Life as I Know It

I certainly don't write enough for my own good. Its been therapy and a creative outlet for me since I was a teen. But, Lord knows how many times I've gotten myself into trouble by writing what I thought needed to be read--you know, expressing my thoughts; trying to passionately prove some kind of point; wanting to encourage someone or give advice; venting frustration through humor and sarcasm (this one gets me into trouble the most). Today it just feels confusing. I have way to many thoughts and concerns flooding my mind.

My rehearsal season is going full throttle and I'm only feeling loosely connected to the people who know me best. Its been busy busy busy so I'm not getting a full "download" from my friends, nor are they getting mine. I think about all the kids I know who've gone off to college for their first year and are feeling a similar loss of connection. Everything is new and different and they are now in a position where its time to develop some new relationships. And that just doesn't happen overnight so there's a gap. And it doesn't feel completely comfortable and connected yet. Of course, once I get comfortable with my new "circle" the production suddenly comes to an end and the rug is pulled out from under all my newly developed friendships, which leaves me to try reconnecting with my tried and true friends for a brief moment, only to start all over with a new cast and new set of rehearsals. VICIOUS CYCLE!!

Anyway, my youngest of six (Caleigh) is in 9th grade now!!!!! She's not the only one left at home presently, but come winter, my two oldest boyz (Luke and Nate) will be off on their adventures, Not sure what adventure Anika will decide upon, Jennah and Liz are off at college... so it may just be Caleigh and the dogs left at home for Terry and I. WEIRD! I'm sure its good that my schedule is filled for the year.

I'm finally leaving the organist/pianist/vocalist position at the Methodist church. Its been nine years and 5 pastors. The memberships remains a solid 20 people and I'm ready to return to more of the style of worship I enjoy. One of the pastors a few years back, wanted to bring the more modern approach of music and teaching to the Methodist congregation, however, it really didn't go over very well. It was unlike anything they knew and he was rather abrupt about it. Some of the younger crowd actually loved having a modern style of music and a modern day message which challenged their walk of faith, but those other ones who have been around for years and years held on tight to certain traditions and passionately resisted the change, or at least they didn't understand it and made noise about it, so the underlining battle ensued. It wasn't pretty in the end. Ugh! So, pastor #5 has been plugging away these past 2 years, trying to help the church to grow, but I'm done! A few more Sundays to go and I will officially be out. Truth be told, its never easy for me, at any church. I've been around the block. I've seen and experienced a lot--both amazing and awful and everywhere in between. I'm not sure what I want to do next or what God wants me to do at this point. But I know that I am spiritually dry and want to return to a place of richness that I've known in my personal walk of faith. Worship through music has been a big part of my connection to God. Not sure how to get back... or discover the newness of it. But I will say this as a side note: trying to present a style of modern worship music to a group of people who are completely unaccustomed to anything besides hymns may just end up feeling like a "funeral dirge" to them. Yah, that's what someone said yesterday about their experience with it 3 years ago. I kind of felt spanked! I'm sure I'll understand it all better when I'm 80. Hopefully I will also remember how I feel about it now, at (almost) 49.

I have many other things to write about, but this is enough. I have to go practice more on the two musical scores I'm rehearsing for this fall season. First Date runs Oct 13-30 and Catch Me if You Can runs Nov 4-13. I will have six straight weeks without a SINGLE night off. I'm scared.

P.S. This is one of the views we saw back in August when we dropped Liz off to college in San Diego--Point Loma Nazarene University. This is her campus. AMAZING!

Professionalism--The Journey

professional |prəˈfeSHənl| nouna person engaged or qualified in a profession• a person engaged in a specified activity, especially a sport or branch of the performing arts, as a main paid occupation rather than as a pastime.• a person competent or skilled in a particular activity
professionalism |prəˈfeSHənlˌizəm| nounthe competence or skill expected of a professional • the practicing of an activity, especially a sport, byprofessional rather than amateur players

I run across many types of people in my circle. My every day life easily flows between a professional and amateur world and I must appreciate both in order to be successful. Its an interesting life, an interesting culture, and I'm regularly intrigued by the people around me. Sometimes I'm annoyed by stupid people, but that doesn't negate my fascination with them. It quite possibly escalates my curiosity (unless I'm super busy, or hormonal, or sleep deprived). There are a few people I've been recently been dealing with who seriously need a throat punch, but I'll save that for another day! Today we are taking a look at the "journey to professionalism" where throat punching could be a serious obstacle.
My lengthy struggle to understand whether I could be considered a professional or not began in my 20s- post-college. My confusion came with the fact that I threw my entire life and skill set into a church organization right after graduation and marriage. It was something I loved and enjoyed, but it was completely voluntary i.e. without pay. There was very little realization by those around me of my competence, partly because #1. I was a female (not even kidding that this was an issue), #2. I was in my 20s (young and dumb? definitely rough around the edges), #3. I started having children at 23 (pregnancy didn't stop me from anything, but it held others at bay), and #4. I chose to walk humbly along (most of the time), offering my time, energy and expertise, purely as an offering to God.
Years later, after gaining tons of experience, some maturity, and depth on many, many levels, my world is very different. It took a long time for me to understand my true value in the professional world. It took a few run-ins and "misunderstandings" to see the vast difference in MY sense of professionalism in comparison to certain others who were being paid for a job but proving very incompetent for the position. While this realization was going on for me, it felt like an injustice to see employer-types settling for crap. I was dumbfounded and outraged even, but I would look for ways to (voluntarily) support and help, just to be sure the product was decent in the end. But to see the incompetence continue was enough to finally push me over the edge, into the professional world. It was time to express my desire to be hired for jobs and produce something better. And so I was. It felt great. It still feels great.  Many times its a road of stress and anxiety, but I'm learning how to relax. I will never be quite as good as I want to be, however, the people who hire me LOVE my work, both my dedication and the quality. They see that I have a way with people and have great productivity, so, that has helped me to be ok with myself and actually be proud of my work.
The process of becoming who I am today is real. Its tangible. Its interesting (if only to me). I'm captured with people's progression in life. I've learned to be patient and believe that God makes His way into the hearts of His children--through the good times and through the bad.
I have prospects for the future that keep my path in an ever-unpredictable state. It continues to be challenging and never the same, year after year. I would get bored and complacent. That's who I am and how I'm wired. I am reliable and consistent, but also open to change, as life unveils the next step. 
What's your story?

Crazy Daze Approaching

This girl is graduating Valedictorian! Graduation is not until June 29th. The day going to take forever to get here. Jennah has already taken all her AP exams of which comprised the majority of her classes this year. The concerts are done, and there's very little reason left to go to school. To watch movies all day. AGH. Except for gym. You can't miss gym class or you'll fail. Can you imagine?

So there are upcoming luncheons for Valedictorian and also for scholarship awards. There is a senior cruise coming up to the Bahamas. The Teeny Awards is also coming. Jennah was nominated for best actress in a musical. Also, the Snoopy cast was nominated for outstanding ensemble. So that's exciting. We have a graduation party to plan. Two birthdays coming up, a trip to Alaska, two summer weddings and one in the fall, a send off 1500 miles away for this girls first year in college.

This next girl doesn't know how she's going to survive the remaining two years of her high school career without her sister. Lizzy's going to find herself maturing quite a bit this coming year. So will Caleigh, I'm sure.

