Lonely vs. Alone Time

One of these are welcomed, but not so much the other.

Having a very busy schedule for the past several months has definitely kept me from feeling lonely. I was told on several different occasions that the cast and production team likes how I work, that I make the work fun and enjoyable, that the cast really likes me (with the added indication that its not always that way with music directors). My response was usually something to the tune of, "Well, maybe its because I truly like people." Not to mention that I enjoy teaching harmonies and working hard with the peeps until they get it. Its never a waste of my time, but apparently not every music director feels that way.

My musicals are finished for the season. My upcoming musicals have an audition at the end of June for a Nov show and an audition at the beginning of Aug for an Oct show. Its something to prepare for, but at the moment I'm taking a breather--forced, though it may be. I have done well to fill my time with end-of-the-year events at school [note picture above which was spontaneous yesterday]. Being that I'm on child number 5 and 6 still remaining in school, the events are... maybe a bit predictable! and the pictures mostly the same as the former years, just with different kids. I celebrate with them, but its not very fresh for me. However the dunk tank was new!!!! HAHAH

I really love having my older kids all home for the summer. They are so much fun and quite beautiful to look at if I don't say so myself. Still waiting for Jennah to return home from Zambia in a week from now. That's when the house will really be jammed packed. Then we are on to graduation for Elizabeth (June 24th) and SUMMER!! Yayyyy... I say yay, but truth be told, the kids all work like crazy, so we don't really have dinners together, and Terry and I have been too busy for hosting parties. Which means, I really miss my dear friends whom I've rarely seen all winter. I miss my kids as I mainly see them ducking in and ducking out. I miss my husband cuz we are like two ships passing in the night. I miss my work and the people I've made friends with in the various casts--in which we have had many laughs together. The only consistent companions I've had for months now are my dogs and they are very one-track minded. "Take me to the beach and throw me a stick." So, I'm scared about summer. Who am I really connected with anymore? How hard is it going to be to get back to the "real" stuff. Have my cronies decided they can't take the long absence of time and moved on. I know I've felt that way about friends I've been close to who would drop off the face of the earth for a while and then reappear. It was difficult for me to hold on very tightly to those people... and now maybe I'm that person... (except I share a lot of what I'm actually doing on social media. I've definitely NOT disappeared).

Some daze, like today, I wonder why my life is always in a state of change. And on these lonely daze I wonder if its really worth it. Truth be told, I would be bored senseless to have the repeated pattern day after day, month after month, year after year. I'm inspired by the ongoing challenges, the learning and growing, the newly opened doors and especially the new friendships. But once the shows close, those new friendships lose touch. Always! What I don't like is the grieving period and the anxiety of feeling lonely. There is no one to grieve with me. The connections with friends are all scrambled and choppy and awkward. I have to work through it on my own. I'm too tired and down to fight through and re-establish things when I'm have this kind of day--weeks really.

So, I've picked back up with my classical music. Getting reacquainted with Mozart, Beethoven, Schumann, Debussy, Chopin, Ravel, Brahms and others, has been a great activity to keep me feeling grounded when I'm sad. And as much as I stumble through this music, which literally got put on the shelf for 25 years, I do wish I could share it with someone.  The family hears me practicing. I don't even know what they think. Am I annoying them greatly or do they appreciate me getting back in the saddle? (One of my kids actually did mention in a mother's day card, his great appreciation of what I gave up for all the years to take care of them and how inspirational its been to see me take off in a career now. My late-in-life career. That acknowledgement touched me deeply.)

I need the give-and-take with humans. All my work is about give-and-take. All my ridiculous amounts of social media and trying to stay connected with people is about give-and-take: a mutual exchange. That's how I'm wired. That's what I need. Its times like these where I would love to have someone draw me out, someone who gets me and understands what goes on inside of my head at this point--especially in this seasonal transition from "way busy" to "nothing." But you know what... everyone has their own lives. And most people are a lot less public then I am. They figure I've put all my information out there for everyone to see and yet they don't know that there are still things about me that I'm not sharing. I know. I know. I don't leave much of a mystery... but don't judge me! You be you and I'll be me.

I could shut it all down and pull out of everything. I could stop all my sharing. See if anyone notices... Try to regroup. Yea right!!! LOL. I hate when other people do that. Its like, not letting anyone know its your birthday coming and expecting everyone to magically remember, once it arrives. (That rarely works). I'm a lot more direct. I love to know things about people. I ask questions. I study people. I'm curious about what makes a person tick and also about what makes me tick. And basically, I tell people the things I want them to know about me. None of this "sideways "stuff.

