The Crash

Its no mystery that I'm a people person. Its also no secret that I thrive on a busy schedule (as long as my busyness involves having connection with people). My life has been full of people and busyness over the past many months. 

In June, our fourth child graduated from high school Valedictorian. 

In August, we had an amazing adventure to Alaska together with two other couples and a few kids. 

A week after that trip we sent said daughter off to her first year in college 2500 miles away. 

Also we had a family wedding to attend in North Carolina and another daughter to kiss goodbye for her third year 2000 miles away at college. 

September meant school began again with only two kids left to graduate. 

Columbus weekend was another family wedding in Maine. 

September also gave me some decisions to make. I was asked to music direct three musicals. I was already locked into one, when the next one I normally have done, was switched from the spring to the fall. I thought it would be crazy to take on two shows at the same time, but then the third show I've been doing for four consecutive years, also was suddenly switched from the spring to the fall. Now I was left to see if there was any possibility to swing three. Finances were a motivating factor with two in college. So, after much prayer, deliberation and calendar crunching, I decided to go for it. Its not a decision I regret. I didn't regret it once.

Here are a few pics...

Super fun pit band for "The World Goes Round" and the Director

Fabulous Cast whom I miss dearly

Great show with the school kids

Cast, Crew, Director, and me

Joy of my heart to see them grow so much

Performances for The World Goes Round ran for three weekends (12 shows). That was an all-music show, which got amazing reviews. I was so proud of the work!!! Loved the cast and it was an all-around great experience. I suffered great disappointment that so few of my friends and family came out. People who aren't performers don't seem to understand...

Fame was my show with the Sag Harbor middle school (sorry no pics) which was challenging to pull together but it went great, and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, the Bridgehampton high school show also was fabulous. These two shows both performed on the same weekend, which was the following weekend after closing World. I played the piano for the high school show and someone else played for the middle school show. Basically, my life revolved around practicing music for 3-4 hours in the morning while accomplishing my other office work, trying to get some kind of food in the crockpot, walking the dog, then running to rehearsals for one show and on the rehearsals for one of the other shows and getting home around 10pm, every week day for 10 weeks. We also had a fall youth retreat on one of the weekends in October where I was one of the speakers. It was busy. Exhausting. Exhilarating!!!

I knew the end was coming. I knew it was going to be quite an abrupt halt. I even warned the people around me that I was worried about it, because it's all very emotional; the highs from the successful performances. to the let down of it being over, to the pile-up of uninspiring work on the home front that needs to be tackled, to the utter boredom and sense of uselessness because the thrill and hard work and inspiration is gone. Oh, and did I mention the disappointments that start plaguing the mind, about people who didn't care enough to come out for the shows, or other various things that spring up to have to battle?

For me, more than anything, its the sudden lack of connection with the many people I've bonded with and taught music to for several weeks; its the lack of motivation to practice, because there's nothing challenging on the horizon to work towards; its the end of three major projects with very little to fill the void.

The depression and blues try to take over. Those closest, don't understand. And I mean CLUELESS!! I fade away into the background, because I suddenly can't connect to people easily with all the roller-coaster of emotion I'm working through. Its literally a grieving process. Seems silly, but it can't be helped. And then, there's the people who say, "I bet its a relief that its all over!" NO!!! Its not. I feel lost.

Having Thanksgiving holiday right now does not help. Having three of my six children somewhere else in the world and not home, does not help. Having none of my extended family to spend the meal together with, adds fuel to the sadness. I CAN find things to be thankful for, of course, but sadness is what I'm really feeling.

I'm making plans to start teaching privately again. I wish I felt more excited about it. I guess I like project-oriented stuff. There are plenty of things in my life that I do, regularly, for work. Some weeks I like what I'm doing just fine or at least I don't mine it. Other weeks it is painful and a drudgery, but I keep going. I keep moving forward. ITS NOT INSPIRATIONAL! Not everything has to be, however, I'm an artist. I am motivated by doing things that require my creative abilities--and when they are running full throttle, it motivates me to get all the less inspiring things accomplished, as well. It keeps me in a good place mentally. My soul is fed. This is how I am wired.

So, for now I'm a bit lost. It won't last forever. Its just something I must work through. I was just about to start rehearsals this coming week for an original play to be performed in January, but wouldn't you know, there was a scheduling conflict that caused me to decline the role. Its hitting me kind of hard and I'm a little angry. There are reasons for that, but it was my own choice to forego the play. I could have chosen to do it and skip out on one of the conflicts. Instead, I am "dying to self" on this one... and I don't like "dying to self." If I felt I was making the choice because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe I'd be ok about it. Instead, I just feel like my needs aren't always that important... or maybe they just aren't understood. But then again, maybe I don't need what I think I need to be a person who makes a difference in this world.