She's been an expert learning driver. She claims its from all the practice she got driving the DeGroot's golf cart for the last several years. She may be right. That still doesn't make me feel totally carefree about driving in the Hamptons as our big summer season approaches.  

From Memorial Day to Labor Day it becomes CRAY CRAY around here. We have NYC drivers flooding out to their vacation homes, making all kinds of demands on the locals who work for them on their estates. It has to be PERFECT!!! And the driving becomes mad! Its as if these summer folks are still on the city streets. Or maybe its more about them finally getting a chance to drive their fancy cars and zoom around on these small backroads. "Oh! Is that a 4-way stop? I will just go ahead with this car in front of me to save some time, rather than make another complete stop." And the locals go a bit bazurk because of the complete idiot driving that takes place... which in turn makes a lot of the locals the idiots as well.

And then we have the gazillion workers who are undocumented and non-licensed, who are driving around, not necessarily cognizant of the rules of the road...

Well, things like this happen!

Nate is bummed about his new car!! One of those kind of workers I talked about, blew the stop sign and took a left turn into traffic coming from both directions. Nate tried to stop and veer to the right but the other truck couldn't avoid hitting the idiot driver right and pushed it right into Nate's car. Thankfully he is ok. The car is a goner.

So, prayers are needed for the two girls with their learner's permits in this kind of traffic chaos... and prayers for my new Cady, too. LOL.

Anika's on her drive home from FL. The house will be full again by Saturday. There is some shifting around in our house that needs to take place in order to make room. Its a treat to have my kids still all so close to home for the summer. The house is a wreck and needs a super cleaning. (Whatever). They are all working which makes it tough to get them to remember to pick up their own belongings from the common spaces. But I'll take that annoyance, if it means getting to have this valuable time with them. I hope during this season in their impressionable adult lives that Terry and I can continue to impress God's love on them and His ways. The strong worldly current of our society has a strong pull. We are counting on the kids' roots to have grown deep.

Besides that...

The Spring Concert was fabulous. The music program and drama program in Bridgehampton are really beginning to take off. Its been very satisfying to be a part of it and to see my children lead the way in part, with their love for the arts and amazing talents. May it continue for many years. The school's music program is going to miss the six graduating seniors.

P.S. Yes, there are only SIX seniors in Jennah's class!

Behind the Waterfall

This is where I should have gone as soon as all the major festivities came to an end. I could have had a meltdown in this place and been completely comforted and calmed--perfect peace which transcends all my thoughts and understanding.

How many times have a poured out everything--given all I can give, maybe spreading myself too thin--because of wanting to experience, together with others, life at its fullest? Just for a moment. Just for the joy of it. But even when I tell myself to "be ready for when its over," I'm never quite prepared for the loss I feel. The higher the climb and greater the joy, sometimes means the harder and more painful the fall.

I had forgotten all about climbing behind the waterfall. Its been a long time since I'd been to the top of it and took that leap. Instead of knowing what to do this time, when I reached the end of it, I got caught underneath the enormous pressure. I was caught in the undercurrent and felt pounded; unable to breathe or be released from the turmoil. I panicked! Even though I've been through all of this before, I didn't prepare to be hurt. I didn't plan my exit strategy. And let me tell you, there is a lot of garbage stirring around at the bottom of the falls. I think I was trying to clean a lot of it up while I was down there, too. Not possible. Big mistake. Not my job. I was getting entangled and trapped and it caused an even greater sense of desperation.

I've been grasping for someone to help me, to rescue me and somehow find a way for me to come up for air, but it wasn't apparent to anyone where I was. Drowning. Its simply not expected for this to happen. People go on there way and don't think twice about my personal leap. My screams for help go undetected or get misunderstood. The waving arms, the stomping of feet and pounding of fists, is misjudged. I feel deeply the disapproval for my actions. The enemy of my soul uses everything to war against my mind and emotions. The lies he feeds me. The shame. The loneliness.

Behind the falls I go, where the Lord can battle the enemy for me. He will steady my heart and my mind. He will take away my shame and raise me up with Him once again, because He loves me.  He gives me renewed strength and I wholeheartedly put all of my trust in Him.

Ever Wanna Just School Somebody?

Sometimes I get the urge! I've learned to resist it, especially when it comes to people who aren't looking to be "told" if you get my meaning.

Side note: Its a completely different concept if we are talking about my own children and training them or advising them as they are growing up. Sometimes they get "told" whether they like it or not. heh heh heh

I use to think it was my duty as a church leader to "help people" gain the right perspective, as if I had a monopoly on the right perspective. Ah those were the daze. I definitely had some memorable run-ins with the feisty ones and basic turn-offs with the more passive ones, usually leaving me rather baffled.

Live and learn. I've done a little of both since those earlier daze and become a lot less judgmental about what is right for other people. More importantly, I've learned how to allow others their own path to discovery.  They really don't need me to lead them to any particular revelation about themselves. If they desire to discover truth, they will do it all on their own, just like I have. One of the most significant tools I've gained to date, is knowing that I can share my story with those who care to listen--maybe it will have an impact or maybe not--but my areas of growth are mine. My story is my story. My discoveries are specific to me! No one can take them away from me, and respectfully, I don't need to make them out to be something everyone else has to also learn.

Living my life this way has opened up a lot more doors than one would think. I guess my challenge now comes with those people who act like they know what everyone needs, or have their passive/aggressive judgmental comments peppered into conversations. I still want to school those people. But I will refrain. I used to BE them. Instead, I will continue on my journey of growth and discovery. I'm still not perfect--YET!!!!

P.S. If you want to know how to be Kool like me, let me know. I can help. ;-)

My Former Driven Life

Have you ever discovered an unhealthy behavior about yourself, decided to get the help and endure the  pain to become a healthier person, only to work doubly hard not to judge someone else close to you, who seems to display that former habit you overcame? Its impossible for me to get "close" to another person who displays certain characteristics that I walked away from, because it triggers me. I become very bothered by what I think they are "stuck in" and I WANT TO FIX THEM! haha

I spent a good couple of years working explicitly on changing my co-dependent behaviors which I knew nothing about until my life wound up in a heap of unmanageable chaos. My personal tendencies included things like:

• having no real boundaries in relationships, 
• taking care of everyone else's needs to the point of my needs not being important (to me or anyone else), 
• having an inability to say no because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, 
• being a total people-pleaser, 
• not valuing my own opinion enough to feel ok if someone disagreed or challenged me, 
• spiraling into self-hatred if I made a mistake no matter how minor,
• needing everyone to feel good and happy

I put a lot of pressure on myself to help everyone I possibly could. It was a formula for continual disappointment. People like to complain about their problems, and they want others to listen, but that doesn't mean they want me or anyone else to fix them. And 9 times out of 10, if someone tells them what they "need to do" they won't do it, just because. People want to found their own answers, which is why I've learned to listen and let people feel whatever they are feeling without correcting them. Its been much more effective when I share my own stories in life, without having those underlying motives, to somehow help others finding their way. Its not up to me to do it for them.