So, if you have some encouragement or want to share something with me, that would be great. If not, that's fine too. I'm gonna go take some alone time now. FORCED ALONE TIME. wah waaaah.

#KarenTheQueenof2K16

#karenthequeenof2k16

That hashtag is a title the East Hampton high school cast gave me this year.  LOL! It was my first time with them music directing for their production. No wonder I love them all dearly. I'm pretty sure they love me too. HAHA.  I have thoroughly enjoyed working with them and now that the back-to-back productions at EHHS have come to an end, I'm blocking out that dreaded feeling where the blackhole sucks me into the abyss.

OK. That is overly dramatic. And, anyway I get to have a few of my top notch favorites for another week, over at the Bridgehampton School, as they are performing along with another cast in our BHS production of Little Shop of Horror's. Opens this weekend.  (Eeeeek)

I've been super busy with my late-in-life youngish career as a music director. I seem to bounce from production to production these daze. I love it. I'm also exhausted, but that's a price I'm willing to pay.  Surely, the open door has been given to me now, after raising a gazillion kids, to help me cross into this new phase of life where my kids are growing up into adulthood. My oldest is turning TWENTY FIVE in June!!! WHAT???!!!! I cherish these high school kids in my heart. However, my time is not only spent with high school student, but middle school, as well as adults. This coming year I have an opportunity to work with 4th graders on a show. I haven't yet accepted that offer as I write, and I wonder if that will not be quite as fun... I've worked with the younger age groups in week-long camps. I think that's more exhausting that what I'm doing now.

Every cast is different from the next. Every ending of a show has a different impact on me. Most times, I am halfway (or further) into the next show as one finishes up, so its a bit of a relief to be done with one to free up more time for the next. But as I sit here pondering about last year, when I juggled three shows which were all very dear to my heart, it was tough to come to the end of the 3rd one and have nothing to fill my schedule but catch-up work. Who wants to clean a house after coming to the end of a long run of shows. Uhh...  NO THANK YOU!!!

You wanna know the hardest part for me? Its becoming friends and forming bonds with the cast and the directors and then having our forced meeting times end suddenly! All at once, the friends I've been spending 4-5 days a week for 2 months straight, have returned to their "normal" lives and the adjustment is tough. Or maybe just weird. (or sometimes the end of a torturous experience). Sure, we  may try to reconnect. We may attempt to meet up for a get-together after a month, but it doesn't usually work out, or its not the same combination of people.  We move on--and learn to live with the fact that the only time we may see each other again is at some other show where mutual friends  performing.

I will miss this gang of kiddos and especially the 20+ graduating seniors!!!

And so,...

My loyal, royal subjects of EHHS, I bid thee farewell! Meet me on the other side. Don't throw away your shot! History has its eyes on you. Its quiet uptown.

Your Obedient Servant,

K (dot) Hoch

My College Girls

What will this summer behold? Last summer I had all six kids at home. We even had a few nights where all of us were sitting at the dinner table together. But since two of my girls have been away all school year, and the two boys are off doing there own grown-up things, its rare for us to have even four of us home for dinner. We've had to adjust the amount of food that is made. And its not the same without everyone.

Things change.

I'm proud of my girls!!

Anika is about to complete her junior year at Flagler college. Its been a journey for her, to figure out what degree she really wants to have when she graduates. It started out as psychology with a minor in art, but thanks to an awful psychology teacher during her second semester, she decided it was not for her. She became "undecided" for another year and a half, and then landed on international studies as her declared major (with a minor in art). Finally, at the end of her first semester of the junior year, it was decided. This was very exciting for her. She would need to complete a study abroad program in order to finish her degree plan, which didn't leave much time, as the school recommend not doing that during your final year of school. So it was going to have to take place this summer and January 30th was the deadline for applying for the study abroad program of choice. We found a program independently, and it was going to be an amazing (if not expensive) educational and spiritual adventure. We were all very excited... until the committee at her school turned it down. Sadness!! With that news, it was too late to find another study abroad option, so she decided to switch her degree plan to political science (with a minor in art). She would be able to finish on time by taking the additional summer term over the next six weeks. Its all very exciting!


Honestly, Anika probably should have gone with art as her major from the beginning. Her artwork is fantastic and she loves it. She's also great with languages and really has a passion to travel. Who knows what is in store for this girl?! There is so much potential.

Jennah is finishing her first year at Oral Roberts University. Its both Terry's and my alma mater. We loved it there. She loves it there. She's studying musical theatre and seems very content with her course study. Of course, I don't hear much from her ALL YEAR!!! ...a few texts... maybe 2-3 phone calls PER SEMESTER!!!! I miss her, and will be happy to have her home, but she is my super independent child. I have a few other kids like her. Actually, all my kids are all pretty independent. It kind of depends on their various stages in life. Some like to stay in touch more than others. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that they don't need me so much. Of course, that comes in stages, too. But I've definitely done my best together with Terry to teach them how to grow up and become independent.