I'll need to keep taking trips to the beach so at least Peppermint will be happy. Pepper's needs are important, too.

Crazy Daze Approaching

This girl is graduating Valedictorian! Graduation is not until June 29th. The day going to take forever to get here. Jennah has already taken all her AP exams of which comprised the majority of her classes this year. The concerts are done, and there's very little reason left to go to school. To watch movies all day. AGH. Except for gym. You can't miss gym class or you'll fail. Can you imagine?

So there are upcoming luncheons for Valedictorian and also for scholarship awards. There is a senior cruise coming up to the Bahamas. The Teeny Awards is also coming. Jennah was nominated for best actress in a musical. Also, the Snoopy cast was nominated for outstanding ensemble. So that's exciting. We have a graduation party to plan. Two birthdays coming up, a trip to Alaska, two summer weddings and one in the fall, a send off 1500 miles away for this girls first year in college.

This next girl doesn't know how she's going to survive the remaining two years of her high school career without her sister. Lizzy's going to find herself maturing quite a bit this coming year. So will Caleigh, I'm sure.

She's been an expert learning driver. She claims its from all the practice she got driving the DeGroot's golf cart for the last several years. She may be right. That still doesn't make me feel totally carefree about driving in the Hamptons as our big summer season approaches.  

From Memorial Day to Labor Day it becomes CRAY CRAY around here. We have NYC drivers flooding out to their vacation homes, making all kinds of demands on the locals who work for them on their estates. It has to be PERFECT!!! And the driving becomes mad! Its as if these summer folks are still on the city streets. Or maybe its more about them finally getting a chance to drive their fancy cars and zoom around on these small backroads. "Oh! Is that a 4-way stop? I will just go ahead with this car in front of me to save some time, rather than make another complete stop." And the locals go a bit bazurk because of the complete idiot driving that takes place... which in turn makes a lot of the locals the idiots as well.

And then we have the gazillion workers who are undocumented and non-licensed, who are driving around, not necessarily cognizant of the rules of the road...

Well, things like this happen!

Nate is bummed about his new car!! One of those kind of workers I talked about, blew the stop sign and took a left turn into traffic coming from both directions. Nate tried to stop and veer to the right but the other truck couldn't avoid hitting the idiot driver right and pushed it right into Nate's car. Thankfully he is ok. The car is a goner.

So, prayers are needed for the two girls with their learner's permits in this kind of traffic chaos... and prayers for my new Cady, too. LOL.

Anika's on her drive home from FL. The house will be full again by Saturday. There is some shifting around in our house that needs to take place in order to make room. Its a treat to have my kids still all so close to home for the summer. The house is a wreck and needs a super cleaning. (Whatever). They are all working which makes it tough to get them to remember to pick up their own belongings from the common spaces. But I'll take that annoyance, if it means getting to have this valuable time with them. I hope during this season in their impressionable adult lives that Terry and I can continue to impress God's love on them and His ways. The strong worldly current of our society has a strong pull. We are counting on the kids' roots to have grown deep.

Besides that...

The Spring Concert was fabulous. The music program and drama program in Bridgehampton are really beginning to take off. Its been very satisfying to be a part of it and to see my children lead the way in part, with their love for the arts and amazing talents. May it continue for many years. The school's music program is going to miss the six graduating seniors.

P.S. Yes, there are only SIX seniors in Jennah's class!

Behind the Waterfall

This is where I should have gone as soon as all the major festivities came to an end. I could have had a meltdown in this place and been completely comforted and calmed--perfect peace which transcends all my thoughts and understanding.

How many times have a poured out everything--given all I can give, maybe spreading myself too thin--because of wanting to experience, together with others, life at its fullest? Just for a moment. Just for the joy of it. But even when I tell myself to "be ready for when its over," I'm never quite prepared for the loss I feel. The higher the climb and greater the joy, sometimes means the harder and more painful the fall.