So, I bite my tongue. When my friend tells me her string of events for the day, seemingly proud of how much she did and how crazy her schedule is and the amount of things she does for everyone... all the accomplishments... sure its amazing. But is it healthy? I am doing my best not to transfer my experiences and shortcomings to anyone else and their life experiences. I can say that just listening to it, though, triggers a sense of resentment towards that life. It was my former life... in the ministry. "Pastor's wife" was my title (how thrilling)... with lots of young kids to mother, and they didn't always behave perfectly in the fishbowl. I remember feeling acceptable mostly based on all of the things I was able to accomplish and do for others. The things I did, the energy I expended for others made me feel valued, but if I were criticized by someone, suddenly my house of cards crumbled. I believed at that point I must not be good enough. I wasn't doing things right. Somethings wrong with me because not everyone liked me. Not everyone was happy with my work. Horrors.

I'm glad to be free of that. crap!!! Yes, I am busy. You can't have six kids, all still living at home, and not be busy. But I'm not driven anymore. I don't care if I please everyone. HAH! Lots of times I know I don't please everyone. Sure it can still be a battle, but I've learned to resist the urges to make everything perfect in order to be acceptable to everyone. < - - how stupid to think that's even possible

So, we had youth group at our house last night for the summer kick off and I wasn't home all day to clean, cook, bake or even tidy up the kitchen counter or the pool area. The kids were home making messed with their friends and doing NOTHING. I was out taking pictures of Jennah for Prom Night when everyone arrived. My house was a disaster!!! ...but guess what. I DON'T CARE!! And neither do the kids. Admittedly, I was a little annoyed when I came home, because I kicked into hospitality mode only to find that we had no paper cups, no plastic forks, were low on drinks, etc. Unprepared! Earlier in the week I made it very clear to the youth leader (my husband) that I wasn't able to help prepare this week. See, I can say "no" fairly easily now. And when I say no, I'm learning to be ok if things aren't done perfectly by someone else. The kids don't care. Trust me, they don't even notice.

Kool Fireside Chat

Some people find a fireside to be a wonderful place to relax. We don't build too many fires in our fireplace through the winter, but we do in the summer at the outdoor firepit. Its not quite summertime yet, but the firepit has been used throughout the winter (not by me... not once).

Lizzy had some friends over a few weeks ago for s'mores around the fire and then a movie on the trampoline. Aaah good times in the cold night air. So they each had their own blanket, some from the attic and closets, and a few from the wicker basket. I had about 13 blankets to wash because they all smelled like a bon fire and were dragged through the dirt and woods. NICE!!

About a week later, the trampoline gave way to a huge rip right down the middle. Thankfully no one was hurt. The winter was brutal on that old thing. Now its been dismantled and on its way to the dump. (Did I mention that one set of legs completely broke off a few days after that?) DANGEROUS!

Now that the trampoline is gone we have a wonderful new area of the yard to use. So, Luke decided to move the brick firepit over to the nice, level, cleared spot... a place where there are less spiders and creepy crawlers to worry about because it gets more sunlight during the day. And the neighbor boys did a fine job of clearing all the leaves out. Next thing Luke decided was to purchase a yard wagon that could also be pulled behind his quad. His new toy. He's been gathering firewood from the woods, wouldn't you know. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...?

I'm really looking forward to this summer. There is still a lot of work to do around here in preparation, which I'm not necessarily looking forward to. This weekend we will be getting a load of mulch, and when I say "a load"... HOLY MACKEREL!!! Hopefully, the neighbor boyz will be by for some more money-making, back-breaking work. Last year its was just Terry, Caleigh, and me along with my parents (who are in the mid 70s but very strong and spry) spreading that stuff throughout. It was a HUGE amount of work!!!

The pool won't be open until mid-June most likely. It doesn't get warm enough here to swim until about then. However, Peppermint begs to differ. She is already taking full baths in the water, She runs out on the cover and as it dips down into the water the rolls around like a bird. The she runs to the perennials and rolls in the grass and dirt to dry off. DOGGIE DOOR FLAP IN PLACE!

Anika is finishing up her first year of college this week and coming home on Tuesday. Let the fighting over the king-size bed begin. She and Lizzy adore each other, but not when it comes to the bed territory. If it weren't for "Messy Jess" aka LIZZY, covering the bed with every piece of electronics and clothing and bags and shoes from her closet, it would be big enough to sleep all four of the girls, so I don't know what they are arguing about. But they will have to fight it out. Anika has landed a great nanny job for the summer which may even bring her to Canada and other places of travel. Woohoo. Also, Jolene is coming in July, so we have some rearranging of bedrooms to do before then.

Finally, the artwork has been hung!! HOORAY!!! Its a major accomplishment. We purchased several pieces at the auction on our cruise to Bermuda last year, but it took forever to get them up on the wall. I was able to get one up in the bathroom once that reno was done.  (Its actually my favorite one). But then we had to paint the family room with an accent wall before hanging the others. I like the one orange wall against the paintings. Its pretty cool. We just need to get the other three walls in the room changed from the light green to a cream-white. That wasn't all though. There were three more paintings that needed to be hung.  We put them up in the kitchen, in place of our wonderful, but 5 years outdated, family pictures. I will say, the kitchen walls REALLY need painting. Once all of that happens I will be happy. Nah. I'm happy anyway. But you know what I mean.

P.S. Lots of prayers are being made for baby Beckham who has had his second successful open heart surgery since his early birth in December. He has a journey ahead of him yet, but its been a beautiful story so far. I'm also praying for a friend who has had a recent and unexpected loss which is very sad, but I believe God will bring joy in the morning. And in addition, another dear friend, Melanie, would love prayer for her father, John, who was just diagnosed this week with stage 4 liver cancer. We believe it can be beat. Nothing is impossible with God!! For all you prayer warriors, please lift these requests to the Lord.

The Adventures of Karenkool

I have not had much time to blog this month. Did you miss me? Yea, I thought so. Hahaha.

So many opportunities have come along for me lately, which have been really inspiring for my creative side. I'm sure I've mentioned before, how I've grown up with this attitude of downplaying my accomplishments; acting like my performances and what not are just a normal everyday thing and no big deal. There are many reasons for that, but it probably all goes back to my former "people pleaser" tendencies. I would downplay things I really needed to be cheered for because I didn't want people not to like me for shining too brightly. But really, I have a personality the needs to be applauded and encouraged and told when I've done something good or pleasing. Its just how I was wired.

You can definitely say I've never really been a prima dona--a diva. Divas wouldn't care less who likes them or not. They are all about being the "biggest thing going" for miles around. But I'm the opposite. I'm usually concerned that everyone around me feels special and comfortable and paid attention, too. However, I do also like to be in the center of the action helping to create the fun. I do like getting the credit for something I've done. Its really hard for me when someone else gets praised for something I was responsible for, but I wouldn't usually say anything. Its a fine balancing act.

Anyway... are you wondering what I've been doing? Over the past couple months, in addition to my regular work from the home, I was accompanying for an 8-week vocal class for young teens. It really wasn't a big deal. I wasn't leading the class and didn't have much opportunity for input, because the teacher was in charge and knew what she wanted. I don't think she noticed whether I had any real talent, until the performance. She was rather impressed with my musicality and skill at the piano (and I know this because she told me--about the musicality part, not that she didn't notice anything before). Anyway, she asked if I would be able to teach a musical theater class over the spring break because she couldn't do it this year. And yes, I would be able and that's what I did all this last week.