Its a weird point in life for me. I still have two younger ones in middle and high school.  Those two don't need a huge amount of constant attention. But they are growing up so fast. Liz will be a senior this next year and Caleigh will be in 8th grade. Even though all of my kids are still somewhat financially dependent, its getting very close for a few of them to be completely on their own (being on your own in the Hamptons in nearly impossible! for all of us). I don't want an empty nest (especially if that means I am the one responsible to clean the whole house). AGHHHHHH!!! I don't mind a few of them living with us indefinitely--they can pay rent and even get married  and have some grand babies. Wouldn't it be fun? Hahah

So Jennah comes home this weekend. YAY! And at the end of June I fly down to Anika in FL, to drive back with her. We are going to IN to visit family and then the summer will really be kicking in. We expect some visit from family over the summer. Fun times. Hope the septic tank holds after 15 years. LOL.

My Juggling Act

Today
I'm a mom getting kids ready for school and dog walker from 6:15-7:45.

I'm a substitute teacher from 7:45-2:45.

I'm a mom and dog walker again and hopefully a napper from 2:45-4:45. (Oh and brownie maker because I promised the American Pop class that if they learned a few "Cakewalk" dance moves from the internet they could win a piece of cake--but in this case a brownie).

I'm a music director and performer for The Fantasticks from 5:00-9:45. I would be a party-time karaoke singer after the showfrom 10:00-12:00 if I didn't have to be a sub again in the morning. Wah wah. (I was looking forward to karaoke again this week but I should restrain myself).

Dog walker. Napper.

Tomorrow is the same.

Saturday
add housework and much needed yard work. Kids. Dogs. Maybe some sleep. Then music director/performer from 5:30-10:30.

Dogs.

Sunday
I'm church musician and church treasurer (bookkeeping) from 9-11:30 and then music director/performer for the final run from 12-5. And a cast party afterwards.

Dogs.

Monday
Dogs. Kids.
Then sales clerk/barrista & bookkeeper at Sylvester & Co from 8:30-3:00.
Dogs. Kids. Community House office stuff.

Tuesday
Bookkeeping and Community house office work. Dogs. Nap. Food. Then CRASH!

Looking very forward to the upcoming vacation!!!!!!!!!

Professionalism--The Journey

professional |prəˈfeSHənl| nouna person engaged or qualified in a profession• a person engaged in a specified activity, especially a sport or branch of the performing arts, as a main paid occupation rather than as a pastime.• a person competent or skilled in a particular activity
professionalism |prəˈfeSHənlˌizəm| nounthe competence or skill expected of a professional • the practicing of an activity, especially a sport, byprofessional rather than amateur players

I run across many types of people in my circle. My every day life easily flows between a professional and amateur world and I must appreciate both in order to be successful. Its an interesting life, an interesting culture, and I'm regularly intrigued by the people around me. Sometimes I'm annoyed by stupid people, but that doesn't negate my fascination with them. It quite possibly escalates my curiosity (unless I'm super busy, or hormonal, or sleep deprived). There are a few people I've been recently been dealing with who seriously need a throat punch, but I'll save that for another day! Today we are taking a look at the "journey to professionalism" where throat punching could be a serious obstacle.
My lengthy struggle to understand whether I could be considered a professional or not began in my 20s- post-college. My confusion came with the fact that I threw my entire life and skill set into a church organization right after graduation and marriage. It was something I loved and enjoyed, but it was completely voluntary i.e. without pay. There was very little realization by those around me of my competence, partly because #1. I was a female (not even kidding that this was an issue), #2. I was in my 20s (young and dumb? definitely rough around the edges), #3. I started having children at 23 (pregnancy didn't stop me from anything, but it held others at bay), and #4. I chose to walk humbly along (most of the time), offering my time, energy and expertise, purely as an offering to God.
Years later, after gaining tons of experience, some maturity, and depth on many, many levels, my world is very different. It took a long time for me to understand my true value in the professional world. It took a few run-ins and "misunderstandings" to see the vast difference in MY sense of professionalism in comparison to certain others who were being paid for a job but proving very incompetent for the position. While this realization was going on for me, it felt like an injustice to see employer-types settling for crap. I was dumbfounded and outraged even, but I would look for ways to (voluntarily) support and help, just to be sure the product was decent in the end. But to see the incompetence continue was enough to finally push me over the edge, into the professional world. It was time to express my desire to be hired for jobs and produce something better. And so I was. It felt great. It still feels great.  Many times its a road of stress and anxiety, but I'm learning how to relax. I will never be quite as good as I want to be, however, the people who hire me LOVE my work, both my dedication and the quality. They see that I have a way with people and have great productivity, so, that has helped me to be ok with myself and actually be proud of my work.
The process of becoming who I am today is real. Its tangible. Its interesting (if only to me). I'm captured with people's progression in life. I've learned to be patient and believe that God makes His way into the hearts of His children--through the good times and through the bad.
I have prospects for the future that keep my path in an ever-unpredictable state. It continues to be challenging and never the same, year after year. I would get bored and complacent. That's who I am and how I'm wired. I am reliable and consistent, but also open to change, as life unveils the next step. 
What's your story?