I had forgotten all about climbing behind the waterfall. Its been a long time since I'd been to the top of it and took that leap. Instead of knowing what to do this time, when I reached the end of it, I got caught underneath the enormous pressure. I was caught in the undercurrent and felt pounded; unable to breathe or be released from the turmoil. I panicked! Even though I've been through all of this before, I didn't prepare to be hurt. I didn't plan my exit strategy. And let me tell you, there is a lot of garbage stirring around at the bottom of the falls. I think I was trying to clean a lot of it up while I was down there, too. Not possible. Big mistake. Not my job. I was getting entangled and trapped and it caused an even greater sense of desperation.

I've been grasping for someone to help me, to rescue me and somehow find a way for me to come up for air, but it wasn't apparent to anyone where I was. Drowning. Its simply not expected for this to happen. People go on there way and don't think twice about my personal leap. My screams for help go undetected or get misunderstood. The waving arms, the stomping of feet and pounding of fists, is misjudged. I feel deeply the disapproval for my actions. The enemy of my soul uses everything to war against my mind and emotions. The lies he feeds me. The shame. The loneliness.

Behind the falls I go, where the Lord can battle the enemy for me. He will steady my heart and my mind. He will take away my shame and raise me up with Him once again, because He loves me.  He gives me renewed strength and I wholeheartedly put all of my trust in Him.

Drama! Drama! Drama!

Here's the cast singing their final song of the show "If Just One Person Believes in You"

Opening song "The World According to Snoopy" with Jennah playing Snoopy

That's me (Schroeder), playing the Overture

Here they are singing one of my favorites "Edgar Allen Poe." Lizzy is in the middle playing Charlie Brown.

"The Vigil" being sung by Linus with Snoopy and Woodstock staying with him in the patch until the Great Pumpkin arrives.

The peanuts gang see all kinds of shapes in the clouds for the song "Clouds" and poor Chuck gets sung over every time he tries to say what he sees. Cute number.

What a fabulous time we had preparing for the show and performing it.  Its become super clear to me that kids have (we all have) plenty of drama in our lives, but it makes such a difference to have the opportunity to express it on stage. Its a lot more positive to be dramatic and express emotions and thoughts in a show, than to create ridiculous drama in real life with senseless scenarios, potentially bringing others down for no good reason. There are lots of people who absolutely NEED drama in their lives. They are addicted to it even. Its dysfunction at its finest. I say, "Do yourself a favor and get involved with theater!!" It takes a lot more commitment and character to apply yourself in theater, than to stir up trouble among your community. However, self created drama is easier and more natural. It doesn't require character development, so the people who truly need to find a better outlet for their drama, usually won't find the theater. Its sad but true. Sometimes, some of the most emotional and dramatic kids really only need an outlet to perform, where they can receive attention in a positive way. Other kids won't take that step, and they will ultimately grow up demonstrating dysfunction in all of their relationships. They will teach it to their children as well.

Don't get me wrong, there is a ton of dysfunction among performers as well, but just think of what those crazy theater people would be like if they didn't even have the stage as an outlet. HOLY COW THAT WOULD BE BAD!!! hahaha All I'm saying is that there are a lot of kids who need the opportunity to perform in the dramatic arts. And its wonderful that the Bridgehampton School is providing that opportunity for its students now. Hooray!

Anyway, "coming down" from this show is going to be tough, even personally for me. I've spent countless hours working on the music and a bunch of other aspects for this program. Its been a great time for me!!! Its what I enjoy doing. Terry asked me what the next big thing was that we should be getting ready for. All I could come up with was Jennah's graduation, which isn't until the end of June. There must be something ELSE happening in between!!!  Not just the mundane regular stuff... (Oh wait. I just thought of something).

Life Has Been Challenging

Our Sad News

Noah got sick two weeks ago and died quite suddenly, devastating our hearts. He blessed our lives immensely and we all rued the day when he would no longer be with us. It was a topic that came up at dinner many times over the past year. I guess it was because he turned 12 in January and maybe we sensed that he wouldn't be around for much longer. He was gentle and easy-going without ever making any demands. He did whine for us to take him for a walk, because going for a walk was his greatest pleasure in life, a walk... and sleeping. And an occasional london broil off the counter. And the neighbors garbage.

Of course we have Peppermint. She hasn't written anything on her blog for a while. She's run out of things to say, and now she feels a little lonely. But I think she also thinks she is the queen of the house. She doesn't eat her food all that much lately. She doesn't have to protect her portion from Noah anymore. So Caleigh thinks its necessary to feed her one morsel at a time.