The class was for 8-12 yr olds and I co-taught it with a personal friend, who had already taught the camp several times. I followed her lead and added my expertise to the picture as I saw where I had things to contribute. We had great fun together. She lead most of the theater games. I had a few games that went over ok, but not really. They were meant for developing skills more, but I guess would have worked for the older age group. We mostly had the younger end. Anyway, we had a nice balance going between us. I was "music" and "keeping order", she was "dance" and "hug magnet". We shared the other stuff. And I was really excited about writing the script. On the first day, we took down stories from the kids about friendship and also found out what talents they may want to share and I went home and incorporated all of it into a show. Bethany helped edit lines and other details. I was feeling pretty good about what I was able to develop in one night. It left us only 4 days to teach the kids. The performance was also on the 4th day. And you know what? They did it. They pulled it off and it was awesome. We had a company number at the beginning, a company dance at the end and several scenes that all connected with poetry, and musical or dance talents... and voila. I also made programs for the show and awards for us to give to each of the kids. My co-teacher had karaoke songs for the pop stuff, taught the dancing and staged the company numbers while I accompanied on the piano. She picked up cupcakes and well... we rocked it!! The parents LOVED it. The kids LOVED it. The person who hired me for the camp (who also had a child in the camp) LOVED it. So, I'm sharing with you my sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Thank you. Thank you very much. :-)

I have felt really good lately about some other things, too. I've done a few deep cleaning projects in the house where no one else has really noticed, but its made me happy. My cooking has been really good since my husband realized that I needed to also be recognized as a cook in the home, not just him. And my kids have been so complimentary, which is nice. I had two short days to prepare a very difficult song from Handel's Messiah for the Easter service. I had never sung the solo before so it was a risk, but they loved it. Next time I would definitely want to work for a few weeks on it to feel completely satisfied. But I was happy that I leaped over the edge on that one, rather than staying in my comfy place.

I was a little grumpy yesterday, which may have had a little to do with finding the puppy laying on the kitchen table when I got home from church and seeing my house in a disastrous mess when we had people coming over for Easter dinner. (That's what a week away from the home will do). But mostly I have been happy and feeling good. I've come out of the slump--weeks of depression--which was no fun at all. And I thank you, Jesus, for rescuing me and using others to throw me a lifeline. I need people, and I need to feel the love of God through those around me, too. How about you?

Continuing the Journey

Life sometimes gets interesting. God knows my heart so well, even when I've forgotten who I am. You could say that I took some time off from myself. I try not to let the things I do i.e. talents & skills define me. But that can be tricky when I view life through a lens that is a bit more fluid. I don't separate out the things I do from who I am very easily. It kind of all melds together.

For instance, I've always enjoyed taking pictures. I'm not some AMAZING photographer, but I have been asked many times to take someone's head shots or do a family photo shoot or be the photographer for an event. I've been able to take some fairly decent pics along the way. My approach is like that of the late Oral Roberts was when he was in the healing ministry many decades ago. He said if you pray for thousands of people on a regular basis, the percentage for miracles definitely increases, so you are bound to have some amazing things happen. Well, I've been known to take LOTS of pictures, and subsequently the odds of my having decent shots are greatly increased.

But... I don't take pictures for the purpose of getting a great shot, or being a known photographer, or taking up a new occupation, or making money. I do it because I think people truly enjoy reliving a fun time. (Btw, you may have noticed that I always edit and share my pics with the masses). I think it makes my kids, and other kids, and people in general, feel paid attention to. Good pictures are important for memories to be kept alive, and also... its a creative expression for me.

So using my photography as the example in this story: what happens when I stop taking pictures? When I "just don't feel like it" anymore? What happens when I stop doing any or most of the things I love and enjoy and it seems no one notices my contributions have gone missing? What happens to my heart--my confidence--when I get an impression from "someone" along the way that what I've been offering to the world--my world--is not all that valuable, anyway? That I was really the only one who enjoyed what I was doing? What happens ...when the enemy of my soul begins to haunt me with ideas that little by little break me down and devalue every single thing that I do? ...when no one notices that I am shrinking away? ...when I stop doing the things that brought joy to myself, and more importantly to the atmosphere around me? What happens ...when the real me starts slipping away?

Its not just about photography. Its about cooking. Its about parenting. Its about music. Its about my relationship with the Lord and with those around me. Its about loving people. Its about loving my husband. Its about caring and reaching out. Its about blogging. Its about my appearance and volunteering for things and about organizing events and sharing what's going on in my heart and having fun and trying new things that are out of my comfort zone and being entertaining. Its about the need to be looked in the eye to make sure of that smile--the REAL smile that shows in the eyes. Its about having heart to heart connections every day.

Every single thing about me has been under attack and somehow no one seemed to notice. (I tend to compensate fairly well, so its easy to overlook what's going on on the deeper levels). The world has felt extra cold these daze.

In reality some people have noticed. The Lord of my soul has absolutely noticed. He has never let go of me nor will He ever let go. I've been crying out to him alone, in the quiet of my own space. He has been leading me through a process, breaking down that wrong thinking and rebuilding me from His perspective, but I have been sad and angry through the process. I haven't liked the road He's had me on or where we had to go. But God knows what I truly need, so I'm trusting Him. And then, the other night, unsuspectedly, my husband gave me a list he had written called "My Favorite Things about My Babe". He listed all the things he loves about me. I was stopped in my tracks!! I had a total meltdown. He listed his love for every single area of my deflated self. Just when I felt like nothing about me was valuable to or noticed by anyone, he stoked a fire from the smallest ember in my heart. Why did he write that list? What prompted him to give it to me on that day when I felt especially desperate? He didn't even realize how far down I had slipped, but he found out that day through all my tears and sorrow and confession.

I needed to be opened up. I needed to be rescued once again and it happened like a flood. Words are so important. I have a ways to go before I feel strong again, but I'm in a much better place today, and I will continue on this journey. I know God loves me. He wants me to be inspired and moved to be who He's created me to be. I know that my husband loves me and believes that there is a purpose for me in this world. I'm beginning to believe it again. Its gonna be worth it.

Trying to Find the Balance

"To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) There were some potent questions in my devotional this morning (which is written for women):

How can we be assertive without being considered pushy? How can we have healthy self-esteem without being self-absorbed or overly self-important? How can we be humble but not self-depreciating and overly-modest?

Its the great tension I've walked around with for a greater portion of my life.  I've never fully captured a balance. This probably has a lot to do with the idea that every individual we interact with may have a completely different set of values and freedoms and hang-ups, or different sets of talents and personality traits...  especially regarding a confident woman.

You know what my "curse" is? I read non-verbal language too well. My interpretations aren't always accurate, but I pick up on a lot that is said through body language and tensions in the air, etc. Its not always such a great thing. And I tend to want feedback from people on how I am doing with things. Honestly though, I need to take less account of what other people think. The whole "seeking for approval" issue has been an age-old battle for me. Some daze are better than others.