The Crash

Its no mystery that I'm a people person. Its also no secret that I thrive on a busy schedule (as long as my busyness involves having connection with people). My life has been full of people and busyness over the past many months. 

In June, our fourth child graduated from high school Valedictorian. 

In August, we had an amazing adventure to Alaska together with two other couples and a few kids. 

A week after that trip we sent said daughter off to her first year in college 2500 miles away. 

Also we had a family wedding to attend in North Carolina and another daughter to kiss goodbye for her third year 2000 miles away at college. 

September meant school began again with only two kids left to graduate. 

Columbus weekend was another family wedding in Maine. 

September also gave me some decisions to make. I was asked to music direct three musicals. I was already locked into one, when the next one I normally have done, was switched from the spring to the fall. I thought it would be crazy to take on two shows at the same time, but then the third show I've been doing for four consecutive years, also was suddenly switched from the spring to the fall. Now I was left to see if there was any possibility to swing three. Finances were a motivating factor with two in college. So, after much prayer, deliberation and calendar crunching, I decided to go for it. Its not a decision I regret. I didn't regret it once.

Here are a few pics...

Super fun pit band for "The World Goes Round" and the Director

Fabulous Cast whom I miss dearly

Great show with the school kids

Cast, Crew, Director, and me

Joy of my heart to see them grow so much

Performances for The World Goes Round ran for three weekends (12 shows). That was an all-music show, which got amazing reviews. I was so proud of the work!!! Loved the cast and it was an all-around great experience. I suffered great disappointment that so few of my friends and family came out. People who aren't performers don't seem to understand...

Fame was my show with the Sag Harbor middle school (sorry no pics) which was challenging to pull together but it went great, and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, the Bridgehampton high school show also was fabulous. These two shows both performed on the same weekend, which was the following weekend after closing World. I played the piano for the high school show and someone else played for the middle school show. Basically, my life revolved around practicing music for 3-4 hours in the morning while accomplishing my other office work, trying to get some kind of food in the crockpot, walking the dog, then running to rehearsals for one show and on the rehearsals for one of the other shows and getting home around 10pm, every week day for 10 weeks. We also had a fall youth retreat on one of the weekends in October where I was one of the speakers. It was busy. Exhausting. Exhilarating!!!

I knew the end was coming. I knew it was going to be quite an abrupt halt. I even warned the people around me that I was worried about it, because it's all very emotional; the highs from the successful performances. to the let down of it being over, to the pile-up of uninspiring work on the home front that needs to be tackled, to the utter boredom and sense of uselessness because the thrill and hard work and inspiration is gone. Oh, and did I mention the disappointments that start plaguing the mind, about people who didn't care enough to come out for the shows, or other various things that spring up to have to battle?

For me, more than anything, its the sudden lack of connection with the many people I've bonded with and taught music to for several weeks; its the lack of motivation to practice, because there's nothing challenging on the horizon to work towards; its the end of three major projects with very little to fill the void.

The depression and blues try to take over. Those closest, don't understand. And I mean CLUELESS!! I fade away into the background, because I suddenly can't connect to people easily with all the roller-coaster of emotion I'm working through. Its literally a grieving process. Seems silly, but it can't be helped. And then, there's the people who say, "I bet its a relief that its all over!" NO!!! Its not. I feel lost.

Having Thanksgiving holiday right now does not help. Having three of my six children somewhere else in the world and not home, does not help. Having none of my extended family to spend the meal together with, adds fuel to the sadness. I CAN find things to be thankful for, of course, but sadness is what I'm really feeling.

I'm making plans to start teaching privately again. I wish I felt more excited about it. I guess I like project-oriented stuff. There are plenty of things in my life that I do, regularly, for work. Some weeks I like what I'm doing just fine or at least I don't mine it. Other weeks it is painful and a drudgery, but I keep going. I keep moving forward. ITS NOT INSPIRATIONAL! Not everything has to be, however, I'm an artist. I am motivated by doing things that require my creative abilities--and when they are running full throttle, it motivates me to get all the less inspiring things accomplished, as well. It keeps me in a good place mentally. My soul is fed. This is how I am wired.

