHA (SSSHHHhhhhhh don't tell anyone, because you're not supposed to mail anything liquid or perishable without declaring what it is).

During my soup making stint last night the doctor called with Anika's throat culture results. After 3 doctor visits--her tonsils have been enormous for 6 weeks--2 strep test showing negative, one round of antibiotics which she failed to take properly, and finally, a throat culture that was sent to the lab, the results came back positive for... strep. DOUBLE GAAAH!!! So now, she has to do a serious round of antibiotics based on her lazy attempt of the last round. She's very worried that she has spread her lovely germs to all her friends (meaning boyfriend). I hope not, although I know of a few other people who have also been diagnosed with it recently. My poor dears.

Lastly, I have been having a blast reminiscing with the blog 2007. I know, I know. I already said this, But its just so hilarious and fun and heart wrenching and wonderful to go back. I really felt close to my blogging friends, and dang, we were going through so much serious crap with our teenage boyz. Some of my readers were going through some very challenging stuff, too. We all cared for one another. But it makes me sad, because I miss those closer times. Even on FB its a little sad for me. No one wants to play... and I don't mean "words with friends", because I have several of those games going on, but that's not the kind of interaction that brings me any sense of satisfaction. I like to banter and joke and talk and share our lives with each other. Well, I still care about my friends. I continually try interacting... but I really don't get much interaction coming back. Very little. It feels like most of my friends have moved on which then causes me to start second guessing myself, wondering if I've been offensive or... just plain... [GASP] boring. *HORRORS* 

My life continually moves on to new things, but I still try to stay connected with my friends. Doesn't anyone want to play with me??? Sometimes I think, "This is ridiculous, Karen. Just shut it all down. You don't need to feel this way." I have some very dear local friends. We stay connected, but it becomes a loose connection at times when different ones are going through stuff because they retreat or the work season gets really busy. That's when I miss the daily interaction. Truly, the thing I like the most are those little daily quips back and forth. Most of my local friends don't have time for that they way we used to. I'm not always in a very funny mood either but its not always the "quips" that I am interested in having. Its the genuine connection and care between each other. I cherish the times I've felt truly connected with my family and friends. I loved, back in the day, texting with Sarah B. Oh the hilarious banter we would have and I still remember some of the actual things we had going back and forth. Memorable. Where is Sarah now? We lost touch. And then, I discovered myspace, which was fun for a little bit. I moved on to blogger where I could really express myself more fully and deliberately and totally enjoyed a new and wonderful community of bloggers that developed, especially in 2006-2008. When readership dropped off and things changed with blogger, people moved on, I began to enjoy FB a little more than blogging. (I didn't really like twitter much). So anyway... what's next? What will be the new way to stay connected, because FB has lost its appeal for a greater portion of my "bantering" friends? They just aren't around as much. Hardly anyone comments back and forth with me anymore. BOOOO!!! Thank God for Mellie Moo. She still plays!!! And she lets me cream her in Words with Friends.

This all sounds so "me" oriented, doesn't it. Well, it is MY blog, so...

Why don't you comment? Go ahead. Let's rekindle our bantering relationship. Or start a new one. LOL.

Trying to Catch Up on My Photography Slack-off

I don't know exactly why I stopped taking pictures around mid October. I think it had something to do with being immersed in several things that took my attention and focus, leaving very little play time.  I also made a book from my blog posts of 2006 and I rarely used any personal photos. I had forgotten how differently I blogged back in those daze. I grabbed a lot of funny stuff from the internet back then. Anyone remember the  "pet carrier"? LOL!!! It was from one of my earliest posts.

Anyway, we had a youth group Christmas party this past Wednesday at our house and I did take pictures. It was fun party, and LOUD, of course. I'm pretty sure I had a headache.

I'm sparing you the many pictures of the "mittens and kisses" race. But here are a few of them.

It was a relay with two teams. The raced against each other down the hall to the kitchen, put on a pair of mittens and then proceeded to unwrap a hershey's kiss, pop it in the mouth, eat it all and run back to tag the next teammate.

It was funny.

Some of them decided to just eat the kiss with the foil and all. (NOT ADVISABLE!!!)

Luke and Brandon wanted to be the last two team members to go.

Its more competitive that way.

Brandon won. I think he swallowed the kiss whole.

Anika hasn't been feeling well. Her tonsils are HUGE! Poor girl.

Terry selected a few of the older ones to read the story together, The Secret of the Gifts. I've never heard the kids sit so quietly for so long. Bravo kids. Bravo!!!

Next up was the Thursday Holiday Luncheon at the school.

Its always a very nice event.

These are the littlest guys.

Caleigh's classmates, Tre and Max.

I snagged a few photos of Anika's artwork in the display cases.

They are self-portraits. She loves art. It brings her a lot of joy.

After the luncheon was the annual volleyball game, seniors vs. teachers, staff (and guest parent)

Each player was announced with a humorous set of clever quips. I came out doing cartwheels... cuz I'm like that, yo.

It was a close game but the teachers won by 2.

Isn't Jennah cute?

Who is this adorable little surferboy? It's Nate way back in preK. I love all the ornaments from the kids from when they were so little.

This is another one of my favorites given to the girls by Grandma Peele a year or two ago.

We did in fact have a family get together which was last night. There is a new addition to the family. Surfer. He is 4 months old. Imagine having a blue-eyed puppy?

The menorah was lit for the third night.

Dylan was being his adorably loving self.

As was Sienna and Ava. I love those kids.

Caleigh's pretty cute too.

We discovered a bust sitting next to the fireplace and couldn't resist. Do you know who this man is? And can you make a face to resemble him, because its harder than it seems.

Some of the people are masters at the frown.

But its hard to get the mouth and the eyes to get just the right expression.

David may be on to something.

I think Luke is a little tight in the mouth. hee

Epic fail for me!!!

Nope! Anika. HAHA

Johnny may have the eyes but he's lost it in the mouth... unless he just needs a bit more beard and mustache.

I should have had Russ take off his glasses.

Cute Jennah, but he's not really pouting.

Baaahhaha--Dylan. He said he doesn't like to make that kind of face.

Good try Caleigh.

Oh my dear Lizzy. She definitely reminds me of a muppet.

We played dirty santa, where according to your number you pick a gift from the pile and open it in front of everyone. The next person to pick, can either steal someone else's gift or pick one from the pile. If your gift is stolen you get to choose another one... either someone elses' or one that hasn't been opened yet. Its quite humorous. Luke got the whole set of Lord of the Rings Pez dispensers. Heh heh.

The rest of the night was spent digesting all the good food and playing with the puppy.

Such a cutie.

Merry Merry Christmas. Good cheer. Happy holidays.