The past several weeks and especially this past weekend brought these issues up in my face a bit more. It usually happens when I am in a position where my talents are being used and I want to feel that people are pleased. AGH! Why can't I just be happy with getting the opportunity to "fly"?  Can't I just accept the notion that its enough that GOD LOVES ME unconditionally and enjoys seeing my talents in use?  Instead I feel like I'm out there in the middle, vulnerable, open for criticism and judgment, not sure if what I think is good is actually bad to those listening. What do they really think about me and my performance?

Teaching the middle school kids their music for the past 6 weeks and coaching them along... trying to be assertive with the director and choreographer but not pushy... I think I had the balance right. It wasn't my place to make decisions that affected the whole group without collaboration. Many times my recommendations were NOT adhered to. I was ok with that, although it made me feel that they just suspected that it was "I" who couldn't handle it. I felt judged and snobbed a little, whenere I suggested cutting something early on. Honestly, it was not ME who couldn't handle it, it was the 6th, 7th and 8th graders being handed a high school musical to try and pull off with their little adolescent abilities. It was also the individuals who were cast in the lead roles who couldn't handle it. It was the lack of experience middle schoolers have with performing on stage and knowing how to prepare themselves personally (i.e PRACTICING), not mine! So now that we are in the final hours before opening, its apparent that I was right. I'm not gloating, and it has been acknowledged that I said it early on, and wasn't listened to. I was actually scolded, playfully, that I should have been more assertive. Haahaahah--Well, that's not fair!! 

Other things have also been said as we've been getting ready to watch the performances this weekend, that have upset my balance a little. It is in fact coming together. The kids are getting more and more into the flow. I mean, you HAVE to say that. They need to feel proud of their accomplishments and go out their with confidence. But the problems I had with things from the beginning are, in the end, still problems. Unfixable problems. Yes, improvements have happened... but... it doesn't feel all that great to me, walking away from a job I felt I did as well as I could, knowing that my early assessment was right, but the results will still be a reflection on my teaching abilities, or lack thereof. BOOOOOO!!!!

And with that, I must be merciful and gracious and walk humbly with my God. I'd much rather feel justified and validated! HAH!!

Alas, I must battle that pride.

The Ever-Changing Stages of Life

HIGH SCHOOL
I was 16 years old when I turned my life completely over to Christ. It was a radical transformation, not because I was an atheist or grew up in some abusive home or on the streets, but because I was a lukewarm pseudo christian who was trying to ride the fence of two worlds for some time. And I found myself on the wrong side of the fence a lot more than the right side. I loved to party with friends but then come across like the good girl with parents and adults. But the day came when I encountered the glory of God in a personally profound way, and basically threw myself at the feet of Jesus. I was smitten! He loved me!! I knew it right then and there, and it went beyond any kind of attention, admiration or affection I was looking for from those around me. He filled me up completely with His being and his presence. Love beyond reason! Forgiveness. Complete cleansing. Who can understand that but someone who has experienced the washing and infilling for themselves?

From that experience on, I became a follower of Jesus. I was full of passion and devotion. I was excited. I wanted to know Him more. I read my Bible everyday and was totally blown away by the things He was speaking right to the core of my soul. I journaled. I worshipped with music and song. I prayed all the time... which was more like an ongoing conversation with the Lord throughout the day. I talked about what was happening in my heart with those who would listen. I started a bible study at school. I wrote letters upon letters (because I had moved 2000 miles away from my closest friends) telling my old cronies the amazing changes that were taking place in my life. I was Radical! I've looked back at the things friends and teachers had written in my yearbooks from those two last years of high school, and apparently people were impacted by the things that God was doing in me. My joy and zest for life, my love and compassion for people, my fearless devotion to Jesus... people weren't offended, they were moved.

COLLEGE
I went to an awesome Christian University. Oral Roberts University. I LOVED IT!!! It was right where I needed to be and my faith continued to grow. I had soooo much fun at college and made amazing friends. I went on the mission field a few times and was changed dramatically by those experiences. I met the man who was to become my husband. That was a miraculously arranged marriage by the hand of God. Bringing a husband into my life, did in fact, bring a distraction into my life. My devotion was divided--not that it was wrong or that I should have remained single. God gave me the gift of an incredible husband, but there was definitely an adjustment for me and my time spent with the Lord. I can remember feeling the dilemma. I had sooo much love for my husband and sooo much love for Jesus, but the husband was a new thing for me and my attention was divided. Marriage was amazing!! It didn't take too long to work through the dilemma. God gave me Terry and I accepted. ;-)

PARENTHOOD--BABY STAGE
After a year of marriage, we were ready for babies. Our first born was well taken care of by everyone in the church and the youth in which we surrounded ourselves because of youth ministry. (Luke spit up on so many people!! haha). It was so much fun. Our second son came along and it was a little more challenging having two babies--a very strong-willed firstborn son and then a newborn. I began to feel the gaps in my time spent with the Lord. I was exhausted. I didn't have early morning devotions anymore, because I needed to sleep when I had a chance. I still had a lot of opportunities for ministry and bible study and worship, but it wasn't the same without my alone time, which was a big adjustment.

My third pregnancy came along and I felt as though my whole world was evolving into something I never expected. I was always a go-getter and a leader in my own right. I had a lot of passion and vision for God's kingdom. I was going to be a world changer for the Lord, but suddenly it all felt like a pipe dream. I was left at home with babies. I didn't have much time or energy for all these other things. My husband was moving more into full-time ministry and I was feeling resentful and resistant to the changes that were happening for my own life.

There was a specific moment I recall sitting on my deck, with a baby in my belly, watching the boys play, and resigning myself to whatever the Lord had for me, even though it was different than what I had thought. I had to let go of my own desires. I stopped resisting. And of course, I had three more babies (six total) and many many many more adjustments.

PARENTHOOD--TEEN STAGE
By the time the oldest ones were entering teenage hood, I no longer worried so much about how much time I was able to spend in quiet moments with the Lord. He loved me know matter what. I was still involved with worship in song and prayer and Bible reading. It was a natural outflow and I found outlets for ministry, but the time came when both Terry and I needed to take a sabbatical and remove our children from the "fishbowl" of the church, so to speak. Pastor's kids are expected to never make mistakes or get off track. There is a lot of judgment and we didn't want that for our kids or for us. It was a major change to step completely out of ministry after 15 years, but after a lot of very difficult situations personally and in the church, we were happy to take a break. And it's true, our kids began to sneak to the "other side of the fence" and get into teenage trouble. It was a very challenging time as parents, to say the least. The Lord got us through. Where would we even be without the Lord? The older kids grew out of their rebellious stage and onto adulthood.

PARENTHOOD--YOUNG ADULT STAGE
Now that we are here, I've hit that crisis point. I now have to watch my young adult children making decisions for themselves. Some times its very exciting and brings joy to my heart. But not always. And when I don't like some of the decisions, I tend to blame myself. Age-old-personal-shame-self-talk. I even had a post last week that showed how I was the one to blame because I haven't been as passionate about my love for Jesus in front of them. I could even say I have fallen out of love with Him for a season. But I am renewing my devotion. I'm rekindling my efforts of pursuit, and asking Him to rekindle the fire and passion in me. It's so easy to fall into complacency and so difficult to return to the disciplines. Anything can happen.