So, for now I'm a bit lost. It won't last forever. Its just something I must work through. I was just about to start rehearsals this coming week for an original play to be performed in January, but wouldn't you know, there was a scheduling conflict that caused me to decline the role. Its hitting me kind of hard and I'm a little angry. There are reasons for that, but it was my own choice to forego the play. I could have chosen to do it and skip out on one of the conflicts. Instead, I am "dying to self" on this one... and I don't like "dying to self." If I felt I was making the choice because I knew it was the right thing to do, maybe I'd be ok about it. Instead, I just feel like my needs aren't always that important... or maybe they just aren't understood. But then again, maybe I don't need what I think I need to be a person who makes a difference in this world.

I'll need to keep taking trips to the beach so at least Peppermint will be happy. Pepper's needs are important, too.

Crazy Daze Approaching

This girl is graduating Valedictorian! Graduation is not until June 29th. The day going to take forever to get here. Jennah has already taken all her AP exams of which comprised the majority of her classes this year. The concerts are done, and there's very little reason left to go to school. To watch movies all day. AGH. Except for gym. You can't miss gym class or you'll fail. Can you imagine?

So there are upcoming luncheons for Valedictorian and also for scholarship awards. There is a senior cruise coming up to the Bahamas. The Teeny Awards is also coming. Jennah was nominated for best actress in a musical. Also, the Snoopy cast was nominated for outstanding ensemble. So that's exciting. We have a graduation party to plan. Two birthdays coming up, a trip to Alaska, two summer weddings and one in the fall, a send off 1500 miles away for this girls first year in college.

This next girl doesn't know how she's going to survive the remaining two years of her high school career without her sister. Lizzy's going to find herself maturing quite a bit this coming year. So will Caleigh, I'm sure.

She's been an expert learning driver. She claims its from all the practice she got driving the DeGroot's golf cart for the last several years. She may be right. That still doesn't make me feel totally carefree about driving in the Hamptons as our big summer season approaches.  

From Memorial Day to Labor Day it becomes CRAY CRAY around here. We have NYC drivers flooding out to their vacation homes, making all kinds of demands on the locals who work for them on their estates. It has to be PERFECT!!! And the driving becomes mad! Its as if these summer folks are still on the city streets. Or maybe its more about them finally getting a chance to drive their fancy cars and zoom around on these small backroads. "Oh! Is that a 4-way stop? I will just go ahead with this car in front of me to save some time, rather than make another complete stop." And the locals go a bit bazurk because of the complete idiot driving that takes place... which in turn makes a lot of the locals the idiots as well.

And then we have the gazillion workers who are undocumented and non-licensed, who are driving around, not necessarily cognizant of the rules of the road...

Well, things like this happen!

Nate is bummed about his new car!! One of those kind of workers I talked about, blew the stop sign and took a left turn into traffic coming from both directions. Nate tried to stop and veer to the right but the other truck couldn't avoid hitting the idiot driver right and pushed it right into Nate's car. Thankfully he is ok. The car is a goner.

So, prayers are needed for the two girls with their learner's permits in this kind of traffic chaos... and prayers for my new Cady, too. LOL.

Anika's on her drive home from FL. The house will be full again by Saturday. There is some shifting around in our house that needs to take place in order to make room. Its a treat to have my kids still all so close to home for the summer. The house is a wreck and needs a super cleaning. (Whatever). They are all working which makes it tough to get them to remember to pick up their own belongings from the common spaces. But I'll take that annoyance, if it means getting to have this valuable time with them. I hope during this season in their impressionable adult lives that Terry and I can continue to impress God's love on them and His ways. The strong worldly current of our society has a strong pull. We are counting on the kids' roots to have grown deep.

Besides that...

The Spring Concert was fabulous. The music program and drama program in Bridgehampton are really beginning to take off. Its been very satisfying to be a part of it and to see my children lead the way in part, with their love for the arts and amazing talents. May it continue for many years. The school's music program is going to miss the six graduating seniors.

P.S. Yes, there are only SIX seniors in Jennah's class!

Behind the Waterfall

This is where I should have gone as soon as all the major festivities came to an end. I could have had a meltdown in this place and been completely comforted and calmed--perfect peace which transcends all my thoughts and understanding.