So dogs are on my mind a lot. The Bridgehampton High School is putting on its first full scale musical production this year. They put on Night on Broadway: A Musical Revue last year which was fantastic. Lizzy and Jennah were two of the four cast members and I just thought it was excellent. This year they are doing Snoopy: The Musical. Its such a fun show. I remember my roommate at college (Sohailah) music directing the show at Oral Roberts University. I auditioned and was cast as Lucy but I declined the role because I had to choose between doing the show or participating in Summer Music Ministries. That is a decision I still question to this day, but it doesn't matter anymore. I will be music directing this show and Jennah is Snoopy.

My life is suddenly busy with two musicals happening at the same time. I'm doing the show "13" with the Sag Harbor Middle School. Its another fun show as well. I love doing it. However, I tend to have my ups and downs in the process. I was hoping to overcome the self-doubt this time around. People obviously believe in me. They keep having me back and I get more jobs as I start becoming known in the field, but I have times where I assume they aren't happy with me and I'm not doing my job well enough. Sheesh. Why do I do this to myself? Its just part of how I'm wired.

I had a bit of a meltdown this past week with my other line of work which involves managing a facility that people rent for events, both private and public. Usually its not a very stressful job and I can set my own hours and set up meetings at my own convenience. But every once-in-a-while I have tenants who are much more demanding and have expectations that one might have when renting a big-time facility. They ask for meeting upon meeting and they want this and that and ask for things that can't happen at our facility. And have tantrums when they can't get their way. Some people want it all for nothing, and disrespect the time frame they've been given to be packed up and cleaned up. And they on't get their payments or contracts in on time but argue with me when I say I'm canceling their dates based on their not showing that they really want the space and someone else does.

One of my greatest interpersonal struggles is with a person who is so ambitious that they manipulate and connive and lie in order to get what they want. Passive/Aggression!! It pushes all my buttons and when I run across this type in my job, I can't just run away. I've learned how to operate fairly well in this situation, but people do sometimes take my kindness or laid back approach as weakness and will try to take advantage. Fact is, I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of and there is ALWAYS a violent reaction to my clear boundaries when they discover I'm not all the easy. If I am caught in the middle of a situation--I had two instances these past two weeks, where I was in the middle and couldn't really make decisions or direct the people--I can become a little frustrated... or not. I was successful in letting things ride out in one of the situations, but in the other, I ended up attempting to intervene and it was a bad idea... I guess. Actually it brought everything to the forefront which isn't bad in my opinion, but it was NOT pleasant. It ended up being very ugly.

These people are definitely on my doo-doo list, however, I still have to deal with them. They are spiteful and will continue to bad mouth for as long as they feel is necessary to pay back for not getting what they want. So, they have poured out their shame and lies, and I have worked really hard not to come under that, which is difficult for me. Its especially difficult because in my "intervening" I lost a little of the respect of people close to me. NOT REALLY lost respect, but kind of.  I HATE that. I'm a people pleaser and I hate when I do something that disappoints. So, in all reality, that's been my struggle these past few weeks. Feeling like I've disappointed people close to me... even about Noah, if truth be told.

Maybe I could have stayed home from the youth retreat to make sure he was ok. The boys didn't really know that he was in distress. Noah didn't complain much. Maybe I should have taken him to a different vet because I truly felt they weren't taking that great of concern about him. Its been very sad dealing with these feelings, that I could have done something differently. I guess that's normal.

And the youth retreat was some what of a disappointment too, but I had very little to do with that. We couldn't control the weather or who the kids got as their counselors. It just felt like a bunch of disappointments have all jumbled together. Disappointment about the retreat, and then coming home to Noah struggling for his last breath, and then the politics surrounding the musicals, as well as dealing with the clients at work, and Lil's work computer crashing on me, and feeling like it was my fault (even though I know that it wasn't).

These past two weeks have not been so good to me.

It Was All So Very Exciting

So only 3 weeks after Christmas my 5th child (Lizzy) has a birthday. Two weeks later, my 6th child (Caleigh) has a birthday. And then, two weeks after that my 2nd child (Nate) has one also. So, where most people get a lull in their schedules over the winter months, ours is full... and somewhat stressful.

Lizzy turned 16 this past week. She's a child who doesn't ever demand anything, really, but... ASKS for everything. I told her she has a gift! Its become apparent that people WANT to give her the things she asks for. I don't know why. The night before she turned 16, her two besties "surprise decorated" her bedroom while her sister took her out shopping as a distraction.

Then they gave her a Michael Kor watch $$$ and brought her over to a friends to make sure they all celebrated her birth, once it was midnight.

The next day she had her besties hanging with her all day long and later, got to have her birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant together with them (and me).