TRANSITIONS
I've always hated the adjustment times in life. TRANSITION! I know all about transition. That is a word you don't forget when you've had six babies and four of them being home births. In preparing for home births its only to your benefit to know everything you can about the stages of labor and what to expect. Transition is always the hardest and most confusing, panicky part. At least it was for me. It was the stage that became the most intense, and after all the work and pain I'd endured up to that point, I would think it would never ever end... and yet, transition was the shortest part of labor that always brought me to the pushing part rather quickly and to the rewards, 1) labor being finally over and 2) a baby being placed in my arms. (IN THAT ORDER--HAHAHA)

I may have transitioned into a new stage of life this past week. I don't know what to call it yet, but it'll be something to talk about in the future.

Taking a Long Hard Look

I'm reading three different devotionals each morning (or when I remember to do it anyway) and asking God to show me what I need to see and to help me reboot. So this morning, it was interesting to read in my youversion bible app, about a piece of junked furniture being restored... and how it was a very difficult process, but came out beautiful in the end. The piece of furniture was literally left for the garbage man to take away and the neighbors rescued it because they saw something of value there. They would go to work on it and make it beautiful again. Before it could be restored, it had to be stripped down to its bare wood. It also had to be stabilized because its strength had been undermined and it was wobbly. And it had to be sanded and smoothed and holes filled, because there were lots of dents, dings, chips and literal holes in the back. It took quite some time to strip the piece back to a place where it could begin to be rebuilt, and it was a very messy job.

I suppose this is what I need to happen in my inner life. Not looking forward to the process!

Next I read Oswald Chambers thoughts on Isaiah 6, "I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send?" There was a part in the devotional where Chambers talked about God working providentially to speak directly to our soul. And its not something that can be explained to another person with the same impact as what it has on oneself. Its very personal. Its God who knows the deep down longings and hurts and hang ups and needs deep on the inside, and He can speak to those areas in a very profound way, IF we have ears to hear. I left that devotional realizing that I need to be profoundly altered. I want to hear the call of God on my life. I used to be in that zone where I could hear, and I was willing and wanting to live completely in that zone and in obedience to His voice. Truly, in all truth to myself, I haven't been in that zone for a long time. What saddens me and stumps me, is that I know what it is to be in that zone, in a very real way. And I know that I am not there now... for many reasons.

I want to be loved back to that place!! I want to feel needed and valued.

Instead I feel guilty for being where I am in now... and I feel chastised and judged--not by the Lord, actually, but by my own self,  and by the enemy of my soul, and even by my old peers from back in the day (although they probably haven't thought twice about me). And I really don't feel valued or needed. There is always someone else who can do the things that I may be gifted to do.

For the last reading, I moved onto the "Simple Compassion" devotional and she was speaking about Priscilla in Acts, and how she was a courageous woman who ministered together with her husband and had a great impact. And even in that day when woman were not regarded highly, she was. Then the questions were asked about the ways women are still not regarded highly in many conservative church communities. And Oh do I know it! For many of my years growing up, I was the Priscilla, moving in the grace of God in spite of the resistance, being who I was called to be. And I saw many amazing breakthroughs in the mindsets of men. It was a beautiful thing, but a difficult thing. There were a few times where I was in settings that I found no resistance to women. Everyone was looked upon equally and gifts were embraced and drawn out, and it was really nice. But after some train wrecks, which did a complete number on me, we found ourselves back in a community where women and men are not looked upon equally. Here we go again. They aren't even regarded enough to take the offering or serve communion, and definitely not asked to preach or thought of as wise enough to bring counsel or even asked to lay hands on people for prayer. But Terry is an elder in this particular community, so I have relinquished myself to basically doing... nothing. I could help in children's ministry or youth or worship. And I have, actually. The six months time I spent leading worship there was a battle for me. I put everything I had into the ministry the way I usually do. And had tons of resistance, but I pressed on. I thought I was finding my place again. I was always received and appreciated by the congregation, but when a man came along who could do what I was doing and asked to lead the ministry, I was approached about it. Yes. I was literally asked if I wanted to let him take over the ministry. Just by being asked, it felt like that was what the church leaders really wanted. A man to lead. How many times had I heard that in my life?  I was tired of bucking the "faulty" system. I was tired of creating challenges to the church leadership regarding women. I didn't care to be in the middle of that again, not after what I'd suffered and where I had fallen away. The passion for ministry wasn't burning in me like it had in the past. I didn't hear God calling me to that place (or any place really). I relinquished the ministry I was moving in to allow someone else to shine, because he wanted it so bad (which actually ended up being a disaster in the end) and I went back to my corner! and no one cared.

Sad story.

So basically, all three devotionals this morning have spoken to my heart, but I am not walking away encouraged and excited. I am scared and angry and disappointed and finding out the reality of where I am and not knowing if I will ever be restored. Will I be rescued from the garbage heap and seen as valuable enough to strip down and bring back to beauty and usefulness? I can't imagine who would bring that kind of compassion to me, besides the Lord alone. Sometimes, it really helps to feel God's acceptance and love through a human being.

I still am not hearing God's calling, but I am now more in a position of willingness than I was last week. Progress.

Blaaahhh!!! (Confessions)

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I'm struggling to find my grounding. I don't know if this is a life cycle, a hormonal cycle, a New Year's evaluation or something else entirely. Maybe its just disappointment.

I'm disappointed with myself.

I've let things go AGAIN. My spiritual walk... my physical fitness... the housecleaning... on-target parenting. Procrastination is rampant in my life. I'm overwhelmed at the challenges that loom ahead which would get back on target. I don't even feel like taking the first step. Not even the first one. I have taken some first steps already, but nothing that has inspired me to keep going.

I'm disappointed with the choices I've seen some of my offspring taking. Sure they all make mistakes, but the consistent choices in their early adult lives are not very satisfying to my soul. Some things are impressive, but certain others things put a complete damper on my joy. I don't know what to do at this point. I tend to blame myself. I know I can't make decisions for them at this point, but maybe I haven't been the best example for them. Maybe if they saw a consistent, strong devotion in their mother's life, they would follow the lead. Honestly, I don't know what they see or don't see in me.

But what can I do? I'm struggling for myself. I can't get everything back on track for someone else's sake. I have to get it right for my own sake. And it feels like my failings are all tied together. I wish I had a group I could connect with on the level of faith pursuits, where I could be myself and also be honest and genuine about my personal life. Apparently that's a tall order, at least here in my area. If only our church met that need for me, but alas, NO!

As I was journaling this morning (even though this also seems like a journal entry, this is added thoughts) I was realizing the many things I have been passionate about over my life span. But in just about every area, as life continued on the passions changed and faded away for the next thing. Hardly any passion has remained the same. Is that OK? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe this is just how I'm wired, or maybe passions have been dampened and stomped out, and have left me wounded in areas deep down. Its not something I am aware of in most cases, but in some areas of passion it has been an obvious crash-and-burn situation. There are some places within that I just can't find the desire to ever return to. Some of those places were sources of spiritual outlets and spiritual passion, so it makes sense why I would feel so dry and empty. And it also feels like no one who has known me as that passionate person, really cares that I've gone away... or believes that I could find inspiration again. There is certainly judgment (because a few have offered their opinions and disappointments in me) but where's the love and compassion? The hope?

Maybe I just reject it completely before it even come close... scars. Old wounds. Sometimes I think I need to be rescued.