How many times have a poured out everything--given all I can give, maybe spreading myself too thin--because of wanting to experience, together with others, life at its fullest? Just for a moment. Just for the joy of it. But even when I tell myself to "be ready for when its over," I'm never quite prepared for the loss I feel. The higher the climb and greater the joy, sometimes means the harder and more painful the fall.

I had forgotten all about climbing behind the waterfall. Its been a long time since I'd been to the top of it and took that leap. Instead of knowing what to do this time, when I reached the end of it, I got caught underneath the enormous pressure. I was caught in the undercurrent and felt pounded; unable to breathe or be released from the turmoil. I panicked! Even though I've been through all of this before, I didn't prepare to be hurt. I didn't plan my exit strategy. And let me tell you, there is a lot of garbage stirring around at the bottom of the falls. I think I was trying to clean a lot of it up while I was down there, too. Not possible. Big mistake. Not my job. I was getting entangled and trapped and it caused an even greater sense of desperation.

I've been grasping for someone to help me, to rescue me and somehow find a way for me to come up for air, but it wasn't apparent to anyone where I was. Drowning. Its simply not expected for this to happen. People go on there way and don't think twice about my personal leap. My screams for help go undetected or get misunderstood. The waving arms, the stomping of feet and pounding of fists, is misjudged. I feel deeply the disapproval for my actions. The enemy of my soul uses everything to war against my mind and emotions. The lies he feeds me. The shame. The loneliness.

Behind the falls I go, where the Lord can battle the enemy for me. He will steady my heart and my mind. He will take away my shame and raise me up with Him once again, because He loves me.  He gives me renewed strength and I wholeheartedly put all of my trust in Him.

Drama! Drama! Drama!

Here's the cast singing their final song of the show "If Just One Person Believes in You"

Opening song "The World According to Snoopy" with Jennah playing Snoopy

That's me (Schroeder), playing the Overture

Here they are singing one of my favorites "Edgar Allen Poe." Lizzy is in the middle playing Charlie Brown.

"The Vigil" being sung by Linus with Snoopy and Woodstock staying with him in the patch until the Great Pumpkin arrives.

The peanuts gang see all kinds of shapes in the clouds for the song "Clouds" and poor Chuck gets sung over every time he tries to say what he sees. Cute number.

What a fabulous time we had preparing for the show and performing it.  Its become super clear to me that kids have (we all have) plenty of drama in our lives, but it makes such a difference to have the opportunity to express it on stage. Its a lot more positive to be dramatic and express emotions and thoughts in a show, than to create ridiculous drama in real life with senseless scenarios, potentially bringing others down for no good reason. There are lots of people who absolutely NEED drama in their lives. They are addicted to it even. Its dysfunction at its finest. I say, "Do yourself a favor and get involved with theater!!" It takes a lot more commitment and character to apply yourself in theater, than to stir up trouble among your community. However, self created drama is easier and more natural. It doesn't require character development, so the people who truly need to find a better outlet for their drama, usually won't find the theater. Its sad but true. Sometimes, some of the most emotional and dramatic kids really only need an outlet to perform, where they can receive attention in a positive way. Other kids won't take that step, and they will ultimately grow up demonstrating dysfunction in all of their relationships. They will teach it to their children as well.

Don't get me wrong, there is a ton of dysfunction among performers as well, but just think of what those crazy theater people would be like if they didn't even have the stage as an outlet. HOLY COW THAT WOULD BE BAD!!! hahaha All I'm saying is that there are a lot of kids who need the opportunity to perform in the dramatic arts. And its wonderful that the Bridgehampton School is providing that opportunity for its students now. Hooray!

Anyway, "coming down" from this show is going to be tough, even personally for me. I've spent countless hours working on the music and a bunch of other aspects for this program. Its been a great time for me!!! Its what I enjoy doing. Terry asked me what the next big thing was that we should be getting ready for. All I could come up with was Jennah's graduation, which isn't until the end of June. There must be something ELSE happening in between!!!  Not just the mundane regular stuff... (Oh wait. I just thought of something).

Life Has Been Challenging

Our Sad News

Noah got sick two weeks ago and died quite suddenly, devastating our hearts. He blessed our lives immensely and we all rued the day when he would no longer be with us. It was a topic that came up at dinner many times over the past year. I guess it was because he turned 12 in January and maybe we sensed that he wouldn't be around for much longer. He was gentle and easy-going without ever making any demands. He did whine for us to take him for a walk, because going for a walk was his greatest pleasure in life, a walk... and sleeping. And an occasional london broil off the counter. And the neighbors garbage.

Of course we have Peppermint. She hasn't written anything on her blog for a while. She's run out of things to say, and now she feels a little lonely. But I think she also thinks she is the queen of the house. She doesn't eat her food all that much lately. She doesn't have to protect her portion from Noah anymore. So Caleigh thinks its necessary to feed her one morsel at a time.