This was a good plan, because while we were eating out, her other friends were gathering at our house to surprise her when we got home. Poor Terry was sicker than a dog, so he stayed in the bedroom mostly.

She was very surprised and delighted to be loved and cheered. The friends stuck around for a while, had ice cream cake, gave her the big time spanking machine and then went home because it was a school night.

The next day I was picking Lizzy and Caleigh up early from school to go into the city to see Wicked for their birthdays... only... a BIG snowstorm was forecast (8-12" with blizzard conditions). I went through all the scenarios for several hours throughout the morning as the snow began to fall about 2 hours earlier than predicted. Ayi yi yi. Here's how it went on FB. (Idea stolen from Just Mom's blog).

January 20 Karen Taking the birthday girls to see Wicked tomorrow. Hoping the "impending doom" won't ruin our plans. 

January 21 Karen First I will take emergenC to to boost the immune system. Then some quiet time and reading. Next a shower and off to work before lunch. (And snow). Then it's kids pickup and heading to NYC to see Wicked. Maybe we will make it home tonight or maybe not.   

January 21 Karen So far I've already vered greatly from the said plan.

January 21 at 2:41pm Karen It went more like this... drank cup of water, took down bday decorations downstairs, took down decorations upstairs, switched over laundry, gather 4 more loads of laundry from Lizzy's room, vacuumed all the confetti from the entire house (confetti is of the devil!!), had a cup of emergenC, bowl of cereal, cup of coffee, quiet time and reading, more laundry, walked the dogs, did a little office work (very little), post office, school pick up, and then decided to take the train and get a hotel. Will we arrive to the Gershwin theater in time??? Ayi yi yi.

January 21 Karen It's snowing.

                 

January 21 at 1:58pm Karen I think we've added another person to our count. She wants the adventure.
January 21 at 2:21pm · Karen Jennah is coming too. woohoo
January 21 Karen New plan. We're taking the train and staying overnight in a hotel. Say a prayer. This had better be the best performance evah!             

January 21 at 2:33pm Joan Great idea, I was thinking about you driving to NYC today on my treacherous drive to Springs.January 21 at 2:36pm Karen I hope we make it in time. 

January 21 Karen We are on the train. 

January 21 Karen The conductor just announced a delay due to equipment trouble. Agh

January 21 Karen Oh Jesus please. We don't have time for delays. 

Karen Moving again. This is stressful. 
Paula You have 3hours ...right? Curtain at8.
January 21 at 5:01pm · Like
Karen  Curtain at 7 waaaahhhh
January 21 at 5:02pm · Like
Karen This happened to us before when going to see Miranda. Her show was only an hour and we missed the first 20 minutes because of train delaysJanuary 21 at 5:03pm · Like
Paula You are still in okay shape....it will be great...and you'll have a fun story!
January 21 at 5:04pm · Unlike · 1
Paula I wrote that before I knew you missed 20min...
January 21 at 5:04pm · Like
Karen At least wicked is 2hr20m!!
January 21 at 5:09pm · Like · 1
Melanie  Hopefully they still show it.
January 21 at 5:15pm · Like
Karen  The show must go on but I wouldn't mind if they held the curtain for us.
January 21 at 5:22pm · Like 

Paula Are uou there yet???
January 21 at 6:46pm · Like
Todd There will be singing, dancing, jazz hands...you'll catch up. Have fun!
January 21 at 6:47pm · Unlike · 2

Karen  We are late. Only at Jamaica
January 21 at 7:01pm · Like
Sohailah Oh Karen. Blech.
January 21 at 7:05pm · Like
Paula  Oh dear...

January 21 at 7:10pm · Like 

Karen  Not even at penn station yet
January 21 at 7:02pm · Like
PatriciaOh man!
January 21 at 7:39pm · Like  

January 22  Karen So we had a lovely 4 hour train ride to the city. Many mechanical problems took place to get us to Penn station an hour late. Missed the show but our tix will be honored for another date. We ate dinner at Rice and Beans on 9th Ave and 51st. It was amazing!!! Staying the night in a pricey hotel.

January 22 Karen So this is what ended up doing. Cake Boss!

January 22 Karen This about sums it up. We are catching the train home. Watch video

January 22 Karen These two beauties and Mr Buttcrack photo bombing in the background.

So Lizzy enjoyed the whole thing. SHE LOVES NYC and wants to live there. Caleigh is only happy to hear that we can see Wicked only a few short daze after her Super Bowl birthday. So there you go. The Karenkool adventures.