The World News... Aggghhh!

What the heck is going on across the world? Its crazy. Since when are Americans subject to Egyptian laws to where its being demanded that several Americans be tried in Egypt for a movie trailer--under Sharia Law???

This is ludicrous!!!

Our present day foreign policies are failing miserably. I don't believe Obama had any experience with foreign policy and he campaigned 4 years ago on the mere fact that he wasn't Bush. And right now he is way over his head. There's too much campaigning and not enough attention being given to the grave issues taking place against Americans. Apparently he doesn't have a real strategy regarding the attacks, anyway.

I hate election season.

Honestly, I believe that everything about our nation is being completely undermined, especially over the past 4-6 years, and we are in serious trouble. Our world is in serious trouble!! I don't blame Obama. I don't blame GWBush. I know that the things taking place are much larger and widespread than our government, our president, or our nation. But I tell you what, our financial system has been seriously attacked with its first major blow on the WTC, September 11, 2001. Our culture and society are now under major attack and being brought down a little at a time. Our "united" nation is growing weaker and more divided and almost completely unable to make decisions with any kind of compromises among each other.

I'm no expert on politics or government, but the stuff taking place right now is very unsettling, and to watch our people getting steered off on some of the most minuscule aspects, in which platforms are running, is just disgusting. Some of the issues, of course, are very important but others are merely being used to drive an emotional campaign. Meanwhile, it looks to me like the violence presently being performed, is about to be unleashed on a much broader scale.

So, whatever happens, I want to be sure my heart is right with God and that I continue to love people and reach out to those around me. Tragic things are going to happen in our world. Our nation may face serious trouble in the future. Our freedoms may remain or may be taken from us, but I choose to follow the Lord no matter what. These daze I find that the love part is a major challenge, like never before... but that's what I choose. Help me, Jesus. It doesn't mean I won't still have opinions about things or valid perspectives to be shared as much as the next person, but keeping eternity in view and a hope that purifies--that one day I will see the Lord face to face and I will be changed--must become my ultimate focus and goal. No matter what anyone says about Jesus, the one I worship--no matter what awful film trailer or anti-God artwork, or sentiments or hatred or insults--with the power of the Holy Spirit within me, I will still choose to love. Blowing other people up to make a political statement, rioting or killing those who disagree, or setting myself on fire or strapping explosives to myself to protest someone else's beliefs or religion isn't something that's a part of my faith. Love is!

I wonder what that will mean for me as things play out in our world and in our nation. Its a serious post and a bit of a downer...

Sorry.

Its been a difficult week.

Parenting... Humor... and the Super Christian

If any of my kids EVER drive the car into the pool I WILL BE COMMENTING ABOUT IT ON FB!!!! I will also probably comment (and I have) if they mistakenly leave the sunroof open while they go to work and it POURS RAIN during that time. Hey, I can be pretty darn funny about the annoying and ridiculous things that happen in our family circus. I am one of those lucky ones that has been blessed with a sense of humor. And as for my offspring, I don't really have one serious kid in the bunch. They all like to joke and play around and laugh, even at themselves. 

Its not all fun and games. I have been annoyed lately about the amount of stuff they keep leaving all over the house and the lack of help they've been giving because of their own personal busy schedules, while I sit here on Facebook and Kool Daze, doing nothing all day... just waiting for them to come home so I can yell at them again. (That was all for you, Mel).

So maybe you are wondering what this is all about. Yea. I got a private message on FB last night that just so happened to get my pants all in a bunch. This is the second time that I've been chastised via a FB msg. Both times is was by a different christian friend, neither of them having held a single conversation with me for years. This latest one claims that she can't remember EVER having a conversation with me and wasn't sure why we were even friends on FB. Baaahahahaha!!! (She has known me before and was the one who friended me, but for some reason she doesn't remember, and even so, felt the need to send me a rebuke about my posting on FB the mistakes my children make. ????? Did she mean about the sunroof and my soaked behind???). These two ladies both knew me 10+ years ago, maybe, when my kids were all little and I was super spiritual... pastor's wife, homeschool mom, worship leader in the church, youth group leader, prayer warrior, full-timer in ministry, back when I only had christian friends, and never even had time to make friends outside of the church. Since then my life has changed... a lot. I am still the spark plug I always was, competitive, fun-loving,  having a hankerin' for  a good time, but everything else has shifted.

When my kids got to a certain age and we experienced some very difficult times in our church experience, we got out of the full-time ministry. Took a sabbatical to get our heads back. We got a taste of the world outside of church life and knew that outside the four walls was where God wanted us to be. Its actually much safer outside, if you want to know the honest truth. We still love our church family and we remain involved, but our lives are not all consumed with nothing but church life. Our kids can breathe without being watched like fish in a fishbowl. I don't think I could have survived the judgment on our parenting during those super challenging teenage years. Holy Moley. Our kids should totally thank us!!!

And yet, the residue of that judgmental world still comes back at times. And it triggers me!! It triggers the anger and frustration I have towards religiosity and towards that controlling environment that we bought into for a season of our lives. That we (ashamedly admit) promoted for some of our younger years. We've now bought into being like Jesus in the non-religious way... simply loving people; Having fun with our kids and enjoying them; Hanging out with unchurched people; Spending our time with those who would never "make it" in a church setting, because they don't know, don't care, don't believe in the religious rules of the super spiritual ones inside the church; Enjoying our friends even when they swear a lot, or drink a lot, or GOD FORBID like to laugh and have fun. We actually go on vacations with these friends and have authentic relationships. And they enjoy us as much as we do them. Its genuine. Its God-given. And imagine this... none of the friends who really know me sit around examining my every word on FB to make sure its completely uplifting and scriptural and encouraging. They laugh with me when I'm being sarcastic and venting a frustration, and we are all endeared to one another. For me its about relationship, not rules and regulations or about abiding by some other human's standards of godliness. Jesus really didn't fit the religious standards of his day either. 

I don't really care if a person is a specialists in educating parents and giving seminars across the country, or if they published a book or happen to remember the Karen they knew a decade ago as being a much holier, godly example for young people than what they see now. I am who I am. I've had my experiences along the way that have shaped me and in some cases hardened me, but one thing I do know... I'm not interested in the people who stand at a distance, reading my FB or Blog with their misconstrued judgments only to decide to confront me based the leading of the Holy Spirit or their profound wisdom. Yah. They can just keep their little "pearls of wisdom" to themselves. And I don't believe they are hearing from the Holy Spirit. Honestly, I think they like to hear their own prayers more than they like to listen to God.

May Mommy Madness

For me it happens in May, not in March. Er... well maybe the madness can be attributed to both months. The calendar goes from 0 - 60 in about 5 seconds. And if you want to change something on me, there is a good chance that I will change it on my computer calendar and never get to sync with my phone until I've missed the change completely. (I know all about iCloud but I'm sharing my itunes account with 5 others in the house, so no thank you).

This weekend was great. I went to a woman's conference called Among Friends, hosted by Kathy Trocolli, a native Long Islander. She, along with Ellie Lafero and Donna VanLiere, were THE hilarious and ever so entertaining trio. And I do believe they felt quite comfortable to be back in NY, where they could use their wit and quips readily and have the audience right there with them erupting in laughter, applause and tears. KT's piano player was phenomenal, also.