So dogs are on my mind a lot. The Bridgehampton High School is putting on its first full scale musical production this year. They put on Night on Broadway: A Musical Revue last year which was fantastic. Lizzy and Jennah were two of the four cast members and I just thought it was excellent. This year they are doing Snoopy: The Musical. Its such a fun show. I remember my roommate at college (Sohailah) music directing the show at Oral Roberts University. I auditioned and was cast as Lucy but I declined the role because I had to choose between doing the show or participating in Summer Music Ministries. That is a decision I still question to this day, but it doesn't matter anymore. I will be music directing this show and Jennah is Snoopy.

My life is suddenly busy with two musicals happening at the same time. I'm doing the show "13" with the Sag Harbor Middle School. Its another fun show as well. I love doing it. However, I tend to have my ups and downs in the process. I was hoping to overcome the self-doubt this time around. People obviously believe in me. They keep having me back and I get more jobs as I start becoming known in the field, but I have times where I assume they aren't happy with me and I'm not doing my job well enough. Sheesh. Why do I do this to myself? Its just part of how I'm wired.

I had a bit of a meltdown this past week with my other line of work which involves managing a facility that people rent for events, both private and public. Usually its not a very stressful job and I can set my own hours and set up meetings at my own convenience. But every once-in-a-while I have tenants who are much more demanding and have expectations that one might have when renting a big-time facility. They ask for meeting upon meeting and they want this and that and ask for things that can't happen at our facility. And have tantrums when they can't get their way. Some people want it all for nothing, and disrespect the time frame they've been given to be packed up and cleaned up. And they on't get their payments or contracts in on time but argue with me when I say I'm canceling their dates based on their not showing that they really want the space and someone else does.

One of my greatest interpersonal struggles is with a person who is so ambitious that they manipulate and connive and lie in order to get what they want. Passive/Aggression!! It pushes all my buttons and when I run across this type in my job, I can't just run away. I've learned how to operate fairly well in this situation, but people do sometimes take my kindness or laid back approach as weakness and will try to take advantage. Fact is, I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of and there is ALWAYS a violent reaction to my clear boundaries when they discover I'm not all the easy. If I am caught in the middle of a situation--I had two instances these past two weeks, where I was in the middle and couldn't really make decisions or direct the people--I can become a little frustrated... or not. I was successful in letting things ride out in one of the situations, but in the other, I ended up attempting to intervene and it was a bad idea... I guess. Actually it brought everything to the forefront which isn't bad in my opinion, but it was NOT pleasant. It ended up being very ugly.

These people are definitely on my doo-doo list, however, I still have to deal with them. They are spiteful and will continue to bad mouth for as long as they feel is necessary to pay back for not getting what they want. So, they have poured out their shame and lies, and I have worked really hard not to come under that, which is difficult for me. Its especially difficult because in my "intervening" I lost a little of the respect of people close to me. NOT REALLY lost respect, but kind of.  I HATE that. I'm a people pleaser and I hate when I do something that disappoints. So, in all reality, that's been my struggle these past few weeks. Feeling like I've disappointed people close to me... even about Noah, if truth be told.

Maybe I could have stayed home from the youth retreat to make sure he was ok. The boys didn't really know that he was in distress. Noah didn't complain much. Maybe I should have taken him to a different vet because I truly felt they weren't taking that great of concern about him. Its been very sad dealing with these feelings, that I could have done something differently. I guess that's normal.

And the youth retreat was some what of a disappointment too, but I had very little to do with that. We couldn't control the weather or who the kids got as their counselors. It just felt like a bunch of disappointments have all jumbled together. Disappointment about the retreat, and then coming home to Noah struggling for his last breath, and then the politics surrounding the musicals, as well as dealing with the clients at work, and Lil's work computer crashing on me, and feeling like it was my fault (even though I know that it wasn't).

These past two weeks have not been so good to me.

It Was All So Very Exciting

So only 3 weeks after Christmas my 5th child (Lizzy) has a birthday. Two weeks later, my 6th child (Caleigh) has a birthday. And then, two weeks after that my 2nd child (Nate) has one also. So, where most people get a lull in their schedules over the winter months, ours is full... and somewhat stressful.

Lizzy turned 16 this past week. She's a child who doesn't ever demand anything, really, but... ASKS for everything. I told her she has a gift! Its become apparent that people WANT to give her the things she asks for. I don't know why. The night before she turned 16, her two besties "surprise decorated" her bedroom while her sister took her out shopping as a distraction.

Then they gave her a Michael Kor watch $$$ and brought her over to a friends to make sure they all celebrated her birth, once it was midnight.

The next day she had her besties hanging with her all day long and later, got to have her birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant together with them (and me).

This was a good plan, because while we were eating out, her other friends were gathering at our house to surprise her when we got home. Poor Terry was sicker than a dog, so he stayed in the bedroom mostly.

She was very surprised and delighted to be loved and cheered. The friends stuck around for a while, had ice cream cake, gave her the big time spanking machine and then went home because it was a school night.

The next day I was picking Lizzy and Caleigh up early from school to go into the city to see Wicked for their birthdays... only... a BIG snowstorm was forecast (8-12" with blizzard conditions). I went through all the scenarios for several hours throughout the morning as the snow began to fall about 2 hours earlier than predicted. Ayi yi yi. Here's how it went on FB. (Idea stolen from Just Mom's blog).

January 20 Karen Taking the birthday girls to see Wicked tomorrow. Hoping the "impending doom" won't ruin our plans. 

January 21 Karen First I will take emergenC to to boost the immune system. Then some quiet time and reading. Next a shower and off to work before lunch. (And snow). Then it's kids pickup and heading to NYC to see Wicked. Maybe we will make it home tonight or maybe not.   

January 21 Karen So far I've already vered greatly from the said plan.

January 21 at 2:41pm Karen It went more like this... drank cup of water, took down bday decorations downstairs, took down decorations upstairs, switched over laundry, gather 4 more loads of laundry from Lizzy's room, vacuumed all the confetti from the entire house (confetti is of the devil!!), had a cup of emergenC, bowl of cereal, cup of coffee, quiet time and reading, more laundry, walked the dogs, did a little office work (very little), post office, school pick up, and then decided to take the train and get a hotel. Will we arrive to the Gershwin theater in time??? Ayi yi yi.

January 21 Karen It's snowing.

                 

January 21 at 1:58pm Karen I think we've added another person to our count. She wants the adventure.
January 21 at 2:21pm · Karen Jennah is coming too. woohoo
January 21 Karen New plan. We're taking the train and staying overnight in a hotel. Say a prayer. This had better be the best performance evah!             

January 21 at 2:33pm Joan Great idea, I was thinking about you driving to NYC today on my treacherous drive to Springs.January 21 at 2:36pm Karen I hope we make it in time. 

January 21 Karen We are on the train. 

January 21 Karen The conductor just announced a delay due to equipment trouble. Agh

January 21 Karen Oh Jesus please. We don't have time for delays. 

Karen Moving again. This is stressful. 
Paula You have 3hours ...right? Curtain at8.
January 21 at 5:01pm · Like
Karen  Curtain at 7 waaaahhhh
January 21 at 5:02pm · Like
Karen This happened to us before when going to see Miranda. Her show was only an hour and we missed the first 20 minutes because of train delaysJanuary 21 at 5:03pm · Like
Paula You are still in okay shape....it will be great...and you'll have a fun story!
January 21 at 5:04pm · Unlike · 1
Paula I wrote that before I knew you missed 20min...
January 21 at 5:04pm · Like
Karen At least wicked is 2hr20m!!
January 21 at 5:09pm · Like · 1
Melanie  Hopefully they still show it.
January 21 at 5:15pm · Like
Karen  The show must go on but I wouldn't mind if they held the curtain for us.
January 21 at 5:22pm · Like 

Paula Are uou there yet???
January 21 at 6:46pm · Like
Todd There will be singing, dancing, jazz hands...you'll catch up. Have fun!
January 21 at 6:47pm · Unlike · 2

Karen  We are late. Only at Jamaica
January 21 at 7:01pm · Like
Sohailah Oh Karen. Blech.
January 21 at 7:05pm · Like
Paula  Oh dear...

January 21 at 7:10pm · Like 

Karen  Not even at penn station yet
January 21 at 7:02pm · Like
PatriciaOh man!
January 21 at 7:39pm · Like  

January 22  Karen So we had a lovely 4 hour train ride to the city. Many mechanical problems took place to get us to Penn station an hour late. Missed the show but our tix will be honored for another date. We ate dinner at Rice and Beans on 9th Ave and 51st. It was amazing!!! Staying the night in a pricey hotel.

January 22 Karen So this is what ended up doing. Cake Boss!

January 22 Karen This about sums it up. We are catching the train home. Watch video

January 22 Karen These two beauties and Mr Buttcrack photo bombing in the background.

So Lizzy enjoyed the whole thing. SHE LOVES NYC and wants to live there. Caleigh is only happy to hear that we can see Wicked only a few short daze after her Super Bowl birthday. So there you go. The Karenkool adventures.