I may or may not have been elbowed in the gut a few too many times by one of the three others who attended with me... always 10 seconds late on the jokes and 50 times too loud with the response. And... loved to tell the rest of us something that was said during one of the sessions, as if we weren't even there. Gaaahhh!

We also went out to the Blacksmith Tavern after the Friday night session to hear a live band playing 70s and 80s music. They were awesome. Ahh good times.

Mother's Day was great... although I ended up cleaning up the kitchen after the lovely breakfast made for me, running around like crazy in the morning to get kids where they needed to be for work, appropriate homes and then on to church, coming home to vacuum the enormous amount of dirt tracked in by the boyz working out in the yard for me, unloading and loading the dishwasher twice in one day and vacuuming an enormous amount of dirt tacked in again when I got home from a lovely time out for dinner. Sheesh! I had mixed emotions about whether I was really pampered or not.

Can you read what's written in the sand?

Life is good, just a little crazy, trying to squeeze everything in and be successful and responsible with the commitments.

What Day Is It?

I just got back yesterday evening from the city. (I wish it had been from Hawaii!!!). I was photographing a Macaroni Kid event for Family Travelers and Bloggers. It was a really kool conference, with some really helpful information. One topic that was covered in a break-out session was "How to Become a Better Writer". I didn't stay to long in that session and I'm sure she gave some very helpful tips (I wasn't there for the actual conference, but rather as photographer) but when she said to limit using exclamation points to ONE PER YEAR???!!! Yeah... well I chuckled about that.

OK. Here's the real deal. I know about business. I understand many things about becoming a great business person and starting up a company and what kinds of things are needed to become successful, but I am not inspired about business. Never have been. I had my own business teaching Musikgarten and had many other business experiences along the way. I would not say that I failed at any of my business attempts, I just realized that it was not "me". I don't enjoy the business side of things. So, in those seasons, such as when I was building my music studio via  Musikgarten, there would always come a time when I decided I didn't want to continue torturing myself, and I'd move onto what was more in my arena of inspiration. There was a time in my younger life when I had 11 piano students, was the worship leader at church and sometimes taught Sunday school, wife of the pastor, I was homeschooling two of my children, had another toddler besides the two in school, and gave birth to my forth child. I think I only took off a week from teaching piano. Those were good times, but crazy crazy crazy!

I think my issue is that I don't want to be tied down to something that I have to always labor intensively to make more palatable to the public. Sure, I'm competitive... for fun i.e. beach volleyball and pictionary and scrabble, but not so much for publicity and promotion in this other world of moneymaking. I'm not sure I even like to be around those people. LOL. My favorite times of gaining publicity was when I was doing it voluntarily. Don't get me wrong. I like to make money. I enjoy the type of work I can pick up here and there or how I'm able to make my own hours and the work is always there to be done. But I don't want to have to chase it down. I don't like that driven world of chasing clients, trying to keep the clients and promoting the brand.

So, now that its Tuesday (I think), I'm going to another conference this Friday and Saturday, and this time for me. The motivation is for spiritual enrichment. That's more my style. I'm totally looking forward to the worship times, which I miss a lot!!! I want to be enraptured in God's presence and want to be moved by His amazing love. Its personal. Not so sure I'm ready to sit in a room listening to some more people talk for several "sessions" [heavy sigh]. Not sure I want to visit another a hotel room with 3 others, hoping to be able to actually sleep. I'm fighting with myself... wondering if I'll be able to get past the attitude by the time Friday comes around. I've never enjoyed conferences... probably because I know how closely related it is to promotions and PR and moneymaking. Vicious cycle.

Hooray for Home

Lizzy and I had a great mother-daughter vacation. We went to a very expensive, full-service luxury hotel in the city.

Its called Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital. Haha.

So we are back home since yesterday and Lizzy has taken over Nate's room. It was cute watching her sisters hang out with her, watching TV, going through gift bags and checking FB together. Lizzy is doing well and gets around quite nicely. She doesn't feel like getting up very much right now. The getting in and out of bed is the painful part. So I can understand. She's also as skinny as a twig, without much appetite. These things are temporary, but I hope I can convince her to keep on the track of progression. I asked her last night if she was ready to get up in the morning for school. She had a slight look of horror. Snicker snicker.

I slept fairly well, but it'll take a few days for the muscles in my back to recover from five days in a pullout chair. It'll also take some time to get out of the "every couple hours check her vitals" mode. I wasn't the one doing the vitals check all week, but I was right there being woken up every time. I was also Lizzy's spokesperson for EVERYTHING. She wouldn't talk louder than a whisper the entire time... except when her friends came to visit. She livened up some then.

We are so rejoicing in the goodness of God!!! We have been lifted during this whole ordeal and every outcome has been better than expected. Her recovery will be quick.

Our last night there (the bonus night, I am calling it) was a major challenge and I could hardly take much more of that hospital room. I roamed around the floor to get away for a bit. A little boy was rolled in around 8:30 pm to a room near ours and the entire extended family stood in the hall for hours. I thought it was strange that they allowed so many to be up there just standing in the hall. I had no idea what was going on.

Doctor Healy came in to see Lizzy at 10 PM. Can you believe that? 10 PM!!! I was shocked. Surgeons lead crazy schedules. I can't even imagine (except for watching Grey's Anatomy). He basicly settled the issue, that Lizzy would stay until the next day since she needed to have some "progress" in the one area that still hadn't happened. Gurgling sounds in the belly just wasn't good enough to send her off. (I'll not say more). Soooo... unexpectedly Terry needed to find a place to stay. It was late. I had already checked out of Ronald McDonald House at 5 pm. Dang. Now he was waiting for an answer about whether he could come back there for one more night. It has to be done through the social worker at the hospital. Getting a hold of a social worker at 10 PM takes some time to track down the person who's on call.

Yup. I needed to blow off steam. I took a walk around the hospital block in the beautiful night air, about three times around and came back to allow Terry to go ahead to the Ronald McDonald House... our same room. I noticed that all the family of the little boy was still hanging in the hall. It never occurred to me that this boy was dying and they were there to say goodbye and be together. It just did not enter my mind!! I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and wishing Lizzy could have given her final "offering" so that we wouldn't have to spend another night there. I was having a bad attitude.

I was able to talk with a few of the family members in the little family room area about what was going on with them, and she said that her nephew had been battling brain cancer for 18 months which had spread everywhere. They didn't think he was going to make it through the night. It was heartbreaking. As I walked through the crowd to my room at about 11:30 pm he passed away. I was right in the middle of it, but so stupidly caught up in my own minuscule challenges, while this family just lost their child. All I could offer were prayers. Helpless.

I know God wants to show me His heart and His ways. He wants to teach me something that will change my heart and make me more like Him... if that's even remotely possible. I am confounded of how oblivious and far removed I've been from these kinds of trials. Clueless to this other world of suffering. I'm closer to it now because we've had this experience, and thank you, Jesus, our journey on this road is very short and full of victory! Hallelujah. However, now my eyes have been opened to a much greater degree, and I wonder what the Lord has in mind for me. I'm sure He has something planned. I hope I don't miss it because of some pity party I find myself having based on a messy house or weeds in the garden. Seriously!

Its a lot to process!